Having Fun Everyone?

ok good.

....

Carry on.

What's a black guy gotta do to get a contract around here?

Did you ever wonder what is going through this young man's mind? Don't bother wondering. I'll tell you exactly what. Don't ask me how, but I was able to implant a microchip in his brain. It took a while to get close to him and I ended up having to give him a roofie but it was totally worth it. This is the transcript that was generated from the experiment:

PK: How the fuck does everybody on this team get a deal before me? I play 30 minutes a game, become the defacto #1 defenceman on this team and for what?? To watch fuckin' Franky Boullion get his before me? Motherfuck Franky Boullion. I swear to god, if Darche gets a deal before me, I'm going to the AHL. The African Hockey League. I'm sure they run things better than the circus going on here. I don't even know why I bother with this team. They're gonna pay Gomez 8 million to score 2 goals while I go out there and bust my ass every night. I invented the triple low five for Christ sake. You think that kind of innovation grows on trees? Fuck this. I want 9 million a year.

Why on earth is this taking so long? Does anybody doubt this will eventually get done? No. So why piss him off in the process and risk losing him for spite? If he ends up signing a one or two year deal, the guy is gonna bolt the second it's over. This kid is the real deal. Pay him and move on. We overpay for half the assholes on this team, so what's the hold up?

I stand with you Pernell. Fuck the PO-lice.

More thoughts on the New Coach

It's been 24 hours. I've watched a full season of 24 since we last spoke and now have a fresh new take on the situation.

Millions of people will die if Bergevin doesn't reverse his decision, disarm the nuclear warheads, assassinate Tarakamov the obscure Lithuanian President, destroy the virus, escape from a Mexican war lord's cave and boogie with the President of the United States to the sounds of Diana Ross by 2pm today.

Simple.

Also, there is a huge component to the Therrien hiring: knowledge. Therrien has been watching the Habs for a year through his vantage point at RDS. He has seen things from afar. Crawford doesn't have that perspective, which of course didn't disqualify him, but still, he didn't spend a year dissecting every period this team played.

That's an enormous advantage and you can imagine it translated into a far more detailed interview when Therrien entered Bergevin's office. I would even think that Therrien is more knowledeable than Bergevin on what ails the team. That has to reassure a young GM with no experience.

I'm thinking that had I been in Bergevin's shoes, I would have done the same. And I would have done everything in my power to fly back to North Korea to steal the nuclear codes from that evil empire.

All in a day's work.

Habs Complete Shakeup, Name Therrien Head Coach, Reimburse Crawford Rosetta Stone Books

When asked to conjugate the verb "marcher", Crawford stumbled at the 3rd person singular. Then the past participle of the verb "vendre" did him in. Fate sealed. Le clou dans le cercueil. The nail in the Yakupov. Despite the long hours Marc Crawford has logged in French lessons, ce n'était pas suffisant. 

Michel Therrien has been here before, the first time around virtually unknown outside of the province, and frankly speaking, with the team at his disposal upon his arrival, he did alright. He did so much dirty leg work in Pittsburgh you have to admire the process he put the young Pens through.

Doug Collins worked hard to bring Michael and the Bulls to a tipping point. That ran its course because it requires immense habit changing philosophy. It's an exhausting and at times thankless process. Bylsma walked in and pushed a well oiled machine over the limit. Much like Phil Jackson did with the Bulls after Collins was fired. 

Therrien was behind the bench when Saku Koivu made his rousing return to Montreal after a terrible fight with cancer. He managed to steer that team to a playoff spot despite having the captain sit out all but 3 games. He coached the last useful legs out of Doug Gilmour who looked like a 25-year old in the first round against the Bruins that year. No coach got more out of Richard Zednik. The Therrien team played with some jam. With Theodore in nets, at the time the best goalie in the world, the Habs were, at the very least, enjoyable to watch. 

What the Habs could have done in the spring of 2002 had they held on to that Game 4, 3-0 third period lead against the Hurricanes will always be a matter of speculation. It was a meltdown of incredible proportions and Therrien was at the heart of it, taking an ill-timed bench minor that lead to the Canes' stirring comeback. 

In that twist, the best and worst of Therrien can be found - capable of coaching a young team to good heights with inspiring and gutsy hockey, and yet berating to a fault and capable of losing a room, the only room that you can rely on for survival in your coaching career.

We won't go over what we think of the language debate immersing itself into the recruitment process. It is what it is. But the question one should ask is - was this the best guy given the pool Montreal has afforded itself. It's impossible to say - for 2 reasons. We do not know how Therrien has evolved as a coach and we don't know how he has progressed as a person. One thing is certain, one inevitably pulls the other - in the very human, raw dynamics of coaching the more you mature the more likely the message you are trying to convey will be better formulated and received. That is if you are open to the maturing process.

