Sunday, March 31, 2013

Gallagher's balls reach new high, create twitter account and already have 199 followers. And Habs Shutout Rangers.

So I was gonna sing the praises once again of Mr. Gallagher's huge sack but apparently, his balls don't need me anymore.  They're going solo.  @GallyGonads is the official twitter account of the hottest celebrities in town.  The balls of one Brendan Gallagher.  The fucking balls have more followers than me.  Here they are now getting a breather during a game.




As for Saturday night, things didn't take long to get started when Michael Ryder scored 40 something seconds into the game.  That goal was a synopsis of the evening.  The Rangers looked like a deer in the headlights and nobody seemed to want to touch the puck.  After that, the Pleky blasted one by Biron and Mr. Brass Balls himself closed it out with a typical Gallagher goal 3 feet from the net.  That's the thing about Gally.  He plays the same EVERY game.  Every shift.  Sometimes he scores and sometimes he doesn't, but his ginormous balls are always in your face, suffocating you as you try and breathe.  Add to that a Carey Price on top of his game, and you have yourself a lovely 3-0 win over Torts and his band of Blue Shirts.  It also turned out to be the 4th straight shutout for Carey over the Rangers on Bell Center ice.  In other words, he fucking owns them.

This game also saw the return of Brandon Prust and the NHL debut of Mr. Nathan Bouillon.  At least that's what Cassie Campbell called him.  I'm sure his entire family was thrilled to have that moment ruined when she not only mangled the name, but confused him with another player.  Geez Cassie, it's not like his name was Natanievsky Barishnikov.  But the kid held his own.  17 minutes of ice time, took a couple of hits like a big boy and even got a shot on net.  Hopefully this kid could one day become part of a great 2nd pairing on the powerplay.

And last but not least, PK.  The guy is unstoppable.  3 more assists brings his season point total to 27 in 28 games.  1 point behind the league leaders Suter and Letang.  My money is on him passing them by the end of the year for the lead in goals and points.  He's a fucking point a game defenseman, playing against the other teams top lines, for almost 23 mins a game and leading the league in goals by a dman.  And did I mention he's 1 point back of his team's lead in scoring?  All this with no training camp and 6 missed games.  Something tells me signing him to a 5yr 25M deal would've started looking mighty cheap by now.

Big week coming up with 4 games on the docket.  A playoff spot should be all but clinched by the end of it.

TLF to all my peeps.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Back to business. After 2 days off, Habs hit the ice vs Torts' underacheivers

As the hangover from Wednesday's giant orgasm wears off, the Habs get back to business tonight as they welcome everybody's favorite sour puss, Mr. Tortorella himself.  Torts is, how can I put this, failing miserably at motivating his all star lineup.  A team that was pegged as a favorite in the East is tied for the final playoff spot with the Islanders.  That's right.  The team with Nash, Richards, Gaborik & Lundqvist, is tied with the team still paying Alexei Yashin.  4-5-1 in their last 10 games and coming off a shutout to the Ottawa farm team.  You would think this would be easy pickins, but that's what we thought about Buffalo and the Islanders.  The moral of the story, teams from the state of New York cannot be taken lightly.  Although they've struggled, the Rangers are capable of beating anybody on any given night with all that talent.  The Habs are going to have to do their thing.  A quick, fast paced game, stay out of the box (since their penalty kill is atrocious) and capitalize on the powerplay.  And if that doesn't work, just let Gallagher's enormous balls to all the work.

As for the lineup, couple of changes for tonight.  First and foremost, a gentleman by the name of Brandon Prust will most likely make his much anticipated return against his former team.  On defense, the Tomas Kaberle suicide watch continues as the coach trusts a 3rd different rookie to play in his spot.  Nathan Beaulieu gets a crack at the NHL and hopefully gets some PP time on the 2nd unit.

So Torts, enjoy the spring like weather today.  There's a shitstorm with your name on it on its way.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There's Something about Brendan. Habs defy logic, win 6-5 in shootout.

Readers of this blog are familiar with my views on Brendan Gallagher's balls and the sack in which they reside.  I've called them huge.  I've diagnosed him with massive ball syndrome.  I've said that if this keeps going, he may one day be a giant testicle with arms on skates.  Well, I think it's time to admit the truth.  The kid has been entirely consumed by gonad material. He's insane.  He seems to thrive in situation so pressure packed they would make ordinary humans retreat to the fetal position.

So let's review.  Habs unexpectedly go up 2-0.  Habs decide to play Yahtzee on the bench for the entire 2nd period.  Habs find themselves down 4-2.  Gallagher becomes a giant nut and scores 2 in the last 8 minutes of the game (*correction, game-tying goal credited to Markov. This is HF4 interfering with A-Rab's shit, have a good day everyone, I'm off now).  Habs win 6-5 in shootout.  Did I miss something?

Last night, they skated with the best team in the east.  Tonight, they beat the toughest.  I know it's just one game and that in a 7 game series, things might be different.  But tonight, they played their hearts out.  A real roller coaster from beginning to end.  But when the entire building thought they were dead, they dug deep and kicked the Bruins right in the groin.  A week that looked like it might turn to shit pretty fast is now very salvageable.

Lost in my jizz filled euphoria was the fact that Carey was pulled after two periods.  Clearly it was a move made as a wake up call to the team and not aimed at his performance.  The Marchand goal was a freak occurrence and the Bergeron and Horton goals were impossible to stop.   Sometimes, a coach has to pull a move like that to get inside the heads of his guys.  And like so many times this year, Therrien has proved that he knows what makes them tick.

After getting beat in their own building by the embellishers, things will surely change.  By tomorrow, Boston will probably be the new home of Jarome Vaginla.  He will have hand picked his destination.  So Beantown, get ready for a dogfight.  We're in first place and we like it here.

TripleLowFive   MOTHAFUCKAS!!!!

