Game review: Habs swallow bitter pill after BJ game

The worst team in the league. The worst, Jerry, the worst. This team had 2 road wins. This team is 1980's Nordiques bad. The worst team in the league got on a plane, came into our building and made us look like AHL wannabes. We shot 20 times in 65 minutes of hockey. Our second goal was a lucky break that was grossly undeserved. One of our 18 skaters looked like he gave a shit. Who was it? A veteran? A gritty role player (do we even have one of those)? Nope. It was a rookie defenseman with less than 20 NHL games under his belt. When Alexei Emelin is the best player on the ice in a game vs the Blue Jacket, we're in deep shit. The kid was an animal. Despite a few brain farts, he was chasing down BJs like it was going out of style. He doesn't just hit them, he puts all his weight behind it. Like he wants to but them through the glass. Imagine that, a hockey player in a Habs uniform that actually wants to hit. In a few years, he might just be the toughest defenseman to play against. That pretty much sums up the good points. Now for the feces.

Every team has bad games, games that should be forgotten 5 minutes after they're over. You just can't have those games twice a week. I was actually in attendance last night. Usually, the warm $10 beer is the biggest rip off of the evening. Yesterday, it seemed like the deal of the century considering what we payed to see that sad spectacle. The Bell Center is now the NHL's easiest building to play in. What? You think just because it's noisy that other clubs are afraid? Teams that usually play in front of 63 friends and family get all jacked up to play here. They feed off the crowd's energy, something our players clearly take for granted, and make the Habs look bad just long enough for the crowd to start getting impatient.

I'll be the first to admit the Montreal faithful can be a little short fused. But last night, we watched our team let the BJs take an early 1-0 lead, chanted Go Habs Go right after when what they deserved was for all of us to leave, and what we got in return was an undeserved point. We all know that the Habs have a way of showing up against the best teams. Is it too much to ask that they at least show up when facing the worst fucking team in the NHL?????

Alright, that's enough. My blood pressure is through the roof and it's not even lunch time yet.

The Morning Bell for the day after we lose to the worst team in the NHL

Today's honorary ringer: Rick Nash

The most under appreciated star in the NHL playing in a coconut since he broke into the league. Every time he's played on a grand stage he's shown how talented he really is. Last night in the shootout, Nash made it look easy against Carey Price.

So yes the Habs only managed the single point at home against the BJ. Kick me in the head with a high heel shoe.

The Flames won a crazy one. The Jets beat the Bruins. The Leafs lost. Our next opponent served notice on the Habs by beating the Avs 6-0. Gulp. The Wild pla...We lost to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Sit on that for a second.

It's ok because Geoff says he has full confidence. Nothing's wrong.

The Habs had 4 shots in the second period. One of them was a flu shot Hall Gill received on the bench.

Really, what more is there to say? More today on the game and on the BJ.

Who's in the mood for a BJ?

The Montreal Canadiens renew hostilities with Western Conference foes this week as they host the Columbus Blue Jackets on Tuesday night. I always thought the Blue Jackets was a funny name. I know it has a historical significance relating to Ohio's participation in the American civil war, but in Montreal, the strip club capital of the world, a BJ has nothing to do with civil war. Anyways, time to get my mind out of the gutter and preview Tuesday's contest.

Is it me or have the BJs always sucked? It seems like ever since they came into the league, the BJs have sucked. When we're lucky, they even suck balls. You would think that after all that sucking, they would eventually get hard (to beat), but no. They continue to suck.

Habs get their first BJ meeting of the season on Tuesday. They've wanted one for a while but the schedule made it so that they don't get the BJ until early December. Only a few teams get the BJ several times a year. Detroit, Nashville, Chicago and St-Louis get 6 BJ meetings a year. Lucky them! No wonder Jaro is happy.

