Having Fun Everyone?

ok good.

....

Carry on.

What's a black guy gotta do to get a contract around here?

Did you ever wonder what is going through this young man's mind? Don't bother wondering. I'll tell you exactly what. Don't ask me how, but I was able to implant a microchip in his brain. It took a while to get close to him and I ended up having to give him a roofie but it was totally worth it. This is the transcript that was generated from the experiment:

PK: How the fuck does everybody on this team get a deal before me? I play 30 minutes a game, become the defacto #1 defenceman on this team and for what?? To watch fuckin' Franky Boullion get his before me? Motherfuck Franky Boullion. I swear to god, if Darche gets a deal before me, I'm going to the AHL. The African Hockey League. I'm sure they run things better than the circus going on here. I don't even know why I bother with this team. They're gonna pay Gomez 8 million to score 2 goals while I go out there and bust my ass every night. I invented the triple low five for Christ sake. You think that kind of innovation grows on trees? Fuck this. I want 9 million a year.

Why on earth is this taking so long? Does anybody doubt this will eventually get done? No. So why piss him off in the process and risk losing him for spite? If he ends up signing a one or two year deal, the guy is gonna bolt the second it's over. This kid is the real deal. Pay him and move on. We overpay for half the assholes on this team, so what's the hold up?

I stand with you Pernell. Fuck the PO-lice.

More thoughts on the New Coach

It's been 24 hours. I've watched a full season of 24 since we last spoke and now have a fresh new take on the situation.

Millions of people will die if Bergevin doesn't reverse his decision, disarm the nuclear warheads, assassinate Tarakamov the obscure Lithuanian President, destroy the virus, escape from a Mexican war lord's cave and boogie with the President of the United States to the sounds of Diana Ross by 2pm today.

Simple.

Also, there is a huge component to the Therrien hiring: knowledge. Therrien has been watching the Habs for a year through his vantage point at RDS. He has seen things from afar. Crawford doesn't have that perspective, which of course didn't disqualify him, but still, he didn't spend a year dissecting every period this team played.

That's an enormous advantage and you can imagine it translated into a far more detailed interview when Therrien entered Bergevin's office. I would even think that Therrien is more knowledeable than Bergevin on what ails the team. That has to reassure a young GM with no experience.

I'm thinking that had I been in Bergevin's shoes, I would have done the same. And I would have done everything in my power to fly back to North Korea to steal the nuclear codes from that evil empire.

All in a day's work.

Habs Complete Shakeup, Name Therrien Head Coach, Reimburse Crawford Rosetta Stone Books

When asked to conjugate the verb "marcher", Crawford stumbled at the 3rd person singular. Then the past participle of the verb "vendre" did him in. Fate sealed. Le clou dans le cercueil. The nail in the Yakupov. Despite the long hours Marc Crawford has logged in French lessons, ce n'était pas suffisant. 

Michel Therrien has been here before, the first time around virtually unknown outside of the province, and frankly speaking, with the team at his disposal upon his arrival, he did alright. He did so much dirty leg work in Pittsburgh you have to admire the process he put the young Pens through.

Doug Collins worked hard to bring Michael and the Bulls to a tipping point. That ran its course because it requires immense habit changing philosophy. It's an exhausting and at times thankless process. Bylsma walked in and pushed a well oiled machine over the limit. Much like Phil Jackson did with the Bulls after Collins was fired. 

Therrien was behind the bench when Saku Koivu made his rousing return to Montreal after a terrible fight with cancer. He managed to steer that team to a playoff spot despite having the captain sit out all but 3 games. He coached the last useful legs out of Doug Gilmour who looked like a 25-year old in the first round against the Bruins that year. No coach got more out of Richard Zednik. The Therrien team played with some jam. With Theodore in nets, at the time the best goalie in the world, the Habs were, at the very least, enjoyable to watch. 

What the Habs could have done in the spring of 2002 had they held on to that Game 4, 3-0 third period lead against the Hurricanes will always be a matter of speculation. It was a meltdown of incredible proportions and Therrien was at the heart of it, taking an ill-timed bench minor that lead to the Canes' stirring comeback. 

In that twist, the best and worst of Therrien can be found - capable of coaching a young team to good heights with inspiring and gutsy hockey, and yet berating to a fault and capable of losing a room, the only room that you can rely on for survival in your coaching career.

We won't go over what we think of the language debate immersing itself into the recruitment process. It is what it is. But the question one should ask is - was this the best guy given the pool Montreal has afforded itself. It's impossible to say - for 2 reasons. We do not know how Therrien has evolved as a coach and we don't know how he has progressed as a person. One thing is certain, one inevitably pulls the other - in the very human, raw dynamics of coaching the more you mature the more likely the message you are trying to convey will be better formulated and received. That is if you are open to the maturing process.

Having been away from the game will give Therrien an appreciation for coaching that will entice him to tread carefully. We can speculate that his teeth will cut through the more erratic cloth of a PK, a Kaberle. His dedication to defence will help turn the D's attention towards better awareness and responsibility. His dedication to work, the most basic attribute one can hope for will give him a natural advantage in the eyes of the players and front office personnel. He's trying hard, he's dedicated to our success, let's rally around him. Because in the end, that's what it's all about - can the coach create or foster a sentiment of solidarity among the players, a belief in a system and in themselves. That belief can only be hatched out of winning - its not an artificial creation, and so the system must come first. The rest will come.

Good luck to Michel Therrien. Congratulations on an extremely well deserved reversal of fortune.

Habs leave Pierre at the altar, marry Bergevin.

All indications point to Marc Bergevin becoming the next unhappiest man in sports. It is expected that the Montreal Canadiens will announce that he will be named the General Manager later today. It came down to him and eternal Bride's maid Pierre Maguire.

Personally, I would've loved to see Pierre get his shot. Not just because I truly believe he knows more about Hockey players than anyone else, but because I just want to stop wondering what it would be like to have him run this team.

But let's not shit all over the Bergevin parade. I'm actually thrilled that the team went way out of the box and picked someone that has no past affiliation with the organization. He's held all kinds of positions from director of player personnel to head scout. He knows hockey. He speaks french (although so did Pierre). He likes strippers. He'll fit right in.

Lord knows he has a ton of work to do. We're already hearing grumblings that Scott Gomez will be bought out and there are still lots of holes to fill. So let's get behind him for the next few months. God knows we'll have plenty of time to second guess his every move after he picks 3rd in the draft.

Bonne chance Marc. Si tu ne nous amènes pas une coupe, tu seras crucifié au coin de Ste-Catherine et Peel.

Damphousse out, common sense in

So perhaps Vinny realized that he had no business being in the GM conversation. Today, he announced that he was removing his candidacy for the job. Part of me thinks it's fucking arrogant for the guy to remove himself from a job he was grossly under-qualified for, but the other part of me is thankful because the moronic Habs might have hired him.

For the last few days, the rumors have been flying left right and center. Roy wants the job but with veto power on hockey decisions. Pat Brisson has been approached. Marc Bergevin is interested. It never ends. And thanks to Molson's secret policy, it's going to be like this for a few more weeks. I for one hope they go way outside the box.