Stanley Cup Half Full and a Mea Culpa to Jewish Mothers

So the Habs have just lost back to back games in regulation time for the first time this season. It's a freaking disaster totally reasonable outcome in the lifespan of a season.

By all accounts, and by this I mean mine, the Canadiens played a better 60 minutes than the Penguins last night. By all accounts, (hi there, me again) the fact that they did so on the road is even more impressive.

I look at last night's game as part 1 of a 2-part act. Tonight's game against the Bruins is the conclusion of what was an important measuring stick for this unproven squad. If the Habs come out of Boston with a win, they head back home with added confidence. An acceptable loss in Pittsburgh and a win in Boston -an excellent split. If they lose in Boston, it still serves a as a useful reference. It exhibits what's left to improve, what holes need to be filled and what size Jarome Iginla's jersey needs to be. Dream on.

It's interesting to see what that 7-6 game meant to both teams. It was fun but it was unacceptable. The Pens learned a lesson from it and toned down the offence in favour of stingy checking, and the Habs learned that they could play firewagon hockey - but that it was best no to. They can match the Penguins at at 7-6 or 1-0 game with zero complex.

Now for the Bruins. It's going to be a hell of a hockey game. Whatever the outcome, this is THE game of the regular season - and I think both teams just want to come out of it even. Nobody's going to school anyone, at least that's what the plan is. Don't let it be a statement game. Just play your game. And if it is going to be a statement game, make it your statement.

On a personal note, I have to say that not having a playoff game interfere with a Passover Seder a Passover Seder interfere with a playoff game was a welcome situation. No stress at the table, no mom who spent the week cooking waiting for her 17 male family members to unglue themselves from the TV to actually eat the food she slaved over. The lockout was, by design, an apology to Jewish mothers. That's why the players held out so long. To make amends with Jewish mothers.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Habs prepare for a defining 24 hours. Paging Jack Bauer.

In 29 hours, the Canadiens season may look quite different than it does today.  As of right now, the Habs are a good team.  Solid from top to bottom.  But all the experts will tell you that they are not top tier.  And it's hard to argue.  The Pens have won 12 straight.  The Bruins, although struggling lately, have the confidence of having gone all the way less than 2 years ago.  The Habs are the new kid on the block.  And they're coming off a horrible season.  So it's normal they don't get the benefit of the doubt 31 games into a 48 game mini season.  But in 29 hours, that could all change.  If they beat these 2 teams, on the road, on back to back nights, the collective ball sack of this group will grow exponentially.  Well, except for Brendan Gallagher.  This blog has often discussed this kid's larger than life balls.  If they get any bigger, Dr. Mulder will need to be brought in for ball reduction surgery.  He'll need a ballectomy.  So Gallagher aside, the team will will have a super sized scrotum.

But the Pittsburgh game has many side stories.  They will be welcoming 2 new acquisitions in Morrow and Murray, not to mention the small detail of a 12 game winning streak.  And just to add a little spice, Therrien will be coaching in Pittsburgh for the first time since being fired the year they won the cup.  Man that's gotta suck.

Shero: Michel, you're out.  The guy aren't responding to your methods anymore.

Therrien: Common Ray, don't listen to dem.  Dey need to be push.

Shero: You're done.  Disco Dan is in.

Therrien: Fuck you asshole.  Your team is nothing but a bunch of crybabies.  You'll never win a cup without me.  If you meet the Red Wings in the finals, they'll destroy you.  Malkin will crumble under the pressure and Fleury can't make the big save when it counts. You'll see.  Can you validate my parking?

Montreal will also welcome Mr. Passover himself Jeff Halpern back to the lineup after his 2 year pilgrimage to synagogues in DC and Manhattan. And if this challenge isn't daunting enough, They'll fly to Boston immediately after for a rendez-vous with the Bruins on Wednesday.

Needless to say, if they win these two games, the Eastern conference will be a 3 headed monster.  Well one of them will be a penis head, but you get the idea.


Really Jarome?

Rumor has it that Jarome Iginla has given a list of 4 teams he would agree to be traded to.  On that list are the Penguins, Bruins, Blackhawks and Kings.  Really Jarome?  That's it?  Well the Pens made their moves, so you can scratch them off your list.  No love for the #2 team in the east?  No love for the team that is looking for a skilled, gritty power forward that could make it as good a contender as any? Are you not aware we also have a black guy on our team?  A strip club at every corner?  Besides, All those other teams already won a cup.  They can't win another one for at least 6 years as per the new CBA.  So get your head out of your ass and add us to that list.  We're willing to give up Kaberle and/or Weber and/or Blunden.  We would've given up more but we're afraid that the Quebec market will not understand why you spell your name with an A.  But if you come and we win it all, I'm willing to bet that a small town north of Laval will soon be called St-Jarome.  Go to Boston and forever be known as Jarome Vaginla.  No disrespect to Vaginas, but they have a hard time gripping their sticks when they get wet.  Your call.

In other news, the Leafs are Syphilis.

Monday, March 25, 2013

PK for Passover



We've done this before.

Here and here.

We are told that divine intervention altered Carey Price's career like no other phenomenon could.

Lately, we have felt that PK could use a little guidance, like young Carey did, back in the day. So we called up the big Man himself (or Big Woman if you are of the persuasion) and had a meeting set up at Hurley's on Crescent.

Happy Passover everyone. Enjoy the constipation.

PK arrives at Hurleys:

PK - Hi - I have a reservation for 2. I'm meeting someone. He may have arrived. About 6'3, 220. Long flowing hair, heavy grey beard. Cane, not sure but he may have a limp, which explains the cane.

Waitress: Sorry, your guy hasn't arrived. You can wait at any table. Where do you want to sit?

PK: Doesn't matter - maybe try to avoid sitting me next to a metallic object or anything that is conducive to lightning.

Waitress: Your teamate Alexei Emelin is here - wanna wait at his table?