Having been away from the game will give Therrien an appreciation for coaching that will entice him to tread carefully. We can speculate that his teeth will cut through the more erratic cloth of a PK, a Kaberle. His dedication to defence will help turn the D's attention towards better awareness and responsibility. His dedication to work, the most basic attribute one can hope for will give him a natural advantage in the eyes of the players and front office personnel. He's trying hard, he's dedicated to our success, let's rally around him. Because in the end, that's what it's all about - can the coach create or foster a sentiment of solidarity among the players, a belief in a system and in themselves. That belief can only be hatched out of winning - its not an artificial creation, and so the system must come first. The rest will come.

Good luck to Michel Therrien. Congratulations on an extremely well deserved reversal of fortune.

Habs leave Pierre at the altar, marry Bergevin.

All indications point to Marc Bergevin becoming the next unhappiest man in sports. It is expected that the Montreal Canadiens will announce that he will be named the General Manager later today. It came down to him and eternal Bride's maid Pierre Maguire.

Personally, I would've loved to see Pierre get his shot. Not just because I truly believe he knows more about Hockey players than anyone else, but because I just want to stop wondering what it would be like to have him run this team.

But let's not shit all over the Bergevin parade. I'm actually thrilled that the team went way out of the box and picked someone that has no past affiliation with the organization. He's held all kinds of positions from director of player personnel to head scout. He knows hockey. He speaks french (although so did Pierre). He likes strippers. He'll fit right in.

Lord knows he has a ton of work to do. We're already hearing grumblings that Scott Gomez will be bought out and there are still lots of holes to fill. So let's get behind him for the next few months. God knows we'll have plenty of time to second guess his every move after he picks 3rd in the draft.

Bonne chance Marc. Si tu ne nous amènes pas une coupe, tu seras crucifié au coin de Ste-Catherine et Peel.

Damphousse out, common sense in

So perhaps Vinny realized that he had no business being in the GM conversation. Today, he announced that he was removing his candidacy for the job. Part of me thinks it's fucking arrogant for the guy to remove himself from a job he was grossly under-qualified for, but the other part of me is thankful because the moronic Habs might have hired him.

For the last few days, the rumors have been flying left right and center. Roy wants the job but with veto power on hockey decisions. Pat Brisson has been approached. Marc Bergevin is interested. It never ends. And thanks to Molson's secret policy, it's going to be like this for a few more weeks. I for one hope they go way outside the box.

In other news, Carey Price has a concussion. This is actually not horrible news. Shut him down for the year, let him get his rest and he'll have plenty of time to reload for next year. There was no point in sending him out there for the last three games. Had this happened in any other season, it would've crippled us.

Tonight we welcome the Lightning and perhaps our next GM in Julien Brisebois. One more loss and we're guaranteed no worse than 28th overall. Go Bolts! Although I still want Pacioretty to score. How about 7-6 Tampa. Everybody happy?

79 down, 3 to go.

Well, this is it. The home stretch. 3 games to go and oh so close to the #2 pick and an 18% chance at #1. I can taste it. The Oilers helped us out last night and finishing 15th in the East seems pretty likely. It sickens me to be so excited to finish last, but it is necessary. No pain no gain. Although we've felt nothing but pain for the last 18 years with this team and have gotten no gain. Interesting...

But overshadowing our chase for last place is now the GM (and coach) search. Let's not kid ourselves. There is no way Cunneyworth is back. And not because he doesn't speak french. Have you ever seen an interim coach who saw his team slide from 9th to 15th come back? Ain't happening. So for the next 2 months, the rumor mill will be working overtime as the list of candidates for the jobs grows. The odd move in all this is the retention of Serge Savard as consiglieri. The guy is 97 years old and 17 years removed from being employed by the team. Is he really the best person to advise a president still wet behind the ears? And to make things even more awkward, he already contradicted his boss by announcing to the world that the next GM will speak french moments after Molson said he would not limit himself to that criteria. Only in Montreal could this shit happen. It seems the Damphousse-Roy tandem has the early edge and I for one am against it.

Roy as coach is ok. They guy has paid his dues in the Q and has undeniable qualities as a leader and motivator. He is a risky choice but nobody can argue his merit. He is also very skilled at ordering his goalies to skate across the ice and lay the smackdown on the opposing netminder that clearly wants nothing to do with it.

