Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Homeland Night in Canada



During last night's Habs-Devils hockey game, PK Subban offered two Hanukah gifts to Carey Price by making hugely successful last second sprawling reaches to turn away two pucks headed over the goal line.

No, neither Carey nor PK are Jewish and this is too bad because had they been, the surely would have been singled out by Ron Maclean and his new fondness for Jews, not to mention Jewish lawyers. It's too bad PK and Carey aren't Jewish lawyers because that would have nailed them a spot on the HNIC intro segment.

Leave it to Ron Maclean to segue into the Rogers Deal by invoking the legacies of Trudeau, Ugandan refugees, Paul Henderson, Muslims in the world, Gary Bettman, Jewish lawyers, Gary Bettman the Jewish lawyer, ziploc bags, popsicles, pregnant monkeys and windshield washer fluid.

Ok, back to Habs-Devils. I mean really, was Maclean next planning to equate the Rogers NHL deal to the signing of the Oslo accords between a very Jewish Rabin and an excessively Muslim Arafat? Ronny, baby, looks like PK wasn't the only one prone to reaching.

Habs-Devils, last night. For crying out loud, Ron, are you expecting Nadir Mohammed and Gary Bettman to duke it out on Homeland next season? Is Brody supposed to infiltrate Rogers headquarters to report back to Mossad, the agency Gary Bettman has covertly been heading for years now? Is Rogers not in fact the largest Al-Qaeda cell in Canada? Isn't that why they call it a "CELL" company because it's a "TERRORIST CELL".

If Ron Maclean was trying to make a point about how important it is to reach the divide, and yes it was good that this point was made, I would have thought it an opportune moment for he and Don Cherry to act out a scene from Syriana, with Cherry getting his nails pulled out and Maclean wearing a turban. That would have brought the message home.

In invoking Bettman's Jewish heritage and the fact that the commissioner is a lawyer,  I'm surprised Maclean didn't just go out and say it, "the deal had to be made, because Jews and Muslims now get along, Bettman is a Jewish lawyer, and hey, what can I say, Jews just love money. Let's take it upstairs to Jim".

Ay caramba. I mean who are we to talk. We're a blog about PK Subban and we never blogged when PK won the damn award on which this whole site is predicated. Zero cred, I know.

What can I say. I'm just another Jewish lawyer, trying to get by. Now someone go find me a Muslim to make me a billionaire. And someone get me a drone before Amazon snatches every fucking last one of them.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Let us give Thanks. To us. Because we're back. And we're funny. Laugh. Now.

On this Thanksgiving,  it's important to reflect on what important.   And this year,  what could be more important than to call out all the disappointing Habs players so far.   You may think that complaining in the midst of a 4 game winning streak is in bad taste.   Well welcome to the PK'ISTS,  where we make a living on bad taste.   And by make a living,  I mean work for free. And by work,  I mean entertain.

Let us give thanks to René Bourque.   René,  you are the new David Desharnais.  The only difference is that Marc Bergevin doesn't feel the need to try and get you going.   You're the last guy's mistake.  So to make a long story short,  unless there's an ebola virus outbreak in the locker room,  you ain't playing.  Here's a bit of free advice.  Have your sorry excuses for testicles chit chat with @GallyGonads.  Maybe they can learn a thing or two about playing I  this league.


That's it.

Everybody else is either playing well,  playing OK,  or has such little expectations that nobody cares.   I'm talkin about you Mustache Megatron.   Also,  honorable mention should go to Area 51 and Cold Brière who happen to have been rediscovered a few days before this blog would have torn them new Assholes. Keep it up Davey & Dany.

So Happy Thanksgiving everybody!   Except you René.

A-Rab,  out.

Gobble gobble.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

So... this is a bit Awkward.

WE'RE BACK BABY!!  Really looking forward to the season.  Can't wait to see how PK reacts after what he did last year.  And will Price and Davey bounce back?  What's that?  We're a quarter into the season already?  PK won the Norris and the blog that sports his name made no mention of it?  Fuuuuuuuuuuck.  My internet was down for a few months and I just assumed the NHL was in a lockout again.

Whatever, time to move forward.  Habs beat the Sabres tonight in OUR season opener.  I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed.  4 wins in a row.  And aside from the turd of a team we just played, the other 3 wins were vs very good teams.  The real story these last few games has been the discovery of Area 51 and his partner in crime Max Pacioretty.  What the hell happened to those two?  I'm starting to think the porn star staches are what's behind their recent success.  In any case, they seem to be back, and not a minute too soon.  Gallagher's balls, who apparently have a twitter account with over 700 followers, were getting a little fed up with doing all the heavy lifting.

And what can we say about Carey.  The guy was being run out of town last summer and what does he do?  He got married.  Aaahhhh the power of the pussy.  You see, Carey was losing control of his shit.  Too much money, too many bitches, too much everything.  So the motherfucker got hitched.  Started focusing on playing hockey.  And like most married men, he probably prefers working late than hearing his wife complain.  So there you have it.  All Star goalie, kids are playing great, Markov's knee is still with us, and a certain defenseman is leading the team in scoring.  I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft.  I mean PK.  That badass motherfucker is burning up the league once again and probably sending texts to Marc Bergevin in the middle of the night that look something like this:

PK: Where's my money biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch?  Bridge contract?  I got your bridge contract right here.

There, you're caught up.

So stay tuned fellow PK'ists.  Weez back.  Next post should be up mid Feb.

A-Rab, Out.

Landmark Deal Signed as the NHL Renews Blogging Licence with PK'ISTS



The PK'ISTS and the NHL are proud to announce a groundbreaking deal that sees the PK'ists blogging rights which expired at the end of the 2012-2013 season renewed after furious negotiations.

Under the terms of this new landmark agreement, the PK'ists, who under the old agreement generated no income, will continue to get nothing.

As news of this shattering deal broke, PK'ist bloggers immediately voiced their relief.

"We were completely broke under the old contact, said Don's Cherries. This deal guarantees that nothing will change. We still have no money. Nothing. It's great."

"I couldn't wait to begin writing again for free, says HF4. I mean so much had happened. The Habs were eliminated, PK won the Norris. I mean for the love of Christ it's a blog dedicated to PK Subban and we couldn't write a single word about it. Now we can resume sharing our thoughts with millions of hockey fans  our mothers, and earn nothing for it. Not a penny."

The PK'sist writing schedule resumes today, right after our bloggers come back from their weekly visit to Employment Canada.

Hallelujah. Light your first light on the Menorah and consider this your first gift of the holidays: We're back and as broke as ever.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

CHANNEL THE ENERGY NOW


It's time to set a curse on all things Walrus.

Half the team is missing folks. We've got nothing left.

We like this theme.

Just do this.

Robert Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change

The story of this series is hard to believe.

Everyone was clamouring for a Habs-Leafs series,  for the sex appeal of it all. But we all knew the toll that matchup would take on the smaller Habs could be a dear price to pay.

Well, the toll this series with Ottawa has exacted on the Habs is astounding.

The first round has wiped the boys out and nothing can make even the most hopeful soul believe the Habs can turn the tide and win the series.

Eller, Prust, Gionta, White, Price. All gone. After 4 games. It's almost unfathomable. Pacioretty, playing hurt, is a non-factor.

And the weirdness of it all.

Game 1 - as dominating a performance you can ask for. 50 shots. Overwhelming dazzle by Montreal. And then 10 seconds after the Habs' first goal of the series - Eller goes down in a flashback to the wind sucked out of the building when Zednik and Pacioretty both looked like their life was hanging in the balance. And then Carey gave the Sens the win in the third, in yet another display of shaky goaltending.

Game 2 - Logic prevailed. Another great performance by Montreal, with less fanfare and blitz. Series tied.

Game 3 - Total deflation. The weird 6-1 score in a game that was 2-1 Ottawa to start the third. Another terrible third period by Montreal. Sans Gionta and Pacioretty.

Game 4 - 2-0 to start the third. Excellent road play by the Habs who had taken over the game in the second. Another horrible third period. OT, sans Price lasts a few minutes and a terrible goal floats by a cold Budaj. Series nearly over. Kicked in goal. Groin pull. 20 second tying heartbreaker. I mean the floodgates aren't open, they're inviting.

Game 5 - Waiting on the World to Change. Robert Mayer may see some ice time tonight if things go bad. Robert Mayer. Like Waiting on the World to Change, Mayer. Like your body is a wonderland Mayer. Ay caramba.

