Game Review. These losers won the Stanley Cup??

This is by far the best game review of this young season. Why you ask? Because we beat the Bruins again?? Not really. Is it because the Habs have clawed back from the dead and are 2 points out of 8th? Nope. It's because Perry Pearn is officially the new Devil. The Habs are clearly the best team in the NHL without him. This will be proven after we go 71-0 the rest of the way. Ok, that's enough Pearn abuse. He knows what he did.

Now, about this game. I was at the game last night but not in my ususal season tickets. I left the crowded masses of the white section and enjoyed the game from a different perspective. I had an all access pass to the press box before the game, the alumni lounge in between periods, and Jackie's press conference after the game. And the seats? Right behind Carey's net! And when I say right behind, I mean I'm kissing the glass. My knees would get crunched by the boards at every hit. I could tell that Chara ate a souvlaki earlier. I could hear Carey humming Hank Williams tunes in between whistles. That's how close.

Watching it from there was truly an amazing experience, and I'll tell you why. When you're watching on TV, or even at the Bell Center from anywhere north of the 15th row, it just looks like some millionnaires playing hockey. From down there, it's war. The intensity is off the charts. Not just when they score or after a big hit, ALL THE TIME. You can see it in their faces. Money doesn't matter, it's all about competing, ripping the other guy's head off and winning. After every whistle, they're in each other's faces whispering sweet nothings into their ears. And by sweet nothings, I mean the most disgusting, vial, inhumane things I have ever heard. For instance, did you know that Milan Lucic thinks Travis Moen is a (expletive) piece of feces who likes to perform oral sex on other men? Or that Josh Gorges thinks Brad Marchand is a little masturbator who needs to get sodomized? Well, of course you did. Everybody knows that.

Watching 3 periods from there made me realize that at the end of the day, these are regular guys that are just playing a game. They just play it way better than us and as if their lives depended on it. I don't really know how else to explain it. It's seems so much more human down there when you're not so removed from the action. When the fight between Moen and Thornton happened 6 feet from me, I thought ot myself: the next time some goon says he's not trying to hurt the other guy, I'm gonna lose it!

So all in all, great effort by the boys tonight. I'm a little disappointed in the way they let it get close, but hell, we just beat the Bruins twice in a row and spanked Philly. Anybody who complains about that is an idiot. As much heat as I gave this team after the Halak trade, if Eller keeps progressing like this, we're gonna have a nice slice of humble pie all together. Killer shot on his goal and Rask made a retarded save that 99 times out of 100 goes in. He still has a couple of brainfarts every so often, but with hands like that, I can deal with the mistakes. He's gonna be just fine. Carey's back on track (even if they hit 3 posts), so that's one less thing to worry about and it just seems like these guys have finally relocated their balls and their will to compete.

5 days off coming up... couldn't have come at a worse time. As a parting gift, I give you... Spacek's ass. Enjoy.

Who'd a thunk it. Cardinals pull a title out of their ass.

Did I hear that right? Martin St. Louis won the world series?? And he wasn't even drafted!

I thought I'd step out of the rink and talk a little baseball. I'm a huge Yankee fan and I usually root for baseball to have a spontaneous work stoppage when the Yanks get eliminated, but I gotta hand it to the Cardinals. That was a hell of a season that was somehow capped by the most unexpected game 6 comeback in recent Baseball's history. Now I can say that because the Yankees have a comfortable 16 title lead on the Cardinals. So tonight, they get my praise. Tomorrow, they're just another team.

This team was 3 games back with 5 to play. The fact that they even made the playoffs is a miracle. If the Habs were 6 points back with 5 games to go, the coach would be lapidated, the GM would be hanging by his balls on De la Gauchetiere and an already fired Perry Pearn would be re-fired on live TV in front of his children.

So not only do they make the dance, but they start off by beating the Phillies and the best starting staff in Baseball (up yours Cliff Lee for snubbing the Yankees). Follow that up with a solid win over a well balanced Brewers team and the next thing you know, they're in the World Series vs the defending AL champs. After 5 games, they win what might go down as the most entertaining game in baseball history. Now I have to come clean, I fell asleep in the 9th inning, but when HF4 told me what happened the next day, I damn well soiled myself. When you're 1 strike away from watching the other team celebrate on your turf and you stop them not once, but twice, you get all the props in the world.

So as cool as that was, you gotta feel for Nolan Ryan. The MLB strikeout king had a front row seat for the game 6 meltdown and has now had to watch the other guys celebrate 2 years running. Ah well, serves him right for sitting next to W. Douchyest President Ever.

