Perry Pearn What Were You Thinking!

Molson: You guys see how many empty seats in the stands last night?

Gauthier: It wasn't so bad.

Molson: It wasn't so bad? Are you fucking crazy? Do you know how many hotdogs I brought home in a doggy bag?

Gauthier: They give you those?

Molson: I paid for them, who else they gonna give em to? Until someone pays 12 bucks a pop for them they've got my name all over em.

Gauthier: This team needs a boost. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should call a press conference and say some weird shit again.

Molson: It's that freaking Perry Pearn man, HE'S KILLING ME!

Gauthier: Pearn, really? I don't think he's got that much of an impact.

Molson: Are you kidding? He's our special units guy.

Gauthier: Yeah, and our special units are real special. I'm very attached to them.

Molson: What the fuck are you talking about Pierre. Don't give me that weird press conference shit again.

Gauthier: Ok, I agree, we need to shake the boys up, getting rid of Perry will scare the pants out of them.

Molson: Good stuff, but there's more. I want someone from the training team to randomly turn off the lights  in the room at some point today while the guys are suiting up. Maybe one of the trainers even screams boo! Scare the shit of the boys and get their heads on right. That'll set them straight for the season.

Gauthier: What?

Molson: Then, I want you guys to carve a hole under the long dining room buffet table and have a guy pop out of the spaghetti serving bowl and scream Boo! and scare the shit out of the players. Fuck that'll show these guys to slack off.

Gauthier: This is your idea of motivating the team?

Molson: I used to take honey out of a bee's ass to make the honey ale when I was a kid, Pierre. I told you that before.

Gauthier: Geoff I'm really confused and my head's starting to hurt.

Molson: Fucking Perry Pearn. You know I caught that cheap bastard using a Samsung tablet? At the rate we pay him he couldn't even get a first generation iPad? You know he still uses BETA video to work on reviews with the players? I hear he even asked PK to play with sunglasses on the point to freak the other team out.

Gauthier: Who told you this?

Molson: Mathieu Darche, he tells me everything.

Gauthier: Last week Pearn was playing poker with the other assistant coaches and he goes all in with a Jack-10, off suit. Who the hell goes all in with that hand? I'm telling you he was killing this team.

Gauthier: That's not a bad hand...

Molson: You know what did it for me? He brought a bouillabaisse to a pot luck at our house last year. How the fuck are we supposed to eat that? Bring me a salad, a cake, a chicken for god's sake!

Gauthier: What's a bouillabaisse. Does it taste like coriander? I don't like coriander much. Never cared for the stuff really.

Molson: Hey Gauthier! WAKE UP! We've got serious issues here and you're talking to me about coriander?! Get down there and fire Pearn's ass.

Gauthier: Will. do.

Molson: But offer him another job within the organization. Tell him we want to keep him on as a cook. That bouillabaisse was fucking delicious.

The Lost Boys - The Only Game Review that Matters

I reckon that a few hours before the home opener against the Flames, Geoff Molson rallied his marketing team at the Bell Centre offices.

It probably went like this.

- Molson: Lookit, the game starts in three hours and we got no opening ceremony.

-Random staffer: Yeah, Geoff, we've been trying to tell you for weeks that we have to get..

-Molson: SILENCE! (imagine him sounding like Ian Mckellen there). We've got a ceremony to prepare and it's gotta be perfect! The years past have been awesome. That 24 theme with Jack Bauer with Kiefer being all kickass Jack and stuff, wooooo! And the awesome music over the years, U2 and the Killers, just instantly recognizable great stuff. And what about the montages. The home to rink one a few years back or last year's comic book strip. Man those were too good. Well we've gotta be that good today.

- Random staffer: Any ideas?

-Molson: Where's Ray Lalonde?

-Staffer: He doesn't work here anymore.

-Molson: What the fuck!?

-Staffer: You didn't know he left?

-Molson: Focus people. We've got a major show to put on here.

- Staffer: What's our budget?

- Molson: Seventeen dollars. You've got 3 hours and 17$ to set up the best damn opening bit this city has ever seen. Now that's the best working conditions I've ever heard of. When I was a kid I used to make honey ale by extracting honey drops right out of a bee's ass. It hurt like hell. Ok first things first, what kind of music do we use?

- Staffer: Arcade Fire's big right now, local gig, Grammy win..

- Molson: I GOT IT! We're gonna play a song by INXS!

- Staffer: Really?

- Molson: Fuck yeah really.

- Staffer: Which one? Bitter tears, I need you tonight? Suicide Blonde?

- Molson: Never heard of em. No, we're going to play a song from INXS from the soundtrack of the movie the Lost Boys. It's called Good Times. Kiefer was so badass in that too!

- Staffer: What?

- Molson: Yeah and for the montage, we're gonna take the old home to rink clip the team shot a few years back and you're gonna photoshop the heads of the old players like Saku and Kovy and shit and replace them with today's boys. People are going to FREAK OUT! It's gonna be so cool.

- Staffer: Geoff, I don't..

- Molson: Shushh, I'm on a roll here. Then I want you to tell Michel Lacroix to introduce the players in totally random fashion. No alphabetical crap, and don't get me started on numerical order. Just toss the names in a bag and throw the players out on the ice in the order the names pop out. Totally hip stuff.

- Random staffer: And where do the players line up?

- Molson: In a circle like last year.

- Staffer: Should we tell them where to stand.

- Molson: Are you freaking serious? The guys know how to stand in a full circle. Ok that's it. INXS, song only I've ever heard of, Lost Boys, rehashed montage, perfect circle at centre ice! 17 bucks, 3 hours. Man I've got goose bumps.

Editor's note: We're pretty sure the Lost Boys theme had a trickle down effect. Habs looked somewhat foggy, Flames looked sharp and Kiefer Sutherland's ego was stroked gently. 4-1 and Calgary made it look easy. Driving home during the third was a no-brainer. Just like opting for Good Times by INXS from the soundtrack the Lost Boys, a movie that came out in 1987, a year where nobody cared about the song Good Times or the movie the Lost Boys.