You know what hurts more than losing to the fucking Mighty Ducks? The crap that happened last night, that's what. I was so close to applying for a patent for Habs Logic when it all came crashing down. Losing like that only hurts when you desperately need the extra point. And we did. Badly. As much as I love Carey, I have to question his decision to poke that rebound further away from him, giving Clowe a golden chance to tie it up. And let's not even mention the shootout where he was definitely not at his best. Instead, let's discuss why Travis fucking Moen was shooting to give us a much needed win. Are AK and TP still on this team? Even Louis would have had a better chance. Why does Jackie insist on giving us reasons to hate him? If we lose after AK and TP miss, nobody says a word. Now we get to wonder why this moron sends Moen. Who cares if he has 8 goals this year. This is not his thing. The last time he was put in this position, he was the 11th shooter. And he missed. And he was never given another opportunity. That is, until Jackie saw something nobody else noticed. Perhaps it was a little twinkle in his eye. And to make this even more painful, we had to watch the ship go down as our beloved PK missed his shot. Decent move but he just couldn't lift the backhand high enough.
Ah well, yet another wasted point. Next up, LA tomorrow afternoon. Perhaps Jackie will treat us by throwing Gill in the powerplay.
The good news? Markov will not play. I'm going on the record now saying that something funky is happening with him. This whole thing where he stayed back in Anaheim smells like rotten duck. As a fake doctor, I'm very concerned.
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Morning Bell for Friday December 2, 2011
Today's honorary ringer: David Desharnais
Did you see him out there last night?
Another day, another plate of vegetable lasagna. Habs played a better game in San Jose. Which reminds me of a joke my dad told me when I was about 7. A Mexican fireman had two kids. Hose A and Hose B.
Somebody read the book on Carey for yesterday's shootout. The book says "go to a shootout".
0-2 for Muller and Hunter, making Hitchcock's work all the more impressive. It's not just about the motivating factor. You have to come in with a personality, credibility and a sustainable game plan. Are you listening, coach I think Travis Moen can seal it for us in the shootout?
Now, in all fairness to Hunter (although he doesn't deserve the courtesy) the winning goal by Kunitz would have been stopped by Andre Racicot in a straight jacket.
Adele is still recovering from throat surgery. The pkists are praying for her night and day. In comparison to JM, we think that she could be the more vocal coach the Habs need, assuming she loses her voice forever.
Euro 2012 groups will be announced today. Our money is on Togo.
Did you see him out there last night?
Another day, another plate of vegetable lasagna. Habs played a better game in San Jose. Which reminds me of a joke my dad told me when I was about 7. A Mexican fireman had two kids. Hose A and Hose B.
Somebody read the book on Carey for yesterday's shootout. The book says "go to a shootout".
0-2 for Muller and Hunter, making Hitchcock's work all the more impressive. It's not just about the motivating factor. You have to come in with a personality, credibility and a sustainable game plan. Are you listening, coach I think Travis Moen can seal it for us in the shootout?
Now, in all fairness to Hunter (although he doesn't deserve the courtesy) the winning goal by Kunitz would have been stopped by Andre Racicot in a straight jacket.
Adele is still recovering from throat surgery. The pkists are praying for her night and day. In comparison to JM, we think that she could be the more vocal coach the Habs need, assuming she loses her voice forever.
Euro 2012 groups will be announced today. Our money is on Togo.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Game Preview Sharks vs The team formerly known as the Habs
Ok, so last night was clearly a disaster none of us want to relive. So what is the best way to get over it? Move on to the next game? No. We will dwell. When I turned off the TV last night, I felt like a parent leaving the house while their child was quietly studying in their room. What could possibly go wrong? Well, the child stopped studying the minute I left, called some friends over and started snorting cocaine off a dead hooker's ass while chatting with Jerry Sandusky.
Regardless, the Habs must reload tonight against a much better Sharks team. Want some even better news? Markov isn't playing. He's not even in San Jose. Apparently he stayed in Anaheim to check out Disneyland. News Flash Andrei: You make $5.75M for doing dick all. Your whole life is Disneyland.
I think that Jackie should come clean and level with us. Andrei Markov is dead. They found his twin brother Nikita, slapped some skates on him and asked him to practice with the team while they figure out how to break us the news. And even if he does rise from the dead and play, what difference will that make? We'll lose by 1 goal instead of 3? These issues go far deeper than what 79 brings to the table. The guys don't seem like they even want to be out there.
GMs usually decide after a specific game if they're gonna fire the coach. If last night's game wasn't the final nail in Jackie's coffin, then we better get used to seeing him and his 213 identical emotions behind the bench for the rest of the year. There's no point in firing him when we're out of the race. He even sucked the life out of PK. PK Subban has been smiling since he was in the womb. Jackie stole that smile. He stole it, pissed on it and then burried it under a mountain of boring.