In other news, Carey Price has a concussion. This is actually not horrible news. Shut him down for the year, let him get his rest and he'll have plenty of time to reload for next year. There was no point in sending him out there for the last three games. Had this happened in any other season, it would've crippled us.

Tonight we welcome the Lightning and perhaps our next GM in Julien Brisebois. One more loss and we're guaranteed no worse than 28th overall. Go Bolts! Although I still want Pacioretty to score. How about 7-6 Tampa. Everybody happy?

79 down, 3 to go.

Well, this is it. The home stretch. 3 games to go and oh so close to the #2 pick and an 18% chance at #1. I can taste it. The Oilers helped us out last night and finishing 15th in the East seems pretty likely. It sickens me to be so excited to finish last, but it is necessary. No pain no gain. Although we've felt nothing but pain for the last 18 years with this team and have gotten no gain. Interesting...

But overshadowing our chase for last place is now the GM (and coach) search. Let's not kid ourselves. There is no way Cunneyworth is back. And not because he doesn't speak french. Have you ever seen an interim coach who saw his team slide from 9th to 15th come back? Ain't happening. So for the next 2 months, the rumor mill will be working overtime as the list of candidates for the jobs grows. The odd move in all this is the retention of Serge Savard as consiglieri. The guy is 97 years old and 17 years removed from being employed by the team. Is he really the best person to advise a president still wet behind the ears? And to make things even more awkward, he already contradicted his boss by announcing to the world that the next GM will speak french moments after Molson said he would not limit himself to that criteria. Only in Montreal could this shit happen. It seems the Damphousse-Roy tandem has the early edge and I for one am against it.

Roy as coach is ok. They guy has paid his dues in the Q and has undeniable qualities as a leader and motivator. He is a risky choice but nobody can argue his merit. He is also very skilled at ordering his goalies to skate across the ice and lay the smackdown on the opposing netminder that clearly wants nothing to do with it.

But can someone tell me what the hell qualifies Damphousse to be a GM? Because he was a player rep? Because he's a business man? Gimme a break. For once I would like this team to hire someone that other teams would consider. A guy that other teams wish they had. I don't see any offers lined up for Damphousse. There is no way he deserves to be in the drivers seat that fast. Vinny, if you wanna be a GM, go be someone's assistant for a few years and then we'll talk.

Geoff, at this point, I just hope you go with the best guy and not the most popular guy. You have a chance to set the tone to your reign as owner and president. Let everybody know that since you put up the $600M, you can do whatever you want and if the press doesn't like it, they can go cover the Impact.

Pierre Gauthier - Strange to the End

A very strange period in Habs history has come to an end.

Stranger than Juha Lind having a child with Gino Odjick.

It was as weird as it gets. To take a page out of Lewis Black's book, it was so weird that the left side of your brain looks at the right side of your brain and says, it's pretty dark in here.

The weird press conferences where almost no information whatsoever was conveyed to the media and the public, by extension. The sudden introduction of Mister into his lexicon when naming players then not only exacerbated the disconnect between the GM and the fans, it begged questions about a chronic social awkwardness that stands in stark contrast with the nature of the position he occupied. 

Unfit. Unwelcoming. Unrelenting.

There was no yield in Pierre Gauthier's cone of silence. Over time, he isolated himself to the point of alienation where only echoes of his pale voice would bounce off its lonely walls.

Darren Dregger today said that a dark cloud, a black hole had enveloped the city during Gauthier's tenure.  How damning is that assessment. Is that a brand Geoff Molson could market comfortably? 

Gauthier cut any emotional ties with the media with whom that social apprehension became pathological. He became increasingly disliked by the fans who could not thread the man into the emotional fabric hatched out of their love for a long line of wonderful people that drew a paycheque from this organization.

It this is just about the man's character. We haven't even gotten to the hockey part yet.

And there is no need to really. No point in rehashing here what you can read elsewhere. Most hockey moves were highly questionable, if not damaging to the team for years to come. Including this year, the team had a remaining invested total value of 109 million dollars in 4 of their top 6 forwards. Last week, those 4 guys together had amassed 79 points in 167 games. That's an average of 38 points per season per player. It's incomprehensible. And then the moves made concerning the blue line, in and of themselves, are all grounds for dismissal.

In the failure that he was from a hockey standpoint, Gauthier never showed any redeeming qualities that coaxed the fans into patience. They just didn't like him and in his highly spotlit position he did very little to be liked.

It was the only move to make. That post-mortem would have been a scathing exercise, and there was no point in putting the man through it. In the end Geoff Molson today became the real owner and finally arrived on the scene to make his voice heard. Strong, reassuring, emphatic with a fan base the next GM will have to cater to with a demeanour far more aware, respectful and forthcoming than Pierre Gauthier was ever able to exhibit. 

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives

So there you have it. Pierre Gauthier is gone like a fart in the wind. He leaves us with a legacy of diahrea. We've all been clamoring for this since the press conference that saw him get the job. Let's hope this is not just for Pierre. We all know Cunneyworth is gone and there's no rush to do it, but we need to see a major house cleaning on the 7th floor. Gauthier, Gainey, Jones, Fargus, all of them. Ok, so I made up Jones and Fargus, but you get the idea. They need a real fresh start.

Usually, the media never rejoices when someone loses his job. It's classless. And that's why I'm doing it. Rejoicing doesn't even begin to explain how we feel here at the PKists. We're well past joy, happiness and even euphoria. We're now bordering on orgasmic. This moron screwed this up bigtime. The trades for Kaberle and Bourque were fireable offenses. The Gomez signing was under Gainey's watch but Gauthier was our head of pro scouting, so he gets equal blame. But those moves pale in comparaison to the rage he ignites in me when he addresses everyone as Mister. That shit was infuriating.

So let's analyze the timing of this move. It's completely retarded. Classic Molson. What the hel happened in the last few weeks that convinced you to do this? We've known for months that this was a train wreck beyond repair. You should've either done this a long time ago or the day after the season. If this move jolts our players into a 4 game winning streak, I will hold Geoff Molson personally responsible. The consequence of which is absolutely nothing.

But let's not dwell on the details. Gauthier is out and we can finally start looking at the future of this team with some optimism. It was really impossible to feel any excitement about our team with him in the picture. He was a dark cloud of feces hovering over our city. He was a black hole sucking all enthusiasm out of the air.

So who's the poor bastard who gets his job?

Let the speculation begin!!

GAUTHIER FIRED!!!!

HOLY SHIT. I swear that today was the day I had set for my comeback. But then this news came in. March 29th is now an official holiday for the rest of time.

Stay tuned for reaction.

We're Back Tomorrow Folks, Because 6 People Have Asked us To and That Shit Is Overwhelming

Six.

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 22, 2012

Today's ringer, maybe even this year's ringer: Fabrice Muamba

Dead for 78 minutes and now resting in a London Hospital. It's an astounding story. After watching paramedics work on him for what seemed to be an agonizing forever, most of us thought tragedy had struck. Well it only lasted 78 minutes. Can you believe Muamba's luck that a cardiologist was sitting in the crowd when it happened and lead the charge on the pitch and in the ambulance. It's a story that reminds us that while we all love sports, they serve as a pale mirror of real, significant life.

