Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Homeland Night in Canada



During last night's Habs-Devils hockey game, PK Subban offered two Hanukah gifts to Carey Price by making hugely successful last second sprawling reaches to turn away two pucks headed over the goal line.

No, neither Carey nor PK are Jewish and this is too bad because had they been, the surely would have been singled out by Ron Maclean and his new fondness for Jews, not to mention Jewish lawyers. It's too bad PK and Carey aren't Jewish lawyers because that would have nailed them a spot on the HNIC intro segment.

Leave it to Ron Maclean to segue into the Rogers Deal by invoking the legacies of Trudeau, Ugandan refugees, Paul Henderson, Muslims in the world, Gary Bettman, Jewish lawyers, Gary Bettman the Jewish lawyer, ziploc bags, popsicles, pregnant monkeys and windshield washer fluid.

Ok, back to Habs-Devils. I mean really, was Maclean next planning to equate the Rogers NHL deal to the signing of the Oslo accords between a very Jewish Rabin and an excessively Muslim Arafat? Ronny, baby, looks like PK wasn't the only one prone to reaching.

Habs-Devils, last night. For crying out loud, Ron, are you expecting Nadir Mohammed and Gary Bettman to duke it out on Homeland next season? Is Brody supposed to infiltrate Rogers headquarters to report back to Mossad, the agency Gary Bettman has covertly been heading for years now? Is Rogers not in fact the largest Al-Qaeda cell in Canada? Isn't that why they call it a "CELL" company because it's a "TERRORIST CELL".

If Ron Maclean was trying to make a point about how important it is to reach the divide, and yes it was good that this point was made, I would have thought it an opportune moment for he and Don Cherry to act out a scene from Syriana, with Cherry getting his nails pulled out and Maclean wearing a turban. That would have brought the message home.

In invoking Bettman's Jewish heritage and the fact that the commissioner is a lawyer,  I'm surprised Maclean didn't just go out and say it, "the deal had to be made, because Jews and Muslims now get along, Bettman is a Jewish lawyer, and hey, what can I say, Jews just love money. Let's take it upstairs to Jim".

Ay caramba. I mean who are we to talk. We're a blog about PK Subban and we never blogged when PK won the damn award on which this whole site is predicated. Zero cred, I know.

What can I say. I'm just another Jewish lawyer, trying to get by. Now someone go find me a Muslim to make me a billionaire. And someone get me a drone before Amazon snatches every fucking last one of them.


Friday, November 29, 2013

PK Friday. Get it?

It's Game day for the Habs on this Black Friday.   Or as PK calls it,  Friday.  Habs roll into DC for a 2nd straight weekend and try to make Ovie their bitch.   Although he scored a pair last week,  the Habs won,  so I get to call him a bitch from my couch as he dominates games he loses.   Peter Budaj gets the call again.  He's been lights out this year and with the big Leafs game tomorrow night,  it only makes sense to have Carey well rested for that. Not expecting any roster changes.   Even Rob Ford in a cracked up drunken stuper wouldn't mess with this lineup.

By winning the next two games,  I'm comfortable calling the Habs an upper echelon team in the east?  Why you ask?  Because I like saying echelon.  They'd also prove that they could beat anyone when playing well.   Anyone except Boston since the NHL decided to not have the Habs play the Bruins this year.   Haven't you heard?  The genius schedule makers decided that since the Habs and Bruins have played over a quarter of their games without facing eachother,  they might as well finish off the year like that.   Douchebags.

So if you're American,  enjoy the day off and the game.   If you're Canadian,  enjoy being able to get a heart attack and not have to declare bankruptcy to survive.

A-Rab,  out.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Let us give Thanks. To us. Because we're back. And we're funny. Laugh. Now.

On this Thanksgiving,  it's important to reflect on what important.   And this year,  what could be more important than to call out all the disappointing Habs players so far.   You may think that complaining in the midst of a 4 game winning streak is in bad taste.   Well welcome to the PK'ISTS,  where we make a living on bad taste.   And by make a living,  I mean work for free. And by work,  I mean entertain.

