Showing posts with label pk subban. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pk subban. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

On the Verge


You may have noticed by now that we are the Mahatma Ghandhis of blogging.

We protest by blogging silently - and by that I mean we don't write at all. 

Why must it be this way, you ask? Supply and demand. The basic, most fundamental rule of economics. Make them beg for it by making it rare. No one cares about commodities. I'm not lining up for flour or another Dave Matthews concert tour. 

Hopefully, by posting 3 times this season, we have amassed millions of fans who are all now parched with gaping mouths ready to suck on every drop of text we provide.

That could be the reason. Or it could be the 43 diapers A-Rab and I change per hour. No - we haven't made a child together, although I suspect we would get on well if we had. He's a loving man and I make excellent cassoulet, but we do not yield to that wondrous Macklemore Same Love persuasion (we do celebrate the men and women who do - anyone who raises a child should be given an honorary pen or pony). No, my co-blogger and I had children 10 days apart a few months back, both our second child. These babies protest the idea of sleep with the conviction of the LA Clippers at centre court. And so they have muted our pens.

Our first borns have taken to their new sibling with the warmth of a middle eastern peace summit which has made for some complicated and time consuming problem solving. They too are responsible for our reclusive ways. 

But this is Habs Bruins. And it's Game 7. And if not now, then never. And let it be known here and now: our next post should be on the eve of the New Hampshire Republican primaries in the 2016 US elections. 

A few years back, we put this site together because we knew what kind of player PK Subban was going to become. 

He is the best defenceman to play in Montreal since Larry Robinson. He is the most charismatic player to wear the CH since Patrick Roy. He plays every night, every shift. At times, he can be accused of overplaying the game and every shift. Until last month, the awe in this regard was contained to this city; Montrealers knew what they had and with every attack on PK's defensive mindset or hockey sense we cried foul, because PK's natural talent and willingness to be all-world were indisputable. Duncan Keith and Drew Doughty don't turn the puck over? Ever? 

Because of PK's brash demeanour, he is judged by different standards and that's fair - but it should be the opposite effect. Don't judge him for the vocal way he carries himself on and off the ice - embrace his passion for the game and the fact that he is so compelled to shatter the mold of the ever so bland, restrained and almost apologetic hockey player. Celebrate his revelling in the spotlight because that's what sports mythology is built on - players who want the ball, the puck, the at bat when the game is on the line. Players who aren't afraid to ask for it. And who execute when they do. 

Subban was on another level against Ottawa in the first round of the playoffs last year. Game 1 stands out as one of the most inspiring displays of hockey I've ever seen. 

But what PK has done this spring is altogether jaw dropping. The numbers speak for themselves but they only paint a portion of the picture. His energy is limitless, his desire to win is uncharted. He won't yield. Even down 4-1 against Boston in a listless Game 5 at TD Garden, he makes it a point to serve notice on the Bruins with a deafening slapshot beyond an overwhelmed Tuuka Rask at the end of the game. His way of saying, this is not over.

Against the Boston Bruins, PK has been legacy building. This is the most intense rivalry in the NHL, one of the most storied in sports. To give it its proper depiction, the stage for this series is larger and more daunting than the Stanley Cup final - that's how engrossing this duel is. It takes a special breed to rise to that occasion. No skater on either team has managed to make the kind of impact PK has on this series. He is the best player on the ice, he possesses the best and most accurate shot (something Zdeno Chara has not managed to accomplish thus far in the series), he has a thrilling attitude, he delivers in the clutch, and he does nothing to shy away from this impossible level of competition - on the contrary, he invites it. 

The amazing thing is through it all, PK has been forced to address new attacks on his status as a black player in the NHL. Of course, this is not the despair of a Robinson living in a state of emotional isolation as he broke the colour barrier in baseball, but it is a distraction as a result of a hateful view of his race - and nobody who has been a victim of racism is impervious to it. There is that spin that PK must address from time to time, that a player like say Sidney Crosby or Jonathan Toews will never know or be obliged to fight through. That makes PK Subban an inspiration as he continues to collect accolades in the face of violence.

This Canadiens team is young and promising. Yes we may realize what we have when this is all done. Much like in 93 when the dark horse Habs made us realize that, hey, Damphousse, Muller, Bellows, Roy Schneider, Leclair, Desjardins - that's a stellar lineup, no kidding they took the cup home.

