Game preview Habs vs Ducks

The Montreal Canadiens begin their Pacioretty-less 3 game road trip tonight with a stop in Anaheim to face the not so Mighty Ducks. Les Canards have lost 5 straight and 8 of 10. This is terrible news. With their recent track record of playing down to their opposition, I would expect them to lose 12-2. But then we got the news that Markov might come back! Suddenly, my outlook on life itself was much less gloomy. Markov's return could finally mean a potent powerplay, smoother breakouts and the general concept of having a less shitty defensive core. Well, not so fast DC. Markov is out for tonight. Our savior will have to be Louis Leblanc. He was called up to fill the void left by our leading goal scorer. Here's how the conversation went:

Jackie: Hey Louis, jump on a plane and get to Anaheim, you're in the lineup tonight.

LL: Really? Not sure if my 14 games in the AHL have properly prepared me for this. Can I ease into the lineup?

Jackie: If by ease into the lineup you mean take over for Max Pacioretty on the top line, then yes.

LL: I can't replace that guy right off the bat! I need some time to settle in. Besides I have a coupon for a free pan pizza at the Hamilton Pizza Hut that expires tonight. Can I join you in San Jose tomorrow?

Jackie: Get on the fucking plane. And don't start coming up with excuses as to why you can't lead this mediocre team to the playoffs, er, the cup. If we win, we'll stop for ice cream on the way home.

LL: Sweet! I'm on my way. Just don't put me on a line with Gomez. By the way, if the team needs a place to crash, my cousin Matt has a huge house.

There you have it. No Markov, no Max. Welcome to the NHL Louis. You thought Harvard was hard? Say hello to the 789 journalists who will dissect your every pubic hair follicle. Now go save this franchise. And for the love of god, trim those eyebrows.

Markov Reborn Tonight?...

The Morning Bell for Wednesday November 30, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Openly gay senior citizens. Not taking shit at any age no matter who they cuddle with. I love it. If you're on iOS the video below will appear as a huge block of nothing. That's the screw you Apple from Flash. Or it's the opposite. Trust me, somebody's screwing somebody on this.

The two new NHL bench bosses had a damp squid of an evening. Same old offensive struggles for both the Carolina Hurricanes and Washington Capitals as Muller and Hunter can't steer their new teams in a different direction. Canes lose 3-1 to a Panther team that continues to surprise. Jaro tell Olivechkin fak you Olivechkin, I Jaro so no shake for you no more. You no put gol behind to my ass. Blues win 2-1.

Anne Coulter is still an insult to all things on this planet drawing breath.

Iginla rumours are heating up and actor Jay Baruchel is wondering whether Iggy will soon don the bleu-blanc-rouge.

American Airlines is totally messing with my Florida travel plans this winter. Tickets hanging by a thread? Keep it real, American Airlines - don't get all boo-hoo-hoo chapter 11 on my ass now.

Wolfe Blitzer's Situation Room is about as situating as a silent GPS for a guy blind guy with vertigo.

NBA lockout is about to end meaning millions of Americans can resume not watching the NBA.

A Timeline: Letang passe lentement

First period


Opening seconds of the first frame. Crosby breaks out of his zone, feeds Kunitz at centre ice for a short pass. Kunitz makes his way into the Habs zone, breaks at the top of the circle and sends a shot on Price. Malkin buries the rebound home. 1-0 Pens.

One minute later. Kostitsyn, Eller and Moen break into the Pens' zone. The forecheck leads to a turnover as the puck is retrieved by Moen who buries a writs shot past Fleury. 1-1

At the 12-minute mark, Pacioretty feeds Cole with a sharp cross-ice pass through the neutral zone. Cole writs a shot on Fleury who lets out a big rebound that Deharnais picks up. He immediately feeds Pacioretty at the top of the circle who fires a shot past Fleury. 2-1 Montreal

Second period

Early goal disallowed as Kunitz directed puck in net with his arm.

9 minutes left in the period. Subban shoots the puck wide from the blue line. It bounces of the boards behind the net and is picked up by Pacioretty at the side of the goal. Pacioretty makes a nice back pass to Erik Cole who one-times it past Fleury. 3-1 Habs.

3 minutes left in the second. A failed clearing attempt is knocked down at the Habs' blue line. The puck is then retrieved by Pascal Dupuis who turns around and fires a shot that eluded the defence and Price. 3-2 Montreal.

Third period

Another disallowed goal as Kunitz barrels into Price on a breakaway.

Montreal plays on their heels all period. Price makes several saves on odd-man rushes. But Staal manages to break free and lifts a beautiful shot over Price's right shoulder to tie the game. 3-3

Pacioretty breaks Letang's nose on a controversial hit.

Overtime


Letang, back in the game with a pin in his nose, comes in over the line, feeds Neal who pirouettes a shot on  Price. Carey drops to his knees and freezes the puck with his glove.

Neal and Letang bat at the puck. PK Subban goes into the dressing room to repair a skate. Mike Cammalleri has a drink of Gatorade at the bench. A fan in the blues goes to the washroom to relieve himself. A full bottle of ketchup is turned upside down and empties itself drop by drop. No tapping is applied to assist in this process.

The liberal party calls a new commission on the construction scandal. Charest announces the news via a press conference in Quebec City. The last autumn leaves fall off the branches they had been clinging on to so desperately.

Two snails who had been courting each other make love. The female snail is impregnated. Mother and father snail search for a warm place where mother may lay her eggs. She waits patiently as the father leaves for the winter to gather food. He returns to find 4,567,854 daughters and 2,457,677 boys. He's relieved as he was really hoping for a son.

I sit back and watch Jesus of Nazareth, the director's cut.

Jews erupt in elation as the Messiah arrives in a small village near Jerusalem.

A Norwegian mediator negotiates the return of the Palestinian refugees to the promised land. Ban Ki Moon is over the moon.

The Sagrada Familia is completed.

Suri Cruise celebrates her 40th wedding anniversary.

The world's oldest blind woman runs and completes a marathon in a potato sack, in 30 centimetres of snow. In a shocking twist, she removes the potato sack to reveal that she has no legs. My son graduates from college summa cum laude.

Apple announces the iPhone 52 S.

A small asteroid completes a rotation around the sun. The sun completes a rotation around the galaxy. A new galaxy is found by a Tanazanian astrologist.

It is reported that this new galaxy enforces a rule that when a goaltender drops to his knees and freezes the puck, THE REFS BLOW THE FUCKING WHISTLE!!!!!!!!!

The Leafs win the Cup.

Letang scores. Pens win 4-3.

Brendan Shanahan's Beautiful Mind

The morning bell for Tuesday November 29, 2011

Today's honorary ringers: Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca

You would think that the NHL's 2 newest head coaches would get the honor, but what these two old guys did was the funniest thing I've ever seen. 40 years removed from their rivalry and they still hate each other's guts. The CFL gets 3 seconds of coverage a year on ESPN. This bumped it up to 12 seconds. Those 2 fossils did more for the league than Anthony Calvillo ever did.

So two coaches got the ax on Monday. Bruce Boudreau's potty mouth was finally shown the door and replaced by ex super pest Dale Hunter. I think his message was played out after one too many early playoff exits. Ovy gets a fresh start with another no bullshit guy who loves to play his stars. Hope you're in shape Ovy because you're about to get 25-28 minutes a game.

The other casualty was Paul Maurice. Jim Rutherford finally realized that he had already hired Maurice once before. When this was brought to his attention, he quickly re-fired him and tapped our old buddy Kirk Muller. The PK'ists are very happy for Kirk. We look forward to the day he makes the Habs look bad for ever letting him go. Perhaps a conference final of Muller vs Boucher would do the trick.