So congrats St-Louis. Enjoy it while you can because we all know Pooholes is going to the Cubs and the Yanks will be gunning for you next year. So, it's past midnight. Fuck the Cardinals. Yankees rule.

Game Review, but mostly : Fucking Perry Pearn.

Well, it's obvious what the problem was. After stinking up the joint against some of the NHL's worst teams, the Habs just put together 2 impressive wins against teams that on paper, are way better, tougher and meaner than them. Although the Habs didn't play their best, they played their game. Keep it close against a better, stronger team, lean on your goalie and capitalize on your chances. Might not be the prettiest win, but at this point, we need wins like HF4 needs black tar heroin and male strippers.

There can only be one explanation for this sudden turnaround. Perry Pearn was a cancer. And not just any cancer, testicular cancer. I'm gonna role with this analogy. The Canadiens are a scrotum. A scrotum that was once robust but that has wrinkled in recent years. The players are one testicle and management is the other. In the management testicle, Perry Pearn was a malignant tumor. The tumor was about to spread to the other nut, but as we saw in the last post, Molson chopped it off. So the Habs are now a monoball scrotum. That could be the most acurate analogy every conceived.

But it's not just that he was a malignant ball tumor. I can't reveal my sources, but I heard that he was the one that ruined Markov's recovery by smashing his knee with a sledgehammer... He's the Kathy Bates of the NHL. He's the one who distracted Carey on that shitty goal tonight. He's the one who counseled Geoff Molson on letting Ray Lalonde walk and taking over the marketing department. He's the one who told Rejean Houle to trade Roy. He's the one who told everybody to panic about Y2K. He's the one who shot JR. He's the one who put Nelson Mandela in jail. Fucking Perry Pearn. If we win Saturday, he is officially the antichrist.

Perry Pearn What Were You Thinking!

Molson: You guys see how many empty seats in the stands last night?

Gauthier: It wasn't so bad.

Molson: It wasn't so bad? Are you fucking crazy? Do you know how many hotdogs I brought home in a doggy bag?

Gauthier: They give you those?

Molson: I paid for them, who else they gonna give em to? Until someone pays 12 bucks a pop for them they've got my name all over em.

Gauthier: This team needs a boost. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should call a press conference and say some weird shit again.

Molson: It's that freaking Perry Pearn man, HE'S KILLING ME!

Gauthier: Pearn, really? I don't think he's got that much of an impact.

Molson: Are you kidding? He's our special units guy.

Gauthier: Yeah, and our special units are real special. I'm very attached to them.

Molson: What the fuck are you talking about Pierre. Don't give me that weird press conference shit again.

Gauthier: Ok, I agree, we need to shake the boys up, getting rid of Perry will scare the pants out of them.

Molson: Good stuff, but there's more. I want someone from the training team to randomly turn off the lights  in the room at some point today while the guys are suiting up. Maybe one of the trainers even screams boo! Scare the shit of the boys and get their heads on right. That'll set them straight for the season.

Gauthier: What?

Molson: Then, I want you guys to carve a hole under the long dining room buffet table and have a guy pop out of the spaghetti serving bowl and scream Boo! and scare the shit out of the players. Fuck that'll show these guys to slack off.

Gauthier: This is your idea of motivating the team?

Molson: I used to take honey out of a bee's ass to make the honey ale when I was a kid, Pierre. I told you that before.

Gauthier: Geoff I'm really confused and my head's starting to hurt.

Molson: Fucking Perry Pearn. You know I caught that cheap bastard using a Samsung tablet? At the rate we pay him he couldn't even get a first generation iPad? You know he still uses BETA video to work on reviews with the players? I hear he even asked PK to play with sunglasses on the point to freak the other team out.

Gauthier: Who told you this?

Molson: Mathieu Darche, he tells me everything.

Gauthier: Last week Pearn was playing poker with the other assistant coaches and he goes all in with a Jack-10, off suit. Who the hell goes all in with that hand? I'm telling you he was killing this team.

Gauthier: That's not a bad hand...

Molson: You know what did it for me? He brought a bouillabaisse to a pot luck at our house last year. How the fuck are we supposed to eat that? Bring me a salad, a cake, a chicken for god's sake!

Gauthier: What's a bouillabaisse. Does it taste like coriander? I don't like coriander much. Never cared for the stuff really.

Molson: Hey Gauthier! WAKE UP! We've got serious issues here and you're talking to me about coriander?! Get down there and fire Pearn's ass.

Gauthier: Will. do.