And it may all end tonight with these Habs taking huge steps to becoming a force in this league for years to come.

The nice thing is that either way, win or lose tonight, unless PK takes a page out of Donald Sterling's book and rants about how he doesn't want his girlfriend to bring white people to Habs games, we no longer have to live with the PK complex. We no longer have to convince the league that they should be paying closer attention and try to see what we're seeing. It is now evident.

PK on the ice speaks for itself - but in case you're unsure, the best quote in the NHL will be verbose enough to remind you how anti-generic and special he is. 
  

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Homeland Night in Canada



During last night's Habs-Devils hockey game, PK Subban offered two Hanukah gifts to Carey Price by making hugely successful last second sprawling reaches to turn away two pucks headed over the goal line.

No, neither Carey nor PK are Jewish and this is too bad because had they been, the surely would have been singled out by Ron Maclean and his new fondness for Jews, not to mention Jewish lawyers. It's too bad PK and Carey aren't Jewish lawyers because that would have nailed them a spot on the HNIC intro segment.

Leave it to Ron Maclean to segue into the Rogers Deal by invoking the legacies of Trudeau, Ugandan refugees, Paul Henderson, Muslims in the world, Gary Bettman, Jewish lawyers, Gary Bettman the Jewish lawyer, ziploc bags, popsicles, pregnant monkeys and windshield washer fluid.

Ok, back to Habs-Devils. I mean really, was Maclean next planning to equate the Rogers NHL deal to the signing of the Oslo accords between a very Jewish Rabin and an excessively Muslim Arafat? Ronny, baby, looks like PK wasn't the only one prone to reaching.

Habs-Devils, last night. For crying out loud, Ron, are you expecting Nadir Mohammed and Gary Bettman to duke it out on Homeland next season? Is Brody supposed to infiltrate Rogers headquarters to report back to Mossad, the agency Gary Bettman has covertly been heading for years now? Is Rogers not in fact the largest Al-Qaeda cell in Canada? Isn't that why they call it a "CELL" company because it's a "TERRORIST CELL".

If Ron Maclean was trying to make a point about how important it is to reach the divide, and yes it was good that this point was made, I would have thought it an opportune moment for he and Don Cherry to act out a scene from Syriana, with Cherry getting his nails pulled out and Maclean wearing a turban. That would have brought the message home.

In invoking Bettman's Jewish heritage and the fact that the commissioner is a lawyer,  I'm surprised Maclean didn't just go out and say it, "the deal had to be made, because Jews and Muslims now get along, Bettman is a Jewish lawyer, and hey, what can I say, Jews just love money. Let's take it upstairs to Jim".

Ay caramba. I mean who are we to talk. We're a blog about PK Subban and we never blogged when PK won the damn award on which this whole site is predicated. Zero cred, I know.

What can I say. I'm just another Jewish lawyer, trying to get by. Now someone go find me a Muslim to make me a billionaire. And someone get me a drone before Amazon snatches every fucking last one of them.


Monday, March 25, 2013

PK for Passover



We've done this before.

Here and here.

We are told that divine intervention altered Carey Price's career like no other phenomenon could.

Lately, we have felt that PK could use a little guidance, like young Carey did, back in the day. So we called up the big Man himself (or Big Woman if you are of the persuasion) and had a meeting set up at Hurley's on Crescent.

Happy Passover everyone. Enjoy the constipation.

PK arrives at Hurleys:

PK - Hi - I have a reservation for 2. I'm meeting someone. He may have arrived. About 6'3, 220. Long flowing hair, heavy grey beard. Cane, not sure but he may have a limp, which explains the cane.

Waitress: Sorry, your guy hasn't arrived. You can wait at any table. Where do you want to sit?

PK: Doesn't matter - maybe try to avoid sitting me next to a metallic object or anything that is conducive to lightning.

Waitress: Your teamate Alexei Emelin is here - wanna wait at his table?

PK: Hell no! Emelin's got a metal plate in his head. That shit can bounce lightning off me in a flash.  Sit me the fuck away from Emelin.

Waitress: What's with this lightning thing? Is this a weird phobia?

PK: God no! Oh shit, I take that back.

Waitress: Just sit in the corner PK and I'll bring your friend over when he gets here.