What Montreal has failed to do this series is develop a killer instinct. Finish the Sens off when they had them down and beat. That 5 on 3 at the end of the second period in Game 1. The poor showing in the third when the game was still theirs. I don't think Montreal fully recuperated from that loss - from the way they lost that game. Because they've done it over and over again.

Tonight is a game that sees the odds stacked highly against Montreal. Budaj is going to have to get the job done, which isn't impossible. But how resilient can you ask a team to be? What's coach Therrien going to tell them? OK boys I know half of you aren't here. I know you saw your boy Eller almost die there last week. I know our number one goalie is gone. Your captain can't even lift his harm to smell his armpit and he's also done for the rest of the year cause he's having surgery in like 8 minutes. I know the only guy on the team who can actually fight moderately well won't be here because every part of his anatomy has taken a blow in the last week. Yeah, yeah, that's Robert Mayer over there in the stall. Yes, yes, it's him. But I don't know, boys, something tells me you've got a chance on any given Sunday. I know it's not Sunday.

The anti-Pacino.

Whatever happens, stand up tonight and salute the home team at the end of the game. Hoooooah!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

NHL AMENDS REFEREE SYSTEM

NHL AMENDS LOGO


NHL AMENDS RULE 48



Rule 48 - Illegal Check to the Head
48.1 Illegal Check to the Head – A hit resulting in contact with an opponent's head where the head is targeted and the principal point of contact is not permitted. However, in determining whether such a hit should have been permitted, the circumstances of the hit, including whether the opponent put himself in a vulnerable position immediately prior to or simultaneously with the hit or the head contact on an otherwise legal body check was avoidable, can be considered.
48.2 Minor Penalty - For violation of this rule, a minor penaltyshall be assessed.
48.3 Major Penalty - There is no provision for a major penalty for this rule.
48.4 Game Misconduct Penalty – There is no provision for a major penalty for this rule.

48.5 Match Penalty - The Referee, at his discretion, may assess a match penalty if, in his judgment, the player attempted to or deliberately injured his opponent with an illegal check to the head.
         If deemed appropriate, supplementary discipline can be applied by the Commissioner at his discretion.
48.6 Fines and Suspensions – Any player who incurs a total of two (2) game misconducts under this rule, in either regular League or playoff games, shall be suspended automatically for the next game his team plays. For each subsequent game misconduct penalty the automatic suspension shall be increased by one game.
Rule 48 - Kicking

48. Kicking a puck in the net is allowed and even encouraged.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Habs and Walrus Even After 2

Well it took about 30 minutes of hockey to ignite a rivalry that prior to this couldn't be bothered.

A performance that would make Jaro say "Anderson yo so gret golie you beet fat Cari wale so fat Cari big to the ass Cari all gols in behind to his net Cari". That's how good Anderson was. That's how bad Carey was.

Then Eller took a page ut of the Zednik's and Pacioretty's of this world.

I've seen all those hits live and every time i can tell you the life in the building is just instantly sucked out from the ventilation systems. The game means little. A life appears to be on the line and you just wait for a sign of hope to hang on to. With twitter fans were scrambling to their feeds to get morsels of information that would reassure them on Eller's status. 

Number 61.

61 only meant something in baseball until Thursday night.

But the walrus gave it entirely new meaning in a classless display of do whatever it takes to win.

Brendan Prust to exception. So did coach Therrien. So did the PK'ISTS.

It was a despicable performance by MacLean - he was as poor as his players were on that night - save for the surreal Anderson.

Fast forward 22 hours.

An entire line is wiped out - as Kevin Spacy would say - and just like that, it's gone.

Eller, Gionta, Pacioretty.

Heartbreak after throwing 50 at Andy. Another horrendous showing by a deflating Price.

This series was over.

No.

It really wasn't.

Again, the Habs took it to the Sens and for a moment it looked as if they would hit 50 again.

They didn't need 50. They played hard, they played patiently. And they took the game - just like that. Carey dug deep. White played the game of his career and the Walrus took a back seat to a better team defeating his squad.

Because the Habs are the better team. They just need to have the better goalie.

Here we are. Game 3. 

Rivalry ignited.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

WHO'S IN THE HOUSE? - OF COMMONS

Let's break this thing down.

The match-ups. The line adjustments. The goaltending. The aging veterans. The virgin rookies. How does it all work?

No damn clue.

Don't like to predict. Don't like to guess. Dryden once said no need to predict - that's why the games are played.

Dryden, that's a start. MP, parliament, Ottawa, Senators Habs. Playoffs. Who rules the house? The lower house - the upper house.

Ok. I got it.

This is how I feel the series is best depicted.



Let's do this. Brit Wig style.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Boredom Incarnate

Man it's gonna be a terrible week.

We've got nothing to say. Nowhere to go.

Thursday night - we'll all be wishing for the Thursdays of old. Cheers, Cosby Show, Night Court. What a lineup that was.

Is there a Diane Sawyer news special on Thursday?

We joke.

It's on.

Habs are division champs. We don't care. We don't do division banners. We don't do conference banners. We don't celebrate the uncelebratable. That's not a word, I know.

Habs-Sens. Never meant as much as it does today. Never. The pairing takes on a whole new dimension. And there are many dimensions to contemplate.

And so we begin tomorrow. Our march of the Sens begins.

We'll see you tomorrow. Grab us a coffee if you get here first.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Here's what we learned last night.

You hear that?  That's the sound of all the doubters doubting themselves.  The Habs pulled off something not many people thought they could last night.  Beating the Leafs was always a possibility.  But smacking them down, grossly outshooting them and not backing down 1 inch when they got in our faces, was not anticipated at all.

Looking forward to the playoffs, we find ourselves waiting to find out which Canadian rival we will face.  The Leafs, who everyone was scared of facing don't seem to be so big and bad anymore.  The Sens are trying to find themselves with the return of their Norris trophy winner.  Personally, I don't know who we should want to play.  The reason I'm leaning towards the Sens is that we might as well win the division and secure home ice for as long as possible, but when it comes to the first round, who knows.

But let's get back to the grade A asswhipping our boys laid on those Leafs.  Outshot 28-17, outscored 4-1.  And in a "statement game" that could very well serve as a playoff preview, they reminded the Buds that they are the better team that will not get pushed around.  Specifically, a few players deserve honorable mention.

1) Lars Eller.  Remember when that looked like a horrible trade?  No more.  The kid has finally blossomed into what I like to call, the shit.  He is now the shit.  He's big, he's fast and he's got soft hands.  And that my friends, is what we call, the shit.

2) Brendan Gallagher and his balls of steal.  In his final chance to convince the voters that he is Calder worthy, the kid morphed into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  And trust me, you don't fuck with a mutant turtle.

3) Andrei Markov.  Aside from 2 shitty penalties, the old bastard showed he's still got gas in the tank with a 2 point night. He proved he didn't need the rest many thought he did.

So tonight, we'll all be watching and hoping.  Hoping for what? Fuck if I know.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Habs Lose 7-3, mushroom cloud visible all the way from Toronto



Rob a bank.  Have an orgy without a condom.  Punch a cop in the face.  Do anything you want.  Because the world is about to end.  Habs lost 2 in a row.  Carey has no idea what he's doing.  Desharnais looks like a blind quadriplegic dwarf.  Pacioretty is MIA.  Sell all your possessions and go to Vegas.

But come back in June when they're in the finals.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Carey Price Beats Habs All By Himself

Alone, he did it alone.

All by himself.

No one else helped.

No one lent a helping hand.

Like a big boy.

"Can I help?" said PK.

"No no I got this" said Carey.

Thanks a bunchy bunch, Carey.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I am Scared of the Capitals - but I knew that

You knew the Habs would be in trouble against the on a mission Caps.

You knew Ovie would remind us that he can be the best in the world when he's not in full party mania.

You knew the Caps could look like a contender if their sum was equal to the greater sum of their parts, 'n shit.

This is what the NHL is all about. Catch a wave late in the season and ride the momentum into the playoffs. Are the Capitals contenders to the throne?  Pretenders? Middle of the Road? You dig?

You also knew that the Habs wouldn't let Eau de Vie run away with it. Even after Washington's back breaking third goal in the third period you knew the Habs would rally. Or at the very least give it all they had before conceding the points.

You knew all of this. So why did you watch the game? Think of what you could have accomplished in three hours.  A Godfather, a game of Battleship with a two-year old, the introduction of any Fidel Castro speech. Put up the blinds, change the batteries to that garage door opener, buy a garage door opener. Read Camus.

