"I am warning jew Tangradi, I had more than Juan burrito before the game!"

¡Ay Caramba!

Randy Ladouceur: Listen you you little as&*?%$!!! Even if  I have to drill it into you, you'll do it MY WAY. 

Escott: Frankly coach La Dulce, I no think there is mushroom for improving it. I do it as bess I can! 

Randy Ladouceur: I don't like the cut of your jib Selena, in fact I'm fu*%$ sick of your bull&?!!!!

Escott: But la familia Gomez has been doing it like this for generations with exquisite results!

Randy Ladouceur: Exquisite? Even my  housekeeper Adriana can do this better than you!      

Escott: Well my abuela Maria could do it better than jew and she only had Juan hand!

Randy Ladouceur: Now you listen to me you little chiwawa, I'm going to repeat this one last fuc&? time so pay attention: FIRST, you soak your beans for AT LEAST 24 hours. THEN, you heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and add your rice and beans. THEN, you cook until puffed and golden and voilà BITCH, ARROZ CON FRIJOLES MOTHER FUC&*?%!!!!

Escott: Hay dios mio Raul! Thank you so mach! I was too hungry to realize I had todos los ingredients, the order and the timing completely wrong. 

Randy Ladouceur: It's ok mi hermano. You'll learn eventually. Good job on that drill by the way! 

Escott:  Gracias for the recipe Ramon. I came close to instant-anusly poisoning the hole team.      

¡Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!

Jueves, 9 de febrero 2012.

Dear di-ay-ay-ay-ay-ary,

Esta noche in Jew-niondale, my Reasoner finally gave way to my passion. At 9:50 of the third period, I Grabnered an opportunity to shoot the puck Streit at the goal, and saw it go in off the post as easy as uno, dos, tres hundred and sixty nine. Jess it is true, “No Escore, Only Ass-Cyst!” was the Mottau I had decided to adopt. But orphan in life, jew Reese a point where jew feel Neiderriter wrong because confusion is Eaton jew up inside. 

Dr. Fox Mulder had told me not to escore to avoid injury. My ass-cyst explosion was eslowly allowing me to penetrate the anals of history of los Canadienses. But every time I taco a player or touch the puck, the crowd at the Centro Taco Bell would start jeering me on so loudly that it sometimes brought tears to my eyes. ¡Hay Caramba Montréal! Jew being so contempt and excitated to see me play lit up that Juan part inside of Escott that cannot stand the smell of the-feet. ¡Jew made me feel totally shellfish about not using my escoring mussel!

So today, I decided to break out of my shell on Long Island: “I can no longer clam up and pass it! I must crab every opportunity to fill the net!” I said to Dr. Fox Mulder and Coach Cunny-Bunny rigtht before the game. The look of approval in their eyes was instant-anus. I was worried at first as I had left my especial Mexican escoring estick at home. But luckily, Juan Montoya De la Santa Maria Cristobal de la Concha del Valle Cristian Pedro Tavares lent me one he keep for me in queso emergency. 

I have to admit it to jew diaryea. ReLeaf won’t come just Jet even though my gol tonight was of Capital importance. Good for Patio-Ready and his sombrero trick. Dios mio! No goal, no ass-cyst and menos uno for him the game before? Jew would no want to see El Niño get himself in some sort of never-ending drought. As Poo-Key would say, brochure can't let himself Go, mez-merized by his own past success...       

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - Episode 3

Episode #3: ¡Dentro del fuego, hay fuego dentro! 

Escott Gomez, having returned to action but still unable to “crack the piñata”, is feeling the pressure of a dismal season and choking back tears while suiting up to face the Red Wings. The friendly defenceman sporting #61, with whom Escott shares a language and sometimes a jock strap, notices his distraught counterpart and tries to help him get his game face on.      

Rafa Diaz: ¿Why jew cry ay-ay-ay-ay Escott? ¿Is it joor colossal failure in the fighting of the bulls or the fact that jew have lost both joor papito and joor ability to escore? ¡Habla conmigo Escott! As jew expand on joor feelings, jew will successfully establish permanent settlements of these conflicts here on this territory we occupy. 

