Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Handshake Story - The Long Winding Road

This is a transcript of Milan Lucic in the handshake line after the Canadiens defeated the Bruins last night in Game 7:

Lucic to Gionta: You're a shitty captain, I've clipped toe nails bigger than you. Go fuck yourself immediately.

Lucic to Plekanec: I'm going to pull that turtle neck over your head and carry you around like a bindle all summer. And I have SARS and that's why I'm speaking to you very close.

Lucic to Eller: The only thing that is more insignificant than Denmark is, nothing is more insignificant than Denmark. I'm going to murder you in your sleep.

Lucic to Bourque: Fuck you for taking on a name that's Boston royalty. I'm going to pound you until your name falls out of your ears.

Lucic to Subban: Sometimes you remind me of Rudy from the Cosby Show, only you're fucking ugly. Look at me again and I'll staple a wheel chair to your cocky ass for the rest of your life. Your dad is a prostitute.

Lucic to Deharnais: I get fucking vertigo every time I have to look down to find you. I question your entire existence. Tell your wife you're out of milk.

Lucic to Pacioretty: Next year, I'm going to finish what Chara started and will decapitate you.

Lucic to Brière: You look like a tired old windmill with your goal celebrations. Next year, I'm going to do you a favour by tearing off both of your arms. Windmill that motherfucker.

Lucic to Markov: Tell your wife Emelin not to make any plans for next year because I'm going to make you a widow and spear her in the vagina. Then I'm going to force you to watch me spear a baby whale.

Lucic to Emelin: Good series, you scare me.

Lucic to Weaver: I won't do anything to you next year cause chances are you'll already be dead you old fucking bat.

Lucic to Ginette Reno: What the fuck are you doing here? I told you to meet me back at the hotel.

Lucic to Therrien: There's a T in respect you asshole. Speaking of, I just hired Mr. T to kill you on Christmas Day.

Lucic to Prust: You think your ribs hurt now? Next year, I'm gonna carve out your ribs, slow cook them and serve them to your mother à la fucking Game of Thrones.

Lucic to Vanek: You will not die of natural causes. I will end your life.

Lucic to Gallagher: Next year I'm going to kidnap you, take you to Romania and impale you. And when I train with you and your wimpy dad this summer, I'm gonna drop a barbell on you both Lock Up style.

Lucic to Price: Do you remember the scene in Mission Impossible 3 when the girl dies because a small chip inserted in her brain explodes? Well i'm going to bypass all of that and just shoot you in the face.

Lucic to Bournival: Hey, next year I'm going to give you mad cow disease.

Lucic to Gorges: Next year I'm going to build a Lego replica of Hong Kong in your anus.

Lucic to Beaulieu: I will make it a point to sit on death row to stop you from being alive. I will do this tomorrow.

Lucic to Weise: Next year, I'm going to fucking kill you, ... because when the Navigation system in my new Hummer tells me the High Road is on my right, I'll be fucking turning left.


J.T. said...

I laughed tremendously. Thanks for this. You are a comic without an open-mic night.

GoldenGirl11 said...

That killed me. The laughing way not the Lucic way.

David Kellerman said...

Thanks to you both. This is all very endearing.

Mai said...

Really funny! Here's wishing that you right the Bruins eulogy.

mai said...


Anonymous said...

No horse in that race(Islander fan- ugh!) but that was seriously funny stuff. Made me laugh out loud!

Steve said...

Very funny and unfortunately likely true. Also interesting that someone actually watched MI3

Luic to Budda: I am going to give you a blood eagle and while your lungs are still breathing outside your body I am going to head butt you do death like Ranger Lothbrok did to King Horik.

Doogie2K said...

I would pay money to hear Peter Capaldi read some of these. My God.

moeman said...

Très drôle!