Sorry about the missed morning bell yesterday morning. HF4 and I were in a group therapy session about that brutal loss on Saturday night. To blow a 3-1 lead and then have a botched call like that in OT was heartbreaking. Just when we were getting out of our funk, we learn that Pacioretty is suspended 3 games for the hit on Letang. Fucking shitballs. Perhaps a Californication road trip is just what the doctor ordered.

Habs Hire New Goaltending Coach

More as this story develops.

Quessé que j'dois faire pour être un vrai bon PK'ISTE?

Savoir expliquer mon identité avec clarté, classe et élégance.

Ne jamais succomber à la honte.

Savoir vulgariser mon sport national.

Rester quotidiennement à l'affût de l'information sportive.

Tout savoir sur les meilleurs joueurs et leur équipement.

Scander quelques mots de plus que GO HABS GO!

Tout le monde chante! J'ai dit tout l`monde tab?%$!! 

Un plan de match qu’on respecte à la lettre -  Un gardien alerte - Des bonnes mises en échec - Des passes drettes sur la palette - Pis des lancers précis et secs - C’est comme ça qu’on va gagner nos épaulettes ! Mais quand ça va mal, quand on cale ou on dévire - Que j'voie pas un sale quitter le pont du navire  - C'pas à matin -non!- qu'on accroche nos patins - Un Flying Frenchman, franchement!, ça franchit sans flancher  - Allez–y les Habitants, quand vous la mettez dedans - Y a un petit peu de nous autres là d’dans - On est debout avec vous on ira jusqu’au bout - Pendant la saison c’est toute la nation qui vibre au même diapason - Comme quand le gens criaient "Guy Guy Guy" - C’tait en dépit du combat constant de la vie - Ça leur donnait des forces - Ils pouvaient bomber le torse - Voilà l'amorce d'un ralliement réussi 

On peut Gagner ! On veut plus que participer nous on veut - Gagner ! À soir on fonce sur la patinoire pour Gagner ! Si on se défonce pour la victoire, on va - Gagner ! On va gagner !  

Enfin on fait les séries, fini les folies - Là c’est baston et rififi - Boston, Philadelphie - Avec les fantômes du forum - On n’a pas peur de personne - Chaque homme donne le maximum - Pour que cette année soit la bonne - Au printemps la fìèvre est universelle - Pis y'a juste une place où la glace il faut pas qu'elle dégèle - Ici le sang c'est de la sève qui monte jusqu'à nos lèvres - Le cri se change en un chant de ralliement qui s'élève ( : Allez Montréal ) - Nos chevaliers sont en cavale pour ramener le graal à Montréal - Le tournoi est un chemin de croix parsemé d'émoi - Mais la coupe on y croit, - Comme autrefois, on a la foi - Pis si c’est pas c’t’année, ben comme dirait René “ à la prochaine fois ” - Québécois ! 

On va Gagner ! On veut plus que participer nous on veut Gagner ! À soir on fonce sur la patinoire pour Gagner ! Si on se défonce pour la victoire, on va Gagner ! On va gagner ! Allez Montréal!

Du sang neuf depuis 1909 avec Jack Laviolette, Lach - Pitre et Pit Lépine en passant par Newsy Lalonde et Joe Malone Aurèle et Morenz  Hains', Plante, Gump et le Concombre, Pocket Rocket, Boum Boum, Cournoyer, Coco, Carbo, Casseau, Naslund  (Oublie pas les anglos, yo ) Toe, Dickie, Doug et Scotty, Shutt, Larry, Ken et Bobby L'arrêt de Roy , rebond, Butch Bouchard à Savard, vers Béliveau qui esquive un joueur Passe à Lafleur, Lafleur accélère remet au Rocket Richard, deux hommes sur le dos, rien de trop gros ET LE BUUUUUT! 

 On a GAGNÉ, on a gagné!  Allez Montréal! On veut gagner! On peut gagner! On va gagner! Allez Montréal!  On veut gagner! On peut gagner!  On va gagner!  

It's Easier to Believe it was Cricket: Habs/Flyers Game Review

Human beings are adaptive creatures. We draw on various defence mechanisms to cope through pain, to overcome obstacles and shield ourselves from the reality of life. We are self-avowed con-artists.

So I can sit here and type away about that awful performance by the Habs in Philly yesterday afternoon and deal with the reality of that game on its face. Or I can deny it ever happened, entertain the lie for a few more moments and quarantine the memory of the last 40 minutes of yesterday's game.

And I could pretend that it was a cricket match.

Philadelphia finally reached 3 all out in reply to Montreal's and left-arm spinner Claude Giroux sent back Carey Price and Petteri Nokelainen early to raise India's, er... the Flyers hopes of an unlikely victory,

Nokelainen gave the Habs reason for hope early on however, Giroux (34 not out) and Hartnell (27 not out) then thwarted the visitors to take Montreal to 3 for one at the close.

Despite injuries to key players, Giroux who took five wickets in the second and third periods, scored 2 to bring the smiles back to the faces of the Philadelphia crowd. The second period which lasted 7 and a half hours was an example of Philadelphia's dedication to excellence.

Jakub Voracek hit 15 boundaries and two sixes in his 118-ball knock and steered paceman Kimo Timmonen to the third man boundary to bring up his century. He departed to the next puck, miscuing a pull shot to leave Montreal trailing by 2 goals and wondering how much worse it could have been if Jaromir Jagr and Chris Pronger had been in uniform.

PK Subban, who forged a crucial partnership with Carey Price to save the West Indies, er Montreal, from following on, said: "He came out and started playing shots...he was pretty relaxed, the confidence from his bowling rubbed off. That boy can bowl good.

"He has taken wickets in the series, getting a hundred is always special for a bowler. But what's the point in getting a hundred if coach Martyin wants you to do more? And make chicken curry. It was good to have Noki scoring from one end, I could bat myself in and spend more time in the middle. But coach Martin insists that I stay back and let others bat in the middle."

Master batsman Pacioretty, unbeaten on 67 overnight, hit three boundaries and a six in the session and looked set to secure the coveted ton that has eluded him since he last made three figures in the 50-over World Cup.

With the whole of Philadelphia celebrating every run charge Montreal's second period came to an abrupt end on when Giroux edged Price to Canadiens captain Gionta at second slip.

Price trotted off the pitch furious, he was batting out of his crease trying to get the ball a little fuller.

"So I realised that and pulled back my length a little bit. So it was just the right ball at the right time. It's unfortunate, things like this happen.

"We had our plans to unsettle him a little bit. We are fast bowlers and our bouncers are our armoury and we tried to use them as much as possible. We tried to attack Philly a little more and tried to make them uncomfortable."

The visibly frustrated goalie trudged back to the pavilion, slowing down briefly to catch a replay of his dismissal.

Subban had a better game and the only other false shot in the game had come on Thursday, during the first period, when he edged leg-spinner Daniel Brière, on 58 but wicketkeeper Yannick Weber failed to hold on to the tough chance.

Erik Cole, playing his 184th Test, has scored 51 centuries in Tests and 48 in one-dayers.

The right-hander displayed a wide range of attacking shots in the morning against the second new ball, including an upper cut six off the paceman over the third man, before he fell in the 90s for the second time since his last ton.

Scott Gomez is unlikely to bat again in this Test after Montreal avoided the follow-on and will either have to wait for the one-day series against the Bruins, if he opts to play, or the four-Test series in Toronto.

Meanwhile, Mathieu Darche (52) brought up his maiden half-century in Tests, and with Mike Cammalleri took Montreal past the follow-on mark.

Unfortunately captain Gionta did not last long either, clean bowled by Giroux for eight to expose the visiting team's tail.