Molson: But offer him another job within the organization. Tell him we want to keep him on as a cook. That bouillabaisse was fucking delicious.

Pacioretty Grants Coach Martin Stay of Execution

Finally, we can show you our new banner (look up).

Ligaments shmigaments.

Max Pacioretty took the entire team and its droopy dog old coach on his back and carried them to victory last night. It was courageous and inspiring and beautiful and made me feel all tingly like when that kid is skipping in the fields during the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie.

Determination and will. Look no further than Tomas Plekanec trying to shovel a puck past Philly goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov and Pacioretty taking matters into his own hands by slamming this goal mouth scramble to its definitive end. Pleks was poking at the puck, Pacioretty put his whole body into the effort. Game set and match.

If Governor Pacioretty made the call to grant Martin a stay, you have to think that Carey Price dialed the number. Price put the stiffness to bed (please interpret that in any direction that suits you, they all work and are probably all true), shed the Pretty in Pink look and moved back into his familiar groove. It felt like October 9 all over again.

Philadelphia is the shadow of the team it usually is when Chris Pronger is in uniform. With their bone crunching army of sulphuric fury resting a wounded eye at home, the Habs exposed Philly's D-men during the entire second and third periods. The Habs played with a second wind we haven't seen since Irene went from a tropical breeze to a topical bore (thank you CNN for your 3-day world is coming to an end coverage because it's drizzling the flow of hamster pee in New York City).

Coach Martin mourned the loss of Perry Pearn (we'll get to that later today) by doing damage on the special units previously under Pearn's coverage guidance. Montreal scored a power play goal but their play 5 on 5 was strong and continuously on the attack. Erik Cole is starting to show signs that he can be Hall without Oates and soon our kiss will be on his lips in gratitude for his play.

But as Quentin made The Wolfe once say....let's not start....

(you fill in the blanks)

So maybe back to reality tonight my dear friends. Or maybe not. Check out your Bruins record this season and that Stanley Cup banner hanging at the Garden may be the only thing to feel good about in la ville des fêves right now. 

Just pray that Governor Pacioretty continue to find it in his heart to spare the poor coach's life.

JUST MAKING SURE YOU GOT IT

Like we said yesterday, what you see above would beat the Habs.

Game review: Habs vs Les Pantheres. Tabarnac.

DC reporting live from the sunshine state. That's right, I came to Miami to watch the Panthers play in Montreal. Well there's not much to say after that. So I thought I would comment on what it was like watching the game in Miami on the Florida Panthers home feed. It was....interesting. And by interesting, I mean embarrassing. The reason I say this is the announcers have no idea what's going on. They must have made 50 mistakes ranging from funky pronunciation (Youvi?) to completely insane analysis. The epitome of this incompetence was beautifully displayed when they showed Henri Richard signing autographs in the crowd. Steve Goldstein then says: This is a treat, Maurice the Rocket Richard is here tonight, winner of 11 Stanley Cups. Are you serious Goldstein?? The Rocket's been dead for over a decade. Stop snorting sunscreen and pay attention.

Back to the pathetic display. Let's start with the good news. Jackie used a timeout. And that concludes the good news. I don't care that we got 40 shots. That was the silver lining against Buffalo. This was the Panthers. THE PANTHERS. Perennial 13th place finishers. the team who's goal every September is: Let's just be better than the Islanders. The team that sells its tickets for $6. This is the team that gives us trouble? And who the hell is Mike Blunden? Mike Blunden doesn't get to play for the Habs. I think it's safe to say that the Habs would lose to actual panthers. Panthers with skates on would beat this team. Panthers with skates on, coached by Barry Melrose. Tabarnac.

Occupy This

Jack Todd called for heads today.

We thought about doing that too.

Call for heads, ask for a change. Rattle off a long list of failed draft picks, trades, line changes, timeouts. Demand a revolution. See everything in black. Perceive ineptitdude everywhere.

Had the team been 6-1 instead of 1-6, we would have interpreted everything Gainey and Gauthier have done as the stuff of Mensa. Drafting PK, drafting Price, having the inner fortitude to trade Halak, signing Cammalleri, reeling in a leader like Gill...and so on.

Brian Burke laughs at media criticism. He aptly says, if these people knew anything about hockey, they would be in hockey (that must hurt, Pierre McGuire).

So where does that leave the media? And the poor bloggers? Are they not to criticize because they don"t know what they're talking about? Are they reduced to silence because they're not in the room with the boys? Can we not draw any conclusions?