PK: Hell no! Emelin's got a metal plate in his head. That shit can bounce lightning off me in a flash.  Sit me the fuck away from Emelin.

Waitress: What's with this lightning thing? Is this a weird phobia?

PK: God no! Oh shit, I take that back.

Waitress: Just sit in the corner PK and I'll bring your friend over when he gets here.

Rumbling sound is heard.....tremor is felt throughout the establishment

Lord:  Pernell Karl. Reveal yourself!

PK: I'm right here!

Lord: I know, i just get a kick out of saying that EVERY TIME.

PK: Where are you? I can't see you. I can hear you but I can't see you.

Lord: Where am I? You call yourself a top-6 defenceman? That's the point Pernell Karl, you gotta know where people are at all times WITHOUT seeing them. You think I gave people eyes for sight? No, no, Pernell Karl, I gave people eyes to draw attention away from their noses. I'm not satisfied with the nose, it wasn't my best creation. Could never get the patent right. The design is flawed.

PK: I understand.

Lord: Do you really, Pernell Karl? Do you? Cause by the looks of things, you say you understand, but you don't really. Your head's all like "yeah, I dig it" but your brain's all like "fuck that shit, I don't get it".

PK: What are you trying to say?

Lord: You need some guidance, Pernell Karl, for the love of Me. You need to follow some simple rules. 10 of them, and they need to be sacred.

PK: I'm all ears.

Lord: Now the ears I'm proud of. That's a complex body part. Layered.

PK: Mine are funny looking.

Lord: Take that back.

PK: I take it back.

Lord: 10 rules Pernell Karl.

1 - THOU SHALL NOT HOP LIKE A JEWISH GRASSHOPPER DURING THAT COLDPLAY SONG BEFORE HITTING THE ICE. It's a distraction and gives Desharnais whiplash.

2 - THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO PLASTER EVERY MOVING PLAYER ON THE ICE WITH THE HIT TO END ALL HITS.

3 - THOU SHALL DO THE TRIPLE LOW FIVE. JUST DO IT.

4- THOU SHALL HOLD OUT IN 2015. YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR FAMILY, PERNELL KARL. THOU MUST FEED THOU'S FAMILY. THIS IS WHAT I TOLD LATRELL SPREWELL. I TOLD HIM TO WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND THE SITUATION. BLING BLING, PERNELL KARL - AND I DON'T MEAN CHURCH BELLS RINGING.

5 - THOU SHALL CALL HAL GILL AND MAKE AMENDS FOR THE ENDLESS BABYSITTING THOU MADE HIM DO. Actually, scratch that, he needed the practice for Sergei Kostitsyn, who I would have left in the hay to be raised by cows if he were my son.

6- THOU SHALL BE GENTLE WITH THOU'S BROTHER IN BOSTON. JUST KIDDING! I KILL ME. NO, SERIOUSLY, THOU SHALL ALWAYS HIT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. ARE YOU KIIIIDDDING ME!! ARE YOU FOR REAL? WHERE DO I COME UP WITH THESE?! THAT'S 6-DAY QUALITY RIGHT THERE.

7- THOU SHALL INVEST HALF OF NEXT SEASON'S PAYCHECK IN A PRIVATE EQUITY FUND CALLED PKIST FINANCIAL. THOU SHALL NOT ASK QUESTIONS. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

8- THOU SHALL ACCEPT CIRCUMCISION AS A RIGHT OF PASSAGE AND IN HOMAGE TO MAX PACIORETTY, THOU SHALL GO THROUGH CIRCUMCISION DURING TV TIME-OUT OF RANGERS GAME ON SATURDAY AND NOT MISS A SHIFT.

9- THOU SHALL NOT PLAY HOCKEY ON SATURDAYS. NO, DAMN YOU'RE DOING SNIPPY SNIP ON SATURDAY....OK WEDNESDAY - SNIPPY SNIP ON WEDNESDAY.

10- THOU SHALL PASSOVER THE PENGUINS IN THE STANDINGS.

PK: That's it? Those are the rules?

LORD: Those are the rules. I like you, Pernell Karl. You remind me of my nephew who performed for my son's 33rd birthday party. In fact, Pernell Karl, what you don't know is that you are descendant of this great man. My nephew's bloodline extends through generations and generations...to you. Lets watch it together:





Sunday, March 24, 2013

Habs lose to Sabres again. Therrien on hot seat (he actually has a heated toilet bowl)

The Habs finished their week 1-1-1 after dropping another game to the Buffalo Sabres.  There are two ways to look at their performance this week.

1) The Habs lost 2 games to the Sabres that they mostly dominated.  You can't win 'em all.

2) Habs lost 2 out of 3 to teams out of the playoffs and Therrien should be fired and lapidated by an angry suicidal mob.

Somehow, PK finds himself at the center of all story lines with this team.  On Tuesday, he took the bad penalty that resulted in the game winning OT goal.  On Thursday, he responded by dominating the Islanders. Litterally, he wore leather and sodomized them in their dressing room during post game interviews.  And then last night he took a delay of game penalty that messed everything up.  Not sure if there was a definitive replay that showed if it was warranted, but his reaction seemed that he was genuinely shocked that nobody saw it hit the glass on its way out.  But, what's done is done.  1-1-1.

We all know it sucks to lose, but it's way easier to lose in games you showed up in and played well.  The team might just be showing signs that the injuries are catching up a little.  The unfortunate part is that we could've used this week to bank points ahead of a much harder 7 days.  Pens/Bruins in back to back road games and another date with grumpy old man Tortellini.  Would've been nice to get 5 out of 6 points before heading into that.  But as our beloved team has shown us, they always show up against the top teams.

They'll have some help for this daunting task.  50 goal (I mean year-old) man Jeff Halpern will make his 2nd appearance in a Canadiens uniform.  He'll bring a little depth and some welcome help in the face-off circle.  But other than that, this team will have to continue to find a way to win until Prust, Bourque and Diaz get back.  I don't see Rainbow Socks making any earth shattering moves.