Game preview: Habs vs Flyers

So the Habs roll into Philly today to face a bipolar Flyers team. At times, they look unstoppable. But lately they've been stuck in familiar territory: talented, tough and goalie-less. After signing Ilya Bryzgalov to an insane contract, many Flyers fans thought their troubles between the pipes were finally over. But Byzgalov has not lived up to expectations. How can you when you signed a 9 year $51M deal?? And did I mention that deal pays him $10M this season? That's a lot of cash for a GAA of 2.89 and a save percentage under .900 If things don't get better soon for Ilya, he'll be the new shitty contract king of the NHL. Did you hear that? That was Gomez praying someone else can take his title.

Philly can beat anybody, but they can also lose on any given night. For some reason, they're much better on the road than at home. As a matter of fact, the Habs dealt them 1 of only 2 regulation losses on the road this season. They will also be without 3rd leading scorer Jaromir Jagr. With 17 points in 19 games, he's proving that he can still play at a high level. Yet another player who wanted to come here just to have the corpse say no thanks.

Habs send out the same lineup minus (plus) Scott who's out with a lower body injury and a bruised ego. If Eller has one of his killer games, Jackie will have no choice but to seriously consider scratching Gomez until the corpse on the 7th floor decides what to do with him. 20 games was more than enough to give him a chance to play himself out of his funk. St-Denis will be called up and play...forward?? Let the second guessing begin.

Carey will need to keep up his great play of late. He's let in 4 goals in his last 4 games. Without him, it's gonna be a long afternoon.

La p'tite devise d'avant match

 

Il n'y Jagr de raison de Pronger vers une défaite cet après-midi. On peut bien crèmer Philadelphie en misant sur le fait que ça devrait bien Eller avec notre ma$$eScott qui nous encouragera à partir de la maison. Youppi!

Nous, PK'ISTES

Nous, PK'ISTES, dans un Cyberespace fédéral souverain, verrons notre société profondément transformée. Au lendemain de la proclamation de notre Coupe, un immense élan de fierté gagnera notre nation entière. Notre énergie et notre créativité, entravées depuis si longtemps, se déploieront dans toutes les sphères d’activité, sur tout le territoire de la Rue Ste-Catherine.  

Nous aurons enfin répondu à l’appel de l’histoire qui, depuis toujours, nous invite à une refondation de notre gloire. Ce consentement à nous-mêmes et au bénéfice des générations futures, ce rendez-vous avec la victoire dans la LNH, nous vaudra de voir inscrit à nouveau chez nous, ce beau mot de sept lettres, Stanley.

Le projet de fédération-souveraine des PK'ISTES prend sa source dans une histoire nationale marquée par la ténacité des défenseurs de la liberté. Dans la foulée de ses jours à Jérusalem, au Marché aux Puces de Ste-Hyacinthe ainsi qu'à l`Université Laval, Habs Fan 4, un avocat plus francophile que Guy Bertrand et polyvalent que Grégory Charles, créait les PK'ISTES et conviait la nation entière à la conquête de sa liberté collective.

HF4, dont le nom rend hommage au plus grand homme de classe de l'histoire de la Sainte Flanelle, commença par recruter, en tant qu'analyste politique sportif, un véritable dieu du hockey endurci par son illustre carrière intra scolaire Pee Wee BB. Entrainé personnellement par Sœur Angèle et Jeannette Bertrand, Don`s Cherries, DC pour les intimes, est le fruit Chrétien de l’union de parents Égyptiens. Ayant toute sa vie combattu le grand Jihad contre les Bruins de Boston, DC a juré sur la tête de Youppi qu'il versera de vraies larmes masculines lorsqu'il verra le Canadien hisser sa 25^ème Coupe Stanley. 

Le principal poste au parti étant comblé, HF4 recruta ensuite une femme d'or digne de Gerry Boulet, Golden Girl, dont la vocation de mère au foyer se transforma progressivement en celle de conseillère en matière de propagande. Entre changer des couches, faire des lunchs ou superposer  la tête de Saddam Hussein au corps de Jacques Martin avec Photoshop, l'entendement de ce qui est plus gratifiant pour notre GG ne requiert point la tête (et surtout pas les oreilles) du dit entraineur du tricolore.   

S’ajouta en dernier lieu à l’équipe, un attaché culturel et linguistique hors de repères. El Conkistador, dont l’identité devra demeurer un mystère afin de protéger les innocents, s'en donne à cœur joie à parodier dans la langue de Shakespeare, Faust, Neruda et Georges Laraque. 

Notre équipe unique et unie a poursuivi son épopée de courage et de détermination à travers le temps, de septembre 2011 jusqu’à aujourd'hui. Notre souhait ultime: d'attirer aux PK'ISTES de nouvelles générations de toute allégeance démographique qui adorent nos Habs et vénèrent le joueur qui représente selon nous, à la fois l'avenir des Glorieux et la promesse de leur succès, PK Subban. 

Notre équipe de mordus du hockey assoiffés de gloire et de Moslon Dry perpétue notre projet porteur de renouveau et de poursuites judiciaires potentielles. 

CHARTE DES PK'ISTES 

Article 1: Rapatrier les pouvoirs crémeux et traditionnels des Blogueurs 
Les PK'ISTES occuperont tout l’espace possible dans les domaines de son identité pour assurer son plein développement, exigera de nouveaux pouvoirs et leur rapatriement dans des domaines comme le sport, la politique internationale et les parodies de Scott Gomez. 

Article 2: Atteindre l'indépendance et le progrès médiatiques
Aspirant à la victoire absolue de nos Glorieux, les PK'ISTES ont pour objectif premier de commenter les performances et contre performances du Canadien sans aucune consultation populaire et aux moments qui leurs sont les plus opportuns. Ils prendront tous les moyens nécessaires, tels que le recours à la clause dérogatoire, afin de publier dans la langue réelle ou inventée de leur choix. Dans l'atteinte de leur domination cybernétique, ils useront de diverses techniques dont Photoshop, l’analyse d’avant et d’après-match, les simulacres d'entrevues de vestiaire et des conversations entre PK Subban et son IPhone. 

Article 3: S'enrichir en tant qu'entité souverainiste-fédéraliste, multiethnique, laïque et religieuse 
Afin de rompre avec l'attentisme financier, les PK'ISTES chercheront à acquérir toujours plus de pouvoirs et de moyens afin de rembourser leurs dettes étudiantes, leurs hypothèques ainsi que payer leurs billets de saison. Le capitalisme socio-démocratique communiste sera donc le modèle économique retenu et appliqué une fois la théocratie laïque instaurée. Sur le plan religieux, le Culte du  hockey sera pratiqué librement par les membres du parti mais imposé rigoureusement aux Saints du comité exécutif.  Ceci devra inclure un pélérinage annuel au grand Temple de la renommée situé dans la ville des feuilles mortes, nos éternels rivaux. 

Article 4: Assurer la coexistence pacifique dans l'ère de la mondialisation du Blogue  

Les PK'ISTES déploieront une politique étrangère ayant pour objectif de promouvoir et défendre ses intérêts sur la scène internationale. Il exigera de négocier et de signer les traités entre Blogues voisins dans les matières de sa  compétence. Il préparera la reconnaissance universelle de sa suprématie éternelle en tant que Blogue ainsi que celle du Canadien de Montréal en tant que club de hockey.  

Être PK'ISTE, c'est notre destin à nous tous.

Game review: Habs vs Walking Sticks

Aaaahhh. Habs Logic. Gotta love it. Outplay the Bruins, struggle against the Hurricanes. Although the performance was much more convincing than the Islanders debacle, the result was good, yet troubling. Yes we shot 34 times, yes their first 2 goals were either weird or shouldn't have counted all together and yes Scott Gomez is still a douche. On one hand, we did come back from 2 down. On the other, we played on our heels and barely hung on to get to OT. Where's the killer instinct? We always seem to play for the single point. Jackie keeps giving me migraines by not playing Cole and Pacioretty more often. The way Cole goes to the net, he should be playing 58 minutes a game.