It's so easy to fall prey to the fire the coach banter. It's just as easy to indulge in overhyping when things are going right.

All in all, neither really belongs.

When evaluating the talent pool in the NHL's teams front offices the prevailing sentiment is that there are about 4 or 5 phenomenal general managers, while everyone else is fortunate to occupy the position. That isn't to say that these GM's are incompetent, it just means that their natural skill set isn't as polished as the privileged few who year in, year out, find the way to ice a very competitive hockey team, regardless of cap, injury or drafting issues.

Pierre Gauthier has made some incredibly questionable moves, some a neophyte would have hesitated on. I think Bob Gainey and Gauthier knew when they signed Gomez that he wasn't getting the star player from New Jersey. Gomez had already lost a step in his Ranger years but he wasn't playing in the intelligent Devil system that, incredibly, while focusing on stingy defence, still affords the star players the platform to bury the net. (We criticize the Devils for having killed hockey but while they were allegedly doing that, guys like Gionta, Elias, Gomez, Holik, Guerin and company were still putting up better individual numbers than most Habs have compiled in that time.)

One thing is for certain, when compiling the cons list for Gomez, Gauthier could easily point to a heavy contract but not to the possibility that the forward would suddenly become the newest 40-40 guy on the team. That is to say, scoring a goal every 40 games while barely reaching 40 points on the season.

Gomez and Cammalleri struggled offensively last year. They had the worst seasons in their respective careers. Is it the system Martin has implemented? Does that really make sense? That's not really his track record. Players like Martin Havlat, Marian Hossa and Daniel Alfredsson blossomed under his tutelage. Both Zdeno Chara and Wade Redden had strong offensive contributions. All Martin needed was a quality goaltender to make a dent in the playoffs.

We can point to Gauthier's caving to the Markov camp and aquiescing to their demand for a third year on the contract...

Are Martin and Gauthier really that bad? They may, they may not be. We don't know what the inner dynamics of the team are. As an organization, rest assured, their primary goal is to turn a profit, the largest one available. On a whole, the Canadiens are succeeding admirably at doing this. And this is where we may be very justified in pitching tents on de la Gauchetière.

The beef we have with Gauthier and Martin lies in their inability to relay anything of substance to the public. This disdain for the media and the right to convey any message of meaning or importance to the fans that line their pockets is nothing less than offensive. I don't need them to be Michael Winslow from Police Academy rattling off every sound and noise under the sun at a press conference. But give us something. The corporate greed that has seen ticket prices rocket since the lockout, the profit obsessed mentality that has seen the brass carve out the seating chart at the Bell Centre to squeeze every possible penny out of your pocket while the team has won so little in the playoffs - they speak to a sense of priority that isolates the sense of belonging a fan yearns for. The seating chart today looks like a board game on an acid trip. The team has begun to speak through silence. We don't care about you, because we are market proof and whatever we do, you have shown us that the number on the board game in game out reads 21 073.

It's a dangerous game to play and the lead now belongs to Geoff Molson. Some will say forget it, as long as they win I don't need them to be Brian Burke. I disagree. While I don't need the forthcoming candour of the Leafs colourful GM, I do expect some shades of charisma from at least one of your bridges to the public - the coach or the GM. Why? Because it's in harmony with the "feeding off" factor. The team feeds off the public, often times a deciding contributor on the ice. And the public feeds off the team and how it presents itself. Phil Esposito made a passionate plea for patience and understanding to the masses when Russia was showing Canada the ropes during the Summit Series in 1972. All of a sudden, the country empathize with the players. Win or lose, they would be a team Canada could be proud of.

The fact is, the team is tanking today and Gauthier is still giving us the bizarre distant descriptions of a "Monsieur Gomez" here and a "Monsieur Price" there. MONSIEUR?!! Are you serious?!! Have you guys completely lost touch with what this team represents to the public? They are not Monsieur. They are Guy, Patrick, Cammy. They are Carey, Larry, PK. They feel like family. They aren't a Canada Revenu agent.

Is it early to ask for firings? Maybe it is. Do we know on what grounds? The record isn't enough. Coaches have been let go with decent records on their performance sheets. Look at Marc Crawford last year, fired after a 95-point season. If emotion is required to will this team back to life, there may be cause for concern. If Muller was in fact the spark that made the room feel tighter, warmer, closer then the intangible that is communication becomes just as important as the ability to score on the power play, or make an important save, or dive for a key shot block.

Can that passion be relayed to the players? The fans do not see it and the code of omertà that has shrouded this organization for years may create a disconnect that may begin with 21 072 and counting...