My last shred of hope is Habs Logic. According to its theory, we should win. If we don't, I'm gonna kill myself.
Game review Ducks vs a sorry ass excuse for a pro hockey team
I'd rather not talk about it. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke. Let's start off with a little honesty. I didn't really watch the game. I'm sick as a dog and I fell asleep with5 minutes left in the first. When I peacefully closed my eyes, they were up 1-0 on a nice goal by AK. When I woke up, I felt something was off. Then, as I grabbed my blackberry, I saw a text message from HF4: "I fucking hate this team. They're horrible". How could this happen?? My day was ruined and I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet. I was hanging on to the dream that the message was sent mid game and that they turned it around in time to win.
I go down to the PVR to see the damage and, as god is my witness, something happened that will forever change me. My PVR lit up and started talking. Luckily, I have a stenographer working for me 24/7. Here is the transcript:
PVR: Good morning DC.
DC: Hey PV... Holy shit! You can talk?
PVR: Yup. Nice pajamas loser.
DC: How is this the first time I've heard you talk? You've been here for 3 years.
PVR: Well, last night you asked me to record the worst fucking thing ever, so I thought I would let you know how I felt about it.
DC: You mean Gossip Girl? Sorry about that, my wife lov...
PVR: Not that asshole. The "hockey" game. WTF was that? 3 shots in the 3rd period? 0 for 7 on the power play? If you ever waste 3 hours of HD recording on this ever again, I'm gonna auto record gay porn and let your wife think that it's yours.
DC: Take it easy! How bad could it have been? They were up 1-0 when I fell asleep.
PVR: Well, they shit the bed. And it's not like they were playing an All-star team. This was the fucking Ducks. Losers of 5 straight and 8 of 10. They had 1 win on November before last night! What kind of shitty effort was that? Sometimes I wonder if Jacques Martin even cares. He never seems upset, happy or frustrated. He always has the same fucking expression on his face. And what the hell is he writing down on that little piece of paper every 5 minutes? What a fucking asshole. None of the guys wanna play for him anymore. How the hell do you start the 3rd period down 2-1 and take 15 minutes to get your 1st fucking shot on net?? How does that even happen? And to make things worse, now they have the Sharks and the Kings to deal with. And the best part? The Ducks fired their head coach right after! This means that beating the Habs 4-1 was an unacceptable result for GM Bob Murray. Is this what the league thinks of the Habs? You better win 9-0 or you're fired?
DC: Wow, I never knew you were so into hockey.
PVR: And I never knew you were so into Glee.
So there you have it. Even my PVR thinks we suck. Yet another game to forget. Seems like we have a lot of those this year. At least Habs Logic held up. Watch them win by a touchdown tonight.
Knowing your Emotions Can Be Fun!
Look at what HF4 and I stumbled upon as we were leaving our daily family therapy session...
Tweet Me Your Undying Affection
Now on twitter to exchange thoughts on anything of importance to you or I.
* drawing
Morning Bell for Thursday DECEMBER?!!? 1st, 2011
Today's honorary ringer: Brian Burke
- "I've made some terrible trades in my career". - Brian Burke
You have to respect how candid the Leafs GM is. Telling it like it is, not insulting knowledgeable hockey fans with stupid omertà-like silence or ambiguous and restrained speak. Calling a spade a spade because the whole world knows it's a spade. God love you Burkie and the personality you bring to the game. Monsieur Gomez, Monsieur Price,... it gives me hives.
Habs lose to the Ducks last night, go 0-43 on the PP and prompt duck management to fire their coach Randy Carlyle. What does that tell you Pierre Gauthier. What. Nothing? No? Really? Boudreau collects 2 days of welfare and makes it back behind an NHL bench. Now that's socially conscientious stuff.
I would have rather stayed up last night to watch a documentary on mayonnaise.
Boston goes 12-0-1 in November and capped off the month by beating the Leafs. The champs are playing like it now. We are playing like asparagus.
Egypt is waiting for election results. DC is in Cairo counting the ballots. He's taken Jacques Martin with him in the hopes of getting him mummified.
- "I've made some terrible trades in my career". - Brian Burke
You have to respect how candid the Leafs GM is. Telling it like it is, not insulting knowledgeable hockey fans with stupid omertà-like silence or ambiguous and restrained speak. Calling a spade a spade because the whole world knows it's a spade. God love you Burkie and the personality you bring to the game. Monsieur Gomez, Monsieur Price,... it gives me hives.