As I was writing the first paragraph, I was comforted by the thought that the Islanders were beating the Flyers. That comfort was quickly substituted for indigestion when the Flyers did what great teams do. They don't let bad teams beat them. We do. They were down 3-1 but found a way to win. We also have a 4th liner in Mathieu Darche who thinks it's useful and appropriate to chew out PK after a bad pass. I get that he's a leader but know your role. Career AHLers don't have the pedigree to pull that off.

Ok, now that's out of the way. We needed 2 points and we got them. Our defense was porous but at this point, I'm done criticizing them. They're young, inexperienced and doing their best. When we win, they get a pass. When we lose, they get crucified. Sounds fair.

Next stop Philly for Thanksgiving. I'll be thankful for a win and a slapshot to Pronger's crotch.

The morning bell for Thursday November 24 2011

Today's honorary ringers? Turkeys

It's the least we can do. 45 million of those poor delicious bastards are eaten every Thanksgiving south of the border.

Busy night in the NHL but a few scores are worth mentioning. If you need the Morning Bell to tell you the Habs won, you're an asshole. Go read another blog.

Crosby's 2nd game wasn't nearly as exciting as his first. Monday night was obviously a fluke. This guy's career is over. Clearly. Pens drop an OT decision to the new and improved Blues.

Philly avoids disaster and beats the Islanders in OT and Boston wins their 10th straight by beating the Sabres in their first game since the Lucic incident. Gaustad and Lucic dropped the gloves early in the 1st period. Milan never backs down and once again showed why he can pretty much do whatever he wants. To think everybody in the NHL passed him up in 2006.

In other news, Tiger woods made $3M. For what you ask? Did he win a tournament finally? Nope. He's showing up. $3M is apparently what some rich arab sheikh is willing to pay Tiger to show up and play in Abu Dhabi. So let me get this straight. Tiger shows up, plays a round and gets back on his jet with a suitcase full of cash even if he misses the cut? God damn I'm in th wrong line of work.

But today, everything takes a back seat to Football. 3 good games on the schedule. The Pack goes for their 10th straight win in what is usually an easy place to play on Thanksgiving, Detroit. Not this year! Miami faces Dallas in the afternoon and the Harbaugh brothers faceoff in the night game. No shortage of storylines this year.

So if you're lucky enough to have access to a TV today, enjoy the games. Habs won so for the next 24hrs, we can focus on something else. Gobble Gobble.

Habs/Canes Game Preview

A game for the ages in Carolina tonight.

I've been more interested in mute Norwegian documentaries about oil spills off the coast of Tanzania.

And yet play this game the team must and write about it we shall.

The Canes have won 2 in a row but have made an admirable job of being a fairly crappy hockey team. The defence has fallen apart and the loss of Cole may have hurt Eric Staal more this time than when Coly went to Edmonton.

Sophomore Jeff Skinner is putting up a point a game numbers and therefore seems to be the only true player exempt of harsh criticism. Paul Maurice is hanging on to his job by a snail's pubic hair.

You know what there is to know about the Habs. Gill is back tonight so look for a steady penalty kill. Fred St-Denis will be watching from the press box.

This shouldn't be a hard game for Montreal who should have learned from their mistake in Long Island last week. There have been enough bed wetting games this season to live long and mighty in our memory banks. Time to take it to the weaker teams and put them away like the good one's do.

Les PK'ISTES en français dès demain. Stay touned.

The Morning Bell for Snow Day November 23, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: God Almighty

Montrealers woke up this morning and unsupectedly drew their blinds to a fresh blanket of snow. Suddenly the morning routine we've taken for granted since the spring was drastically altered. Brush off the cars. Make some room in the garage for them. Mostly though it was the look on the 7 month old's face. Ichael gazed out the window and gave me a look that clearly said: "I don't know man the shit looks the same to me. Now where's mom's boob?" Freaking poetry.

The Habs take on the slumping Canes tonight. Star centre Staal is on pace for 38 points. That's what our overpaid guy at centre tallied last year. Staal will bounce back. Gomez is on pace for 26 points.

Some people implicated in the incident are dealing with the fallout of a brawl in the stands on Monday night at the Bell Centre. We understand that some Bruin fans were shouting racist slurs at PK and fans took exception after having issued several warnings. No sense in pounding their faces although I can understand the catharsis brought on by remodeling their jaws. A quick shout to the security guards and it would have been taken care of.

Andrei Markov was cleared to play in a jersey not sponsored by MC Hammer. He's on the trip but won't play which amounts to wasted airfare.

No I won't discuss the victors in yesterday's destruction of Lightning. It would offend our honorary ringer. The boys in Edmonton are still making noise and LA continues to do well despite being an ugly city.

More on today later today for more news today a bit later.

Later.

Game review: Habs lose to streaking Bruins (streaking as in winning streak, not naked streak)

Ayoye. Ostie qu'ça fait mal. Our boys really deserved better than that last night. 33 shots, good scoring chances, tight defensive play. All the ingredients were there and had it not been for the flipping and flopping from a certain Hart/Vezina trophy winner, we would've won. That and botching a 4 minute PP.

So as I mentionned this morning, Habs Logic was not completely off. We lost (and I predicted a 14-1 victory), but we played better than the hottest team in the league. That effort beats 26 teams in this league, so Habs Logic did hold true in that sense. Nevertheless, losing sucks. Losing to the Bruins sucks ass. Getting shutout at home sucks balls. That's a lot of sucking. And not the good kind. The only good thing about last night was Emelin coming out of his shell. He finally showed what we've been waiting for for so long. Big hits, solid defensive play, what else can you ask of him. Well deserved 3rd star.

I did notice a few perplexing decisions from our head honcho. I get that Gomez got 2 points on Saturday, but does that warrant the crazy amount of PP time he's getting? How on earth is he getting more ice than Cole against a team like the Bruins?? And why is PK not on the ice in the last minute when we desperately need a goal?

The fact that I am bitching about the coach after an acceptable loss says a lot. I don't like him. He bores me to death and his decisions make me question his sanity. The guy has over 600 wins and I'm second guessing him every step of the way. Do any of the players look at this man and say to themselves: "I'm gonna take a slapshot off the face to get this guy a win." or "Holy shit is he fired up tonight, we better get our ases in gear". No. The only comments I can hear are "Coach looks more upset about last night's episode of Masterpeice Theater than the game" and "Hey coach, the ghost of Ghandi called, he wants his personality back". And that would be an insult to Ghandi's rarely reported spicy latin temper.

Whatever. These complaints of mine are just there to ease the pain. All that will help is a win on Wednesday. God knows we need it cuz it ain't gonna be a picnic on Friday afternoon vs the Flyers. And by Saturday, Crosby will be leading the league in scoring so I suggest we bank some points as early as we can.

The morning bell for Tuesday November 22, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Who else. Sid the kid.

This freak of nature comes back after 320 days off and gets 4 points. If the playoffs started today, the Pens would be the overwhelming favorites. The entire team rallied around him and I feel sorry for the poor bastard who tries to hit him next. He may have the worst facial hair in the NHL, but holy shit can he play. If he somehow finishes with more points than Ovy, I will post naked during the playoffs.

Painful loss to the Bruins last night. Great effort, plenty of shots and scoring chances but it just wasn't going in. There are still a few question marks concerning some of Jackie's decision, but what Habs loss would be complete without those. Habs logic failed me. Although they did play better than the Bruins, so it's a push. I feel better.

In the who gives a shit department, Justin Verlander won the AL MVP, becoming the first pitcher since 1992 and the first starting pitcher since 1986 to win the award. That's like giving the Hart trophy to a back up goalie because he had a bunch of shutouts. Pitchers play 1 out of 5 games. That's why they have the Cy Young and that's why they make $20M a year. MVP is for everyday players. Stupid Bud Selig.

