Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Lost Boys - The Only Game Review that Matters

I reckon that a few hours before the home opener against the Flames, Geoff Molson rallied his marketing team at the Bell Centre offices.

It probably went like this.

- Molson: Lookit, the game starts in three hours and we got no opening ceremony.

-Random staffer: Yeah, Geoff, we've been trying to tell you for weeks that we have to get..

-Molson: SILENCE! (imagine him sounding like Ian Mckellen there). We've got a ceremony to prepare and it's gotta be perfect! The years past have been awesome. That 24 theme with Jack Bauer with Kiefer being all kickass Jack and stuff, wooooo! And the awesome music over the years, U2 and the Killers, just instantly recognizable great stuff. And what about the montages. The home to rink one a few years back or last year's comic book strip. Man those were too good. Well we've gotta be that good today.

- Random staffer: Any ideas?

-Molson: Where's Ray Lalonde?

-Staffer: He doesn't work here anymore.

-Molson: What the fuck!?

-Staffer: You didn't know he left?

-Molson: Focus people. We've got a major show to put on here.

- Staffer: What's our budget?

- Molson: Seventeen dollars. You've got 3 hours and 17$ to set up the best damn opening bit this city has ever seen. Now that's the best working conditions I've ever heard of. When I was a kid I used to make honey ale by extracting honey drops right out of a bee's ass. It hurt like hell. Ok first things first, what kind of music do we use?

- Staffer: Arcade Fire's big right now, local gig, Grammy win..

- Molson: I GOT IT! We're gonna play a song by INXS!

- Staffer: Really?

- Molson: Fuck yeah really.

- Staffer: Which one? Bitter tears, I need you tonight? Suicide Blonde?

- Molson: Never heard of em. No, we're going to play a song from INXS from the soundtrack of the movie the Lost Boys. It's called Good Times. Kiefer was so badass in that too!

- Staffer: What?

- Molson: Yeah and for the montage, we're gonna take the old home to rink clip the team shot a few years back and you're gonna photoshop the heads of the old players like Saku and Kovy and shit and replace them with today's boys. People are going to FREAK OUT! It's gonna be so cool.

- Staffer: Geoff, I don't..

- Molson: Shushh, I'm on a roll here. Then I want you to tell Michel Lacroix to introduce the players in totally random fashion. No alphabetical crap, and don't get me started on numerical order. Just toss the names in a bag and throw the players out on the ice in the order the names pop out. Totally hip stuff.

- Random staffer: And where do the players line up?

- Molson: In a circle like last year.

- Staffer: Should we tell them where to stand.

- Molson: Are you freaking serious? The guys know how to stand in a full circle. Ok that's it. INXS, song only I've ever heard of, Lost Boys, rehashed montage, perfect circle at centre ice! 17 bucks, 3 hours. Man I've got goose bumps.

Editor's note: We're pretty sure the Lost Boys theme had a trickle down effect. Habs looked somewhat foggy, Flames looked sharp and Kiefer Sutherland's ego was stroked gently. 4-1 and Calgary made it look easy. Driving home during the third was a no-brainer. Just like opting for Good Times by INXS from the soundtrack the Lost Boys, a movie that came out in 1987, a year where nobody cared about the song Good Times or the movie the Lost Boys.


Anonymous said...

You just made me realized that It was Molson who lobbyed Oscar Producers to pick Eddy Murphy for this year's hosting duties. Next home game will see our Glorieux skate out to The Box, Corey Heart and Men Without Hats reunited (?) and covering the b sides of the Back to the future soundtrack. It's the power of it's original Mandarin. Big pkisses to all. Love the new blog!

moeman said...

No mention of Jami Gertz? Really?

wv = andlevo, as in the Habs sucked andlevo did the fans in the 3rd period.

Kmaxx said...

This was the kind of insight that we were missing from the last part of FHF last year. I haven't laughed out loud at a post in quite a while.


Steve said...

Carbo, Carbo, Carbo

Steve said...

BTW Ocupy the Bell Center makes no sense.
Adding to the demands for the first time, We demand all beef organic hot dogs, We demand Carbo.
"Occupy the Habs"
We demand Gomez goes
We demand Chocula goes upstairs
We demand Hash Brownies
We demand between period raves
We demand the dicky be removed from Habs gear
We demand every square of toilet paper be labeled "Buttman"
We demand PFK gets the green light every shift
We demand Habs players are once again allowed to raise the puck
We demand a bronze of Ken Dryden, Patrick Roy and slowly assemble a TFS.
We demand Habs away games against Buffalo be played in Niagara Falls Ontario
We demand the shaved ape's penis be stuck to a frozen flag pole.
We demand the little fuckity fuck play drunk
We demand a national reaseach project to make a fucking carbon fiber hockey stick that works.
We demand the Goat concede, " I really fucked up not signing Jagr"
We demand all Habs games be televised by the CBC, the rest of their programming sucks worse than True Blood season 3, and its a pain in the ass to find a pirate web streaming site.

Steve said...

Mr Molson also personally commanded the Mexicant to be classy when he goobered in HD.

Steve said...

Never name a kid a name that can be said two ways, they will be confused for life and one day they are going to be responsible for opening ceremonies somewhere.

In the future everyone will be blogging about the Habs

juce said...

very funny stuff!


Choibolsan said...

I'd prefer having no ceremony at all, but an epic kick ass to Flames kinda 10:0.
If it happened, nobody would talk about ceremonies next day.

Btw, the budget with 17$ would not cover Nagano's OSM performance. Unless, they were payed with free tickets for Hamilton Buldogs games.