I'll be on the Week in Review show on www.montrealhockeytalk.com with Ted Bird and Dave Kellerman in about an hour.  Go listen to the show.  Then follow me on twitter @AlexRabbat.  Then pick up my Dry cleaning.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Gallagher Quits Team Over Goal Dispute and Boredom Brought on by Listless Placental Mammals



No he doesn't.

Ok, so we spent the evening last night over at Montreal Hockey Talk debating whether last night's win over the Islanders was important for the team's psyche.

I thought the game meant very little. I was alone in thinking this. I felt isolated. Cold. Rejected. Corey thought the game could have created a tailspin with a loss in Long Island and two potential back to back losses to the Pens and Bruins.

Nick Murdocco and Coach K believed it could play with the team's morale. Steph Darwish leaned more towards my beliefs but a full conversion would have implied a change to Judaism and she resisted at the thought.

The game, however nice the win was, meant absolutely nothing. It wasn't going to affect the team in the playoffs - they weren't going to face a game 7 in Boston with a nagging "shit, we couldn't beat the Islanders" pecking their minds.

Another loss to NYI would have just been par for the course - an anomaly in an otherwise perfect season. So what, they couldn't beat the Isles, couldn't get up for a game against the league's least charismatic franchise- I mean we're talking the charisma of an armadillo. A dead armadillo.

But the boys didn't have to make it a debate after all because after a slow start, the Canadiens just took the game away from the Islanders and created the score that restored common sense in the universe. Gallagher's balls were as bouncy as ever and PK continued to make a strong case for the Norris and a cameo in the next Modern Family. He is a modern hockey player. It's a fit. Stop arguing with me.

The Habs have won 20 out of 30. 20 out of 30. And yet they still face the possibility of finishing 4th. It's the kind of season it's been. Crazy streaks with teams zeroing in on opposition faced over and over in this abridged season. Believe my friends, believe. This team will make spring and the early summer memorable - either in the shape of a deep run or a huge flameout. Bet on the former.

Tomorrow is the last game of what has been an easy 2-week stretch in both opposition and time between games.

As of March 26 in Pittsburgh, it's a new chapter in a more condensed, more difficult schedule. And a back to back Pens-Bos was more than enjoyable last time so we look forward to the week ahead.

Nice to finally leave the armadillos behind.

*thank our amazing Golden Girl for the pic.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Habs visit bizarro world, a dimension where Dennis Rodman is Secretary General of the United Nations and the Islanders are better than them.

Tonight the Habs are Long Island to play a team that for some reason gives them a lot of trouble.  On Paper, it doesn't make any sense.  It's like Denzel taking Precious on 3 dates and not scoring.  Like GSP losing to Richard Simmons.  Twice.  Why the hell is this team giving us so much trouble?  I mean when we lose to Toronto, I can understand it a bit more.  They're a harder team to play against and have a bunch of guys who can fight.  But aside from Tavares and Geoff's nephew Matt Moulson, they're pretty thin.  And tonight, speedy winger Michael Grabner ain't playing.  This is a team that still has Alexei Yashin on the payroll.  That's how well managed they are.  I mean look at the moves they made over the years

Trading Chris Osgood and a 3rd rounder for Justin Papineau and Jeremy Colliton

Trading Bryan McCabe and Tood Bertuzzi for Jarko Ruutu and Trevor Linden

Picking Rick DiPietro first overall.  Not because it turned out to be a mistake, because they already had another Italian goalie in Roberto Luongo.  And they traded him and Olli Jokinen for Mark Parrish and Oleg Kvashit.

Signing Yashin to a 29 year 6 billion dollar deal that they will be paying off until 2015.  And who did they give up for this privilege?  Some guy called Zdeno Chara and another loser by the name of Jason Spezza.

Milbury the human brain fart was obviously voted off the island after his disastrous tenure and NBC thought he would be a credible source of hockey analysis.

But if those moves were made here in Montreal, Milbury would have been murdered.  Not crime of passion murdered.  I'm talking premeditated mid evil shit.  Some guy would've abducted him and skinned him alive while forcing him to watch a Honey Boo Boo marathon in Swahili with a naked Pauline Marois.

Let's hope our boys can restore balance in the universe and get back to their winning ways.  Dropping  this game would make it impossible to salvage what was supposed to be an easy week.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

LIFE OF PK


I can't believe my story went straight to DVD.

I mean, my whole life, I've been happy, content, and then in a split second, on a Carnival cruise last month, my life became a living hell.

Something happened on the ship. The boat hit a wave and the tilt disconnected the cable service. No Netflix, no WI-FI. A nightmare by anyone's standards. I did what any sensible human being would do. I threw myself off the boat and swam for dear life.

But I wasn't alone. Like the Bruins that have tormented my soul since I entered the league, a bear who too could not tolerate the inhumane conditions on the ship also jumped off in the hopes of a better fate. Those damn Bruins. Here I am tearing up their goalies and what do they do? They draft my brother Malcolm. What am I supposed to do now? Make mama cry?

Anyways, some helpless internet-less soul on the boat probably witnessed the situation unravel because before I knew it, the bear and I were both making for a lifeboat that had been tossed over.

"Richard Park! Swim Richard Park, you can do it Richard Park!"Crap! I just invited a full grown bear on a lifeboat with me! What was I thinking?!??

Richard Park was an enormous beast, - a famous bear from the Boston Zoo - and all his presence did was constantly remind me of Zdeno Chara. What luck. For days, I refused to leave the tarpaulin in the hopes that I could outlast Richard Park, my Asian bear, but alas, the will of Richard Park was strong.