Although the BJ has had a rough start to the season (1 win in their first 10 games), they always seem to give the Habs issues. Habs logic states that the Canadiens always play down to their competition, so needless to say, I'm worried. The BJ always seem to come around in Montreal. A few years ago, Bob Gainey's jersey retirement ceremony was ruined by the BJ. Poor Bob took the time to lace up the skates and take a victory lap around the ice just to have the BJ rain on his parade by shutting us out 3-0.

On Tuesday, I'll be attending my first BJ game in 3 years. I'm psyched. I've been watching old BJ games on the internet all weekend. Did you guys know that you can find all kinds of BJ games online for free?? It's amazing.

For a team with very little success, the BJ always find a way to be entertaining. I have season tickets and I never have a problem selling a BJ game. This one time, I was walking down the street at night and a guy asked me for a BJ game. I sold it to him for a healthy profit. He turned out to be a cop. Who figures a cop wants a BJ game on a Wednesday night! He was gonna arrest me but after I gave him the BJ game for free, he was so excited that he let me go.

This year, our old friend James Wisniewski will be returning as a BJ. We all remember that he was suspended for the first 8 games of this season but has 12 points in 18 games since his return but only 1 goal. That is one expensive BJ even if he has a money shot.

So tonight, put your feet up, relax, and enjoy the BJ. It's the only one you'll get all year.

You know what might help the BJ finally get over the hump? A meeting with Colonel Angus.

Interesting fact about the BJs: For some reason, they are Bill Clinton's favorite team.

Please let this be the kiss of death

So it was Geoff Molson's turn to let us know that everything in Habland is Honky Dory. The big cheese said that he has complete confidence in Jacques Martin, Pierre Gauthier and even Scott Gomez and that once Markov comes back, he expects the team to climb the standings and earn a playoff spot.

I like Geoff Molson. I really do. But I will have to respectfully disagree. This management team will never get us anywhere. Why? Because when you have this kind of team, a team that is not nearly as talented and the Bruins, Pens, Caps and Flyers, you need a head coach and GM that inspire. The only thing Jackie and Pierre inspire me to do is hang myself by my testicles. There is truly nothing I would like more than to be dead wrong about this, but I'm not ready to hang my dreams on Markov's papier maché knee and and Jackie's locker room speeches. I understand that given the circumstances, it's difficult to have expected more out of this group, but it's time to realize that we don't have to wait for the entire bag of shit to hit the fan before we make a change.

The Habs do everything with class. They honor their alumni like no other franchise in sports, they kick off the season with awesome montages (the turd of this October not withstanding) and they never call out anybody mid-season. But for Molson to publicly support Gomez borders on incompetence. Nobody says you have to bury him, but don't go out of your way to say what a great competitor he is and how he ain't going to Hamilton. Way to motivate him, Geoff. If he knows he's staying put and cashing his checks, what possible reason will he have to get out of this funk? Pride? Pride should've kicked in 65 shitty games ago.

Sometimes, you gotta get your hands dirty. You traded a top 2 defenseman (who is on pace for 13 goals by the way) for Gomez and his ridiculous contract. Stop being so worried about your reputation and fix it. You never know, people might respect you even more.

The morning Bell for Tuesday December 6th 2011

Today's not so honorary ringer: Pierre "I'm a fucking liar" Gauthier

Hey jerkoff. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you Mr. Gauthier. Didn't you just finish telling us Mr. Markov would be out 3 weeks or so? So why are they now saying 4-6 weeks? And considering the patient, let's just assume it's 6 weeks. Did you get confused with the 3 and the 6 again? Were you too busy doing dick all about all the problems we're having? You either are a complete idiot who doesn't know how to listen to doctors or this is the conversation that took place:

Mr. Gauthier: Doc, how long will Mr. Markov be out after his 34th surgery?

Dr. Asshole: I don't know, I'm a proctologist.

Mr. Gauthier: Ballpark it for me.

Dr. Asshole: I don't know, a month maybe?

Mr. Gauthier: Well I'm gonna tell the press it's 3 weeks.

Dr. Asshole: He has more chances of developing another rectum in 3 weeks than he does playing NHL hockey.

Mr. Gauthier: Can I go back to bed now?