The Habs played last night, but it was 30 degrees in Montreal. So while the Habs are beating records in futility, the city of Montreal is shattering records in celsius.

I would venture that last night may have been the least watched Canadiens game of the year. Meaning this post would make for the least read post of the year. So thank you, both of you, for reading this. 8th time this year the Habs have been held off the scoresheet. One more and we've got another record.

The Toronto Star is saying that GM Brian Burke may start feeling hot under his unbuttoned collar.

New York City is becoming home to the world's fundamentalist Christian athletes as Tim Tebow joins Jeremy Lin in the plight to avoid Broadway hookers and incessant Manhattan orgies. Good luck fellas.

Reports out of Montreal have it that the team will be buying out Scott Gomez. Hmmmm, on another note, I've decided to put my 11-month old son in a car seat instead of letting him ride shotgun with me. Nice job by the Habs for exacting vengeance on Tyler Myers for the hit that put an end to Gomez's career as a Hab.

Retire Tyler Myer's jersey now.

The Morning Bell for who the hell gives a shit

Hello PK'ists. I have to apologize for our effort this week. But can you blame us? What the hell else is there to say about this season? Not making the playoffs is bad enough, but not being comfortably in last place is even worse. As the Habs start flirting with the real disaster of finishing 25th or 26th, we are here contemplating what to write about such a season. We've said it all. Gomez sucks, Markov is made of paper, Desharnais-Cole-Pacioretty have been the only constant, PK finally salvaged his season, Price was good, Emelin was a nice surprise. I got nothin' else.

You know things are slow when the airwaves are dominated by unconfirmed reports that Patrick Roy will be the next coach. I wanna meet this blogger who gets people talking like that by pulling stories out of his ass. This makes no sense at all. Not because Patrick is a bad choice (god knows there is a long list of pros and cons), but because there is no way you can hire him without knowing who your GM is. You can't saddle the new GM with such a polarizing figure like #33. Pierre Gauthier better be on his way out. If he is, you can't hire the new GM and tell him this:

Molson: Hi new GM. Your coach is Patrick Roy. He's a god in this city and everybody likes him more than you. You can't fire him or tell him what to do. Come to think of it, he's your boss. He likes to be called Saint-Patrick and takes coffee black.

To make things even worse, I used to love seeing the Leafs get killed, but now, they are dangerously close to last place, so I have no choice but hope they win. This season has been pure torture.

Have you ever seen people so happy after a tie?

The impact scored their first MLS goal today in what was a great moment for soccer in Montreal. 50,000 ethnic people made the courageous journey to the big O. I guess most of them haven't seen the news lately. Are they nuts? That's like going to a game in Bosnia. You never know when a huge cement pillar will crush you like a cockroach.

If there was ever a year for the Habs to miss the playoffs, this is it. The Impact would have 4 greeks watching them if the Habs were making a push for the playoffs, or dare I say a cup run. It sucks but that's the way it is. Personally, I find soccer played outside the World cup and the Euro is insanely boring. There's something about wating 90 minutes for a goal that doesn't sit right with me. And the fact that some guys are walking. But hey, that's me.

In any case, let's enjoy this moment. It will probably be a tough season for the Impact, and that's to be expected for any expansion franchise. I fully support them, although I ain't dragging my ass all the way to the east end to watch them.

What's the point??

The point. Such a simple concept. You get two for winning, none for losing. Unless of course to lose in overtime. Or the shootout. That's why Americans hate this game. Would you ever start following a sport if your local team's record was 25-16-7-9??? Who the hell has time for all that analysis.

Speaking of points, let's discuss how a few measly points could spell the difference between a successful shitty season and and an unsuccessful shitty season. The Habs banked another useless point last night by having the game go to OT. Remember when this season was a disaster but we were at least comfortably in 28th place with a good shot at 29th? Well those days are over. The recent moronic successes of this team has tightened things up. We are no longer in last place in our conference and just a few points separate us from 25th place. So instead of the silver lining of a top 3 pick, we will get a much riskier top 6 pick. And all for what? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with wheat buckall.

Tonight is the biggest game of the season. WE HAVE TO LOSE. For the love of god, just lose. Play Keberle 58 minutes and put Blunden on the first line. Pacioretty in nets and Cole a healthy scratch. Do whatever it takes, but stay in the basement of the eastern conference. With 10 games to go, we can easily find ourselves with the 7th or 8th pick in the draft, and that would be tragic. We have a chance for a fresh start, don't screw it all up for a mirage.

I swear on my life, if the leafs have a better pick than us in the draft, I will go on a murderous rampage.

Happy St-Patrick's day, Motherfuckers.

Now That's What I'm Talking About

In case you weren't sure.

Montreal Skips Over Spring - The Morning Bell for Friday March 16, 2012

Today's ringer: 19 degrees Celsius

Get ready Montreal, the only remedy for no playoff hockey is summer weather.

Montreal has decided to skip over spring. No hockey playoffs, no spring weather - nope we climb right into the twenties as of this weekend. It's like Mother Nature has been thrown off kilter by the Habs performance. That was the only purpose to spring to begin with, these playoffs.

We got a taste of what that special playoff vibe feels like over the weekend. 6:30 pm last Sunday and it was nice and bright out. That usually accompanies the stir of excitement and butterflies in your stomach as the Habs would be set to take to the ice in an all-important game of a 7-game series. It's more than unfortunate that we don't get to feel that for 2 years. Maybe more.

The only way to get over that is by jumping right into summer craziness. So whatever happens, as of this weekend I want you all to parade around the city in your best thong. Man or woman. We're all going to be in thongs.

Other games in the NHL last night? Sidney Crosby comeback? Unless the Kid was playing in a thong I don't wanna hear about it. The Flames making a good push for a playoff spot? Unless Tanguay changes his name to Thonguay, I'm not interested.

It's summertime, Montreal, and it's time to party.

Don't forget, 30 cm of snow next Thursday.

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 15th 2012

Today's honorary ringers: David Desharnais's balls

How big are this guy's balls that he feels he can fuck us over like this? You're small and you're good. We get it. Now stop fucking it all up for the rest of us. You're gonna get a huge raise, the NHL has taken notice. So enough!! Who the hell do you think you are? The Canadiens currently have 2 extra points in the standings just because of your "heroics". 2 points could be the difference between picking 2nd or picking 5th. You better hope that Ugandan kid Gauthier is gonna draft will tear the league up.

So the Habs won in a shootout last night, no thanks to DD. He also scored to give the Habs a 2-1 lead. Perhaps nobody has explained to him how the draft works. Having never been drafted himself, maybe he thinks all players are just randomly assigned to NHL teams. If that's the case, I will apologize to him. If not, he's a douche.

We're barely in last place in the east anymore. Tied with the Islanders and they have a game in hand. It's the fucking Islanders. They're gonna lose that game. We can't rely on anyone to do the losing for us. I hope these guys realize what their doing. Jerks.