2 FOR 1 Legal Essay/Game Preview: Chara Case Dismissed: Why Now?

The Case

Last week, the Crown prosecution decided that it didn't have enough evidence to try the Zdeno Chara case. Without sufficient proof, there would be no sense in investing time and tax funds towards a compromised file. Nobody saw enough to mount a convincing dossier that would ultimately lead to a conviction.

Zdeno evil. Hear no evil.

The Chara-Pacioretty incident dates back to March 8, 2011. It goes back a few more weeks when you take into account the mini-scuffle that broke out after Pacioretty shoved Chara from behind following a Habs overtime winner. Chara took exception to the cheap shot and may or may not have registered the incident for future use. That specifically, the motive, the premeditated nature of what transpired on March 8 will always remain a mystery to anyone not named Zdeno Chara or God Almighty. And last time I checked you can't subpoena God's files so the Crown would always be lacking in hard proof.

The case is interesting because you can be sure the pendulum would have swung the other way had Pacioretty been left in a wheelchair for life after the hit Chara levelled on him. That is frustrating because Pacioretty was only a faint distance from that fate. The act in and of itself remains the same. The intent to injure and the premeditation that one may only speculate on are as nebulous in one scenario as they are in the other. You can be certain that what got Chara off was not the lack of evidence but rather the mild long term effects of the injury.

So why dismiss the case now? Some of you may know that although I blog professionally and have become extremely powerful as a result, I also practice law full-time. Although I'm not a criminal lawyer and have a personal distaste for that brand of our trade, I do understand the general construct of our criminal system. You can't discount two essential facts - One, the prosecution only tries when it's virtually certain it will win and Two, P.R. is a very prominent consideration in the fabric of criminal cases.

Over 400 000 criminal cases are brought into the criminal system every year in Canada. On average, the words "not guilty" are uttered only 3% of the time. The files are either settled out of court or dropped altogether as soon as the crown deems that the weakness in its file presents enough of a dent to justify some form of judicial restraint.

So why did the Crown take so long to bow down?

This is where the public relations come into play. Imagine someone is charged with a hit and run. The media at first swirls around the story: the first shots of the body bag on a stretcher, the family in tears, the first glimpse of the accused shuffled into a court room. At these early stages of a file, the spotlight is very ON and the public isn't ready for a compromise. If you're going to settle a file, you do it when the story dies down, when the risk of public outcry has diminished enough to do the deal in relative tranquility. You do it when the media isn't swirling around in droves. I was once asked to wait for a settlement around Christmas time where things are usually quiet and people are less concerned with these types of stories.

Imagine the backlash had the Crown made its decision to not pursue the matter a few weeks after the incident. At the time, everyone had an opinion on the topic: the NHL, the league's major sponsor Air Canada, the media, Max Pacioretty, Geoff Molson in a letter to the fans. It was the story du jour.

Today, nobody really cares and when the story broke last week on the Crown's decision to drop the matter, it almost went unnoticed. It was an afterthought, a side story. It's exactly what the prosecution wanted. Quiet, subdued and subtle.

Quiet, subdued and subtle. Not how we can expect to depict tonight's game.

The Game


The only thing that would serve as a truer measure of where the Habs actually stand today is if tonight's game were in Boston. Games on Bruin ice always stand as a brutal test of fortitude and resolve. But a game in Montreal against these same Bruins will do.

Boston is riding a monster winning streak with 8 victories. The Bruins like the Habs have overcome a slow start and are gunning for a spot in the top 8. They look like they'll get there and stay there for the rest of the season.

Montreal is a confusing team to say the least and it's looking more and more obvious that the inconsistency is attributable to a decimated core that is trying to cope with life in the NHL as a B team. Too many injuries to too many key players. It's incredible that they are still hurting the league's best teams in spite of their depleted roster.

Cole and Pacioretty are still huge. TP is selke smooth. Carey is unfazed now by his poor start. Gomez began something on Saturday and we look forward to a carry over effect. Otherwise we invite him to carry his bags over to Hamilton.

It should be a dandy.

TP. Can't live without it (him).

It's time to give credit where credit is due. The Montreal Canadiens have been grossly overacheiving this season. Our defensive core has been decimated, our $8M centerman has the talent of a soy bean, Mike Cammalleri has been slow out of the gate, Price had his issues in the first 8 games, PK hasn't been himself, Cole just arrived last week, AK's been hurt, and the list goes on and on.

So what can we attribute this success to? Well, none other than TP. To some, TP is our never injured, always steady "2nd" line center, Tomas Plekanec. To others, TP is the indispensible roll of white pillowy soft paper we all desperately need to get through our daily lives. And then it hit me. TP is to the Habs what TP is to the rest of us. Who do you turn to to clean up a shitty mess? TP. Who do you need when you can't find a kleenex? TP. Who do you notice only when he's not doing his job? TP. What is the only thing between your bare ass and a public toilet? TP. One can say that Tomas Plekanec is the human equivalent of toilet paper. Kind of boring, never the life of the party, but it saves your ass every time.

Some may take this the wrong way. DC, how dare you compare this guy to toilet paper?? He's a great player. Damn right he is. And toilet paper is perhaps the most underappreciated thing in this world (after Nutella). Do you ever sit there and thank god you have access to this stuff? If not, try wiping your ass with leaves next time and let me know how it goes. Do you ever notice when there is no more toilet paper? Probably not until it's too late. Tomas has been the backbone of our offence for the last 4 years. Yet ne never gets the credit he deserves, the loudest cheers or the media's attention. How many Pleky jerseys are out there? 8? And 4 of those belong to his mother. Hab fans are all into Price, PK, Cammy, Markov, Gio, but where is Tomas in all this? He's right there at the top of the score sheet. Getting his point a game, killing penalties and working the point on the pp (much to this blogger's dismay).

Has anyone even noticed that he's 2 assists shy of the league lead?? Or that he's put up 5 straight 20 goal seasons? He does everything we ask. He cleans up the shit, he's used for things he wasn't intended, his hands are soft like cotton and his eyes absorb everything around him (ok, that was reaching). TP is TP. We need him, we love him (even if we don't always show it) and without him, we're in deep shit.


Spanish subtitles courtesy of El Conkistator.

The morning bell for Monday November 21,2011

Today's honorary ringer: David Beckham

On the last day of his mind numbing $250M contract, David Beckam delivered a header pass and an MLS Championship to the city of Angels. It's been a roller coaster for Becks on this side of the pond, but which ever way you slice it, he won. I was beginning to wonder if that poor bastard would ever catch a break.

Crosby is finally ready. The Islanders are the lucky winners of that circus. Love him or hate him, the league needs this kid. Especially since Ovy decided not to show up this year.

Big week in the NFL. Tim Tebow continued to be the worst QB ever that doesn't lose. He might be living proof that Jesus existed. I don't know how else to explain this nonsense. Dallas ekes out a W and the Eagles help them out by screwing up the Giants' plans. Just another day at the office for Aaron Rodgers, San Fran keeps rolling and the Colts managed not to lose.

The Habs get ready for the Bs tonight, followed by the 'Canes, Flyers and Pens. Habs Logic says we go 3-1. I'll take it. Leafs lose. I never get tired of typing that. Oh, and how is Chris Higgins tied for the Canucks scoring lead??

Sunday morning Roundup

So Habs Logic held up last night with a Hurricane-esque 4-0 win against the flaming hot Rangers. Price made a couple good saves and napped the rest of the way. Cole continued to earn his pay by going to the net and picking corners like it's going out of style. And, against all odds, Escott showed up and picked up 2 points. He's now earned 53 cents of the money we've already payed him. I'm glad he did well but I've decided to focus on his missed breakaway instead. TP on the PP finally paid some dividends. 2 goals last night and one from the TP himself. From the point no less! I have to give extra credit to our embryonic defense. Holding the Rangers to 17 shots can only be done with good team defense. Hats off to them. Granpa Gorges is doing a great job and PK seems to be settling down.