How could I defeat the bear?! I could barely outlast the Bruins and this was just a re-enactment of my failed fortunes. I figured it out though. By my calculations, we would be rescued in 7 days. The "What to do if you're a shipwrecked professional hockey player" manual in the boat came in very handy. A person needs to drink 4 days out of 7 if he is to survive. Drinking for 3 days during this period will be fatal.

Simple.

Richard Park would not deny me my fluids, nor my intake of raw fish. Man can't live without his sushi. It was a gruelling task, trying to tame the bear for seven days. Most days, I felt he wasn't even that thirsty, I personally felt he was embellishing. He looked hydrated to me.

Whining, whining, whining, that's all Richard Park would do. And then one day he had had enough and tried to break my head across the bow. Totally against castaway rules. "No, Richard Park! This is my boat! This is my head! You will not claw me to my death! Do you hear me Richard Park! Do you hear me you ugly bear!!!"

Richard Park was not amused. I knew that this bear would go to the extent of his convictions. A few years back, Richard Park had been invited with the rest of his zoo-mates to the Whitehouse to put on a show for Sasha's birthday (or was it Malia...). Richard Park refused. The animals all put on a great circus act but Richard Park stayed home, protesting the President's treatment of Asian bears and Asian actors in Judd Apatow comedies. He posted his views all over Facebear.

Richard Park was a serious creature. But I found ways to defy the odds and I drank my ration of fluids 4 days out of 7.

But it took 7 days. And I was running out of tricks.

On the seventh day, with a few seconds left before sundown, I had to do something. Time was running out. And that's when I caught a glimpse of the strangest thing. This enormous bear, for all his massive girth had the tiniest penis. "Richard Park! Your penis is so small! Look at your little bear penis, Richard Park! Look at those little balls!" Richard Park didn't like that at all. It agitated him. He protested more than ever before. So I decided to pull out the all-important penis measuring rule from the castaway playbook. I measured Richard Park's penis. It was indeed tiny by bear standards. The bear knew it. I knew it. Richard Park was defeated. He threw himself off the lifeboat.

The story of my survival is a harrowing tale. But a bear with penis envy is condemned to a life that makes a Carnival cruise seem like a ...(how the hell do you even finish that sentence...)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Why TSN 690 Means So Much


Petitions sometimes have this heavy draining effect on people. They illicit the weary "what do you want now?" response out of the best of us. They solicit your time, energy, attention, empathy and sometimes your money.

Good causes. They're everywhere. So many of them totally legitimate, important. Questions of race, equality, justice, democracy, fairness, human kindness  - all adorn the patterns of our charitable minds.

But how do you choose what to attach yourself to? It may boil down to a combination of objective need and subjective want.

Objective needs figure prominently when a collection of people have no real choice but to work together for the sake of a common plight where basic needs are threatened.

Subjective wants will stir one into action when one's personal sense of enjoyment and entitlement is compromised.

TSN690 does nothing to save the world, its disappearance would have no impact whatsoever on our fundamental human needs - so why is it so important to save TSN690?

Because what TSN690 does is enjoyable, it's community driven and it's unique. It's us.

The campaign to save TSN690 will never compete with the ones that call for an end to child soldiers or famine. But petitions and causes don't all have to drive such all-encmpassing messages. Some just need to speak to your heart. Measuring their plight with that of larger banner movements is to deflect and trivialize a debate that warrants Montrealers' time and energy.

TSN690 speaks to my heart. Quite literally it speaks, and expresses, and conveys, and, in doing so, it has so much to say.

It speaks the language of sports, an undying articulation of family, hope and commitment for so many in this city. Montreal moves. It skates to defy the punishment of the cold, it skis to escape it, it jumps, it shoots, it bats, it chants, it kicks. It does it all in every pocket of every neighbourhood. It plants flags on cars and wears team colours we love. It does so everywhere.

It speaks in the tones of Montreal, a vibrant and emotionally connected city, abundant in opinion, charisma and devotion.

It speaks of the Montreal Canadiens who in large part are enmeshed in our sentimental core - the Habs win and we celebrate, and they lose and we hurt. And TSN690 is there every day to tell the story of this ceremonially sentimental narrative.

It spoke of the Montreal Expos through Elliott Price and Mitch Melnick's incomparable love of the game. We know that as journalists they are called to restrain their affection for a team, but Mitch and Elliott's love of baseball cut through every broadcast with honest dedication to a sport that is so elegantly poetic it continues to make the void it leaves in this city uncomfortable.  Mitch's mourning of the Expos stands as one of the most wrenching testimonies of love and loss I've seen a journalist convey on a public platform. He expressed it so truthfully that we weren't only sad for us. We were sad for him.

It speaks English....It speaks English. The better half and enduring companion of la francophonie montréalaise. It speaks English, all by itself, alone in its complete dedication to sports in Montreal. It echoes English Montreal's dedication to defining who Montreal is and what it wants to be - a gorgeous example of everything that is right about the dance of both solitudes. TSN690 speaks more elegantly than anyone else to the incredible combinations that comprise Montreal.

Montreal, resilient. Montreal often attacked by those who wish to see it speak differently, look differently. But Montreal stands there (as Red Fisher would say) and refuses to compromise.

TSN690 is Montreal. And to save TSN690 is to rescue a portion of Montreal's soul.

I have come to know many people at the station, from Manager Wayne Bews to the interns that have helped shape so many shows that have aired. These are good people.

In 2004, Mitch Melnick received one of many emails he gets in a day and took the time to answer a young lawyer who loved sports and journalism more than anyone can convey. I just wanted to be part of the conversation. Mitch helped create the Legal Minute at the TEAM990 with the morning crew of Casavant Price and Starr. It wasn't my best work and I found it extremely difficult to create the right content while working difficult hours for a large firm. But it was a first and it marked a start.

It has led me to my work with Four Habs Fans, the Gazette and, today, some guest work on TSN690, Montreal Hockey Talk and our blog, the PK'ists. If my story truly began with my mother and father cheering on the Habs in the 70's with an impressionable toddler by their side, it found its first, more cohesive and credible outlet with the TEAM990. And on I went.