Afternoon Munchies - The Prodigal Son Returns

Markov is back tonight in a hugely anticipated return to Bell Centre ice.

Alright, enough with that.

The season is over and I'm just glad we can bill this as the unofficial training camp of 2012-2013. Let's pray to the gods of torn ACL's that we keep losing despite scoring plenty of goals, let's hope no other draft picks get destroyed the way Nail did and the rest should take care of itself.

The only shred of mystery surrounding this season is whether or not Max Pacioretty can reach the 35-goal plateau. That's all I care about now. And whether or not Markov's knee can withstand more pressure than a snail fart.

Ok, bye now.

Game recap

Fuck You David Desharnais.

The Morning Bell for Monday March 12, 2012

Your Honorary Ringer: That hour of sleep I lost over the weekend.

I miss that hour. Haven't felt the same without it. It's only 60 minutes of time but without it I've felt a bit lost, lonely even. My sleep has been affected. My inner clock doesn't tick with the same energetic spring. The enthusiasm to live has waned and life is reduced to collections of insignificant spurts of uneventful attempts at relevance. And how we take that that hour for granted. No more. Not here. You can ring the honorary morning pk'ist bell.

The Leafs lost their most important game of the season last night. A 2-0 loss to the Caps probably ends their drive to stay alive and officially makes this collapse the greatest event in the history of sports. Actually, I'm playing to the masses here. I've always said that if my measure of success is seen through the lens of my enemies failures, I would have to recalibrate the way I see things. I don't want the Leafs to lose, unless they play the Habs or unless their game has an impact on where Montreal lies in the standings. Count me as one of those guys who doesn't cheer against a team when nothing is riding on the game. Unless of course that team is Philadelphia. Those fuckers get under my skin.

The Flames won a big one in Minny last night. Calgary did to the Wild what Washington did to Toronto. They created some healthy breathing room while all but killing their playoff dream.

It will be said around these parts that the Pittsburgh Penguins are the team to beat in the East. If I were a betting man, I would first buy Facebook shares, then I would buy Facebook itself, then I would buy an actual face because I can do without mine, and then I would bet on the Penguins winning the cup. It's amazing what these guys have accomplished without the best damn player in the game.

I love you all.

Game Review: Habs beat Canucks. This is starting to piss me off.

At first, I thought the win in Edmonton was kind of cute. It was like watching two monkeys play ping pong. You feel guilty for enjoying the show, but it's entertaining nonetheless.

But now, after beating the mighty Canucks, on the road no less, I'm a little pissed. First of all, the win puts us just one point back of the Island Girls, who are more than capable of falling off a cliff and giving us a run for our money for a top 2 pick. Secondly, the return of Markov may have a short term spike in productivity for our impotent powerplay. And #3, Carey Price played some inspired hockey in his home town, which may get him to over achieve in the lat few games.

This is serious people. The season may be almost over, but there is still plenty of time for these morons to climb a few spots in the standings. Not so much because I think they will win more games than they lose, but because the shitty teams around us know how this works and they are going to begin tanking it soon if they see us actually trying to win. Even the fucking Leafs are closer to 15th than they are to 8th. Do they realize that even if they win EVERY game from here till the end, they probably wont make it. I'm serious. You see those 67 teams between us and 8th place? Well they play each other, so it's a guarantee one of them will pick up points in those games. And why the fuck doesn't Markov have swine flu?

Let's try this analogy. The Habs are an unemployed alcoholic. If they stay an unemployed alcoholic, the goverment will continue to send them a check every week and even pay for rehab. But if they get a job, they will make less money than the government checks and have to pay for their own rehab. But they will have pride. Pride?? Are you serious?? That disappeared when they got shut out by the Blue Jackets at home when the games actually still mattered. Trust me, pride is out he window. You stay drunk, you pick up your checks, and you go to the government sponsored rehab center in the summer. This is a no brainer.

And not only do they win, but they do it with such gusto. Like they're trying to rub our faces in it. 2 goals for Cole, PK score another on the PP, Markov is back, and our #1 center wasn't even playing. Do you know how hard it is to be upset at this?? I'm trying to be the mature one here and they're making it impossible.

Hopefully, a Buffalo team that actually has a reason to win will beat the shit out of them. Not on the scoreboard, an actual physical beating, with a chair, or perhaps a lead pipe. Not to inflict permanent damage, but enough for the Habs not to get back up and need stitches...on their scrotums.

Game Review: Pacioretty scores a pair, Habs screw it up again and win.

Ah well. You can't lose'em all right? Cheer up people, I'm sure things will turn around soon. This team has been losing all year and they're not about to stop now. Keep your chin up.

But instead of focusing on the bad (the win), let's focus on the good. The very good. A year to the day after Chara came within millimeters of paralyzing him, Max Pacioretty scored his 29th and 30th goals of the year. With any luck, he'll get to 35 and solidify his role as our team's best goal scorer. What a story. Remember kids, even if an ugly giant crushes your spine, you can always come back and score 30 goals on a shitty team.

Another bright spot was PK. The kid is turning around what was a disappointing season. If he plays like this for the last 14 games, nobody will remember the first 50. He's calmer, less selfish and way more focused.

Eller scored his 15th. If he gets anywhere near 20, it will make it a lot easier to think that he could be a legitimate 25 goal man that can also be a shut down guy. If he achieves that, nobody will complain about the trade.

In other news, a shocking development in the Markov saga. His progress has hit a snag. When he looked like he was about to return, he came down with the flu. My only hope is that it's bird flu and that he will die soon. Andrei, put us out of our misery. We can't take it anymore. Either leave town forever, or amputate your legs.

Game preview: Habs get set for oil wrestling match

The Habs are playing tonight and RDS has a story about the impact of the front page. This is what this season has come to. Hockey is being looked over for MLS soccer. For shame! Does anybody give a shit about tonight? Does anybody truly care? I for one do. I am on a mission to finish last because I think it's for the good of the franchise.

You see, I'm a parent. The Habs are my kids. My kids are good for nothing drug addicts. But every year, they manage to hold on to their crappy jobs and survive another year. I can't convince them to lay off the pipe because to them, everything is fine. They get their pathetic paycheck every week and continue their useless existence, barely making it. What I need is for my kid to hit rock bottom, so they have no choice but to go to rehab. If I let them keep doing it their way, it may never happen. They could stay in this situation for years and years. So what I'm gonna do is sabotage their life (for their own good, of course). I will set up a sting operation with undercover cops. My kids will try to sell them some crack and a BJ and then...BOOM! Arrested for distribution and manwhoring! They spend a couple of months in a jail cell with Bubba and Tyrone and next thing you know, they're straight as an arrow and can't wait to go back to school and become surgeons.

That my friends, is how you parent.

So tonight, we have 29th place within reach. If they fuck this up and win, I will freak the fuck out. And can someone explain why the hell Carey is still playing every game? Give this kid a break.

Tune in next week when I explain how it's better to have Scott Gomez murdered. For his own good, of course.

