Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Habs fall short in OT, Urologist diagnoses Gallagher with Massive Ball Syndrome.

Ok, let's get some particulars out of the way.  The Habs lost.  But they did get a point.  They didn't show up in the 1st.  But they dominated the rest of the way.  They took some bad penalties at the end.  But it showed character for them to come back like that in the 3rd.  PK took a dumb penalty.  But holy shit would it have been sweet if he completely pulverized Mark Pysyk (Who??) with a patented PK dorsal check.  And if you only take a sample size of the last 2 games, Colby Armstrong is on pace for 19 more goals until the end of the season.

We can't win them all and if we keep getting points in the ones we lose, we'll be just fine.  And the Bruins lost too, so it hurts less.  It just does and you know it.  It's like finding out that the cop who just gave you a ticket just got framed for murder.  You're still pissed about the ticket but you love the fact that this asshole will spend the next 25 years sharing a cell with a 300lb man who loves to cuddle after sex.

Now let's get to what needs to be said.  I'm worried about Brendan Gallagher.  This kid's balls are so big, by his sophomore year, me might just become one big testicle with arms.  The kid was a fucking star.  He carried his line all night.  When he gets the puck within 25 feet of the net, he's heading in one direction.  Straight into that blue paint.  And when he doesn't, it's because he's feeding Pacioretty in the slot for quick wrister.  And did you happen to see that play where the kid dives to one-time a pass right off the post?  I repeat, HE DOVE TO ONE-TIME A PASS RIGHT ON THE POST.  This is not a normal person.  I'm telling you, when they look back on him centuries from now, they will refer to him as the man who was all ball.  His entire being is a testicle.  But in some weird way, not the sensitive part of the ball where he's in pain if you just flick him.  He's the part that it takes to do things no ordinary 5'9" 20 year old person can do.

Millions of years ago, I guarantee this is what his ancestors looked like.

 He comes out of the corners with the puck every time.  He keeps spinning around behind the net like some kid playing pond hockey with quadriplegic lamas.  He's toying with the opponent.  As if he's saying: I guarantee you'll get tired before me, so I'm just gonna keep skating circles around you until one of my teammates gets open.  He plays the way we want him to play.  Like he really gives a shit.  Like he wants to give us our money's worth.  Like he wants to shove it in the face of every person who told him he was too small to make it.  Instead of wearing number 11, there should be a picture of a middle finger under his name.

Oh, and Eller played well too, but in a normal sized balls kind of way.


soperman said...

"but in a normal sized balls kind of way." I love it.

HF4 said...

Yeah - best line of the post.