It has allowed me to meet colourful and hard working individuals who have made an undeniable mark on this city. Tony Marinaro beats to the pulse of Montreal's various loves and he does it with confidence and flair. Mitch Melnick so intelligently weaves music into the conversation to remind us on a daily basis that if Montreal loves its hockey, it's not at the expense of its love affair with music. Price, Starr, always an easy way to begin a day - always making you feel as if you're simply eavesdropping. The Franchise, light and entertaining and happy to be there with us on the weekends.

And most recently Ted Bird, a man I have tremendous respect for. Because of his respect for the craft, for what makes journalism so essentially important. His command of both language and common sense make for one of the most balanced exposés you will hear in this city. His loyalty to the core values of the business, that alone can serve as his legacy with more eloquence than the words he expresses and that have accompanied us to work for so many years.

So many good people at TSN690 doing so much. There is no reason, be it in law, in pure logic or in brute business terms for this outlet to vanish.

TSN690 stands alone, uncompromising in who it wants to be. Is that not exactly what Montreal is all about?

Save TSN690.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sunday Master: Jarred Tinordi

When I think of the name Tinordi I think of the Dallas Star who sacrificed his leg on the altar of the icing debate.

I think of a hulking defenceman who brought more than size to his team - his frame also carried some excellent hockey IQ.

It bodes well that Mark Tinordi's bloodline is extended through his son, Jarred, who plays the same position with the same poise, leadership and fierce sense of compete his father once did.

And last night, Jared did it in the NHL, for the first time ever.

So on a day when Pope Francis conducted his first ever Sunday Mass, we introduce the Sunday Master, a new feature that will probably last a week and fall into oblivion. But for now, the celebrant of our Sunday Jewish Mass is the young Tinordi who along with his fellow Canadiens, came into Jersey on a mission and left the town of the Shore with 2 points in hand. And out of place, never did he look. (is that syntax correct?...never out of place did he not...not ever out of place did he....huh...)

I like this Tinordi, and I think I'll like him as much as I enjoyed his dad. He hit, he skated, and for a few moments there it appeared as if he had scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game. That is until it became clear Tomas Plekanec had tipped Tinordi's shot from the point passed a helpless Hedberg.

Pause. How the heck did Hedberg get to 39 so fast? That's as weird as hearing that Macaulay Culkin is faring well in his retirement home after recovering from hip replacement surgery.

Anyways, with Hedberg and Brodeur as the tandem in goal for the Devils, one has to wonder if Kirk Douglas won't be called up in case one of the two goes down with an injury.

These Habs have gone a near quarter of a normal calendar with one loss in regulation time. It's an astounding feat. And it looks legitimate. The previous editions of the Habs would start to falter around Christmas time then have to rely on a strong surge to make it into 8th. What would indicate that this fate awaits these Habs. No player is really playing in over his head. It's the same old 70-point pace we've been accustomed to for any top scorer on this team. Defence is what this team is about and a balanced attack is where it surprises. They can score and they can stop you from scoring. In my book, that's a fairly decent combination.

Another easy week awaits, in theory.

And in theory, contraception, abortion, homosexual marriage and generally liberal thought should all be afforded the gifts of tolerance and understanding. That's why I like our Francis, #55, way better than theirs, #266.

And all of you looking for a miracle from the Vatican should look no further than Colby Armstrong getting his first as a Hab. In spiritus santa maria from heaven, it's about fucking time.

Extra-Tinordinary: Giant man-child sets up winner as Habs keep on rolling. But more importantly we were on the TSN 690 pregame show.

In his first NHL game as professional pro who plays in the NHL, Jarred Tinordi put forward a solid effort, not to mention having his slap shot redirected by Pleky for the winner.  Add a +2 and nearly 15 minutes of ice-time and you have yourself a pretty decent debut.  But let's be real.  Unless there are more injuries or the kid plays in such a way that he forces Therrien's hand, this is probably just an audition for next year.  I don't see him replacing Diaz in the long run and there's no point in him sitting in the stands when we have a perfectly good Kaberle who's great at watching from the press box.  I'll get back to Kaberle in a second.

I just wanted to touch on Carey's performance.  The guy has been taking some heat lately for not playing his best.  I'll admit he's let in a few softees in the last couple of games, but when you look around the NHL, all the supposedly elite goalies have been having trouble at some point during the season.  But last night, in the last 10 minutes of the game, he was awesome.  Every puck seemed to hit him, he was never out of position and didn't give any sloppy rebounds.  And like I mentioned on the TSN pregame show with Ted Bird yesterday, if the Habs keep winning during Carey's tough stretch, they'll be that much better when he gets back into his groove.  I'm not one to brag about being on radio, but I was fucking awesome on radio yesterday.  Did I mention that?  That I was awesome?  Well I was.

Now back to the red cheek freak, Tomas Kaberle.  I equate him to a flaming bag of dog feces left at the doorstep of Marc Bergevin by his predecessor Mr. Gauthier.  We'd be free and clear of Spacek by now if it wasn't for that useless trade.  But alas we are stuck with him, so I might as well make the most of it and ridicule him while I can.  Can you imagine the conversation between Therrien and Tomas?  Well I can.

Tomas: Hey coach, I'm getting bed soars from not playing since 1989.  Think I can get in there sometime this month?

Therrien: I told you Tommy, I get you in der da second it possible.

Tomas: But you called up that kid Pateryn before letting me play.  WTF?

Therrien: Ben oui yé ben meilleur que toi.  Pi yé beau bon pas cher.

Tomas: Gazuntite

Therrien: Tomas, I try to be nice wit you, but i tink I tell you la vérité.  T'es poche.  Dat mean you suck in french.  So here da deal.  We give you $4,000,000 and you play wit your balls.