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 8th 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Peyton Manning

Peyton was released by the alcoholic owner of the Colts on Wednesday, 24 hrs before he was set to be payed a $28 million bonus. To me, this was a sad situation but all parties got a good deal. The colts will draft a kid who is regarded as the next elite QB, Peyton gets a fresh start somewhere else instead of having this eager kid brown nosing him all season and Jim Irsay (the owner) gets to sift through tons of hate mail for letting go of the guy who singlehandedly saved the franchise. I gotta say, he handled it like a champ. No sobbing, just enough emotion so we could see how much he really cared about the fans and the city. This will either be the smartest move the Colts ever made or the dumbest.

Tonight, a battle of epic proportions will take place in Alberta. The winner get 2 points, the loser get the title of NHL's second worse team. You know where I stand. It's time the players get their asses in gear and start making it easy on me. Best case scenario is Budaj in nets for a 9-8 loss. I want to lose, but I still wanna see our guys score. I'm not an animal.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the Leafs lost again.

Mario honors himself with a statue

So let me get this straight. The Penguins immortalized Mario Lemieux with a Statue of him embarrassing Rich Pilon and Jeff Norton. Ok, doesn't Mario own the team and building? Didn't he set this all up? So who exactly is he thanking in his speech? It's like a rich guy who thanks his wife for buying him a nice watch but he then pays all the bills anyways.

If you missed the speech, here it is in its entirety.

"I would like to thank the owner of this team for this great honor. Only an organization as classy as the Penguins could pull this off. When ownership called me to tell me they were planning this, I couldn't believe it. They made me feel so special. They made me feel like I was still a part of this organization. They talked to me as if I was the guy signing their paychecks. When I started playing here, I thought this place was a dump. I mean, who the hell wants to play in Pittsburgh. If I was gonna freeze my balls off, it might as well be in Canada where people gave a shit about the game. But then, after I broke all the records this team ever had and won two cups, they went bankrupt. Instead of paying me, they gave me this worthless team. Then, we bent over and a horseshoe fell right our of our ass. We won the Crosby lottery and are now a great franchise with a state of the art arena. I would like to thank Mr. Lemieux for all his generosity and for keeping this team in this god forsaken city. Thanks, and Go Steelers!"

Game review: Habs closer than ever to top 2 picks

The boys kept it together and lost last night. It looked like they might screw it up and win but cooler heads prevailed. If we end up 29th by 2 points, we'll all have Carey Price to thank. That brutal giveaway on the Flames 5th goal was pure genius. Like Stephen Hawking genius. Thank god Carey took things into his own hands. With people like Pacioretty and Desharnais actually trying to win, he had to step up.

Unfortunately, Cammalleri had a bad case of the pussy last night. He couldn't play, that's fine, but opted not to speak to the media either. I'm just bitter that Bourque layed another egg last night with zeros across the board and a -2.

If Montreal needs a new slogan to attract tourists and business people to our city, I suggest this: "Montreal, where careers come to die; in french."

Game preview: Crabs vs Lames

Well I for one am not excited about playing the Flames. I used to love playing les Flammes, but the Flames are boring.

The Habs face their favorite old teammate tonight when they visit Cammy in his new/old digs. He has 11 points in 21 games with the Flames. You would think that sucks until you realize that it's double the points Bourque has given us. Cammalleri may have been a selfish player and a distraction in the room, but holy shit was he worth more than Bourque. And according to their production, twice as much.

So the drive for last place continues against a team that still has hope to make the playoffs. We're obviously not gonna get any help from those shitty Oilers so we're gonna have to do it ourselves. We're the Montreal Canadiens god damnit. Nobody shows us how to lose. Nobody.

The Morning Bell for Monday March 5, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Rory McIlroy

The kid became the 2nd youngest golfer to reach #1. I can't remember who was the youngest. Some black fella. And he did it by winning the Honda Classic by 2 strokes over that same black guy. I can't believe I can't remember his name. So embarrassing. Do you know who I'm talking about? Black guy with huge teeth? Likes hookers and porn stars? Anyways, I'm sure it will come back to me.

Big week for the Habs with a western road trip on the menu. Tonight I will be cheering the Edmonton Oilers on as they face the Ducks. A win and they creep up to 2 points back with 1 game in hand. I gotta say, the race for last is just as much fun as a race for 1st, without all the stress, insanity and pride.

Game Review: Habs win (lose), Leafs lose (win)

So who really won last night? The team who won the game and will fight for the 8th spot and probably finish 9th or 10th, or, the team that lost the game and is now dead last with hopefully a 2nd or 3rd overall pick in its sights?

My vote goes to the latter. Last night was a great night for the believers that the Habs will go nowhere by finishing anywhere north of 15th spot in the east. We've tried being a fringe playoff team for years. It doesn't work. One fluky run to the conference finals on the back of a freakishly hot goalie doesn't justify that strategy. Not only did the Habs lose in regulation, but the teams above them won. The Isles, Bolts and Canes all picked up points and distanced themselves from us. And the cherry on the Sunday is watching the Leafs cling to the belief that they'll squeeze in. Splendid.

As for the game itself, it was the same old story. We have 3 guys who create anything offensively. Nothing will change as long as that happens. Carey couldn't do much on their goals. What can you expect when you get outshot 42-22 in your own building. I might as well copy paste that for the rest of the season. Another reason they got outplayed is that the Habs iced a $36M team last night. With all those injuries, that was our payroll. You ain't gonna win much with that.

The best part is that the team leaves for what is usually a horrendous western road trip. Going 0-3 could solidify our hold on last spot in the east. It would also mean that the Oilers beat us and that we might be closer to 29th.

I know some of you might not agree with my hopes of seeing them lose the rest of the way. I understand how you feel. It took some time before I saw the light. But if common sense doesn't do it for you, perhaps this will. What do you think will happen is this team turns it on and finishes the season strong. Do you think that maybe Geoff Molson will think that Pierre Gauthier gets a stay of execution? Maybe he feels the status quo is the way to go. Heeeeelllll no. I don't want anything to do with this management team. I want them all out. Gainey, Gauthier, and Cunneyworth. Losing consistently and finishing an embarrassing last place is the best way to ensure that. It will also give the new GM a nice present with the 2nd or 3rd overall pick. It's the least we can do for the poor bastard who takes this job and gets run out of town 3 years later.

Maple Leafs fire Tom Hanks' old volleyball

The Maple Leafs have fired Ron Wilson and replaced him with Burke BFF Randy Carlyle. You rarely see a coach get fired this late into the season but Burke didn't really have a choice. Toronto has lost 6 straight and is now 5 points out of 8th.

This move is brilliant. They should get a boost from this hiring, making them a solid 9th place team. I love it.

Game Review: Habs blow load in less than 4 minutes. I mean lead.

I can't believe this team keeps finding ways to disappoint me. Make no mistake about it. I want this team to lose. Every. Single. Game. But when they don't lose, i want to see them show flashes of the team they could be in the near future. That's what I saw in the first 55 minutes of this game. Then, without warning, they shat the bed. Scratch that. Shit can somehow be cleaned up. This was some kind of rectal discharge that seeps deep into fabric and can never be removed.

