Boredom Incarnate

Man it's gonna be a terrible week.

We've got nothing to say. Nowhere to go.

Thursday night - we'll all be wishing for the Thursdays of old. Cheers, Cosby Show, Night Court. What a lineup that was.

Is there a Diane Sawyer news special on Thursday?

We joke.

It's on.

Habs are division champs. We don't care. We don't do division banners. We don't do conference banners. We don't celebrate the uncelebratable. That's not a word, I know.

Habs-Sens. Never meant as much as it does today. Never. The pairing takes on a whole new dimension. And there are many dimensions to contemplate.

And so we begin tomorrow. Our march of the Sens begins.

We'll see you tomorrow. Grab us a coffee if you get here first.

Here's what we learned last night.

You hear that?  That's the sound of all the doubters doubting themselves.  The Habs pulled off something not many people thought they could last night.  Beating the Leafs was always a possibility.  But smacking them down, grossly outshooting them and not backing down 1 inch when they got in our faces, was not anticipated at all.

Looking forward to the playoffs, we find ourselves waiting to find out which Canadian rival we will face.  The Leafs, who everyone was scared of facing don't seem to be so big and bad anymore.  The Sens are trying to find themselves with the return of their Norris trophy winner.  Personally, I don't know who we should want to play.  The reason I'm leaning towards the Sens is that we might as well win the division and secure home ice for as long as possible, but when it comes to the first round, who knows.

But let's get back to the grade A asswhipping our boys laid on those Leafs.  Outshot 28-17, outscored 4-1.  And in a "statement game" that could very well serve as a playoff preview, they reminded the Buds that they are the better team that will not get pushed around.  Specifically, a few players deserve honorable mention.

1) Lars Eller.  Remember when that looked like a horrible trade?  No more.  The kid has finally blossomed into what I like to call, the shit.  He is now the shit.  He's big, he's fast and he's got soft hands.  And that my friends, is what we call, the shit.

2) Brendan Gallagher and his balls of steal.  In his final chance to convince the voters that he is Calder worthy, the kid morphed into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  And trust me, you don't fuck with a mutant turtle.

3) Andrei Markov.  Aside from 2 shitty penalties, the old bastard showed he's still got gas in the tank with a 2 point night. He proved he didn't need the rest many thought he did.

So tonight, we'll all be watching and hoping.  Hoping for what? Fuck if I know.

Habs Lose 7-3, mushroom cloud visible all the way from Toronto

Rob a bank.  Have an orgy without a condom.  Punch a cop in the face.  Do anything you want.  Because the world is about to end.  Habs lost 2 in a row.  Carey has no idea what he's doing.  Desharnais looks like a blind quadriplegic dwarf.  Pacioretty is MIA.  Sell all your possessions and go to Vegas.

But come back in June when they're in the finals.

Carey Price Beats Habs All By Himself

Alone, he did it alone.

All by himself.

No one else helped.

No one lent a helping hand.

Like a big boy.

"Can I help?" said PK.

"No no I got this" said Carey.

Thanks a bunchy bunch, Carey.

I am Scared of the Capitals - but I knew that

You knew the Habs would be in trouble against the on a mission Caps.

You knew Ovie would remind us that he can be the best in the world when he's not in full party mania.

You knew the Caps could look like a contender if their sum was equal to the greater sum of their parts, 'n shit.

This is what the NHL is all about. Catch a wave late in the season and ride the momentum into the playoffs. Are the Capitals contenders to the throne?  Pretenders? Middle of the Road? You dig?

You also knew that the Habs wouldn't let Eau de Vie run away with it. Even after Washington's back breaking third goal in the third period you knew the Habs would rally. Or at the very least give it all they had before conceding the points.

You knew all of this. So why did you watch the game? Think of what you could have accomplished in three hours.  A Godfather, a game of Battleship with a two-year old, the introduction of any Fidel Castro speech. Put up the blinds, change the batteries to that garage door opener, buy a garage door opener. Read Camus.

You could have been reading fucking Camus.

But no - you had to watch what you knew would happen.

Assholes. All of us.

I'm an asshole.

Ligamente y pomodoro

This picture was taken by the surgeon repairing Alexei Emelin's knee.

This one is of Gallagher's knee.   It doesn't make any sense but I couldn't help myself with the balls.

NHL gets ready for Epic Battle. Colorado at Phoenix. It's on.