Rumbling sound is heard.....tremor is felt throughout the establishment

Lord:  Pernell Karl. Reveal yourself!

PK: I'm right here!

Lord: I know, i just get a kick out of saying that EVERY TIME.

PK: Where are you? I can't see you. I can hear you but I can't see you.

Lord: Where am I? You call yourself a top-6 defenceman? That's the point Pernell Karl, you gotta know where people are at all times WITHOUT seeing them. You think I gave people eyes for sight? No, no, Pernell Karl, I gave people eyes to draw attention away from their noses. I'm not satisfied with the nose, it wasn't my best creation. Could never get the patent right. The design is flawed.

PK: I understand.

Lord: Do you really, Pernell Karl? Do you? Cause by the looks of things, you say you understand, but you don't really. Your head's all like "yeah, I dig it" but your brain's all like "fuck that shit, I don't get it".

PK: What are you trying to say?

Lord: You need some guidance, Pernell Karl, for the love of Me. You need to follow some simple rules. 10 of them, and they need to be sacred.

PK: I'm all ears.

Lord: Now the ears I'm proud of. That's a complex body part. Layered.

PK: Mine are funny looking.

Lord: Take that back.

PK: I take it back.

Lord: 10 rules Pernell Karl.

1 - THOU SHALL NOT HOP LIKE A JEWISH GRASSHOPPER DURING THAT COLDPLAY SONG BEFORE HITTING THE ICE. It's a distraction and gives Desharnais whiplash.

2 - THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO PLASTER EVERY MOVING PLAYER ON THE ICE WITH THE HIT TO END ALL HITS.

3 - THOU SHALL DO THE TRIPLE LOW FIVE. JUST DO IT.

4- THOU SHALL HOLD OUT IN 2015. YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR FAMILY, PERNELL KARL. THOU MUST FEED THOU'S FAMILY. THIS IS WHAT I TOLD LATRELL SPREWELL. I TOLD HIM TO WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND THE SITUATION. BLING BLING, PERNELL KARL - AND I DON'T MEAN CHURCH BELLS RINGING.

5 - THOU SHALL CALL HAL GILL AND MAKE AMENDS FOR THE ENDLESS BABYSITTING THOU MADE HIM DO. Actually, scratch that, he needed the practice for Sergei Kostitsyn, who I would have left in the hay to be raised by cows if he were my son.

6- THOU SHALL BE GENTLE WITH THOU'S BROTHER IN BOSTON. JUST KIDDING! I KILL ME. NO, SERIOUSLY, THOU SHALL ALWAYS HIT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. ARE YOU KIIIIDDDING ME!! ARE YOU FOR REAL? WHERE DO I COME UP WITH THESE?! THAT'S 6-DAY QUALITY RIGHT THERE.

7- THOU SHALL INVEST HALF OF NEXT SEASON'S PAYCHECK IN A PRIVATE EQUITY FUND CALLED PKIST FINANCIAL. THOU SHALL NOT ASK QUESTIONS. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

8- THOU SHALL ACCEPT CIRCUMCISION AS A RIGHT OF PASSAGE AND IN HOMAGE TO MAX PACIORETTY, THOU SHALL GO THROUGH CIRCUMCISION DURING TV TIME-OUT OF RANGERS GAME ON SATURDAY AND NOT MISS A SHIFT.

9- THOU SHALL NOT PLAY HOCKEY ON SATURDAYS. NO, DAMN YOU'RE DOING SNIPPY SNIP ON SATURDAY....OK WEDNESDAY - SNIPPY SNIP ON WEDNESDAY.

10- THOU SHALL PASSOVER THE PENGUINS IN THE STANDINGS.

PK: That's it? Those are the rules?

LORD: Those are the rules. I like you, Pernell Karl. You remind me of my nephew who performed for my son's 33rd birthday party. In fact, Pernell Karl, what you don't know is that you are descendant of this great man. My nephew's bloodline extends through generations and generations...to you. Lets watch it together:





Friday, March 22, 2013

Gallagher Quits Team Over Goal Dispute and Boredom Brought on by Listless Placental Mammals



No he doesn't.

Ok, so we spent the evening last night over at Montreal Hockey Talk debating whether last night's win over the Islanders was important for the team's psyche.

I thought the game meant very little. I was alone in thinking this. I felt isolated. Cold. Rejected. Corey thought the game could have created a tailspin with a loss in Long Island and two potential back to back losses to the Pens and Bruins.