But can someone tell me what the hell qualifies Damphousse to be a GM? Because he was a player rep? Because he's a business man? Gimme a break. For once I would like this team to hire someone that other teams would consider. A guy that other teams wish they had. I don't see any offers lined up for Damphousse. There is no way he deserves to be in the drivers seat that fast. Vinny, if you wanna be a GM, go be someone's assistant for a few years and then we'll talk.

Geoff, at this point, I just hope you go with the best guy and not the most popular guy. You have a chance to set the tone to your reign as owner and president. Let everybody know that since you put up the $600M, you can do whatever you want and if the press doesn't like it, they can go cover the Impact.

Pierre Gauthier - Strange to the End

A very strange period in Habs history has come to an end.

Stranger than Juha Lind having a child with Gino Odjick.

It was as weird as it gets. To take a page out of Lewis Black's book, it was so weird that the left side of your brain looks at the right side of your brain and says, it's pretty dark in here.

The weird press conferences where almost no information whatsoever was conveyed to the media and the public, by extension. The sudden introduction of Mister into his lexicon when naming players then not only exacerbated the disconnect between the GM and the fans, it begged questions about a chronic social awkwardness that stands in stark contrast with the nature of the position he occupied. 

Unfit. Unwelcoming. Unrelenting.

There was no yield in Pierre Gauthier's cone of silence. Over time, he isolated himself to the point of alienation where only echoes of his pale voice would bounce off its lonely walls.

Darren Dregger today said that a dark cloud, a black hole had enveloped the city during Gauthier's tenure.  How damning is that assessment. Is that a brand Geoff Molson could market comfortably? 

Gauthier cut any emotional ties with the media with whom that social apprehension became pathological. He became increasingly disliked by the fans who could not thread the man into the emotional fabric hatched out of their love for a long line of wonderful people that drew a paycheque from this organization.

It this is just about the man's character. We haven't even gotten to the hockey part yet.

And there is no need to really. No point in rehashing here what you can read elsewhere. Most hockey moves were highly questionable, if not damaging to the team for years to come. Including this year, the team had a remaining invested total value of 109 million dollars in 4 of their top 6 forwards. Last week, those 4 guys together had amassed 79 points in 167 games. That's an average of 38 points per season per player. It's incomprehensible. And then the moves made concerning the blue line, in and of themselves, are all grounds for dismissal.

In the failure that he was from a hockey standpoint, Gauthier never showed any redeeming qualities that coaxed the fans into patience. They just didn't like him and in his highly spotlit position he did very little to be liked.

It was the only move to make. That post-mortem would have been a scathing exercise, and there was no point in putting the man through it. In the end Geoff Molson today became the real owner and finally arrived on the scene to make his voice heard. Strong, reassuring, emphatic with a fan base the next GM will have to cater to with a demeanour far more aware, respectful and forthcoming than Pierre Gauthier was ever able to exhibit. 

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives

So there you have it. Pierre Gauthier is gone like a fart in the wind. He leaves us with a legacy of diahrea. We've all been clamoring for this since the press conference that saw him get the job. Let's hope this is not just for Pierre. We all know Cunneyworth is gone and there's no rush to do it, but we need to see a major house cleaning on the 7th floor. Gauthier, Gainey, Jones, Fargus, all of them. Ok, so I made up Jones and Fargus, but you get the idea. They need a real fresh start.

Usually, the media never rejoices when someone loses his job. It's classless. And that's why I'm doing it. Rejoicing doesn't even begin to explain how we feel here at the PKists. We're well past joy, happiness and even euphoria. We're now bordering on orgasmic. This moron screwed this up bigtime. The trades for Kaberle and Bourque were fireable offenses. The Gomez signing was under Gainey's watch but Gauthier was our head of pro scouting, so he gets equal blame. But those moves pale in comparaison to the rage he ignites in me when he addresses everyone as Mister. That shit was infuriating.

So let's analyze the timing of this move. It's completely retarded. Classic Molson. What the hel happened in the last few weeks that convinced you to do this? We've known for months that this was a train wreck beyond repair. You should've either done this a long time ago or the day after the season. If this move jolts our players into a 4 game winning streak, I will hold Geoff Molson personally responsible. The consequence of which is absolutely nothing.

But let's not dwell on the details. Gauthier is out and we can finally start looking at the future of this team with some optimism. It was really impossible to feel any excitement about our team with him in the picture. He was a dark cloud of feces hovering over our city. He was a black hole sucking all enthusiasm out of the air.

So who's the poor bastard who gets his job?

Let the speculation begin!!

GAUTHIER FIRED!!!!

HOLY SHIT. I swear that today was the day I had set for my comeback. But then this news came in. March 29th is now an official holiday for the rest of time.

Stay tuned for reaction.