Tomas: Comon coach, I still have a lot to give.

Therrien: Da only ting you have to give is syphilis.  It's over Tomas.  Even if tree guy go down with broken leg tomorrow, I gonna call up Beaulieu and tell JJ and Gallant to suit up.

Tomas: You're funny coach.  Is this one of your mind games to keep me ready for the moment you need me?  You can't possibly think that of me.

Therrien:  Sort de mon bureau ostie d'imbécile.

Tomas: Thanks coach!  I won't let you down.


TripleLowFiveStraightWins!

 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Pope Francis' first order of business: Habs must defeat Devils

It's been a big week for Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Ron Francis.  I mean Pope Francis.  On March 13th he became the 4th leading scorer in NHL history.  I mean the 266th pope of the Catholic Church.  As an Argentinian, he is the first pope from outside Europe in almost 1300 years.  If Don Cherry heard how Europeans dominated the papacy for 1300+ years, he'd faint.  Everybody knows European popes don't like going into the corners and getting dirty... unless there's an altar boy in there... but I digress.

As he stood in front of hundreds of thousands of pilgrims who came to see him utter his first words as leader of the church, he looked into their eyes and said (please note this is a loose translation as my latin is quite rusty):

- My friends, next Saturday, we visit the Devils.

As the crowd started to panic, he clarified:

Relax you Jesus freaks!  I meant we're going to Jersey to "play" the Devils.  Jesus Christ are you guys ever sensitive!  The Habs are on a tear.  4 straight wins and we've gotten a point in 15 of our last 16.  Fucking Islanders came out of nowhere that night. But the Pens and Bruins are right up our asses.  And speaking of pens in asses, isn't Miguel the best altar boy you've ever seen??

Now, we really need to take it to the Devils.  We can't show any mercy whatsoever.  Having the killer instinct is what we've been lacking.  When we feel our opponent is weak, we really need to finish them off and step on their throat.  Can I get an Amen?!?!  We really need to look to this team and come together as human beings.  Canadians, African-Americans, Native-Americans, Europeans... they all work together over there and they went from last to first place!  Surely we can get through this pedophile thingy... right?

Best.  Pope. Ever.

On a personal note, I'm shedding my pen name of Don's Cherries.  I feel this name has done all it can for me.  Comparing yourself to the testicles of a 79 year-old man can only take you so far in life.  As my new name, I'm taking a page from other like minded celebrity geniuses.  J-Lo, A-Rod, Cu-Jo, D-Wade, and now...

A-Rab

Friday, March 15, 2013

David & Goliath. New deal for Desharnais, Tinordi gets his shot

Earlier today, Marc Bergevin signed David Desharnais to a 4yr/$14M contract.  On any other day, I would say this is too much money and too much term for the Gary Coleman of the NHL.  But I guess I have no choice but to give our GM the benefit of the doubt.  His team is in first place.  His socks are extra colorful.  His coach seems to really have his finger on the pulse of the team and wants the kid around.  And we all know Max Pacioretty loves playing with him.   I mean, when Desharnais is on his game, he's well worth it.  We've seen him set up great plays and center our best line for an entire season last year while putting up 60 points.  But we've also seen him disappear in the first 12 games of this season.  So we obviously won't be able to truly judge this deal for a little while.  Personally, it's not so much the 3.5M salary that bothers me but the 4 year term.  He's either gonna be a steal in those last 2 years or a Kaberle.  One thing for sure is that he will never give us a half-ass effort.  The guy has had to work his balls off to get here and I don't think he's gonna start sitting on his laurels out of nowhere.  Besides, he has no laurels.  He's laurel-free.  What he does have is the confidence of the 2 hockey minds driving this ship.  He also has a captain with a wealth of knowledge on what it takes for a dwarf to make it in this league.

Another major variable to consider when judging this move is the development of Lars Eller.  If he keeps progressing like he is, he will make Desharnais expendible.  And by then, his contract will either be an attractive asset to another team or an anchor.  We should know that 12 months from now when Eller will be up for a new deal.

I'm sure you've also heard that bizarro Desharnais, Jarred Tinordi, has been called up.  He and his 6'7" frame will get their first NHL start in Jersey tomorrow.  I think we're all curious as hell to see what he's become after some time in Hamilton.  He's definitely a big piece of our blue line puzzle.  Little known fact: It's the same Jarred that lost 500lbs on the Subway diet.

Also, I would like all of you to stop referring to David Desharnais as DD.  I think about tits enough as it is.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

Death, Taxes and Brendan Gallagher's balls

As we all know, there are 2 certainties in life, death and taxes.  Well I think we would all agree that we can add a 3rd.  Brendan Gallagher's enormous testicles.  This kid never ceases to amaze me.  Up by 3, down by 1...it doesn't matter.  This kid will dive head first into a Chara slap shot to win a game.  Never seen a guy be less scared of getting his head ripped off by guys twice his size.  Gotta love it.

On a personal note, I think I need to take a page from Brendan's book.  I, unlike him, have no balls.  Mid way through the 2nd period, my pregnant wife guilt tripped me into watching a movie.  She kindly asked I PVR the game and watch it after.  With the game heading in a direction I didn't like and it being Saturday night and all, I acquiesced.  Worst. Decision. Ever.  Not only did I have to watch that unexpected, in your face, ain't karma a bitch comeback 2 hours everybody else, but I had to sit through a French movie from 1997.  My house still smells like vomit.

Whatever, back to the game.  Man was it ever sweet to stick it to that team after they almost ruined our 3-0 game a few weeks back.  Although it's hard to be mad at them seeing as how that game was the first of 11 straight in which the Habs got a point.  Aah fuck it, they can kiss my ass.  Guy "I'm a Bond villain" Boucher looked none too pleased after his team stank it up in the 3rd.  TB (which at this point might as well mean tuberculosis) ain't looking good to make it to the post season.  What looked like a match made in Heaven with their shiny new head coach is now looking like disappointing year.