How the hell can you let that happen on home ice. 3 goals in less than 4 minutes?? And then, to make things worse, they win in a shootout. So basically, that whole display was for nothing. Instead of a win we can actually be proud of, we get this. A loss would have at least pushed us in the right direction. We'd be 1 point closer to 29th place. Now we get the 2 points in an embarrassing way. A loss tonight would have made me want to beat the Leafs Saturday, but now we can't risk going on a winning streak. We need to lose to Toronto, even if that means they would inch closer to 8th. We have to keep the faith that they will finish 9th or 10th and we'll stay in the basement. That is the way god intended it.

If anyone was wondering what the difference between Cunneyworth and Martin was, look no further than the way they treat rookies. Blake Geoffrion got 12 minutes of ice in his Bell Center debut. Not only that, but he got on the starting lineup so the fans could acknowledge that he is a 4th generation Hab. Good for Randy for letting the kid have his moment.

Another bright spot to me was Ryan White. God I love how this kid plays like he doesn't give a shit for his own safety. He goes after anybody at any time. With him and Staubitz in the lineup, the Habs are 34% less douchy.

Now get back to the business of losing. Daddy wants an under-performing Russian first round pick!

Game Preview: Habs vs Wild

How on earth is this game on Hockey Night in Canada? Someone at CBC will surely get canned when they pull in ratings lower than the National Geographic special on the masturbating patterns of lamas.

Also, before we get into the game, it was reported that Alex Ovechkin tipped the scales at 242 pounds earlier this season. That's good for 15th heaviest in the league. WTF?? How many Mr. Big bars did you wolf down while filming those lame-ass commercials??

Now, about the game. When the most important thing about it is the fact that Blake Geoffrion is playing, then you know you're in trouble. Yes, the kid will be the 4th generation to play for this franchise and that's quite an accomplishment, but holy shit are we scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with story lines.

So the moral of the story is: Don't watch it. It's gonna suck. If we lose, it will be boring. If we win, I will throw my TV out the window because we'd be getting further from the top 2 draft picks. It's a no win situation. Much like the Habs season. No win. Get it? Is this thing on?

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 1st 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Poland

The country is officially less valuable than Apple. Apple's market cap crossed 500 billion (what Gauthier will offer Gomez when his current contract is up), making it more valuable than several countries. Who knows, maybe next year it will be known as iPoland.

Habs try and extend their losing streak tonight versus an equally cold team. Minnesota is 6 points back of 8th in the West and has no chance of leap frogging 3 teams to get there. Let's be honest. There is absolutely no sense in winning any more games this year. It would be totally counter productive. Which is exactly why I expect this team to start winning with 5 or 6 games left, thus ruining our chances at the top 2 picks.

The silver lining is that Toronto is still slipping in the Standings. They currently sit in 10th, which is exactly where we want them. It's starting to look like Washington will get on a bit of a run and solidify its hold on 8th, although I'm really pulling for Winnipeg. Those fans have to live in Winnipeg all year. They need this.

Little Baby's 19 and All Grown Up

Happy 19, Kiddo.

Now go shave for the first time. Look at you, you're a man now, right before my eyes.

The Morning Bell for Wednesday February 29, 2012

Today's ringer: February 29.

Anyone patient enough to exist every four years deserves some form of acknowledgment. This here blog respects that.

There are so many things I could ask to revert to an Olympic appearance:

 - cabbage rolls - just pretending to like 'em hun.
 - a sandra bullock movie. Blindside was good, see you in 4 years
 - a Habs/Blue Jackets game
 - winter
 - gastroenteritis, no make that 8 years

 I'm told the Habs played again last night. I'm telling whoever just told me to mind their business. I will say this, with our luck this year, watch those lottery balls pop out in this twisted ouija like order and hand the Habs the 27th pick in the draft.

It's a leap year. Let's look forward to something more enjoyable.

We've got some entertaining hockey in a few weeks, finally. We've got the Euro in the summer. If the Australian open was a sign of things to come we've got 3 more majors of unbelievable tennis and a potato sack race involving crocodiles on Discovery. And we've got London calling. Yes, baseball, I know but forgive me if I relagate baseball and the CFL to areas in my brain I prefer to deny. If you enjoy them, good for you. I would rather french kiss a porcupine.

 Happy leap year everyone. Now go leap.

Our Thoughts

Most of you know why HF33 turned into HF4.

In using his number I wanted to acknowledge something that is often lost on our society today: kindness.

There is no sense in getting ahead of ourselves. All we need to do at this point is pause and offer a kind moment to an ailing human being who has done so much for so many he knew so little.

Mr. Béliveau, in our thoughts, we join you today in this struggle and offer our loving encouragement.

We love you.

 - THE PKISTS AND READERS

Deadline Day? More Like Flatline Day

I admire TSN's crew for having stayed with it yesterday. That was the best air-time filling I've seen since Peter Mansbridge's ongoing reporting on the gestational period of Bella the whale in San Francisco.

Impressive stuff indeed.

Duthie: Any trades?

Johnson: Nope.

Duthie: What about now?

Mckenzie: I think so, let me check my blackberry. Crap I left it off. No, no, it was on.

Duthie: Farber, you got anything?

Farber: I have the immeasurable pleasure to declare on this fortnight that nothing has come of this wretched tirade!

Duthie: What?

Farber: I got nothing.

Duthie: Ok, let's go to commercial break. No? No break? Too soon? Alright, can we can Landsberg in here? Maybe get him to mud wrestle Chael Sonnen? McGuire's available today. He's always got something.

McGuire: I'm trying to trade Andrei Kostitsyn. Is my mic on?...

Duthie: Ward? What do you have?

Ward: I've got pocket queens, I'm going all in.

Duthie: What's up with The Artist? I guess the best thing is that the French are so annoying I would have muted that shit anyways.

Dreger: Amen brother.

McKenzie: True that.

Duthie: This show is better than the Oscars on Sunday right? Cause that put me to sleep. This is better right? Right?


Ferraro: The show is silently splendid, like liquid poetry.


....


....

McKenzie: ...


Duthie: Ok! This is big, Evgeni Malkin is now a Sabre!

McKenzie: He's not a Sabre, James.

Duthie: He could be a Sabre...Ok, what about PK Subban, was he traded?

Panger: I'm not touching that one with a 10-foot sherwood.

Hodge: Can you speculate like that? What kind of stupid network is this anyway? I mean this network is so backwards...I have to stop doing this.

Ferraro: Speculate, S-P-E-C-U-L-A-T-E. It's a gorgeous word.

Landsberg: Anyone see my speedo? Somebody say mud wrestling?

Onrait: You borrowed mine last week and I WANT IT BACK.

McGuire: Know your place, Pierre Gauthier. Mic's off right? Somebody's got to turn this bloody mic off.

Duthie: Panger, any news from the west coast?

Panger: Uh yeah, sure. Something's gonna happen soon. I'm sure of it. My blackberry's gonna buzz. Crap, it's off.

Duthie: You know folks, I never told you about my childhood...I was bo...

McGuire: Can somebody turn my mic off? Yes, he misses his brother, yes...

TRADE CENTRE ALERT!!!!!