Let us give thanks to René Bourque.   René,  you are the new David Desharnais.  The only difference is that Marc Bergevin doesn't feel the need to try and get you going.   You're the last guy's mistake.  So to make a long story short,  unless there's an ebola virus outbreak in the locker room,  you ain't playing.  Here's a bit of free advice.  Have your sorry excuses for testicles chit chat with @GallyGonads.  Maybe they can learn a thing or two about playing I  this league.


That's it.

Everybody else is either playing well,  playing OK,  or has such little expectations that nobody cares.   I'm talkin about you Mustache Megatron.   Also,  honorable mention should go to Area 51 and Cold Brière who happen to have been rediscovered a few days before this blog would have torn them new Assholes. Keep it up Davey & Dany.

So Happy Thanksgiving everybody!   Except you René.

A-Rab,  out.

Gobble gobble.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

So... this is a bit Awkward.

WE'RE BACK BABY!!  Really looking forward to the season.  Can't wait to see how PK reacts after what he did last year.  And will Price and Davey bounce back?  What's that?  We're a quarter into the season already?  PK won the Norris and the blog that sports his name made no mention of it?  Fuuuuuuuuuuck.  My internet was down for a few months and I just assumed the NHL was in a lockout again.

Whatever, time to move forward.  Habs beat the Sabres tonight in OUR season opener.  I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed.  4 wins in a row.  And aside from the turd of a team we just played, the other 3 wins were vs very good teams.  The real story these last few games has been the discovery of Area 51 and his partner in crime Max Pacioretty.  What the hell happened to those two?  I'm starting to think the porn star staches are what's behind their recent success.  In any case, they seem to be back, and not a minute too soon.  Gallagher's balls, who apparently have a twitter account with over 700 followers, were getting a little fed up with doing all the heavy lifting.

And what can we say about Carey.  The guy was being run out of town last summer and what does he do?  He got married.  Aaahhhh the power of the pussy.  You see, Carey was losing control of his shit.  Too much money, too many bitches, too much everything.  So the motherfucker got hitched.  Started focusing on playing hockey.  And like most married men, he probably prefers working late than hearing his wife complain.  So there you have it.  All Star goalie, kids are playing great, Markov's knee is still with us, and a certain defenseman is leading the team in scoring.  I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft.  I mean PK.  That badass motherfucker is burning up the league once again and probably sending texts to Marc Bergevin in the middle of the night that look something like this:

PK: Where's my money biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch?  Bridge contract?  I got your bridge contract right here.

There, you're caught up.

So stay tuned fellow PK'ists.  Weez back.  Next post should be up mid Feb.

A-Rab, Out.

Landmark Deal Signed as the NHL Renews Blogging Licence with PK'ISTS



The PK'ISTS and the NHL are proud to announce a groundbreaking deal that sees the PK'ists blogging rights which expired at the end of the 2012-2013 season renewed after furious negotiations.

Under the terms of this new landmark agreement, the PK'ists, who under the old agreement generated no income, will continue to get nothing.

As news of this shattering deal broke, PK'ist bloggers immediately voiced their relief.

"We were completely broke under the old contact, said Don's Cherries. This deal guarantees that nothing will change. We still have no money. Nothing. It's great."

"I couldn't wait to begin writing again for free, says HF4. I mean so much had happened. The Habs were eliminated, PK won the Norris. I mean for the love of Christ it's a blog dedicated to PK Subban and we couldn't write a single word about it. Now we can resume sharing our thoughts with millions of hockey fans  our mothers, and earn nothing for it. Not a penny."

The PK'sist writing schedule resumes today, right after our bloggers come back from their weekly visit to Employment Canada.

Hallelujah. Light your first light on the Menorah and consider this your first gift of the holidays: We're back and as broke as ever.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

CHANNEL THE ENERGY NOW


It's time to set a curse on all things Walrus.

Half the team is missing folks. We've got nothing left.

We like this theme.

Just do this.

Robert Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change

The story of this series is hard to believe.

Everyone was clamouring for a Habs-Leafs series,  for the sex appeal of it all. But we all knew the toll that matchup would take on the smaller Habs could be a dear price to pay.