Now before we start getting too comfortable in first place, let's not forget a minor detail.  And by minor I mean huge.  Our beloved #8 went down hard last night.  Didn't look like much when it happened but you knew just looking at his face that he was in major pain.  Reminds me of HF4's face after he came back from Greece.  Prust doesn't embellish so we can only assume he'll miss a bit of time after that.  Hopefully his teammates learned a few things watching him play this year.  That means you Travis "I make my wife" Moen and Colby "stop calling me Lance" Armstrong.  Time to step up to the plate and fight Milan Lucic.  Just kidding, you'd get murdered.  But for the love of God go out there and kick a little more ass.

Next stop Sawgrass Mills.  I mean a meeting with the Florida Panthers.  Let's wrap up this trip by keeping our perfect record against the worst division in pro sports followed by great bargains at the outlet mall of course.

TLF

Breaking News: Blackhawks Distraught by Death of Hugo Chavez

End streak and lose to Avalanche.

Hasta luego Il Presidente.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Apricots, skim milk and failed attempts at ventriloquism. But the Habs win!

As I watched hundreds of Habs fans panic and assume Carey Price is washed up, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he came out and stole a game after his 2 consecutive mediocre performances. Well I didn't have to wonder very long.  In grand bandwagon jumper style, they all hopped back on as if they never left.  The Habs came out swinging last night in Raleigh.  The team was on fire and Somebody forgot to tell Brandon Prust than he's a plumber, not Denis Savard.  Where the hell did that pass come from??  It was all going so well after 20 mins.  And then, feces.  All over the place.  The Canes became the Red Army and peppered Carey with 21 shots.  Granted that 2nd goal was a bit of a softee, but let's not kid ourselves.  Odd man rushes, defensive zone breakdowns and 3 penalties (one of which was a penalty shot by their best player).  All in a day's work for Carey.  Without him, the game would've been out of reach by the 2nd intermission.  A lesser team could have packed it in after than, but the boys put forward a very solid road period, packed up the 2 points and headed to Florida.  Nothing fancy, nothing exciting.  2 quick goals on 6 shots and let's get on the plane.  By the end of it, we were out shot 43-28 and Carey basically stood tall and gave us the W.  So to all you Carey detractors out there, you can kiss his cowboy ass.  And did you guys see that shot by PK?  Neither did their goalie.

Unfortunately, it's not all peaches and cream.  We also had apricots (Ryder was invisible 48hrs after his 3 point night) and skim milk (Weber was less than stellar).  But what can we expect from this kid.  They sit him for 20 games and expect him to hit the ground running (skating)?  Poor kid never had a chance.  And now he injured his lower body.  He went to the lower body doctor and they told him to take it easy on his lower body for a while.  "Here are some lower body pills, take 2 and call me in the morning"

Off to the Sunshine state.  Our last visit kicked off 11 straight games with at least a point.  Anything less than that will be deemed a colossal failure.  Like my attempted career in ventriloquism.

And I leave you with this.  This is who we beat last night.  A team of these.  The Hurrycanes.



TLF mofos.





Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Bitch be cool. Habs drop first game in regulation since the great depression (6-0 Leafs loss)


So let me get this straight.  The Habs are sitting in first place.  They are in this position for 2 reasons: Carey Price and Michel Therrien's wizardry.  So can you explain why after 2 or 3 bad starts, radio call in shows and Twitter are flooded with morons who think our problem is in nets?

Hey assholes, up until 2 starts ago, Price was top 8 in pretty much all goalie categories.  The guy has 2 bad games and now he sucks??  You idiots make the millions of Japanese running from Godzilla seem composed and level headed.  THE HABS ARE IN FIRST PLACE.  I REPEAT, FIRST FUCKING PLACE.  They lost in regulation for the first time since the Clinton administration and you're all calling for his head.  No wonder he doesn't want to talk to the media after tough losses.

Nobody is annoyed with dropping a winnable game like tonight more than me, but it had to happen at some point.  After 2 incredibly intense games on the weekend versus 2 of the top 3 teams in the east, I think it's understandable that the guys came out a little flat in front of the 16 Islander fans that made their way to the shittiest building in hockey.  At least Ryder got involved, PK can sure as hell bitchslap the puck and Gionta is still alive.

So put the gun down, pop a Prozac and tell that bitch to be cool.




In case that wasn't clear, the insane Habs fans are portrayed by honeybunny.  I of course am Julius, the bad motherfucker.  The guy with the gun in his face is Claude Julien.  Just because he's a dick.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Habs lose 17-16 in OT. Price GAA jumps to 9.57

Tabarnac.  As far as entertainment goes, that game was right up there with watching 2 monkeys in a feces throwing contest.  HF4 and I were in attendance (in a loge no less) and our knees are still soar.  Not from jumping out of our seats six times but from the BJs we had to give to get the tickets.  But man was that dessert cart worth it.

Fundamentally, the performance was shaky at best.  Defensive zone coverage was non existent and Price gave a DiPietroish performance.  But who the hell cares.  That was by far the most fun I had at the Bell Center since 3 potheads sat in front of me at an Andre Bocelli concert.  Every so often, you need a game like that to remind us of what hockey was like in the 80s.  7-6 was the average score in an Edmonton game before Jacques Lemaire and the coma inducing Devils hijacked the league.

Even though they lost, the Habs showed that they can skate with a high powered offence like the Pens.  That game could've gone either way, but the Pens having lost 2 in a row wanted it a bit more.  That and Pacioretty had a brain fart in OT allowing for that goal.  As much as it hurt walking out of the building after that, being 7-0-3 in our last 10 ain't so shabby.

Besides, no time to dwell on that, we've got bigger problems.  Habs kick off a 5 game road trip and are in Boston tonight to play for first place.  Anything less than 12 goals will be a major disappointment.