You could have been reading fucking Camus.

But no - you had to watch what you knew would happen.

Assholes. All of us.

I'm an asshole.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Ligamente y pomodoro

This picture was taken by the surgeon repairing Alexei Emelin's knee.




This one is of Gallagher's knee.   It doesn't make any sense but I couldn't help myself with the balls.




Saturday, April 6, 2013

NHL gets ready for Epic Battle. Colorado at Phoenix. It's on.

The marquis matchup in the NHL tonight has the Phoenix Coyotes trying to get within 2 points of the 8th and final playoff spot in the west.  The entire state of Arizona is talking about how much they don't give a shit about hockey.  Several white and Hispanic retirees have already mentioned that if the Coyotes move, they will probably not notice and go back to their Bingo nights.  The governor of Arizona is so fed up with illegal immigration, that she has told all Canadian players on the Coyotes to get the fuck out of her state.  They'll be in tough with the visiting Colorado Avalanche standing in their way.  Colorado is the worst team in the NHL.  3 of their 6 defensemen learned how to skate backwards within the last 2 years.  If this match up doesn't get you hard or wet depending on your gender, you can always watch Washington at Florida.

There are no other games of note tonight.

Let's go 'Yotes!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Game review: Habs beat ex-leader of garbage division

Montreal continued to rack up points last night with a much needed win over the Jets.  They kept their perfect record against the southwest division intact.  11-0-0 I believe.  Now they are a feces infested division, but going undefeated in 11 games is amazing no matter how you look at it.  The Winnipeg Jets are doing something incredible.  Something nobody in the world of sports ever thought possible.  They are making the New York Jets seem like a model franchise.  They might as well drop the name and call themselves the Winnipeg Boeing Dreamliners.  If you don't know what a Dreamliner is, pick up a fucking newspaper once in a while.

Michael Ryder continued to make Rainbow Socks look like the president of Mensa with another 2 goal performance.  You can tell he's playing for a fresh contract.  He's always been a sniper but he's finding new ways to score every game.  Beautiful shots, garbage rebounds, anything goes with Ryder this year.

Peter Budaj was once again the best backup in the league, in a league where Luongo is a backup. And some black guy on defense became the top scoring blueliner in the league.  He also shares the lead for the top power play point getter. As in there is no other NHL player with more power play points than him.  And he's doing it having played 6 games less than everybody else. AND, who does he share this lead with?  A certain Andrei Markov.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???  2 defensemen on the Montreal Canadiens lead the league in PP scoring??  This is a league with Sidney Crosby, Steven Stamkos and Alex Ovechkin.

Other scorers were Brian Gionta's nutsack and Alex Galchenyuck, who showed flashes of brilliance last night that we haven't seen in this city since Kovalev played like he gave a shit.

Today is a well deserved day off for the boys as they prepare for the Bruins and their newest member, Mick Jagr.

TripleLowFive mofos.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Game preview: Habs play leader of garbage division

I don't have time to preview this game.  Habs play the Jets Thrashers.  This team has regressed back to being the shit franchise that left Atlanta.  Now don't get me wrong, they can still beat us tonight.  They've got some talent and a good goalie.  But they're shit.  They lead their division and have less points than the 9th place Islanders.  Shit.

Budaj gets the start
White is back in
Plekanec is out
Pacioretty is a game time decision

Jets are shit.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Ro....fall off

Come on now!

You've got the 2 points bagged. In a bag. You deposited 2 points in a bag. A plastic bag, with the twizzly ties. They are in a bag and ready to be transported on the plane.

Or you had the points in a duffle bag and you zipped it up ready to be loaded.

A paper bag with 2 points in it. Awesome, the points fit snuggly in there. They look happy.

2 points you worked not so hard to get - but you got them anyways. In your hands. Done deal. And then you put them in a bag and you can take that bag with you to do what you wish with it.

And what do you do?

You emptied the bag, turned it upside down and let the points spill out.

Opportunity wasted. These are peculiar points because once they're out of the bag you can never put them back in. They are uni-directional points. The bag doesn't accept repeat deposits.

But you knew that, and you took them out of the bag anyway. Really, why would you do that.

All I've got for you is the bag analogy. I want to remain in Metaphoria right now. Speaking about things literally, at this point I have no desire for this. Like I had no desire to watch the bewildered crew in red last night back themselves into a corner.

8th loss in regulation. Chill pills are on the counter ready to be washed down with some soda.

After the Habs beat the Boeings tonight.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Habs have 14% chance of winning the Cup.

So let's get real, it's 2:15 pm and there are absolutely no signs Rainbow Socks is gonna make a significant move.  And why should he?  Don't forget, he's in this for the long haul.  His goal is to keep the team competitive for as along as possible and the Habs are not 1 player away from being Stanley Cup favorites.  They are just as likely to win it with what they've got than with goalless Ryane Clowe.  So why give up your picks for a 3rd liner UFA?  I'd roll the dice with our line up (+ Bourque and Diaz hopefully) and either pile up our young talent or trade those picks at the draft for a better pick or a player under contract.

Pittsburgh was already the runaway favorite to win the east.  Nothing new there.  They lost Sid for the rest of the season but they have a big enough lead to probably coast to the #1 seed and he'll be back for the playoffs.  No matter what move Bergevin makes, he'll never be favored to beat the Pens (on paper of course).

Boston made a move for Yaga but they just lost Bergeron.  They've been struggling lately and if you're Bergevin, you know you can beat them with what you have.

The Habs have kept winning despite Bourque and Diaz going down.  Overpaying for a rental player makes no sense at this point.  He's playing with house money so why mortgage the future to increase your chances of winning by 2%?  If you're wondering how I got to 2%, here it is in layman's terms.  Yes, you're the layman.

First, I established the chances of the Habs winning it all at 14%, then, I figured that if they trade 2 of the 3 2nd rounders for a roster player, that will go up to 16%.  How did I get to those numbers?  I put on a plastic glove and dipped my hand in KY jelly.  Then, I inserted my index finger and thumb directly in my rectum.  In one swift move, I pulled out the number 14 right out of my ass.  I followed that up by adding the number 2 to it.  Voilà.  16% Science at it's best.  I should be a teacher.

Trade Centre - Breaking News #1

Crickets heard flatulating.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Let them eat Canes. Habs beat Hurricanes while PK and Gally make moves for Norris and Calder trophies.

How spoiled am I.  The Habs won for the 23rd time in 35 games.  That's a .657 winning percentage.  Yet I was slightly bored with the game last night.  As my servant fed me grapes and fanned me with peacock feathers, I found myself hoping the game would end faster so I could watch storage wars.  It was a bit of a snoozer if you ask me, but the result is what counts.  Chalk up another win for the Habs.  It's like saying: Thanks for the diamond crown.  Throw it on top of my pile of money and get the fuck out of here.

Nevertheless, the Habs stayed perfect against the Southeast garbage division.  By beating the Hurricanes  they are now 10-0 versus that putrid division.  Now since the readers of this blog are hockey connoisseurs,  I'm not gonna waste your time with analysis of the game.  You saw it.  You know who won.  You know who played well.  What you may not have noticed is that our man PK now shares the lead in scoring among NHL defensemen and our boy wonder Gally is 4 points back of the rookie scoring race.  Let's start with PK.

If after all this guy has done, if you still don't think he's an elite defenseman worthy of a Norris nomination, I'm sorry to inform you that you very well may be a racist.  This guy skipped training camp, and went to live with his parents.  He literally woke up off his parent's couch, tied his skates and DOMINATED the NHL.  Who the hell does that?  28 points in 29 games.  Take a guess at who's got 27 points.  Ilya Fucking Kovalchuck, that's who.  Mr. $100M.  So if leading the league in scoring and being an electrifying player is not enough to be nominated for this trophy, then change its name to the Yandle trophy.  Given to a pretty good defenseman that nobody cares about. And enough with the bullshit that he doesn't play enough minutes.  He's piling up all these points playing 3-4 minutes less than Suter.  How does that not make it even more impressive?  And he's doing it in the most competitive division in the league.  Plus, he hits like a motherfucker while getting booed in every building outside the 514. Give him the fucking trophy now you bastards.