Habs lose to the Ducks last night, go 0-43 on the PP and prompt duck management to fire their coach Randy Carlyle. What does that tell you Pierre Gauthier. What. Nothing? No? Really? Boudreau collects 2 days of welfare and makes it back behind an NHL bench. Now that's socially conscientious stuff.
I would have rather stayed up last night to watch a documentary on mayonnaise.
Boston goes 12-0-1 in November and capped off the month by beating the Leafs. The champs are playing like it now. We are playing like asparagus.
Egypt is waiting for election results. DC is in Cairo counting the ballots. He's taken Jacques Martin with him in the hopes of getting him mummified.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Game preview Habs vs Ducks
The Montreal Canadiens begin their Pacioretty-less 3 game road trip tonight with a stop in Anaheim to face the not so Mighty Ducks. Les Canards have lost 5 straight and 8 of 10. This is terrible news. With their recent track record of playing down to their opposition, I would expect them to lose 12-2. But then we got the news that Markov might come back! Suddenly, my outlook on life itself was much less gloomy. Markov's return could finally mean a potent powerplay, smoother breakouts and the general concept of having a less shitty defensive core. Well, not so fast DC. Markov is out for tonight. Our savior will have to be Louis Leblanc. He was called up to fill the void left by our leading goal scorer. Here's how the conversation went:
Jackie: Hey Louis, jump on a plane and get to Anaheim, you're in the lineup tonight.
LL: Really? Not sure if my 14 games in the AHL have properly prepared me for this. Can I ease into the lineup?
Jackie: If by ease into the lineup you mean take over for Max Pacioretty on the top line, then yes.
LL: I can't replace that guy right off the bat! I need some time to settle in. Besides I have a coupon for a free pan pizza at the Hamilton Pizza Hut that expires tonight. Can I join you in San Jose tomorrow?
Jackie: Get on the fucking plane. And don't start coming up with excuses as to why you can't lead this mediocre team to the playoffs, er, the cup. If we win, we'll stop for ice cream on the way home.
LL: Sweet! I'm on my way. Just don't put me on a line with Gomez. By the way, if the team needs a place to crash, my cousin Matt has a huge house.
There you have it. No Markov, no Max. Welcome to the NHL Louis. You thought Harvard was hard? Say hello to the 789 journalists who will dissect your every pubic hair follicle. Now go save this franchise. And for the love of god, trim those eyebrows.
Jackie: Hey Louis, jump on a plane and get to Anaheim, you're in the lineup tonight.
LL: Really? Not sure if my 14 games in the AHL have properly prepared me for this. Can I ease into the lineup?
Jackie: If by ease into the lineup you mean take over for Max Pacioretty on the top line, then yes.
LL: I can't replace that guy right off the bat! I need some time to settle in. Besides I have a coupon for a free pan pizza at the Hamilton Pizza Hut that expires tonight. Can I join you in San Jose tomorrow?
Jackie: Get on the fucking plane. And don't start coming up with excuses as to why you can't lead this mediocre team to the playoffs, er, the cup. If we win, we'll stop for ice cream on the way home.
LL: Sweet! I'm on my way. Just don't put me on a line with Gomez. By the way, if the team needs a place to crash, my cousin Matt has a huge house.
There you have it. No Markov, no Max. Welcome to the NHL Louis. You thought Harvard was hard? Say hello to the 789 journalists who will dissect your every pubic hair follicle. Now go save this franchise. And for the love of god, trim those eyebrows.
The Morning Bell for Wednesday November 30, 2011
Today's honorary ringer: Openly gay senior citizens. Not taking shit at any age no matter who they cuddle with. I love it. If you're on iOS the video below will appear as a huge block of nothing. That's the screw you Apple from Flash. Or it's the opposite. Trust me, somebody's screwing somebody on this.
The two new NHL bench bosses had a damp squid of an evening. Same old offensive struggles for both the Carolina Hurricanes and Washington Capitals as Muller and Hunter can't steer their new teams in a different direction. Canes lose 3-1 to a Panther team that continues to surprise. Jaro tell Olivechkin fak you Olivechkin, I Jaro so no shake for you no more. You no put gol behind to my ass. Blues win 2-1.
Anne Coulter is still an insult to all things on this planet drawing breath.
Iginla rumours are heating up and actor Jay Baruchel is wondering whether Iggy will soon don the bleu-blanc-rouge.
American Airlines is totally messing with my Florida travel plans this winter. Tickets hanging by a thread? Keep it real, American Airlines - don't get all boo-hoo-hoo chapter 11 on my ass now.
Wolfe Blitzer's Situation Room is about as situating as a silent GPS for a guy blind guy with vertigo.
NBA lockout is about to end meaning millions of Americans can resume not watching the NBA.
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