Duthie: OK, great! we've got a trade to announce! What's this?...Rogers stock is trading at an all-time low as a result of this telecast. Merck stock is shooting up as sales for narcolepsy drugs have soared today.

McKenzie: Get me my broker on the phone.

Dreger: Bob, you can't, that's insider trading.

Duthie: DID SOMEBODY SAY TRADE?!!!

Johnson: Where's Ferraro? What's he got?

Panger: Ferraro's reading Hamlet. In German.

Duthie: How much longer?

Producer: 3 minutes.

Duthie: No, I mean till the deadline.

Producer. It's 9:07 in the morning, James.

McGuire: OK, THIS IS BIG!!! I've, fuck!...The Canadiens have traded Andrei Kostitsyn to the Nashville Predators.

Duthie: Wow! That's huge. We're going to break this one down for you. We've got our Reporters standing by. We've got Dreger on the phone with both GMs. McKenzie will offer a 30-second high decibel opinion that will then be posted verbatim on our website. We've got the players involved on their cell phones. Their wives will also tell us how this will affect life at home. We have a mathematician from Yale who will break the trade down for us. We've got a palm reader from Kingston who'll tell us how she anticipates this trade to impact both teams. My parents may drop by to say a few words and Landsberg will submit Sonnen in a muddy mess.

McGuire: This is a good deal for the Habs. Lots of organizational responsibility and physical commitment to depth and constructive dedication for an impact player positioning to elevate levels of atonement in a cohesively cohesive cohesion. I like the deal.

Habs get second boobectomy, lose other tit.

So the over hyped trade deadline day got started with the Montreal Canadiens trading enigmatic winger Andrei Kostitsyn. Years ago, Andrei and Sergei were baptized Big and Little tits by our own HF4. Back then, this team had a great rack. Sergei was a young feisty centerman with great vision and Andrei was a strong winger with incredible hands and a great shot. Fast forward 3 years and, well, the Habs are now titless.

This move was hardly a surprise considering all that happened in the last few weeks. Andrei saw his playing time get reduced considerably and once his trade value hit rock bottom, Pierre Gauthier worked his magic and traded him for less than he got for Hal Gill.

Let's analyze this trade, shall we? We traded a former 1st round pick that, aside from this year where everybody and their mother sucks, consistently scored 20 goals in this league. In exchange, we get a 2nd rounder who, if we're lucky, will one day score 20 goals in this league. Andrei may not have reached his potential. He may not be the hardest worker. He may have gone weeks without scoring. But is he worth less than 64 year-old Hal Gill?

You wanna trade AK, fine. I won't lose any sleep. But you think you can get a little more than a 2nd rounder? And in case you didn't bother to check, Pierre, Nashville is a good team and is currently 5th in the NHL, so their 2nd round pick might not be worth much. Especially with you having a say in it.

So now that the deadline has come and gone, here are a few things you should be aware of.

1: You're a douche

2: If you don't sign Travis Moen to a contract that is universally described as a great deal for the organization, you're an idiot.

3: I loathe you

4: You are not fit to be the GM of my nephew's house league team.

5: You once again failed to accomplish anything useful on deadline day. Granted you have a lot of worthless assets on this team, but you're the one who put this roster together, so you get no sympathy.


So there you have it. Yet another disappointing day in Habs history. Or as Pierre calls it, Monday.

TRADE STORY

We have worked hard with WikiLeaks to obtain a copy of the confidential written presentation General Manager Pierre Gauthier has prepared for the GM's in the league for trade deadline day.

My fellow General Managers,

I submit to you my list of available players that I would like you to consider today, the last day we can all make a super deal together. I am offering you these players with tremendous sadness, as I not have yet  spoken to anyone of them during their stay with the team. I hear they are very pleasant people and that some are wonderful cooks. I love bouillabaisse, you know this. I wish these players and I had enjoyed a nice bouillabaisse together.

So here we go.

Mr. Campoli was one of my best signings ever. He was supposed to fill that all-important role of 11th defenseman on our team and motivate Alexei Emelin to learn English, French. He will be very missed as he has helped our coaches exercise their ability to provide excuses to healthy scratches. The last one Mr. Cunneyworth gave Mr. Campoli was great: Sorry, Chris, because of the full moon, I need more defensemen born in March on the ice tonight.

Monsieur Cole was my biggest mistake and I am ashamed of this. We will offer you Monsieur Cole and in exchange all I ask is for one of you to give up tickets to a Justin Bieber concert wherever the show may be. I just want to see Justin Bieber.

Monsieur Darche may have the best hands in the entire NHL and we know you'll all give us your best offer to get your hands on him. For this reason, as we know demand will be high and we don't want to down our fax lines, I ask that you only submit your offers for Mister Darche between 1 and 1:06 p.m. today.

Monsieur Desharnais is a towering might. I asked our coach Jacques Martin to bring him into the line up to create more space for our forwards and bring in the intimidation factor. He makes our team fearless, and I know you'll appreciate this shoe-in UFC-like dynamo. He's so tall he can pee on Zdeno Chara's head and he doesn't even have to stand on his tippy toes.

We ask that you take a good look at Madame Diaz and Madame Eller. It has been brought to my attention that Monsieur Diaz and Monsieur Eller have had difficulty concentrating on their game as a result of their significant others' political allegiances to mainstream Danish and Swiss ideologies. Now hear this. WE WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS FORM OF EXTREMISM. There is no place for such brutality in the club de Hockey Canadien. We would package both of these women for Carey Underwood.

Monsieur Emelin is a distraction to our team as he is way too outspoken with our local media. We cannot accept this but I am sure your players will enjoy his verbose ways. Not to mention the best knock-knock jokes I may have ever heard and a dead-on impersonation of Betty White.

Monsieur Gorges was recently signed to a 23-year 67-million dollar a season contract. We feel that he fit perfectly with our corporate profiling of defensemen with non existing anterior cruciate ligaments. But our medical staff in Guatemala has assured us that a certain Mr. Someone with this same problem is about to make a comeback and so we feel that it would be wrong to steal that special Mr. Someone's thunder.

You may be shocked that I am making Monsieur Kaberle available so soon after having signed what I consider to be the best defenseman ever to wear a Canadiens jersey. He has single handedly revived our multi dimensional power play. His performance on a recent goal was legendary as he attempted to halt a puck with his uncanny ability to watch it float by him.

I'm sorry she's off the market - she has begged me to send her off to Nashville because she's in love with her brother-in-law and finally wants to confess her feelings. Awkward!!

I have no love lost for this player. He has no courage, no will to win and purposely crashes into stanchions during games. He has no consideration for his vertebrae and I can't respect a person who doesn't respect vertebrae. Zero scoring skills, zero strength, VERY LIMITED skating ability, and hands which would make that Edward guy in the Tim Burton movie jealous.

I would be tempted to call Monsieur Plekanec "Madame" because he himself says he plays like a little girl. He does. A little girl who can't play hockey. Mister Plekanec looks weird, with that red nose and blue face. He looks like a confused maple leaf on this picture. He would fit right in, Toronto.