And what can I say about Mr. Gallagher.  Everyone knows how I feel about him and his testicles.  They grew another couple of pounds yesterday with another solid effort.  I might as well stop calling his games a solid effort.  It's not an effort.  It's Gally playing hockey.  It's the only way he knows how.  He too is now in the conversation for a major award.  Nipping at the heels of Huberdeau for the league lead in rookie scoring.  The only difference is he plays 3.5 minutes less per game and happens to be a plus player. He also does all this with 2 grapefruits in his jock.  Incredibly uncomfortable.

So the Habs fly to Philly later today to take on the Flyers.  They are still hanging around the playoff picture so they'll be ready to go.  No doubt the Habs will be too.  Except Kaberle.

TripleLowFive to all and to all a good night.

Follow me @AlexRabbat for more genius comments.  Seriously, follow me now. I can't accept having less followers than a set of @GallyGonads.  Do itnow.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Gallagher's balls reach new high, create twitter account and already have 199 followers. And Habs Shutout Rangers.

So I was gonna sing the praises once again of Mr. Gallagher's huge sack but apparently, his balls don't need me anymore.  They're going solo.  @GallyGonads is the official twitter account of the hottest celebrities in town.  The balls of one Brendan Gallagher.  The fucking balls have more followers than me.  Here they are now getting a breather during a game.




As for Saturday night, things didn't take long to get started when Michael Ryder scored 40 something seconds into the game.  That goal was a synopsis of the evening.  The Rangers looked like a deer in the headlights and nobody seemed to want to touch the puck.  After that, the Pleky blasted one by Biron and Mr. Brass Balls himself closed it out with a typical Gallagher goal 3 feet from the net.  That's the thing about Gally.  He plays the same EVERY game.  Every shift.  Sometimes he scores and sometimes he doesn't, but his ginormous balls are always in your face, suffocating you as you try and breathe.  Add to that a Carey Price on top of his game, and you have yourself a lovely 3-0 win over Torts and his band of Blue Shirts.  It also turned out to be the 4th straight shutout for Carey over the Rangers on Bell Center ice.  In other words, he fucking owns them.

This game also saw the return of Brandon Prust and the NHL debut of Mr. Nathan Bouillon.  At least that's what Cassie Campbell called him.  I'm sure his entire family was thrilled to have that moment ruined when she not only mangled the name, but confused him with another player.  Geez Cassie, it's not like his name was Natanievsky Barishnikov.  But the kid held his own.  17 minutes of ice time, took a couple of hits like a big boy and even got a shot on net.  Hopefully this kid could one day become part of a great 2nd pairing on the powerplay.

And last but not least, PK.  The guy is unstoppable.  3 more assists brings his season point total to 27 in 28 games.  1 point behind the league leaders Suter and Letang.  My money is on him passing them by the end of the year for the lead in goals and points.  He's a fucking point a game defenseman, playing against the other teams top lines, for almost 23 mins a game and leading the league in goals by a dman.  And did I mention he's 1 point back of his team's lead in scoring?  All this with no training camp and 6 missed games.  Something tells me signing him to a 5yr 25M deal would've started looking mighty cheap by now.

Big week coming up with 4 games on the docket.  A playoff spot should be all but clinched by the end of it.

TLF to all my peeps.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Back to business. After 2 days off, Habs hit the ice vs Torts' underacheivers

As the hangover from Wednesday's giant orgasm wears off, the Habs get back to business tonight as they welcome everybody's favorite sour puss, Mr. Tortorella himself.  Torts is, how can I put this, failing miserably at motivating his all star lineup.  A team that was pegged as a favorite in the East is tied for the final playoff spot with the Islanders.  That's right.  The team with Nash, Richards, Gaborik & Lundqvist, is tied with the team still paying Alexei Yashin.  4-5-1 in their last 10 games and coming off a shutout to the Ottawa farm team.  You would think this would be easy pickins, but that's what we thought about Buffalo and the Islanders.  The moral of the story, teams from the state of New York cannot be taken lightly.  Although they've struggled, the Rangers are capable of beating anybody on any given night with all that talent.  The Habs are going to have to do their thing.  A quick, fast paced game, stay out of the box (since their penalty kill is atrocious) and capitalize on the powerplay.  And if that doesn't work, just let Gallagher's enormous balls to all the work.

As for the lineup, couple of changes for tonight.  First and foremost, a gentleman by the name of Brandon Prust will most likely make his much anticipated return against his former team.  On defense, the Tomas Kaberle suicide watch continues as the coach trusts a 3rd different rookie to play in his spot.  Nathan Beaulieu gets a crack at the NHL and hopefully gets some PP time on the 2nd unit.

So Torts, enjoy the spring like weather today.  There's a shitstorm with your name on it on its way.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There's Something about Brendan. Habs defy logic, win 6-5 in shootout.

Readers of this blog are familiar with my views on Brendan Gallagher's balls and the sack in which they reside.  I've called them huge.  I've diagnosed him with massive ball syndrome.  I've said that if this keeps going, he may one day be a giant testicle with arms on skates.  Well, I think it's time to admit the truth.  The kid has been entirely consumed by gonad material. He's insane.  He seems to thrive in situation so pressure packed they would make ordinary humans retreat to the fetal position.

So let's review.  Habs unexpectedly go up 2-0.  Habs decide to play Yahtzee on the bench for the entire 2nd period.  Habs find themselves down 4-2.  Gallagher becomes a giant nut and scores 2 in the last 8 minutes of the game (*correction, game-tying goal credited to Markov. This is HF4 interfering with A-Rab's shit, have a good day everyone, I'm off now).  Habs win 6-5 in shootout.  Did I miss something?

Last night, they skated with the best team in the east.  Tonight, they beat the toughest.  I know it's just one game and that in a 7 game series, things might be different.  But tonight, they played their hearts out.  A real roller coaster from beginning to end.  But when the entire building thought they were dead, they dug deep and kicked the Bruins right in the groin.  A week that looked like it might turn to shit pretty fast is now very salvageable.

Lost in my jizz filled euphoria was the fact that Carey was pulled after two periods.  Clearly it was a move made as a wake up call to the team and not aimed at his performance.  The Marchand goal was a freak occurrence and the Bergeron and Horton goals were impossible to stop.   Sometimes, a coach has to pull a move like that to get inside the heads of his guys.  And like so many times this year, Therrien has proved that he knows what makes them tick.

After getting beat in their own building by the embellishers, things will surely change.  By tomorrow, Boston will probably be the new home of Jarome Vaginla.  He will have hand picked his destination.  So Beantown, get ready for a dogfight.  We're in first place and we like it here.

TripleLowFive   MOTHAFUCKAS!!!!

Stanley Cup Half Full and a Mea Culpa to Jewish Mothers

So the Habs have just lost back to back games in regulation time for the first time this season. It's a freaking disaster totally reasonable outcome in the lifespan of a season.

By all accounts, and by this I mean mine, the Canadiens played a better 60 minutes than the Penguins last night. By all accounts, (hi there, me again) the fact that they did so on the road is even more impressive.

I look at last night's game as part 1 of a 2-part act. Tonight's game against the Bruins is the conclusion of what was an important measuring stick for this unproven squad. If the Habs come out of Boston with a win, they head back home with added confidence. An acceptable loss in Pittsburgh and a win in Boston -an excellent split. If they lose in Boston, it still serves a as a useful reference. It exhibits what's left to improve, what holes need to be filled and what size Jarome Iginla's jersey needs to be. Dream on.

It's interesting to see what that 7-6 game meant to both teams. It was fun but it was unacceptable. The Pens learned a lesson from it and toned down the offence in favour of stingy checking, and the Habs learned that they could play firewagon hockey - but that it was best no to. They can match the Penguins at at 7-6 or 1-0 game with zero complex.

Now for the Bruins. It's going to be a hell of a hockey game. Whatever the outcome, this is THE game of the regular season - and I think both teams just want to come out of it even. Nobody's going to school anyone, at least that's what the plan is. Don't let it be a statement game. Just play your game. And if it is going to be a statement game, make it your statement.

On a personal note, I have to say that not having a playoff game interfere with a Passover Seder a Passover Seder interfere with a playoff game was a welcome situation. No stress at the table, no mom who spent the week cooking waiting for her 17 male family members to unglue themselves from the TV to actually eat the food she slaved over. The lockout was, by design, an apology to Jewish mothers. That's why the players held out so long. To make amends with Jewish mothers.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Habs prepare for a defining 24 hours. Paging Jack Bauer.