Well, the toll this series with Ottawa has exacted on the Habs is astounding.

The first round has wiped the boys out and nothing can make even the most hopeful soul believe the Habs can turn the tide and win the series.

Eller, Prust, Gionta, White, Price. All gone. After 4 games. It's almost unfathomable. Pacioretty, playing hurt, is a non-factor.

And the weirdness of it all.

Game 1 - as dominating a performance you can ask for. 50 shots. Overwhelming dazzle by Montreal. And then 10 seconds after the Habs' first goal of the series - Eller goes down in a flashback to the wind sucked out of the building when Zednik and Pacioretty both looked like their life was hanging in the balance. And then Carey gave the Sens the win in the third, in yet another display of shaky goaltending.

Game 2 - Logic prevailed. Another great performance by Montreal, with less fanfare and blitz. Series tied.

Game 3 - Total deflation. The weird 6-1 score in a game that was 2-1 Ottawa to start the third. Another terrible third period by Montreal. Sans Gionta and Pacioretty.

Game 4 - 2-0 to start the third. Excellent road play by the Habs who had taken over the game in the second. Another horrible third period. OT, sans Price lasts a few minutes and a terrible goal floats by a cold Budaj. Series nearly over. Kicked in goal. Groin pull. 20 second tying heartbreaker. I mean the floodgates aren't open, they're inviting.

Game 5 - Waiting on the World to Change. Robert Mayer may see some ice time tonight if things go bad. Robert Mayer. Like Waiting on the World to Change, Mayer. Like your body is a wonderland Mayer. Ay caramba.

What Montreal has failed to do this series is develop a killer instinct. Finish the Sens off when they had them down and beat. That 5 on 3 at the end of the second period in Game 1. The poor showing in the third when the game was still theirs. I don't think Montreal fully recuperated from that loss - from the way they lost that game. Because they've done it over and over again.

Tonight is a game that sees the odds stacked highly against Montreal. Budaj is going to have to get the job done, which isn't impossible. But how resilient can you ask a team to be? What's coach Therrien going to tell them? OK boys I know half of you aren't here. I know you saw your boy Eller almost die there last week. I know our number one goalie is gone. Your captain can't even lift his harm to smell his armpit and he's also done for the rest of the year cause he's having surgery in like 8 minutes. I know the only guy on the team who can actually fight moderately well won't be here because every part of his anatomy has taken a blow in the last week. Yeah, yeah, that's Robert Mayer over there in the stall. Yes, yes, it's him. But I don't know, boys, something tells me you've got a chance on any given Sunday. I know it's not Sunday.

The anti-Pacino.

Whatever happens, stand up tonight and salute the home team at the end of the game. Hoooooah!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

NHL AMENDS REFEREE SYSTEM

NHL AMENDS LOGO


NHL AMENDS RULE 48



Rule 48 - Illegal Check to the Head
48.1 Illegal Check to the Head – A hit resulting in contact with an opponent's head where the head is targeted and the principal point of contact is not permitted. However, in determining whether such a hit should have been permitted, the circumstances of the hit, including whether the opponent put himself in a vulnerable position immediately prior to or simultaneously with the hit or the head contact on an otherwise legal body check was avoidable, can be considered.
48.2 Minor Penalty - For violation of this rule, a minor penaltyshall be assessed.
48.3 Major Penalty - There is no provision for a major penalty for this rule.
48.4 Game Misconduct Penalty – There is no provision for a major penalty for this rule.

48.5 Match Penalty - The Referee, at his discretion, may assess a match penalty if, in his judgment, the player attempted to or deliberately injured his opponent with an illegal check to the head.
         If deemed appropriate, supplementary discipline can be applied by the Commissioner at his discretion.
48.6 Fines and Suspensions – Any player who incurs a total of two (2) game misconducts under this rule, in either regular League or playoff games, shall be suspended automatically for the next game his team plays. For each subsequent game misconduct penalty the automatic suspension shall be increased by one game.
Rule 48 - Kicking

48. Kicking a puck in the net is allowed and even encouraged.