The marquis matchup in the NHL tonight has the Phoenix Coyotes trying to get within 2 points of the 8th and final playoff spot in the west.  The entire state of Arizona is talking about how much they don't give a shit about hockey.  Several white and Hispanic retirees have already mentioned that if the Coyotes move, they will probably not notice and go back to their Bingo nights.  The governor of Arizona is so fed up with illegal immigration, that she has told all Canadian players on the Coyotes to get the fuck out of her state.  They'll be in tough with the visiting Colorado Avalanche standing in their way.  Colorado is the worst team in the NHL.  3 of their 6 defensemen learned how to skate backwards within the last 2 years.  If this match up doesn't get you hard or wet depending on your gender, you can always watch Washington at Florida.

There are no other games of note tonight.

Let's go 'Yotes!

Game review: Habs beat ex-leader of garbage division

Montreal continued to rack up points last night with a much needed win over the Jets.  They kept their perfect record against the southwest division intact.  11-0-0 I believe.  Now they are a feces infested division, but going undefeated in 11 games is amazing no matter how you look at it.  The Winnipeg Jets are doing something incredible.  Something nobody in the world of sports ever thought possible.  They are making the New York Jets seem like a model franchise.  They might as well drop the name and call themselves the Winnipeg Boeing Dreamliners.  If you don't know what a Dreamliner is, pick up a fucking newspaper once in a while.

Michael Ryder continued to make Rainbow Socks look like the president of Mensa with another 2 goal performance.  You can tell he's playing for a fresh contract.  He's always been a sniper but he's finding new ways to score every game.  Beautiful shots, garbage rebounds, anything goes with Ryder this year.

Peter Budaj was once again the best backup in the league, in a league where Luongo is a backup. And some black guy on defense became the top scoring blueliner in the league.  He also shares the lead for the top power play point getter. As in there is no other NHL player with more power play points than him.  And he's doing it having played 6 games less than everybody else. AND, who does he share this lead with?  A certain Andrei Markov.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???  2 defensemen on the Montreal Canadiens lead the league in PP scoring??  This is a league with Sidney Crosby, Steven Stamkos and Alex Ovechkin.

Other scorers were Brian Gionta's nutsack and Alex Galchenyuck, who showed flashes of brilliance last night that we haven't seen in this city since Kovalev played like he gave a shit.

Today is a well deserved day off for the boys as they prepare for the Bruins and their newest member, Mick Jagr.

TripleLowFive mofos.

Game preview: Habs play leader of garbage division

I don't have time to preview this game.  Habs play the Jets Thrashers.  This team has regressed back to being the shit franchise that left Atlanta.  Now don't get me wrong, they can still beat us tonight.  They've got some talent and a good goalie.  But they're shit.  They lead their division and have less points than the 9th place Islanders.  Shit.

Budaj gets the start
White is back in
Plekanec is out
Pacioretty is a game time decision

Jets are shit.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Ro....fall off

Come on now!

You've got the 2 points bagged. In a bag. You deposited 2 points in a bag. A plastic bag, with the twizzly ties. They are in a bag and ready to be transported on the plane.

Or you had the points in a duffle bag and you zipped it up ready to be loaded.

A paper bag with 2 points in it. Awesome, the points fit snuggly in there. They look happy.

2 points you worked not so hard to get - but you got them anyways. In your hands. Done deal. And then you put them in a bag and you can take that bag with you to do what you wish with it.

And what do you do?

You emptied the bag, turned it upside down and let the points spill out.

Opportunity wasted. These are peculiar points because once they're out of the bag you can never put them back in. They are uni-directional points. The bag doesn't accept repeat deposits.

But you knew that, and you took them out of the bag anyway. Really, why would you do that.

All I've got for you is the bag analogy. I want to remain in Metaphoria right now. Speaking about things literally, at this point I have no desire for this. Like I had no desire to watch the bewildered crew in red last night back themselves into a corner.

8th loss in regulation. Chill pills are on the counter ready to be washed down with some soda.

After the Habs beat the Boeings tonight.

Habs have 14% chance of winning the Cup.

So let's get real, it's 2:15 pm and there are absolutely no signs Rainbow Socks is gonna make a significant move.  And why should he?  Don't forget, he's in this for the long haul.  His goal is to keep the team competitive for as along as possible and the Habs are not 1 player away from being Stanley Cup favorites.  They are just as likely to win it with what they've got than with goalless Ryane Clowe.  So why give up your picks for a 3rd liner UFA?  I'd roll the dice with our line up (+ Bourque and Diaz hopefully) and either pile up our young talent or trade those picks at the draft for a better pick or a player under contract.