Escott: Gracias amigo. All these questions dance so mach in my head. I cannot let disco in order to completely  fuck-us out there on the ice. I get Saturday Night Fever every time coach Cunny-Bunny doesn’t Travolta with the team. This endless season never seems to Get Shorty in this Mad City. It's so hard to Be Cool with all the fans sarcastically yelling “You're a real Phenomenon Old Dog!”  ¿Do jew think they can see the fear through my Eyes of an Angel each time I take a Face Off? Do jew think they can see I'm barely Staying Alive?

Rafa Diaz:  If it Alps you to know Escott, I can be completely neutral and honest with jew. If Alaska the guys on this team, for sure they can see jew are only playing at Juan percent intensity. For sure they notice jew are not sharing Juarez on joor mind. For sure they can see jew are sweating too mach, joor face all Palin like someone being Trumped by his primary fears. All these clear signs they can read on joor face Escott, they do not library well.

Escott: ¡Hay Caramba! If they can see the war inside of me, then I must spic the truce to them. I feel like la Virgen de la Macarena Cheez Whiz me tonight. I will spread her positive message so that me and my massive celery don't take a dip down to the minors. I must tell the team that tonight, I will be dressing for the game to lettuce chews victory over the wings. Otherwise, with so mach at steak, I will cracker under the pressure.    

Rafa Diaz: ¡Talk to them now hombre and estop making me so hungry!   

Escott climbs on top of a table in the middle of the room and starts to address the players who have gathered after the warm-up. 

Escott: Dear compañeros, winning as a hockey team is yust like the politics. Jew need a big and estrong caucus that can handle huge loads of important decisions, as well as aim it's pearls of wisdom at a clear target. Since coming beck, it has been impossible for me not to notice the massive erection of so many divisive walls in this room. In an effort towards achieving everlasting piss amongst us, I will now drop the load I've been holding in for way too long, as I esplain myself to jew.      

Erik Cole: Can you explain why soon I’ll have done my taxes twice since you last popped one in? (the whole room bursts out laughing)

Escott: Jess I can Enrike, and after the truth is out there, I hope you will want to believe: right before I come beck, Dr. Fox Mulder warn me that too mach escoring could cause a muy grande fracture to my Scully. Dana he suggest I no escore no more, soda after a full two year recovery, I surprise the Centro Taco Bell by making a Sombrero Trick. Jew know, yust like the Mexican detective Columbo! (dramatic organ chord)  

Rafa Diaz: ¿En serio Escott? ¿Yust like Cristian Jorge Del Valle de la Concha San Miguel Juan Sebastian de Francisco de Columbo?

Escott: ¡Jess my adorable Swiss fondue quesa-Diaz! The Columbo es yust like Escott. He let everyone believe he estupid, but sudden... ¡Boom! He catch the killer as easy as Emelin catch the STD in Tijuana.

Mathieu Darche: Correc Gomaize, but if you do not do the goal for another year, veux-tu bein m’dire quessé qu’tu vas faire s’a glace calisse?

Escott: Didn’t understand a word Mad-jew. But here’s what I will not do: Escore. True. But also, I will not call jew a bunch of losers like Camel-hairy who wooden chair the puck...

Carey Price: ...mighty fine good start my little Mexi-can't! But please don’t be causin no more stampedes in this here room cause we been battening down the hatchets all year long over here!   

Escott: ¡Priceless words my Precio-so! There is no sense having a Broke-back trying to turn beck the Mountain of time that has passed. ¡Cher with me joor concerns! ¡Help me Carey the drim of getting back on the rodeo to more satisfying relations in this room! (Escott winks at Carey)

Carey Price: So how do we rustle this up?

Escott: Muy simple. If there is a problem, we taco-bout it right away. ¿Jew no like my Mexican music full blast? Just say to me “Escott, turn off discrepancy if we can find some cuntry music on KY103!” ¡Yust like Selma Hayek covered in jalapeños, the new Escott will be espicy and flexible! 

PK: Mmm...I love em’ spicy and flexible. Met this fine gymnast once in Belleville...mhm! One fine a...

Escott: ...fine is right Poo-key! ¡We will all be fine and we will win, because from now on, I will lead the Canadienses with a record number of ass-cysts! 

Max Pacioretty: I think it's great that you want to be an asset again. Butt will your ass-cysts help us around the back end as well as up front? (the whole room chuckles)

Escott: Patio-ready raises a good point. Jew can turn all my juicy ass-cysts into many explosions of puss-abilities to escore. This will bring the instant-anus result of infecting the hole team with the massive ball of fire that hides between my rosy cheeks. A fire that burn so deep and estrong, just like that one road trip when we all had the Jari Kurry chicken at the Wayne Gretzky restaurant.