Dr. Asshole: Yes, right after I milk your prostate.

Mr. Gauthier: Fantastic. Use 3 fingers this time. And no glove.

L'éloquence de la simplicité

En une belle matinée ensoleillée, l'incroyablement éloquent commentateur de RDS passe chez Tim Hortons se chercher un café avant d'entrer au studio.   

Julie: Bienvenue chez Tim Hortons, mon nom est Julie, j'peux prendre vot` commande?

Marc: Bon matin chère adolescente au front luisant parsemé de pustules écarlates. Seriez-vous en mesure de me procurer une de vos légendaires consommations liquides stimulantes?

Julie: Euhhh, scusez pardon?

Marc: Suite à cette glorieuse aube soldée d'une délicieuse rosée matinale, j’aimerais bien pouvoir me doter de cet exquis liquide sombre, opaque et reluisant que maintes personnes au Canada et ailleurs considèrent la marque de confiance de leur début de journée.

Julie: Sori, I no spikkin the henglish Mister.

Marc: Ha ha ha ha! Julie, votre sens de l’humour dominant crée des soubresauts d’hilarité da ma panse ébahie! 

Julie: You wanting a hot tea? 

Marc: Votre présomption a raté la marque de justesse jeune demoiselle; je serais tout-de-même ravi que vous me versiez l’homologue ébène de l’infusion pourpre que vous venez tout juste de mentionner.  

Julie: (visiblement exaspérée parle dans son micro) Un gérant demandée à l'avant s'il vous plait!

 

Au même moment, Benoit Brunet, témoin de l'incident, devance son collègue au comptoir.

Benoit: Hey Hey! C'est mon pals Mark Dennis. Comment ça r`garde à matin MD?  Hey Julie! Mon amour! 

Julie: Pour toi c`matin mon Ben chéri d'amour?

Benoit: Ok Jules on`y va: trois doubes doubes pour le crew, un régulier pour Chantalou, deux bagels s`a switch pour Tremblay pis un Tim matin pour Big Ben hold the bacon ch`tau régime ok? 

Julie:  Voilà c'est prêt M'sieur Brunet. Douze et cinquante s'ou plait.

Marc: (fasciné) Morbleu!!! Comment se fait-il que cela fait déjà une demi période désastreuse que je négocie coeur et âme avec cette ingrate employée afin qu'elle me verse un... 

Benoit: (interrompant) Ton nom c`est Marc Denis hein, pas P'tit Robert... T'es vraiment bon Marco Polo. J`t' aime bein tsé même si t'as volé ma job Dennis the Snob. Des fois, dans`vie, c`est back to basics mon homme: tu gardes ton jeu simpe, ta tête haute pis ta langue...dans ta poche.

FIN

The morning Bell for Monday December 5th, 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Tiger Woods

Two years after his entire life went down the shitter, Tiger Woods is a winner again. I can just hear the execs at the PGA screaming in ecstasy. Ratings basically triple when he plays on Sunday, so you can imagine what that means for their bottom line. Down one stroke with 2 holes to play (on the course, not in his bedroom), Woods birdied 17 and 18 to win by one. Love him or hate him, he's the only thing that makes golf on TV watchable.

I was always fascinated by that story. It proved that no matter who you are, if you fuck around on your wife, you're finished. He's Tiger Woods. After Oprah and Obama, he was the most recognizable human on the planet. He made $100M a year for 10 years straight. Nobody, not even Michael Jordan his his kind of global reach and appeal. And he pissed it all away to bang porn stars and hookers. Totally worth it.

In NHL news, only western conference teams were playing yesterday. So basically, we don't care.

Game Review Habs Vs Kings

You know that feeling when you finally dislodge that piece of food stuck between your teeth? That's the kind of relief I felt after the win on Saturday afternoon. The Habs were in dangerous territory. We already have 2 or 3 more games played than everybody else and a win was essential for us to keep pace. So in that sense, the game was a success. I would've liked to see a more convincing win, but who are we kidding. With the amount of injuries we've had to deal with, the fact that we are within reach of a playoff spot and only 6 points out of 4th place is a miracle. The PP finally got something done and Price did his job and kept us in it. I'm looking forward to the BJ this Tuesday.