In 29 hours, the Canadiens season may look quite different than it does today.  As of right now, the Habs are a good team.  Solid from top to bottom.  But all the experts will tell you that they are not top tier.  And it's hard to argue.  The Pens have won 12 straight.  The Bruins, although struggling lately, have the confidence of having gone all the way less than 2 years ago.  The Habs are the new kid on the block.  And they're coming off a horrible season.  So it's normal they don't get the benefit of the doubt 31 games into a 48 game mini season.  But in 29 hours, that could all change.  If they beat these 2 teams, on the road, on back to back nights, the collective ball sack of this group will grow exponentially.  Well, except for Brendan Gallagher.  This blog has often discussed this kid's larger than life balls.  If they get any bigger, Dr. Mulder will need to be brought in for ball reduction surgery.  He'll need a ballectomy.  So Gallagher aside, the team will will have a super sized scrotum.

But the Pittsburgh game has many side stories.  They will be welcoming 2 new acquisitions in Morrow and Murray, not to mention the small detail of a 12 game winning streak.  And just to add a little spice, Therrien will be coaching in Pittsburgh for the first time since being fired the year they won the cup.  Man that's gotta suck.

Shero: Michel, you're out.  The guy aren't responding to your methods anymore.

Therrien: Common Ray, don't listen to dem.  Dey need to be push.

Shero: You're done.  Disco Dan is in.

Therrien: Fuck you asshole.  Your team is nothing but a bunch of crybabies.  You'll never win a cup without me.  If you meet the Red Wings in the finals, they'll destroy you.  Malkin will crumble under the pressure and Fleury can't make the big save when it counts. You'll see.  Can you validate my parking?

Montreal will also welcome Mr. Passover himself Jeff Halpern back to the lineup after his 2 year pilgrimage to synagogues in DC and Manhattan. And if this challenge isn't daunting enough, They'll fly to Boston immediately after for a rendez-vous with the Bruins on Wednesday.

Needless to say, if they win these two games, the Eastern conference will be a 3 headed monster.  Well one of them will be a penis head, but you get the idea.


Really Jarome?

Rumor has it that Jarome Iginla has given a list of 4 teams he would agree to be traded to.  On that list are the Penguins, Bruins, Blackhawks and Kings.  Really Jarome?  That's it?  Well the Pens made their moves, so you can scratch them off your list.  No love for the #2 team in the east?  No love for the team that is looking for a skilled, gritty power forward that could make it as good a contender as any? Are you not aware we also have a black guy on our team?  A strip club at every corner?  Besides, All those other teams already won a cup.  They can't win another one for at least 6 years as per the new CBA.  So get your head out of your ass and add us to that list.  We're willing to give up Kaberle and/or Weber and/or Blunden.  We would've given up more but we're afraid that the Quebec market will not understand why you spell your name with an A.  But if you come and we win it all, I'm willing to bet that a small town north of Laval will soon be called St-Jarome.  Go to Boston and forever be known as Jarome Vaginla.  No disrespect to Vaginas, but they have a hard time gripping their sticks when they get wet.  Your call.

In other news, the Leafs are Syphilis.

Monday, March 25, 2013

PK for Passover



We've done this before.

Here and here.

We are told that divine intervention altered Carey Price's career like no other phenomenon could.

Lately, we have felt that PK could use a little guidance, like young Carey did, back in the day. So we called up the big Man himself (or Big Woman if you are of the persuasion) and had a meeting set up at Hurley's on Crescent.

Happy Passover everyone. Enjoy the constipation.

PK arrives at Hurleys:

PK - Hi - I have a reservation for 2. I'm meeting someone. He may have arrived. About 6'3, 220. Long flowing hair, heavy grey beard. Cane, not sure but he may have a limp, which explains the cane.

Waitress: Sorry, your guy hasn't arrived. You can wait at any table. Where do you want to sit?

PK: Doesn't matter - maybe try to avoid sitting me next to a metallic object or anything that is conducive to lightning.

Waitress: Your teamate Alexei Emelin is here - wanna wait at his table?

PK: Hell no! Emelin's got a metal plate in his head. That shit can bounce lightning off me in a flash.  Sit me the fuck away from Emelin.

Waitress: What's with this lightning thing? Is this a weird phobia?

PK: God no! Oh shit, I take that back.

Waitress: Just sit in the corner PK and I'll bring your friend over when he gets here.

Rumbling sound is heard.....tremor is felt throughout the establishment

Lord:  Pernell Karl. Reveal yourself!

PK: I'm right here!

Lord: I know, i just get a kick out of saying that EVERY TIME.

PK: Where are you? I can't see you. I can hear you but I can't see you.

Lord: Where am I? You call yourself a top-6 defenceman? That's the point Pernell Karl, you gotta know where people are at all times WITHOUT seeing them. You think I gave people eyes for sight? No, no, Pernell Karl, I gave people eyes to draw attention away from their noses. I'm not satisfied with the nose, it wasn't my best creation. Could never get the patent right. The design is flawed.

PK: I understand.

Lord: Do you really, Pernell Karl? Do you? Cause by the looks of things, you say you understand, but you don't really. Your head's all like "yeah, I dig it" but your brain's all like "fuck that shit, I don't get it".

PK: What are you trying to say?

Lord: You need some guidance, Pernell Karl, for the love of Me. You need to follow some simple rules. 10 of them, and they need to be sacred.

PK: I'm all ears.

Lord: Now the ears I'm proud of. That's a complex body part. Layered.

PK: Mine are funny looking.

Lord: Take that back.

PK: I take it back.

Lord: 10 rules Pernell Karl.

1 - THOU SHALL NOT HOP LIKE A JEWISH GRASSHOPPER DURING THAT COLDPLAY SONG BEFORE HITTING THE ICE. It's a distraction and gives Desharnais whiplash.

2 - THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO PLASTER EVERY MOVING PLAYER ON THE ICE WITH THE HIT TO END ALL HITS.

3 - THOU SHALL DO THE TRIPLE LOW FIVE. JUST DO IT.

4- THOU SHALL HOLD OUT IN 2015. YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR FAMILY, PERNELL KARL. THOU MUST FEED THOU'S FAMILY. THIS IS WHAT I TOLD LATRELL SPREWELL. I TOLD HIM TO WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND THE SITUATION. BLING BLING, PERNELL KARL - AND I DON'T MEAN CHURCH BELLS RINGING.

5 - THOU SHALL CALL HAL GILL AND MAKE AMENDS FOR THE ENDLESS BABYSITTING THOU MADE HIM DO. Actually, scratch that, he needed the practice for Sergei Kostitsyn, who I would have left in the hay to be raised by cows if he were my son.

6- THOU SHALL BE GENTLE WITH THOU'S BROTHER IN BOSTON. JUST KIDDING! I KILL ME. NO, SERIOUSLY, THOU SHALL ALWAYS HIT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. ARE YOU KIIIIDDDING ME!! ARE YOU FOR REAL? WHERE DO I COME UP WITH THESE?! THAT'S 6-DAY QUALITY RIGHT THERE.

7- THOU SHALL INVEST HALF OF NEXT SEASON'S PAYCHECK IN A PRIVATE EQUITY FUND CALLED PKIST FINANCIAL. THOU SHALL NOT ASK QUESTIONS. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

8- THOU SHALL ACCEPT CIRCUMCISION AS A RIGHT OF PASSAGE AND IN HOMAGE TO MAX PACIORETTY, THOU SHALL GO THROUGH CIRCUMCISION DURING TV TIME-OUT OF RANGERS GAME ON SATURDAY AND NOT MISS A SHIFT.

9- THOU SHALL NOT PLAY HOCKEY ON SATURDAYS. NO, DAMN YOU'RE DOING SNIPPY SNIP ON SATURDAY....OK WEDNESDAY - SNIPPY SNIP ON WEDNESDAY.

10- THOU SHALL PASSOVER THE PENGUINS IN THE STANDINGS.

PK: That's it? Those are the rules?

LORD: Those are the rules. I like you, Pernell Karl. You remind me of my nephew who performed for my son's 33rd birthday party. In fact, Pernell Karl, what you don't know is that you are descendant of this great man. My nephew's bloodline extends through generations and generations...to you. Lets watch it together:





Sunday, March 24, 2013

Habs lose to Sabres again. Therrien on hot seat (he actually has a heated toilet bowl)

The Habs finished their week 1-1-1 after dropping another game to the Buffalo Sabres.  There are two ways to look at their performance this week.

1) The Habs lost 2 games to the Sabres that they mostly dominated.  You can't win 'em all.