I know this will be the hardest deal to make so please stay with me, my fellow general managers. Monsieur Price has no hockey IQ, we all know this. But his knowledge of country music is unparalleled. He knows Travis Tritt's entire discography. That's unbelievable. He can't hold a goalie stick but he can play the shit out of a banjo. He has no idea what a butterfly is on the ice, but he can play the entire soundtrack to Madame Butterfly with a harmonica. Monsieur Price is yeeehaaaw good.

Monsieur Subban is always frowning and demoralizes our team. Look at him, a huge downer. Please take him and give me any player willing to flash his pearly whites. Monsieur Subban spends most of his time in the dressing room discussing the process of enriching plutonium. He chews my ears off about the complexity of the Dodd-Frank act. It's so annoying. We think Mister Subban will be a good fit on a team that is looking to slow the pace on the back end because we've seen Jessica Tandy skate quicker from one blue line to the other. You must take caution that should you take Monsieur Subban, you must also have a player on your team willing to be on the receiving end of jokes involving saran wrap and toilet bowls, and  awkward triple lo-fives.

Our best player. Will only accept Mr. Ovechkin or Mr. Malkin in return, a first round pick for the drafts through 2043 and a signed copy of a Mister Mister album.

Tony Marinaro: Geoff Molson Has Effectively Fired Pierre Gauthier

Well. This is an interesting one to discuss, for many reasons.

The first question everyone will ask, and rightly so is: Is this true?

The answer to that question strikes at the core of both Tony Marinaro as a journalist and journalism itself which has been felled by a large degree of corporate enmeshment.

The story of Marinaro's ascent to household name in the Montreal sports media scene is a compelling one. He worked hard at being part of the conversation. He called in on sports radio shows and offered his advice. He impressed the radio hosts with his quick wit and knowledge. His passion made it clear that he would work tirelessly at creating a space for himself within the industry. People noticed. So he worked harder. Trained himself to be more constructed when delivering the message, not just verbose. 

He was offered a spot on the Team 990 and slowly rose to become the most informed fox in the hound.

Marinaro did not accomplish this on feeble scoop attempts. He understands both the game of hockey, as it must be played on the ice, and the corporate dynamics that lie behind the scene that assemble the parts of what is to become a hockey team.

He understands the contracts, their impact on a team and the monetary value of the players. And he discusses it with stunning ease and dexterity.

Marinaro's employer, Team 990 recently became TSN 990. With that change came the rights to the Canadiens games and a far closer relationship with the team. One with less insight on the reality of journalism today would expect this to foster more information to flow from the Canadiens to TSN 990 and then to the public. 

Nothing is more false.

Journalists at TSN 990 are caught in this uncomfortable paradox: their relationship with the team obliges them to act with far more prudence, caution and even retenue. Adventurous reporting may ruffle some coprporate feathers and so scoops that can hurt the team create tension between both groups.

When Marinaro reported on the state of Markov's knee and the type of discussions that occurred between the team and the all-star defenceman's camp, the Habs were infuriated. The truth is a dangerous thing to an organization that guards information as if it were a state secret.

Marinaro stands to lose everything he's built if he started reporting recklessly. You can disagree with his opinions, you can take exception with his style that some have come to brand as arrogant, but you cannot say that Tony Marinaro is in the business of tabloid fodder. He has always held himself to a better standard. His success story is built on effort and hard work. There are no shortcuts. 

The fabrication of a story is everything that Tony is not. If the story isn't there, he won't report on it. When it is, contract with the Canadiens or not, Marinaro will break the story. And that's the way it needs to be.

The tentacles corporations have grown into the freedom of the press are stifling reminders that the news is often times only news when it's allowed to break. Special interests have swayed the social discourse in a way that makes it harder to engage in open, honest and meaningful dialogue. 

Marinaro works in a field that is different from the one in which Tevan, Blackman and Fisher toiled. Access to information, to the players is guarded in ways that dent the purpose of reporting. Red Fisher once told me the players, who are now coached by the team to speak with the media, have become robotic distributors of clichés.

To stay relevant, Marinaro has had to work against this grain and look hard for stories that years ago were easier to discover. That means a world of undisclosable sources, more nebulous ties to the facts and reporting that at times seems far fetched. But Marinaro is not in the business of far fetched reporting. He has spent hours creating contacts who want to speak to him because they can rely on him to report the story faithfully.  He doesn't spin the rumour mill, he breaks the news when it's there.

Again, the fact is, Marinaro is in the business of fact. 

The news he broke yesterday is sensitive. It's sensitive to the team and it puts everything a journalist lives and breathes with at risk: his credibility.

Marinaro has worked far too hard to expose himself that way on a story most of us knew would be in the makings sooner or later. Add to the mix the construct of the relationship he has with the Canadiens and his honest and grinding efforts to get to where he is today and you're left with a simple reality: nothing suggests Marinaro is wrong in reporting Gauthier has been all but replaced.

         

BLOGGER EVIDENTLY DESPISES EVERYTHING BUT GHANA

So you may have noticed that we're having some trouble with the site. We are hoping for a late period surge but we may trade the pkists to Wordpress before the deadline.

The posts before the previous blogs are there, just in the older posts a clic away.

More to come as we try to resolve this issue. For now let's just say our blog has a lower body injury.

Special Morning Bell: African Nation Leapfrogs over Habs

EASTERN
Rank	Team	GP	W	L	OT	PTS	GF	GA	Home	Away	Last 10	Streak
1	NY Rangers	58	38	15	5	81	161	118	19-7-2	19-8-3	7-3-0	Lost 1
2	Boston	58	36	20	2	74	194	134	18-10-2	18-10-0	4-6-0	Won 1
3	Winnipeg	63	30	26	7	67	161	178	19-9-3	11-17-4	6-3-1	Won 1
4	New Jersey	59	35	20	4	74	168	162	16-10-3	19-10-1	8-1-1	Won 4
5	Philadelphia	60	33	20	7	73	198	183	14-10-5	19-10-2	3-6-1	Lost 1
6	Pittsburgh	60	34	21	5	73	186	160	18-8-2	16-13-3	5-4-1	Won 1
7	Ottawa	62	32	22	8	72	190	185	16-11-3	16-11-5	5-3-2	Won 4
8	Florida	59	27	20	12	66	146	165	14-8-8	13-12-4	4-5-1	OT 1
9	Toronto	61	29	25	7	65	182	186	16-10-5	13-15-2	3-6-1	Lost 1
10	Washington	60	29	26	5	63	161	173	19-8-2	10-18-3	3-6-1	Lost 3
11	Tampa Bay	60	27	27	6	60	169	201	18-9-2	9-18-4	5-4-1	Lost 1
12	Buffalo	60	26	27	7	59	150	176	15-11-7	11-16-0	5-3-2	Won 2
13	NY Islanders	60	25	27	8	58	140	176	13-14-5	12-13-3	4-5-1	Lost 2
14	Carolina	61	23	26	12	58	160	184	16-12-4	7-14-8	5-2-3	OT 1
15	Ghana	61	24	27	10	58	161	167	11-14-8	13-13-2	5-4-1	Lost 2

16	Montreal	62	24	28	10	58	161	171	11-14-8	13-14-2	5-4-1	Lost 3