Andrei Kostitsyn: Andrei miss Toronto trip. How hot fire will be Komrad Scottsky?

Escott: ¡Hay Dios mio Andres! ¡A fire so hot it could melt all of Siberia, freeing all of your relatives from the Goulash! ¡A fuego with so match burning, it would even make coaches Pearn and Martinez all fired up! ¡A fire so wild, coach Cunny-bunny would barge inside the room all bilingual and say “Holy smokes baby, someone please pacifier extinguisher to me now! Sortie de la chambre tooth-sweet!  A fire so...

David Desharnais: ...on a compris ostie d’tabarnak!

Escott: ¡Jess! Quite-a-knack, Escott have with the words. So now, we must all Hudler together and summon the great espirits of San Cristobal Huet. As we all pray anguish to make the playoffs, I’m alone every man in this room my especial stick. It was hand carved in Mejico with a rock, dipped in salt and worm lemon juice especially for me Tequila the Red Wings tonight.  (the room goes completely quiet) 

Josh Gorges: So what now Scotty, should we tap your magic stick for good luck or something?

Escott: ¿Que pasa Jorge? Did jew contract some long term disease? Datsyuks that jew would erect this Kronwall right at the Helm of my espeech. On this Eave my Gorges teammate, I will not be the Abdelkader of the crown I have earned as your King of the Ass-Cyst. ¡So touch my blessed wood now so that we may re-Kindl our playoff drims!

Josh Gorges: You're out of your fuc...

Rafa Diaz: ... so how should we touch joor Holly-wood in order to end it all in a climax of victory?

Escott: ¡Muy simple! Each player must grab it hard and rub it it tight between his hands. These will be the strokes of genius that will lead us to the 25th coming of the Lord Etsanley. So do it! Do it soda we can olive to see another day! Do it for the children who drim of....Wait! Where did everybody go? ¡Wafer me! ¡Wafer me! ¡Hay dios mio! ¡It worked! ¡My espeech was so excitating that they all  had to hit the ice half-assed as possible!  

FIN DE LA TERCERA PARTE

Will Finding his Muse make Escott See the Light?

Share your thoughts with us and stay tuned for our next installment of

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - 

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - Episode 2

Episode #2: Que la gloria vuelva

Escott Gomez, no longer physically injured but demoralized by recently having discovered that the man who raised him may not be his biological father, is soaking his worries in Tequila and mumbling to himself at his favourite Mexico City Alaskan 70’s Disco gay bar, Taverna IditaRod Stewart. The friendly Barkeep Camarero, aware of Escott’s recent debacles, is keeping a watchful eye.

Escott: Palushaj-ay-ay-ay-ay...I juiced to have so many Gorges drims but I rectum all. Judo know what can heppen en la vida. One day, jew are day bess Mexican-Colombian on ice that’s not a dead body from the drug war, and the nest day, no papito, no coontry and all the people they throw rocks at jew in the street. La vida cheese no worth living! No guey! One more botella de Tequila Camarero!

Camarero: Escott my fren! Tranquilo! Eslow dow! Jew no want to leave here so drunk someone taco jew so hard jew pass out industry. If jew really want to restore joor pride an honor, all jew need es... (dramatic organ chord) Salazar.

Escott: ¿Javier Manuel Rodríguez Miguel José Sánchez Manolete De La Baptista Aroza Carlos Salazar?

Camarero: Correcto Escott! Only the most famoso Torrero in the history of Méjico can give you the training so estrong and estra-añus that it will sin falta make you a hole new men! I Anchorage jew to estart with him mañana.

Escott: ¿Mañana ?

Camarero: Si! Mañana! Salazar is a busy men. Jew no want to see the opportunity to train with him go pasteurize like every single puck since cinco de febrero 2011.

Escott: Lo siento Camarero but I can no do this. Ever since Papito made me shoot my favourite sled dog Pepe because I miss practice, I can no estand so mach cruelty toward animals. I was at a PITA rally with Habibibulin just last thirsty shouting: “Subban the bull fight! No more kill White seals with Blunden objects! The Diaz of overfishing Camalleri are over!” We Campolied there all night to prove our point until this cop come entice me up to a tree...