Pittsburgh was already the runaway favorite to win the east.  Nothing new there.  They lost Sid for the rest of the season but they have a big enough lead to probably coast to the #1 seed and he'll be back for the playoffs.  No matter what move Bergevin makes, he'll never be favored to beat the Pens (on paper of course).

Boston made a move for Yaga but they just lost Bergeron.  They've been struggling lately and if you're Bergevin, you know you can beat them with what you have.

The Habs have kept winning despite Bourque and Diaz going down.  Overpaying for a rental player makes no sense at this point.  He's playing with house money so why mortgage the future to increase your chances of winning by 2%?  If you're wondering how I got to 2%, here it is in layman's terms.  Yes, you're the layman.

First, I established the chances of the Habs winning it all at 14%, then, I figured that if they trade 2 of the 3 2nd rounders for a roster player, that will go up to 16%.  How did I get to those numbers?  I put on a plastic glove and dipped my hand in KY jelly.  Then, I inserted my index finger and thumb directly in my rectum.  In one swift move, I pulled out the number 14 right out of my ass.  I followed that up by adding the number 2 to it.  Voilà.  16% Science at it's best.  I should be a teacher.

Trade Centre - Breaking News #1

Crickets heard flatulating.

Let them eat Canes. Habs beat Hurricanes while PK and Gally make moves for Norris and Calder trophies.

How spoiled am I.  The Habs won for the 23rd time in 35 games.  That's a .657 winning percentage.  Yet I was slightly bored with the game last night.  As my servant fed me grapes and fanned me with peacock feathers, I found myself hoping the game would end faster so I could watch storage wars.  It was a bit of a snoozer if you ask me, but the result is what counts.  Chalk up another win for the Habs.  It's like saying: Thanks for the diamond crown.  Throw it on top of my pile of money and get the fuck out of here.

Nevertheless, the Habs stayed perfect against the Southeast garbage division.  By beating the Hurricanes  they are now 10-0 versus that putrid division.  Now since the readers of this blog are hockey connoisseurs,  I'm not gonna waste your time with analysis of the game.  You saw it.  You know who won.  You know who played well.  What you may not have noticed is that our man PK now shares the lead in scoring among NHL defensemen and our boy wonder Gally is 4 points back of the rookie scoring race.  Let's start with PK.

If after all this guy has done, if you still don't think he's an elite defenseman worthy of a Norris nomination, I'm sorry to inform you that you very well may be a racist.  This guy skipped training camp, and went to live with his parents.  He literally woke up off his parent's couch, tied his skates and DOMINATED the NHL.  Who the hell does that?  28 points in 29 games.  Take a guess at who's got 27 points.  Ilya Fucking Kovalchuck, that's who.  Mr. $100M.  So if leading the league in scoring and being an electrifying player is not enough to be nominated for this trophy, then change its name to the Yandle trophy.  Given to a pretty good defenseman that nobody cares about. And enough with the bullshit that he doesn't play enough minutes.  He's piling up all these points playing 3-4 minutes less than Suter.  How does that not make it even more impressive?  And he's doing it in the most competitive division in the league.  Plus, he hits like a motherfucker while getting booed in every building outside the 514. Give him the fucking trophy now you bastards.

And what can I say about Mr. Gallagher.  Everyone knows how I feel about him and his testicles.  They grew another couple of pounds yesterday with another solid effort.  I might as well stop calling his games a solid effort.  It's not an effort.  It's Gally playing hockey.  It's the only way he knows how.  He too is now in the conversation for a major award.  Nipping at the heels of Huberdeau for the league lead in rookie scoring.  The only difference is he plays 3.5 minutes less per game and happens to be a plus player. He also does all this with 2 grapefruits in his jock.  Incredibly uncomfortable.

So the Habs fly to Philly later today to take on the Flyers.  They are still hanging around the playoff picture so they'll be ready to go.  No doubt the Habs will be too.  Except Kaberle.

TripleLowFive to all and to all a good night.

Follow me @AlexRabbat for more genius comments.  Seriously, follow me now. I can't accept having less followers than a set of @GallyGonads.  Do it. now.