So just when we were hoping things were turning around on the injury front, we get the news. Pierre Gauthier woke up from his nap on the beach to inform us that Mr. Markov was, get ready for it, going in for knee surgery. Are you fucking serious?? For the love of god. To be honest, I sort of blacked out after that so I missed the rest of his press conference. When I woke up, I was naked and spooning a replica Stanley Cup. That's the 3rd time this week! After listening to it again, I realized why I hate this GM so much. When he finally crawls out of his hole to give us an update, this is what we get. He said Mr. Markov 12 times in 3 minutes, that this is somehow good news because the reconstructed knee is strong, and that Mr. Markov is working really hard to get back. What a douche.

So there you have it. Another month without Mr. Markov. Remember back in the day when you were in school and there was always this one kid who was never there because he was sick? One day it's the chicken pox, next week it's a broken arm, then the measles. At the end of the year, this kid showed up 9 times and somehow got better grades than you. That's what Markov and his $5.75M salary is starting to feel like.

You better be well rested and ready to play when you get back Mr. Markov.

Waldo? Charlie?? Andrei???

Les Rois Apportent des Modifications Substantielles

Nouvelles de la monarchie

La plus grande nouvelle ayant marqué l'histoire contemporaine des Kings se veut un revirement si foncièrement drastique que la fibre culturelle des rois en sera changée à tout jamais.

Jamais n'aurions-nous cru qu'une décision si importante se prenne avec l'indifférence attribuable à des chefs d'états. Au sommet de grandes corporations, des virages aussi stupéfiants méritent l'attention du peuple.

Pourtant la formule laissée loin derrière nous, dans la poussière, ne semblait pas avoir commandé une attention particulière. Les consommateurs avaient épousé sans tumulte ce que les rois offraient.  Mais les décideurs ont vu autrement et dans cette vision ils saisirent l'occasion de changer les choses dans leur plus profonde expression.

Les frites.

Les Kings de Burger ont changé la recette de leurs frites. Plus croustillantes, moins grasses, à meilleur goût, la nouvelle recette a su créer des ondes choc à travers le continent.

Nouvelles de hockey

Le Canadien est à la porte du dernier droit de son voyage dans l'ouest mais il faudrait se résigner sur le fait que le réel mouvement s'est fait vers le sud. Le sud du classement. La majorité des prédictions voulaient que Montréal revienne de ce voyage avec 3 points en banque. L'objectif est encore atteignable mais à ce stade il faudrait quelque chose de plus. Une victoire peu convaincante cet après-midi n'effacera en rien les doutes, fertiles dans l'esprit des gens sur la grande inconstance qui caractérise ce club.

Dans la logique de Jacques Martin cependant, nous verrons sans doute une première période en lion, une deuxième à dormir debout et une troisième à vouloir se tremper les couilles dans de l'acide. Jacques, nous te supplions de faire preuve d'empathie envers les testicules des Montréalais partout à travers le monde et d'ainsi trouver une formule qui verra cette équipe performer avec constance sur une échelle de 60 minutes.

On trouvera chez LA, une équipe similaire aux adversaires de jeudi à St-José. Capables d'une attaque soutenue, d'une robustesse efficace et dotés d'un gardien de but au sommet de son art, les Kings de 2011-2012 ont le droit d'ambitionner. Grands récipiendaires de l'échange Mike Richards, les Kings ont ravivé la flamme offensive de l'équipe au point où Anze Kopitar pourrait se faire offrir un poste comme guard avec les Lakers.

Le match est à 15h. Voulant dire sue des dizaines de milliers de couples ont commencé ce beau samedi par "pas sérieux, du hockey un samedi après-midi?!" Oui mais le soir est libre. Non, non Canadien express à 18h00.