Speaking of hats, Taylor Hall got fed up with all this Tyler Seguin talk and popped in 3 for good measure. Anthony Hopking and Ted Nugent's kid torched the Hawks for 5 helpers and the Oil went on to win 9-2.

In other news, the fucking Leafs somehow got out of their funk vs the Caps. 7 different guys scored and caveman Laich was the Caps only answer. Ovy is on a milk carton. 4th straigh night off the score sheet and -3. I say trade him. The Habs will bite the bullet and take that deadbeat. They can have their choice of any Alaskan-Mexican they want.

The dickhead move of the night goes to Flyers coach Peter Laviolette. In the Flyers first visit to the Peg, he sits Ilya Bryzgalov. If you recall, Bryzgalov went public for his hate for the great white north when he said he would never play for a Winnipeg based team. I love these Russian guys who move to Phoenix for a few years and forget where they came from. Winnipeg is Miami next to the frozen hole you came out of! And even after Bobrovski got rattled and the crowd was chanting to see Bryzgalov, Laviolette didn't budge. Asshole.

In other news, the Bruins continued to steamroll everybody, averaging almost goals a game during their 8 game win streak. If it wasn't for Habs logic, I'd be worried. Habs win 14-2.

Bon Dimanche tout le monde. Rest up. Habs have an insane week coming up.

Will Finding his Muse make Escott See the Light?

Share your thoughts with us and stay tuned for our next installment of

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - 

Game Preview Habs vs NHL's Hottest team

Our Habs are hosting the Rangers tonight. They've won 7 in a row and 8 of 10. According to Habs logic, we should win 9-1. Should be the same lineup. Expect to see TP on the PP point (I'd rather watch actual toilet paper on a penis) and our embryonic defensive core take the ice. We should pay Gorges a little extra for babysitting every night. This poor guy has 6 years under his belt and is the most experienced guy on our blue line by a country mile. If the Habs every wondered what he was worth, he's showing it now. He's a leader, he's consistant and he can grow a bad-ass 'stach. Throw him in with the Pacioretty, Price and Subbans and sign him right fucking now.

On a brighter note, Mike Komisarek has a broken arm and will miss 8 weeks. I think that every time I complain about Gomez, I'm gonna bite my tongue a little. I really wanted to keep this asshole 2 years ago. I knew he was asking for more than what he was worth, but he was tough as nails and would protect Carey like nobody else. Today, he's the most overpaid defenceman in the NHL. What makes this all the sweeter is that we passed him on to the Leafs. That should cancel out the Grabovski deal. So basically, 4.5M of Gomez's 7.3M cap hit is forgivable. The last 2.8M is unacceptable!

Enjoy the game and let's hope for a win and a Tortorella meltdown.

Game Review: Habs lose to Islanders. The New York Islanders. Those Islanders. Who had previously lost 4 straight.

So. Habs lost last night. No big deal. They can't win every game, right? Wrong. They can and they must win every game... against the fucking Islanders. You can't start a game vs a weak opponent like that. You can't let them score 2 quick ones and find yourself down by 3. Not to the Islanders. If last night's game was against Philly, we'd all be talking about what a gutsy effort it was and that the guys never quit. But it wasn't against Philly. You think that little comeback makes me feel any better when it was against the Islanders? Not at all. Teams that are finally back on track and who know how important it is to grab as many points as you can don't drop these kinds of games. The Bruins can afford some losses. So can the Caps, the Hawks, the Canucks and a few others teams that have the talent and experience to end up in the playoffs anyways. The Habs are not on that list. We drop a few games like that and it's over faster than you can say Nokelainen. The players really blew it in the 1st half of the game. But when they finally woke up and made a game of it, guess who couldn't get out of their way. Jackie. The powerplay is going nowhere. That Gionta goal was lucky as hell. They could barely control it all night. TP on the point? How's that workin' out for you Jacko? How about Gomez on in the last minute while our 2 hottest guys (Cole and Pacioretty) are sitting on the bench? When you need a goal in the last minute, don't send the guy who has 1 since February. I'm really starting to think Escott has some dirt on the coach. There is also the possibility that Jackie and Escott are romantically involved. Maybe Jackie was in the market for a spicy latin lover. How else is he getting this much respect? 16 minutes of ice for that scrub?? Eller who was getting into gear has disappeared since that fucker came back. So essentially, it's not bad enough that he sucks balls, but he's killing Eller as he's sucking. I'm not even upset at Gomez anymore. Glen Sather asked him to sign a piece of paper that would make him a zillionaire. He signed it. Bob Gainey took on that shitty contract thinking a change of scenery would help. It didn't. Nothing will help. He's done. What else has to happen? Do we need to miss the playoffs for them to realize that?

With the amount of injuries this team has had so far, it's a miracle we're not in last place. But that doesn't give Jackie a free pass to keep doubling down on the ridiculous notion that Escott is the guy who will get us out of this mess. Even if this guy was making $3M, he shouldn't be on the team. There has been no pregression in his play. He went from sucking ass, to sucking balls. In the corporate world, that is considered to be a lateral move. I know it can be tough to dump someone. If they're having trouble, just follow Kramer's lead. He somehow says exactly what Gomez needs to hear.

The Mourning Bell for Friday November 18th, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Eddy Palchak

The man has unpulled more groins and relocated more shoulders than anybody in history. He also has his name on the cup more than any other player except one. RIP Mr. Palchak.

Before we get started, I need to talk to Jeff Carter. You're demanding a trade? You've played 7 games. Who are you to demand anything? The Flyers dumped your ass and haven't missed a beat, you have 3 assists and a fucked up foot. Shut your pie hole and suit up. Moron.

So last night was an odd game. Why odd? Well, the Habs did what they always do. They played down to the level of their competition. Down 3-0 to the fucking Islanders??? Really? The day after you owned the Hurricanes? Really?? On the other hand, they did come back and came within inches of going to overtime. Unfortunately, they would've had to win in overtime, cure cancer and convict Jerry Sandusky to make up for that shitty start. I'm beginning to think this team could beat the Soviet team of the 80s and then lose to the Mighty Ducks. Not the team from Anaheim, the kids from the movie. The ones who made you believe the flying V was an actual hockey play. The ones coached by Emilio Estevez. The ones who are all now either in rehab or working at Burger King. Fuck that. You know what? Actual ducks. And $20 says they wouldn't even have to be all that mighty. Are the Habs not aware we have the Rangers and Bruins coming up? Are they not aware that these 2 points could come in handy? Come to think of it, those are 4 easy points.

And why the hell is TP still playing the point on the PP?

Phil in the Blanks!

We at the PK'ISTS have just learned that legendary TV therapist and life coach Dr. Phillip McGraw has been retained to assist the Habs in their quest for motivational consistency. This has spawned our latest game show, hosted by yours truly’s non-Latino cousin from Westmount, Conky Stader. Lets tune in. 

Conky: It's now time for... (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!" I’m your host Conky Stader. Let’s meet our contestants for today. First up is blogging legend HF4. 4 enjoys lawyering, knitting, Dexter and Arahova Souvlaki. Weclome 4!

HF4: Thanks Conky. I’m forced to be here. Actually, I find Marathon’s tzatziki to be a little bit more...

Conky: ...swell to have you with us 4! Going up against 4 today is German hockey insider and sports psychologist Dr. Smartsen Übershtick. Welcome Herr Doctor!

Dr. Übershtick: Lassen beginnen shnell. Time is vasted.