Nick Murdocco and Coach K believed it could play with the team's morale. Steph Darwish leaned more towards my beliefs but a full conversion would have implied a change to Judaism and she resisted at the thought.

The game, however nice the win was, meant absolutely nothing. It wasn't going to affect the team in the playoffs - they weren't going to face a game 7 in Boston with a nagging "shit, we couldn't beat the Islanders" pecking their minds.

Another loss to NYI would have just been par for the course - an anomaly in an otherwise perfect season. So what, they couldn't beat the Isles, couldn't get up for a game against the league's least charismatic franchise- I mean we're talking the charisma of an armadillo. A dead armadillo.

But the boys didn't have to make it a debate after all because after a slow start, the Canadiens just took the game away from the Islanders and created the score that restored common sense in the universe. Gallagher's balls were as bouncy as ever and PK continued to make a strong case for the Norris and a cameo in the next Modern Family. He is a modern hockey player. It's a fit. Stop arguing with me.

The Habs have won 20 out of 30. 20 out of 30. And yet they still face the possibility of finishing 4th. It's the kind of season it's been. Crazy streaks with teams zeroing in on opposition faced over and over in this abridged season. Believe my friends, believe. This team will make spring and the early summer memorable - either in the shape of a deep run or a huge flameout. Bet on the former.

Tomorrow is the last game of what has been an easy 2-week stretch in both opposition and time between games.

As of March 26 in Pittsburgh, it's a new chapter in a more condensed, more difficult schedule. And a back to back Pens-Bos was more than enjoyable last time so we look forward to the week ahead.

Nice to finally leave the armadillos behind.

*thank our amazing Golden Girl for the pic.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

LIFE OF PK


I can't believe my story went straight to DVD.

I mean, my whole life, I've been happy, content, and then in a split second, on a Carnival cruise last month, my life became a living hell.

Something happened on the ship. The boat hit a wave and the tilt disconnected the cable service. No Netflix, no WI-FI. A nightmare by anyone's standards. I did what any sensible human being would do. I threw myself off the boat and swam for dear life.

But I wasn't alone. Like the Bruins that have tormented my soul since I entered the league, a bear who too could not tolerate the inhumane conditions on the ship also jumped off in the hopes of a better fate. Those damn Bruins. Here I am tearing up their goalies and what do they do? They draft my brother Malcolm. What am I supposed to do now? Make mama cry?

Anyways, some helpless internet-less soul on the boat probably witnessed the situation unravel because before I knew it, the bear and I were both making for a lifeboat that had been tossed over.

"Richard Park! Swim Richard Park, you can do it Richard Park!"Crap! I just invited a full grown bear on a lifeboat with me! What was I thinking?!??

Richard Park was an enormous beast, - a famous bear from the Boston Zoo - and all his presence did was constantly remind me of Zdeno Chara. What luck. For days, I refused to leave the tarpaulin in the hopes that I could outlast Richard Park, my Asian bear, but alas, the will of Richard Park was strong.

How could I defeat the bear?! I could barely outlast the Bruins and this was just a re-enactment of my failed fortunes. I figured it out though. By my calculations, we would be rescued in 7 days. The "What to do if you're a shipwrecked professional hockey player" manual in the boat came in very handy. A person needs to drink 4 days out of 7 if he is to survive. Drinking for 3 days during this period will be fatal.

Simple.

Richard Park would not deny me my fluids, nor my intake of raw fish. Man can't live without his sushi. It was a gruelling task, trying to tame the bear for seven days. Most days, I felt he wasn't even that thirsty, I personally felt he was embellishing. He looked hydrated to me.

Whining, whining, whining, that's all Richard Park would do. And then one day he had had enough and tried to break my head across the bow. Totally against castaway rules. "No, Richard Park! This is my boat! This is my head! You will not claw me to my death! Do you hear me Richard Park! Do you hear me you ugly bear!!!"

Richard Park was not amused. I knew that this bear would go to the extent of his convictions. A few years back, Richard Park had been invited with the rest of his zoo-mates to the Whitehouse to put on a show for Sasha's birthday (or was it Malia...). Richard Park refused. The animals all put on a great circus act but Richard Park stayed home, protesting the President's treatment of Asian bears and Asian actors in Judd Apatow comedies. He posted his views all over Facebear.