Camarero: ¿Reelly? ¿En serio? If jew think jew can save the Bulls, urine over your head. Even if you want to marry this cause Escott, you cantaloupe tonight!!

Escott: Ice chest playing with jew pendejo! I have no love for the Bulls, I love this-purse too mach!

Camarero: So come with me Escott, wheelchair a taxi to my tia Racial’s place and mañana the Bulls will know Juarez joor name. The fear in their ojos will be instant anus.

Just as they are about to get into their taxi, Escott and Camarero suddenly feel a gust of wind and are blinded by a pure white light.

Camarero: ¡Hay dios mio! Es la Virgen de la Macarena coming to Grant Hugh the power to the-feet da Bulls.

Escott: Jew are rye! The Virgen will give me the moves like Jagr and the wisdom like Great-Ski.

Camarero: ¡But wait Escott! ¿Jew hearing that sound? ¡Es un helicoptero with the shoe of the horse representating the rancheros de todo Méjico!

Escott: ¡No Pendejo! Son los Gloriosos, los Canadienses coming to bring me beck!

Camarero: ¡Harry harry Escott! Que tu gloria vuelva, major drims come beck...major...

Escott: (interrupting) ...there is no time for es-peaches and Pekkas on the cheek. Tell Salazar I will be beck. I will no Rene on my promise to fight the Bulls, but I must go to Esteve Nashville to Carey the team Under my wood. Do not Waylon and Wynette for my departure as I must play my Parton in a Swift victoria contra los Predadores (even more dramatic organ chord).

FIN DE LA SEGUNDA PARTE

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - Episode 1

Special to the PK'sists by your new blogger, El Conkistatdor. 

Episode #1: Mi hijo tu hijo...

Escott Gomez, his papito Carlos and mamita Dalia are sitting in the family living room. As the Univision commentator for Esta Noche Gigante de la Chinga de NHL, Pedro Barrio, starts calling the play in Ottawa, Escott, adorned in a full upper body cast is venting to his papis about his current condition.

Escott:  Buday-ay-ay-ay-ay papito... I no billeve estaying with you toonight en la casa otra vez. I escore big gol contra los Senadores in the drim I have anoche. It feeling like años I no play. I no no si los Canadienses wafer me coming beck.  

Papito (furious and choking his son) : Ekk like a men Escott!!!  A men!

Escott: Papito estop, pleeze!  I can no brief..., my Luongos are burning too mach!   

Papito: You Escott a no deserve to brief. Lers Hitler can brief.  Max Patio Ready can brief. Even Mad You D’Archay  can brief.  But Escott Enrique Hector De la Hoya Hernandez San Martin Cabral Colombo de la San Sebastian Gomez  no brief…. until Papito say you brief.  

Mamita: Lay Escott go Carlos! Lay her go! Carlos por favor no!

Papito: I can no shut the bishop! Mamita, this is none of you concern!

Escott: I saw sori I am decent-point you mamita... but I do my bess.  Numero Onze allwez do his bess! There is no murshroom for no doing his bess in la familia Gomez.

Papito: Liver a loan Escott. Chicken cry all day for you. You no day bess. You broke  your mamita  corazon when you esell herpes of homemade lemon cake for marijuana and now you a killer una vez mas with this no escore no moore, no eplay no moore.   

Escott : I so sari. I P.K’d con los Diablos. Moorayal Canadienses no so eessy.

Papito (pensive and downing Tequila from the bottle): July to me Escott. July to me that Moorayal, Quebec and Guadalajara is esame climat. July to me wen jew say jew still super estrella in dissa league. July Escott. Jew see what jew do to your mamita. Now I kill jew Escott. Jew are no my son. Jew are no my son. Jew must go back to restore family honor and fight de bulls back home in Mexico.

Mamita: Correcto Carlos! Lo siento mi amor!!! 

He must fight the bulls! Before Escott you so fast! Nobady can cashew. Today, you eskate slower than Mexican police crackdown in Tijuana...And one more thing, Papito (with dramatic organ chord playing in the background), Escott....iss.... nott... joor son !!!!

Pedro Barrio (interrupting):  

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooollll.... Lers Hitler gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool   Lars Hitler Riquissima mamita la maradona de gol!!

FIN DE LA PRIMERA PARTE