Conky: Ok then, here’s how the game works: both contestants are given a real Dr. Phil quote straight out the pregame pep talk and have to guess who the targeted Hab is, as well as provide the hockey and scientific rationales behind the quote. Contestants ready? Let’s play… (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!" Our first Dr. Phil pep talk quote is: (in thickest southern accent you can muster up)

“This ain't my first rodeo son”?

HF4 : Ding Ding Ding (not a buzzer but HF4 actually going “Ding Ding Ding”)

Conky: 4 so quick on the draw to guess the quote from McGraw!

HF4: I know this. Phil’s having a showdown with Gionta who’s feeling the new motivator is challenging him as the alpha male of the pack.

Conky: Nice try 4, but incorrect! Captain Sauerkraut for the steal?

Dr. Übershtick: I vill answer at vonce! Phil is clearrly urrging Carrey Prrice to remainen focoossed und composed thrroughout ze whole season using a classic Jungian Cowboy arketype und neoclassik rapporrt building teknik. He is stimulating Carrey’s Id viz vivid images of naked animals being lassoed into soobmission, all ze vile challenging his ego by being ze gentle paterrnal figurren clearrly needed in ze Habs room since ze deparrten of Kirk Müller.

HF4: Fuck!!!! 

Conky: 4 you’ve answered already! Colonel Übershnitzel is correct! 200 points! Good spirit 4, you're at -200! Shame you had to miss court to be here today. All right, our next pre-game Dr. Phil quote is:

“No dog ever peed on a moving car but you need to marry yo’ baby moma.”

HF4: Ding Ding Ding

Conky: 4, so fast on the button, a bit of a glutton?

HF4: I got this one for sure Conky! It’s clearly a message to the team about learning to seize the types of golden opportunities that will ultimately enable the boys to secure a safer spot in the standings and avoid wrecking their entire season with one gutless performance. It's classic Classical Conditioning, à la Pavlov.     

Conky: Sorry 4! I hope you’re better at "lawyering" than you are at this here game. You know, for Ichael’s sake! Das Fuhrer for the stealen?

Dr. Übershtick: Klearrly Dr. Phil here is conveyiing to PK Subban zat he must commit to ze team concept, baby moma, as vell as focus on quality razer zan quantity ven rreleasing his ein-timer from ze point. Zis is a rriveting Frreudian appeal to PK`s veak bladderr, his love of luxurry Gerrman automobiles, German Sheppards und newborrn orrphan babies.”

Conky: Perfekten Dr! Feir hoondred punkt! HF4 is ein moron! Mooh ha ha ha ha!  

HF4: I’m getting the f…

Conky: …wait 4! This is our last question for double points. Our final Dr. Phil pep talk quote is:

“You don't need Cat Scratch Fever to buy a Stairway to Heaven.”

HF4: Ding Ding Dingading my bitCHes!

Conky: Have you a death wish man? 4 is first to ring in again!

HF4: Nothing but net on this one Conky! Dr. Phil here is obviously communicating to the Coach that while he understands that Tomas Plekanec can operate with surgical precision, Martin’s OCD-like insistence on placing him at the point during the man advantage is giving many a fan the type of headache one gets after the rapid over-consumption of blended frozen drinks. He is also appealing to Martin’s deep-rooted childhood fear of losing those appendages that make him such an emphatic listener.

Conky: Sorry 4! That would have been the correct answer for the Dr. Phil quote:

“You don't need a sack of hammers to skin a gopher but don’t make me put your ears in my ice blender!”

Conky: Maybe next time 4! Dr. Meindbender for the steal?

HF4: Stader you mother f…

Conky: …now 4, if Dr. Octoberfesten provides the correct answer, he gets 400 points, your remaining 2011-2012 Habs season tickets and gets to sleep with your wives.

HF4: Conky you piece of sh…

Dr. Übershtick: … Herr Conky, may you rrepeaten ze quoten please?

Conky: Once again the quote is:  

“You don't need Cat Scratch Fever to buy a Stairway to Heaven.”

Dr. Übershtick: Drrring Drrrring! I could do zis viz my hands tied behind my back. Dr. Phil is mekking an impassioned plea to ze entire roster by urrging zem to avoid ze dangerous prregame combination of magic mushrrooms und Led Zeppelin musik recorrdings responsible forr ze team’s early season voes.

Conky: Correct Dr.! With a total of 800 points, Dr. Übershtick wins the game, HF4’s tickets and the goodden shtoopen with 4's w...

HF4: …your’re a dead man Stader…you hear me you piece of s…

Conky: …security restrain him at once! Join us next time for… (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!"

Dr. Phil's parting words of wisdom 

The Morning Bell for Thursday November 17, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Michael Landsberg

OTR's host wrote a terrific and moving piece on Wade Belak this summer. Yesterday he handled idiot supreme, Chael Sonnen, of the UFC with agility and intelligence. Sonnen was no match for Landsberg's wits and, after refusing to answer any questions, berating Landsberg and trouncing our country for good measure, walked off the set. Amazingly, Landsberg has said he would give Sonnen a do-over if the fighter obliged.

Habs came up with their best 60 minutes of the year and dominated the Canes last night. PK scored his first goal - I'm sure Siri will have something to say about that. The boys play again tonight in the land of Snow, Garth Snow. Habs are 7-2-1 in their last 10. Feels oddly strange to say that because it hasn't felt that joyous of late.

Elsewhere in the NHL other teams suited up and played some hockey. Like the Blackhawks avenging a loss this month to the Canucks, and other games with meaningless subplots, like LA avenging the fact that it's an ugly city.

Stay iTuned today, we've got some new stuff to throw at you. You can throw it back to us in the comments. "Dad? Wanna play catch?" Love that line.

Y'all missed out on some goooood eatin'.

Greetings PK'ists! I'm back from the wild west. What a crazy weekend. First up was the Habs game in Music City Tennessee. Watching a hockey game with guys with cowboy hats was interesting to say the least. The Preds play at Bridgestone Arena, in the heart of Nashville. Cross the street and there are bbq joints, cowboy boot stores, and saloons lining the sidewalk. They even have a machine blowing fake snow at the entrance of the building. I was always the first to say that cities like that should not have NHL teams. I was fine when Atlanta moved and support the idea that the Coyotes should relocate to Quebec city or anywhere else north of the border. But I was impressed with the fans in Nashville. They're loud, they're proud and they know the rules, unlike the bozos in Tampa and Florida who still get explanations on the big screen about what icing is. And unlike our rivals in Boston and Philly, people were actually congratulating us for winning?!? Hot Damn! Southern hospitality at its best.

As for the on ice analysis, another good effort by the team. We needed the win and got it. Anytime you take 2 points from a game versus a top tier goalie, you don't complain. Especially when you start your back up. But I don't wanna talk about the game. That's old news. I wanna talk about Hab Fans. I always expect to see Quebecers in Habs jerseys when attending a road game. The faithful are always ready to travel to see the team, so that's no surprise. What impressed me was how many non Quebecer Habs fans there were. Who knew we had allies in Nashville, Memphis, Kentucky and Texas! Talking Habs with a dude with a southern twang was definitely a first for me. "That Jack Martin is overcookin' my grits". Classic.

I followed up that experience by catching the Cowboys-Bills game on Sunday in Dallas. That, my friends, was an incredible experience. The Cowboys slaughtered the Bills 44-7. You think the Habs are a marketing machine? Think again. That stadium is ridiculous. Concessions every 10 meters, so clean you can eat off the floor, a 60 yard wide big screen and 925 souvenir shops that sell everything from bbq covers to eyeglasses with a Cowboys logo on it. The Stadium itself is something to see. And thank god for it, because I'd rather watch Jacques Martin press conferences all day than spend another minute in Dallas. No kidding there's no state income tax. It's the only way to get people to live there. That and the BBQ. Holy shit do they know how to cook a pig. I ate pulled pork for breakfast lunch and dinner and brushed my teeth with bbq sauce. Yeeeehaw!