Richard Park was a serious creature. But I found ways to defy the odds and I drank my ration of fluids 4 days out of 7.

But it took 7 days. And I was running out of tricks.

On the seventh day, with a few seconds left before sundown, I had to do something. Time was running out. And that's when I caught a glimpse of the strangest thing. This enormous bear, for all his massive girth had the tiniest penis. "Richard Park! Your penis is so small! Look at your little bear penis, Richard Park! Look at those little balls!" Richard Park didn't like that at all. It agitated him. He protested more than ever before. So I decided to pull out the all-important penis measuring rule from the castaway playbook. I measured Richard Park's penis. It was indeed tiny by bear standards. The bear knew it. I knew it. Richard Park was defeated. He threw himself off the lifeboat.

The story of my survival is a harrowing tale. But a bear with penis envy is condemned to a life that makes a Carnival cruise seem like a ...(how the hell do you even finish that sentence...)

Monday, November 14, 2011

SIRI-SLY, PK - A Week In Review


We launch a new segment today that will focus on PK Subban, finally. We are the PK'ISTS after all. So who better to review PK's performance every week than the person who's on everyone lips, SIRI, Apple's voice recognition assistant. Given the choice between the iPhone, Android or Blackberry we would bet our livelihoods on PK being an apple man. SIRI is honest and capable. She's a true friend and nobody could review PK with more sincerity. Also she can tell you where to grab a good burrito, outside of Canada.


PK: Siri

Siri: Yes, Pernell.

PK: Can you read my messages?

Siri: One moment...you have one message from Coach Martin: "You're late you lazy fat ass". Do you want me to reply?

PK: Uh, yes.

SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, I don't understand "uh".

PK: Yes reply.

SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, i can't seem to find "uh" in your contacts. Would you like me to create the contact for you?

PK: No. Reply to Coach Martin.

SIRI: Ok, I won't reply to coach Martin.

PK: For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told!???

SIRI: Ok, your message "For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told" is ready to be sent to Coach Martin. Would you like me to send it?

PK: NOOOOO!!!!!

SIRI: Message sent.

PK: My God.

SIRI: I don't believe in God, unless you believe Steve Jobs to be God.

PK: It's alright Siri. I don't want to get riled up. Can I ask you? What do you think of my October?

SIRI: Ok, one moment...The Hunt for Red October was a motion picture released in 1990 starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin who played Jack Ryan.

PK: Siri, listen girl. My October. Pernell's October.

SIRI: One moment...Pernell's October started slow. Statistically you were on track with last year but you weren't the player you were by the end of last year.

PK: Ok, yeah I got the feeling I was a bit behind.

SIRI: Coach Martin called you fat ass, but you don't have a big behind. Would, you like me to email Coach Martin about your issues with him telling you you have a big behind?

PK: No, Siri. That's fine.

SIRI: Ok, one moment. Your message to coach Martin "Listen ass wad look who's talking?" is ready to be sent.

PK: Cancel! Cancel!

SIRI: Message sent.

PK: Jesus Siri!

SIRI: Thank you, Pernell. Just Siri will do. I don't believe in Jesus. Unless you believe Steve Jobs is Jesus.

PK: You think I've come around? I spun wheels around the Predators for Patches' goal on Saturday right? I feel like I'm in my prime and playing like it too.

SIRI: There are 4 restaurants near your location that serve Prime Rib steak.

PK: Huh?

SIRI: Would you like me to read you your personal stats?

PK: Yeah that's nice of you.

SIRI: One moment" Pernell Karl Subban. Born May 13, 1989, shoots right. 0 goals, 5 assists in 16 games. You had 14 goals last year. You can do better. You have registered 50 shots this season. That means....one moment...you have shot like a douche 50 times.

PK: Great.

SIRI: If you say so.

PK: I've got to start shooting straight. I've got to pick up the pace.

SIRI: You are on pace, Pernell, for 0 goals, Pernell.

PK: That's no good. I can do better. But I feel better. I'm not coughing up the puck as much.

SIRI: One moment....There are 3 hospitals near your location to treat your cough.

PK: What cough?

SIRI: One moment...you have a message from Coach Martin. "PK! GET IN MY FUCKING OFFICE RIGHT FUCKING NOW".