2) Habs lost 2 out of 3 to teams out of the playoffs and Therrien should be fired and lapidated by an angry suicidal mob.

Somehow, PK finds himself at the center of all story lines with this team.  On Tuesday, he took the bad penalty that resulted in the game winning OT goal.  On Thursday, he responded by dominating the Islanders. Litterally, he wore leather and sodomized them in their dressing room during post game interviews.  And then last night he took a delay of game penalty that messed everything up.  Not sure if there was a definitive replay that showed if it was warranted, but his reaction seemed that he was genuinely shocked that nobody saw it hit the glass on its way out.  But, what's done is done.  1-1-1.

We all know it sucks to lose, but it's way easier to lose in games you showed up in and played well.  The team might just be showing signs that the injuries are catching up a little.  The unfortunate part is that we could've used this week to bank points ahead of a much harder 7 days.  Pens/Bruins in back to back road games and another date with grumpy old man Tortellini.  Would've been nice to get 5 out of 6 points before heading into that.  But as our beloved team has shown us, they always show up against the top teams.

They'll have some help for this daunting task.  50 goal (I mean year-old) man Jeff Halpern will make his 2nd appearance in a Canadiens uniform.  He'll bring a little depth and some welcome help in the face-off circle.  But other than that, this team will have to continue to find a way to win until Prust, Bourque and Diaz get back.  I don't see Rainbow Socks making any earth shattering moves.

I'll be on the Week in Review show on www.montrealhockeytalk.com with Ted Bird and Dave Kellerman in about an hour.  Go listen to the show.  Then follow me on twitter @AlexRabbat.  Then pick up my Dry cleaning.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Gallagher Quits Team Over Goal Dispute and Boredom Brought on by Listless Placental Mammals



No he doesn't.

Ok, so we spent the evening last night over at Montreal Hockey Talk debating whether last night's win over the Islanders was important for the team's psyche.

I thought the game meant very little. I was alone in thinking this. I felt isolated. Cold. Rejected. Corey thought the game could have created a tailspin with a loss in Long Island and two potential back to back losses to the Pens and Bruins.

Nick Murdocco and Coach K believed it could play with the team's morale. Steph Darwish leaned more towards my beliefs but a full conversion would have implied a change to Judaism and she resisted at the thought.

The game, however nice the win was, meant absolutely nothing. It wasn't going to affect the team in the playoffs - they weren't going to face a game 7 in Boston with a nagging "shit, we couldn't beat the Islanders" pecking their minds.

Another loss to NYI would have just been par for the course - an anomaly in an otherwise perfect season. So what, they couldn't beat the Isles, couldn't get up for a game against the league's least charismatic franchise- I mean we're talking the charisma of an armadillo. A dead armadillo.

But the boys didn't have to make it a debate after all because after a slow start, the Canadiens just took the game away from the Islanders and created the score that restored common sense in the universe. Gallagher's balls were as bouncy as ever and PK continued to make a strong case for the Norris and a cameo in the next Modern Family. He is a modern hockey player. It's a fit. Stop arguing with me.

The Habs have won 20 out of 30. 20 out of 30. And yet they still face the possibility of finishing 4th. It's the kind of season it's been. Crazy streaks with teams zeroing in on opposition faced over and over in this abridged season. Believe my friends, believe. This team will make spring and the early summer memorable - either in the shape of a deep run or a huge flameout. Bet on the former.

Tomorrow is the last game of what has been an easy 2-week stretch in both opposition and time between games.

As of March 26 in Pittsburgh, it's a new chapter in a more condensed, more difficult schedule. And a back to back Pens-Bos was more than enjoyable last time so we look forward to the week ahead.

Nice to finally leave the armadillos behind.

*thank our amazing Golden Girl for the pic.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Habs visit bizarro world, a dimension where Dennis Rodman is Secretary General of the United Nations and the Islanders are better than them.

Tonight the Habs are Long Island to play a team that for some reason gives them a lot of trouble.  On Paper, it doesn't make any sense.  It's like Denzel taking Precious on 3 dates and not scoring.  Like GSP losing to Richard Simmons.  Twice.  Why the hell is this team giving us so much trouble?  I mean when we lose to Toronto, I can understand it a bit more.  They're a harder team to play against and have a bunch of guys who can fight.  But aside from Tavares and Geoff's nephew Matt Moulson, they're pretty thin.  And tonight, speedy winger Michael Grabner ain't playing.  This is a team that still has Alexei Yashin on the payroll.  That's how well managed they are.  I mean look at the moves they made over the years

Trading Chris Osgood and a 3rd rounder for Justin Papineau and Jeremy Colliton

Trading Bryan McCabe and Tood Bertuzzi for Jarko Ruutu and Trevor Linden

Picking Rick DiPietro first overall.  Not because it turned out to be a mistake, because they already had another Italian goalie in Roberto Luongo.  And they traded him and Olli Jokinen for Mark Parrish and Oleg Kvashit.

Signing Yashin to a 29 year 6 billion dollar deal that they will be paying off until 2015.  And who did they give up for this privilege?  Some guy called Zdeno Chara and another loser by the name of Jason Spezza.

Milbury the human brain fart was obviously voted off the island after his disastrous tenure and NBC thought he would be a credible source of hockey analysis.

But if those moves were made here in Montreal, Milbury would have been murdered.  Not crime of passion murdered.  I'm talking premeditated mid evil shit.  Some guy would've abducted him and skinned him alive while forcing him to watch a Honey Boo Boo marathon in Swahili with a naked Pauline Marois.

Let's hope our boys can restore balance in the universe and get back to their winning ways.  Dropping  this game would make it impossible to salvage what was supposed to be an easy week.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

LIFE OF PK


I can't believe my story went straight to DVD.

I mean, my whole life, I've been happy, content, and then in a split second, on a Carnival cruise last month, my life became a living hell.

Something happened on the ship. The boat hit a wave and the tilt disconnected the cable service. No Netflix, no WI-FI. A nightmare by anyone's standards. I did what any sensible human being would do. I threw myself off the boat and swam for dear life.

But I wasn't alone. Like the Bruins that have tormented my soul since I entered the league, a bear who too could not tolerate the inhumane conditions on the ship also jumped off in the hopes of a better fate. Those damn Bruins. Here I am tearing up their goalies and what do they do? They draft my brother Malcolm. What am I supposed to do now? Make mama cry?

Anyways, some helpless internet-less soul on the boat probably witnessed the situation unravel because before I knew it, the bear and I were both making for a lifeboat that had been tossed over.

"Richard Park! Swim Richard Park, you can do it Richard Park!"Crap! I just invited a full grown bear on a lifeboat with me! What was I thinking?!??

Richard Park was an enormous beast, - a famous bear from the Boston Zoo - and all his presence did was constantly remind me of Zdeno Chara. What luck. For days, I refused to leave the tarpaulin in the hopes that I could outlast Richard Park, my Asian bear, but alas, the will of Richard Park was strong.

How could I defeat the bear?! I could barely outlast the Bruins and this was just a re-enactment of my failed fortunes. I figured it out though. By my calculations, we would be rescued in 7 days. The "What to do if you're a shipwrecked professional hockey player" manual in the boat came in very handy. A person needs to drink 4 days out of 7 if he is to survive. Drinking for 3 days during this period will be fatal.

Simple.

Richard Park would not deny me my fluids, nor my intake of raw fish. Man can't live without his sushi. It was a gruelling task, trying to tame the bear for seven days. Most days, I felt he wasn't even that thirsty, I personally felt he was embellishing. He looked hydrated to me.

Whining, whining, whining, that's all Richard Park would do. And then one day he had had enough and tried to break my head across the bow. Totally against castaway rules. "No, Richard Park! This is my boat! This is my head! You will not claw me to my death! Do you hear me Richard Park! Do you hear me you ugly bear!!!"

Richard Park was not amused. I knew that this bear would go to the extent of his convictions. A few years back, Richard Park had been invited with the rest of his zoo-mates to the Whitehouse to put on a show for Sasha's birthday (or was it Malia...). Richard Park refused. The animals all put on a great circus act but Richard Park stayed home, protesting the President's treatment of Asian bears and Asian actors in Judd Apatow comedies. He posted his views all over Facebear.

Richard Park was a serious creature. But I found ways to defy the odds and I drank my ration of fluids 4 days out of 7.

But it took 7 days. And I was running out of tricks.