So that sums up DC's trip to the west. Tune in next week when I catch the Habs game in Nigeria.

The Morning Bell on Wednesday November 16, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Bob Costas

You've got to imagine that the Florida Panthers are the surprise team of the NHL. Last night they went into Dallas and managed to get third string goalie Scott Clemmensen a shutout. 6-0 win.

Markov continues to practice with a "don't get near me" jersey. He'll probably play in the Canadiens alumni game in 2037.

More frustration around the league about the Lucic hit on Miller. Strangely though, Carey Price agrees with Shanahan about the league's decision to not suspend the Boston forward. Shanny, your custom made cowboy hat should be arriving in the mail soon.

Habs suit up against Cole's Canes tonight. Another big game in light of the back to back scenario with the Habs in Long Island tomorrow.

We tip our cowboy hats to Bob Costas for exposing a feeble and pathetic Jerry Sandusky for who he is. Why his attorney would allow his client to expose himself on national tv is a mystery. The court of public opinion may have rendered its final judgment.

4 Discusses 4%: Sabres 3 - Habs 2 (SO)

Finding a way to lose. Playing scared. Falling back on a lead. Pending doom after an early goal in the third. That's what a nervous and insecure team plays like.

Playing a failed power play system. Choosing the wrong guys to shoot in the shootout. Failing to instil a sense of confidence in the players that would allow them to overcome adversity or better yet, see beyond its existence. You have to ask yourself why Jacques Martin does what he does, stubbornly.

Pleks at the point hasn't worked. PK on the second wave of the PP makes no sense at all. Darche on PP boggles even the neophyte's mind. Cole not shooting after playing lights out all night. Where is your feel for the bench? Where is the intuition?

What is the game plan? Why is a team ravaged by injuries responding with this defeatism? Why do Dan Bylsma's Pens march ahead when their big guns go down? Because the moral authority Bylsma brings to the room transcends it. Jacques Martin seems to be threading a steady brochette of disgruntled stars, not athletes willing to sacrifice their bodies for a system and person they believe in.

Bylsma took over from a flailing Pens team after Michel Therrien failed to rev their engines sufficiently. The boys responded by winning the Stanley Cup. A coaching change in Montreal will not bring a championship to the city, but it will turn the team's fortunes around. There is far too much talent to let these players entrench themselves in mediocrity.

When have you last seen a player in Montreal will himself through a maze of players they way Cole does? The funny thing is...we have two of them now because Max Pacioretty is the real deal. Cammalleri looks like he wants out of the city. Gomez has come to die on this team and now the bug has hit Gionta. How many players are losing their way under this coach?

It's been a PP and Halak-Price team. Martin can't claim credit for either. The cracks are starting to show and the voice behind the bench has lost its resonance, because the players have stopped believing in a message that has ultimately hurt them.

Jacques Martin's Canadiens sit back on third period leads and play with fear. They play small - even when they've played 2 great periods, they play the third not to lose.

The Habs had no business losing last night's game. A couple more losses like this and the season will be over. Not because of the lost points, because the players will have completely bought into the perception of their fragility, beyond the point of repair.

Fix it now and avoid the major reconstruction work. There is plenty of time to do some damage. The organization simply must decide what can of damage it chooses to inflict.

Fire Jacques Martin and wish him only the best in his future endeavours.

The Morning Bell for Tuesday November 15, 2011 Celebrates 4 Wise Men

Today's honorary ringer: Joe Frazier

Montreal poopoos over a 2-0 lead in the third and comes out on the wrong end of a shootout. An abomination? Hardly. A mild irritant I would say but these thorns tend to pile up and after a while you start to lose patience. Getting there.

Quiet night elsewhere in the NHL as other teams closed out their games going into the third period with a lead.

The Champ paid respects to his Thrilla companion yesterday. Boxing is in shambles today. Quick: who's the heavyweight champion of the world now? Exactly. The legends of yesterday are slowly fading.

Congrats to our 4 HHOF inductees: Ed Belfour, Joe Nieuwendyk, Doug Gilmour and Mark Howe, son of Gordie, son of hockey god Apuckpollo.

And a heartfelt screw you to our 2 HHOF inductees who broke yours truly's teenage heart on a balmy spring evening in 1989.

And a Super Sized may you make love to yourselves to the HHOF board for wetting the tempur-pedic bed on the Pat Burns induction that never was. Shame on you.

SIRI-SLY, PK - A Week In Review

We launch a new segment today that will focus on PK Subban, finally. We are the PK'ISTS after all. So who better to review PK's performance every week than the person who's on everyone lips, SIRI, Apple's voice recognition assistant. Given the choice between the iPhone, Android or Blackberry we would bet our livelihoods on PK being an apple man. SIRI is honest and capable. She's a true friend and nobody could review PK with more sincerity. Also she can tell you where to grab a good burrito, outside of Canada.


PK: Siri

Siri: Yes, Pernell.

PK: Can you read my messages?

Siri: One moment...you have one message from Coach Martin: "You're late you lazy fat ass". Do you want me to reply?

PK: Uh, yes.

SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, I don't understand "uh".

PK: Yes reply.

SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, i can't seem to find "uh" in your contacts. Would you like me to create the contact for you?

PK: No. Reply to Coach Martin.

SIRI: Ok, I won't reply to coach Martin.

PK: For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told!???

SIRI: Ok, your message "For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told" is ready to be sent to Coach Martin. Would you like me to send it?

PK: NOOOOO!!!!!

SIRI: Message sent.

PK: My God.

SIRI: I don't believe in God, unless you believe Steve Jobs to be God.

PK: It's alright Siri. I don't want to get riled up. Can I ask you? What do you think of my October?

SIRI: Ok, one moment...The Hunt for Red October was a motion picture released in 1990 starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin who played Jack Ryan.

PK: Siri, listen girl. My October. Pernell's October.

SIRI: One moment...Pernell's October started slow. Statistically you were on track with last year but you weren't the player you were by the end of last year.

PK: Ok, yeah I got the feeling I was a bit behind.

SIRI: Coach Martin called you fat ass, but you don't have a big behind. Would, you like me to email Coach Martin about your issues with him telling you you have a big behind?

PK: No, Siri. That's fine.

SIRI: Ok, one moment. Your message to coach Martin "Listen ass wad look who's talking?" is ready to be sent.

PK: Cancel! Cancel!

SIRI: Message sent.

PK: Jesus Siri!

SIRI: Thank you, Pernell. Just Siri will do. I don't believe in Jesus. Unless you believe Steve Jobs is Jesus.

PK: You think I've come around? I spun wheels around the Predators for Patches' goal on Saturday right? I feel like I'm in my prime and playing like it too.

SIRI: There are 4 restaurants near your location that serve Prime Rib steak.

PK: Huh?

SIRI: Would you like me to read you your personal stats?

PK: Yeah that's nice of you.

SIRI: One moment" Pernell Karl Subban. Born May 13, 1989, shoots right. 0 goals, 5 assists in 16 games. You had 14 goals last year. You can do better. You have registered 50 shots this season. That means....one moment...you have shot like a douche 50 times.

PK: Great.

SIRI: If you say so.

PK: I've got to start shooting straight. I've got to pick up the pace.

SIRI: You are on pace, Pernell, for 0 goals, Pernell.

PK: That's no good. I can do better. But I feel better. I'm not coughing up the puck as much.

SIRI: One moment....There are 3 hospitals near your location to treat your cough.

PK: What cough?

SIRI: One moment...you have a message from Coach Martin. "PK! GET IN MY FUCKING OFFICE RIGHT FUCKING NOW".