On the seventh day, with a few seconds left before sundown, I had to do something. Time was running out. And that's when I caught a glimpse of the strangest thing. This enormous bear, for all his massive girth had the tiniest penis. "Richard Park! Your penis is so small! Look at your little bear penis, Richard Park! Look at those little balls!" Richard Park didn't like that at all. It agitated him. He protested more than ever before. So I decided to pull out the all-important penis measuring rule from the castaway playbook. I measured Richard Park's penis. It was indeed tiny by bear standards. The bear knew it. I knew it. Richard Park was defeated. He threw himself off the lifeboat.

The story of my survival is a harrowing tale. But a bear with penis envy is condemned to a life that makes a Carnival cruise seem like a ...(how the hell do you even finish that sentence...)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Why TSN 690 Means So Much


Petitions sometimes have this heavy draining effect on people. They illicit the weary "what do you want now?" response out of the best of us. They solicit your time, energy, attention, empathy and sometimes your money.

Good causes. They're everywhere. So many of them totally legitimate, important. Questions of race, equality, justice, democracy, fairness, human kindness  - all adorn the patterns of our charitable minds.

But how do you choose what to attach yourself to? It may boil down to a combination of objective need and subjective want.

Objective needs figure prominently when a collection of people have no real choice but to work together for the sake of a common plight where basic needs are threatened.

Subjective wants will stir one into action when one's personal sense of enjoyment and entitlement is compromised.

TSN690 does nothing to save the world, its disappearance would have no impact whatsoever on our fundamental human needs - so why is it so important to save TSN690?

Because what TSN690 does is enjoyable, it's community driven and it's unique. It's us.

The campaign to save TSN690 will never compete with the ones that call for an end to child soldiers or famine. But petitions and causes don't all have to drive such all-encmpassing messages. Some just need to speak to your heart. Measuring their plight with that of larger banner movements is to deflect and trivialize a debate that warrants Montrealers' time and energy.

TSN690 speaks to my heart. Quite literally it speaks, and expresses, and conveys, and, in doing so, it has so much to say.

It speaks the language of sports, an undying articulation of family, hope and commitment for so many in this city. Montreal moves. It skates to defy the punishment of the cold, it skis to escape it, it jumps, it shoots, it bats, it chants, it kicks. It does it all in every pocket of every neighbourhood. It plants flags on cars and wears team colours we love. It does so everywhere.

It speaks in the tones of Montreal, a vibrant and emotionally connected city, abundant in opinion, charisma and devotion.

It speaks of the Montreal Canadiens who in large part are enmeshed in our sentimental core - the Habs win and we celebrate, and they lose and we hurt. And TSN690 is there every day to tell the story of this ceremonially sentimental narrative.

It spoke of the Montreal Expos through Elliott Price and Mitch Melnick's incomparable love of the game. We know that as journalists they are called to restrain their affection for a team, but Mitch and Elliott's love of baseball cut through every broadcast with honest dedication to a sport that is so elegantly poetic it continues to make the void it leaves in this city uncomfortable.  Mitch's mourning of the Expos stands as one of the most wrenching testimonies of love and loss I've seen a journalist convey on a public platform. He expressed it so truthfully that we weren't only sad for us. We were sad for him.

It speaks English....It speaks English. The better half and enduring companion of la francophonie montréalaise. It speaks English, all by itself, alone in its complete dedication to sports in Montreal. It echoes English Montreal's dedication to defining who Montreal is and what it wants to be - a gorgeous example of everything that is right about the dance of both solitudes. TSN690 speaks more elegantly than anyone else to the incredible combinations that comprise Montreal.

Montreal, resilient. Montreal often attacked by those who wish to see it speak differently, look differently. But Montreal stands there (as Red Fisher would say) and refuses to compromise.

TSN690 is Montreal. And to save TSN690 is to rescue a portion of Montreal's soul.

I have come to know many people at the station, from Manager Wayne Bews to the interns that have helped shape so many shows that have aired. These are good people.

In 2004, Mitch Melnick received one of many emails he gets in a day and took the time to answer a young lawyer who loved sports and journalism more than anyone can convey. I just wanted to be part of the conversation. Mitch helped create the Legal Minute at the TEAM990 with the morning crew of Casavant Price and Starr. It wasn't my best work and I found it extremely difficult to create the right content while working difficult hours for a large firm. But it was a first and it marked a start.

It has led me to my work with Four Habs Fans, the Gazette and, today, some guest work on TSN690, Montreal Hockey Talk and our blog, the PK'ists. If my story truly began with my mother and father cheering on the Habs in the 70's with an impressionable toddler by their side, it found its first, more cohesive and credible outlet with the TEAM990. And on I went.

It has allowed me to meet colourful and hard working individuals who have made an undeniable mark on this city. Tony Marinaro beats to the pulse of Montreal's various loves and he does it with confidence and flair. Mitch Melnick so intelligently weaves music into the conversation to remind us on a daily basis that if Montreal loves its hockey, it's not at the expense of its love affair with music. Price, Starr, always an easy way to begin a day - always making you feel as if you're simply eavesdropping. The Franchise, light and entertaining and happy to be there with us on the weekends.

And most recently Ted Bird, a man I have tremendous respect for. Because of his respect for the craft, for what makes journalism so essentially important. His command of both language and common sense make for one of the most balanced exposés you will hear in this city. His loyalty to the core values of the business, that alone can serve as his legacy with more eloquence than the words he expresses and that have accompanied us to work for so many years.

So many good people at TSN690 doing so much. There is no reason, be it in law, in pure logic or in brute business terms for this outlet to vanish.

TSN690 stands alone, uncompromising in who it wants to be. Is that not exactly what Montreal is all about?

Save TSN690.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sunday Master: Jarred Tinordi

When I think of the name Tinordi I think of the Dallas Star who sacrificed his leg on the altar of the icing debate.

I think of a hulking defenceman who brought more than size to his team - his frame also carried some excellent hockey IQ.

It bodes well that Mark Tinordi's bloodline is extended through his son, Jarred, who plays the same position with the same poise, leadership and fierce sense of compete his father once did.

And last night, Jared did it in the NHL, for the first time ever.

So on a day when Pope Francis conducted his first ever Sunday Mass, we introduce the Sunday Master, a new feature that will probably last a week and fall into oblivion. But for now, the celebrant of our Sunday Jewish Mass is the young Tinordi who along with his fellow Canadiens, came into Jersey on a mission and left the town of the Shore with 2 points in hand. And out of place, never did he look. (is that syntax correct?...never out of place did he not...not ever out of place did he....huh...)

I like this Tinordi, and I think I'll like him as much as I enjoyed his dad. He hit, he skated, and for a few moments there it appeared as if he had scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game. That is until it became clear Tomas Plekanec had tipped Tinordi's shot from the point passed a helpless Hedberg.

Pause. How the heck did Hedberg get to 39 so fast? That's as weird as hearing that Macaulay Culkin is faring well in his retirement home after recovering from hip replacement surgery.

Anyways, with Hedberg and Brodeur as the tandem in goal for the Devils, one has to wonder if Kirk Douglas won't be called up in case one of the two goes down with an injury.

These Habs have gone a near quarter of a normal calendar with one loss in regulation time. It's an astounding feat. And it looks legitimate. The previous editions of the Habs would start to falter around Christmas time then have to rely on a strong surge to make it into 8th. What would indicate that this fate awaits these Habs. No player is really playing in over his head. It's the same old 70-point pace we've been accustomed to for any top scorer on this team. Defence is what this team is about and a balanced attack is where it surprises. They can score and they can stop you from scoring. In my book, that's a fairly decent combination.

Another easy week awaits, in theory.

And in theory, contraception, abortion, homosexual marriage and generally liberal thought should all be afforded the gifts of tolerance and understanding. That's why I like our Francis, #55, way better than theirs, #266.

And all of you looking for a miracle from the Vatican should look no further than Colby Armstrong getting his first as a Hab. In spiritus santa maria from heaven, it's about fucking time.

Extra-Tinordinary: Giant man-child sets up winner as Habs keep on rolling. But more importantly we were on the TSN 690 pregame show.

In his first NHL game as professional pro who plays in the NHL, Jarred Tinordi put forward a solid effort, not to mention having his slap shot redirected by Pleky for the winner.  Add a +2 and nearly 15 minutes of ice-time and you have yourself a pretty decent debut.  But let's be real.  Unless there are more injuries or the kid plays in such a way that he forces Therrien's hand, this is probably just an audition for next year.  I don't see him replacing Diaz in the long run and there's no point in him sitting in the stands when we have a perfectly good Kaberle who's great at watching from the press box.  I'll get back to Kaberle in a second.

I just wanted to touch on Carey's performance.  The guy has been taking some heat lately for not playing his best.  I'll admit he's let in a few softees in the last couple of games, but when you look around the NHL, all the supposedly elite goalies have been having trouble at some point during the season.  But last night, in the last 10 minutes of the game, he was awesome.  Every puck seemed to hit him, he was never out of position and didn't give any sloppy rebounds.  And like I mentioned on the TSN pregame show with Ted Bird yesterday, if the Habs keep winning during Carey's tough stretch, they'll be that much better when he gets back into his groove.  I'm not one to brag about being on radio, but I was fucking awesome on radio yesterday.  Did I mention that?  That I was awesome?  Well I was.

Now back to the red cheek freak, Tomas Kaberle.  I equate him to a flaming bag of dog feces left at the doorstep of Marc Bergevin by his predecessor Mr. Gauthier.  We'd be free and clear of Spacek by now if it wasn't for that useless trade.  But alas we are stuck with him, so I might as well make the most of it and ridicule him while I can.  Can you imagine the conversation between Therrien and Tomas?  Well I can.

Tomas: Hey coach, I'm getting bed soars from not playing since 1989.  Think I can get in there sometime this month?

Therrien: I told you Tommy, I get you in der da second it possible.

Tomas: But you called up that kid Pateryn before letting me play.  WTF?

Therrien: Ben oui yé ben meilleur que toi.  Pi yé beau bon pas cher.

Tomas: Gazuntite

Therrien: Tomas, I try to be nice wit you, but i tink I tell you la vérité.  T'es poche.  Dat mean you suck in french.  So here da deal.  We give you $4,000,000 and you play wit your balls.

Tomas: Comon coach, I still have a lot to give.

Therrien: Da only ting you have to give is syphilis.  It's over Tomas.  Even if tree guy go down with broken leg tomorrow, I gonna call up Beaulieu and tell JJ and Gallant to suit up.

Tomas: You're funny coach.  Is this one of your mind games to keep me ready for the moment you need me?  You can't possibly think that of me.

Therrien:  Sort de mon bureau ostie d'imbécile.

Tomas: Thanks coach!  I won't let you down.


TripleLowFiveStraightWins!

 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Pope Francis' first order of business: Habs must defeat Devils

It's been a big week for Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Ron Francis.  I mean Pope Francis.  On March 13th he became the 4th leading scorer in NHL history.  I mean the 266th pope of the Catholic Church.  As an Argentinian, he is the first pope from outside Europe in almost 1300 years.  If Don Cherry heard how Europeans dominated the papacy for 1300+ years, he'd faint.  Everybody knows European popes don't like going into the corners and getting dirty... unless there's an altar boy in there... but I digress.

As he stood in front of hundreds of thousands of pilgrims who came to see him utter his first words as leader of the church, he looked into their eyes and said (please note this is a loose translation as my latin is quite rusty):

- My friends, next Saturday, we visit the Devils.

As the crowd started to panic, he clarified:

Relax you Jesus freaks!  I meant we're going to Jersey to "play" the Devils.  Jesus Christ are you guys ever sensitive!  The Habs are on a tear.  4 straight wins and we've gotten a point in 15 of our last 16.  Fucking Islanders came out of nowhere that night. But the Pens and Bruins are right up our asses.  And speaking of pens in asses, isn't Miguel the best altar boy you've ever seen??

Now, we really need to take it to the Devils.  We can't show any mercy whatsoever.  Having the killer instinct is what we've been lacking.  When we feel our opponent is weak, we really need to finish them off and step on their throat.  Can I get an Amen?!?!  We really need to look to this team and come together as human beings.  Canadians, African-Americans, Native-Americans, Europeans... they all work together over there and they went from last to first place!  Surely we can get through this pedophile thingy... right?

Best.  Pope. Ever.

On a personal note, I'm shedding my pen name of Don's Cherries.  I feel this name has done all it can for me.  Comparing yourself to the testicles of a 79 year-old man can only take you so far in life.  As my new name, I'm taking a page from other like minded celebrity geniuses.  J-Lo, A-Rod, Cu-Jo, D-Wade, and now...

A-Rab

Friday, March 15, 2013

David & Goliath. New deal for Desharnais, Tinordi gets his shot

Earlier today, Marc Bergevin signed David Desharnais to a 4yr/$14M contract.  On any other day, I would say this is too much money and too much term for the Gary Coleman of the NHL.  But I guess I have no choice but to give our GM the benefit of the doubt.  His team is in first place.  His socks are extra colorful.  His coach seems to really have his finger on the pulse of the team and wants the kid around.  And we all know Max Pacioretty loves playing with him.   I mean, when Desharnais is on his game, he's well worth it.  We've seen him set up great plays and center our best line for an entire season last year while putting up 60 points.  But we've also seen him disappear in the first 12 games of this season.  So we obviously won't be able to truly judge this deal for a little while.  Personally, it's not so much the 3.5M salary that bothers me but the 4 year term.  He's either gonna be a steal in those last 2 years or a Kaberle.  One thing for sure is that he will never give us a half-ass effort.  The guy has had to work his balls off to get here and I don't think he's gonna start sitting on his laurels out of nowhere.  Besides, he has no laurels.  He's laurel-free.  What he does have is the confidence of the 2 hockey minds driving this ship.  He also has a captain with a wealth of knowledge on what it takes for a dwarf to make it in this league.

Another major variable to consider when judging this move is the development of Lars Eller.  If he keeps progressing like he is, he will make Desharnais expendible.  And by then, his contract will either be an attractive asset to another team or an anchor.  We should know that 12 months from now when Eller will be up for a new deal.

I'm sure you've also heard that bizarro Desharnais, Jarred Tinordi, has been called up.  He and his 6'7" frame will get their first NHL start in Jersey tomorrow.  I think we're all curious as hell to see what he's become after some time in Hamilton.  He's definitely a big piece of our blue line puzzle.  Little known fact: It's the same Jarred that lost 500lbs on the Subway diet.

Also, I would like all of you to stop referring to David Desharnais as DD.  I think about tits enough as it is.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

Death, Taxes and Brendan Gallagher's balls

As we all know, there are 2 certainties in life, death and taxes.  Well I think we would all agree that we can add a 3rd.  Brendan Gallagher's enormous testicles.  This kid never ceases to amaze me.  Up by 3, down by 1...it doesn't matter.  This kid will dive head first into a Chara slap shot to win a game.  Never seen a guy be less scared of getting his head ripped off by guys twice his size.  Gotta love it.

On a personal note, I think I need to take a page from Brendan's book.  I, unlike him, have no balls.  Mid way through the 2nd period, my pregnant wife guilt tripped me into watching a movie.  She kindly asked I PVR the game and watch it after.  With the game heading in a direction I didn't like and it being Saturday night and all, I acquiesced.  Worst. Decision. Ever.  Not only did I have to watch that unexpected, in your face, ain't karma a bitch comeback 2 hours everybody else, but I had to sit through a French movie from 1997.  My house still smells like vomit.

Whatever, back to the game.  Man was it ever sweet to stick it to that team after they almost ruined our 3-0 game a few weeks back.  Although it's hard to be mad at them seeing as how that game was the first of 11 straight in which the Habs got a point.  Aah fuck it, they can kiss my ass.  Guy "I'm a Bond villain" Boucher looked none too pleased after his team stank it up in the 3rd.  TB (which at this point might as well mean tuberculosis) ain't looking good to make it to the post season.  What looked like a match made in Heaven with their shiny new head coach is now looking like disappointing year.

Now before we start getting too comfortable in first place, let's not forget a minor detail.  And by minor I mean huge.  Our beloved #8 went down hard last night.  Didn't look like much when it happened but you knew just looking at his face that he was in major pain.  Reminds me of HF4's face after he came back from Greece.  Prust doesn't embellish so we can only assume he'll miss a bit of time after that.  Hopefully his teammates learned a few things watching him play this year.  That means you Travis "I make my wife" Moen and Colby "stop calling me Lance" Armstrong.  Time to step up to the plate and fight Milan Lucic.  Just kidding, you'd get murdered.  But for the love of God go out there and kick a little more ass.

Next stop Sawgrass Mills.  I mean a meeting with the Florida Panthers.  Let's wrap up this trip by keeping our perfect record against the worst division in pro sports followed by great bargains at the outlet mall of course.

TLF