Game Review. Guess What?! Habs get pushed around & lose. Again.

This is very difficult for me. I usually relish the moments I can make fun of the Leafs for sucking. But they've beaten us twice this year and the Habs are making it very hard to stand up for them. Good thing I am not an objective reporter. Leafs suck. They always start strong out of the gate and end up losing 10 of 12 after. They ain't making the playoffs. Right? Plese say I'm right. I feel better now. Besides, I have bigger fish to fry.

My fish is Jacques. I know he's not on the ice. I know the team is ravaged by injuries. I know that the same players who played great vs Buffalo 5 days ago also sucked vs Pittsburgh and were mediocre vs the Leafs. It can't all be his fault, but man does he make it easy to blame him. Are there any other playoff teams out there who keep throwing a 500k/yr player on the 1st wave of the PP? I like Darche, I really do. In fact, his mother was my elementary school teacher. I think he's a valuable piece at a good price. But on the PP? The guy has cement hands and can't finish. And why can't you call a fucking timeout once in a while?? I remember screaming at the TV when Carbonneau wouldn't take one. I thought it was inexperience behind the bench, but Jackie has 6000 games under his belt. Is he saving them up? Does he think that unused timeouts can be traded in for a free 12 inch sandwich at Subway? Or maybe he thinks he can accumulate them and use them all in the last game. A coach's job is to get the best out of his guys. We might not be a cup contender, but we're not a 1-6 team either.

It's clear our blue line is in shambles. Carey can't see anything and gets run over all the time. Even Gorges made a huge gaffe on the Kessel goal. That never used to happen. We've got $10M in defensemen injured and it's really starting to show. With these kinds of defensive breakdowns, there's no way PK can do his thing.

And you know what hurts the most? Getting the loss shoved down our throat by none other than fucking Grabovski. I've never wanted to punch someone in the face more. Good thing the Habs rarely give up talent for nothing. Right? Please say I'm right. Well, unless you count Ribeiro, D'agostini, Sergei, Guillaume and McDonagh (remember him, he's kicking ass). Look up their stats. We'd be lucky to have them. Thank god for Pouliot. He's still crap.

Thanks Bob/Pierre. 1 out of 7 ain't bad. Just like the Habs record.

Martin Goose and His Imprinting Habs - Leafs Game Preview

Oh Lord, the insufferable bore that is Jacques Martin has rubbed off on his players. Simple, it's called imprinting. When baby geese are born they mimic their mother goose.

Kirk Muller, the charismatic voice of the room, the mentor, the rallying point, the bridge between the bland blandness of coach Martin and his players - gone. Is the room affected by the void? No clue. It's all speculation, but hell it's staring to look as if this coach can't find the chemistry in the room or behind the bench to whip the boys into form.

A loss to the Leafs tonight and you've got to start believing that the countdown begins somewhere in Pierre Gauthier's mind - even though he may also be part of the bland equation. Missing playoffs, firing coaches, this is the banter you begin to hear when you begin the season with the first 10 games being a write off.

We're almost there, serious questions time. Imagine what a 2-10-1 record would look like. It's a huge mountain to climb and trend to reverse. Maybe the blessing in this is the 2-4 week absence of Scott Gomez. Maybe Lars Eller finds the promotion he deserves and the team responds to the annoitment of a new important centre. Maybe that spells the end of Gomez on the top 2 lines, and inevitably of Gomer in Montreal. But with that contract, how do you move him? Buyout, minors, whatever it is, it's going to be ugly.

Tonight, they HAVE to win. The season is 7 games old and they have to win. Scary.

Game review. Fat flightless birds beat up Habs.

Well, what can one say after that display. I stood up for these bastards after they lost to Buffalo because at least they showed some fight. Last night was a different story all together. Can someone please explain why Joe Vitale is not on The Sopranos instead of scoring on us? Ever notice how the Habs always get scored on by people with 1 or 2 career goals? Seriously, start paying attention. You'll be blown away at how many 4th liners make a career against playing the Habs.

So let's recap.

1) Carey was good, not much he can do on goals like that and he made huge saves on a couple golden chances.

2) PK did his thing, but I am unfairly disappointed everytime he doesn't completely dominate. That's what happens when you give us a taste of greatness...we want it all the time.

3) Next time Darche is on a breakaway, he should just skate right into the boards.

4) Gomez gets hurt which somehow seems like both great news and terrible news at the same time.

5)Aaron Asham can bat pucks out of the air just as well as he can knock people out.

1 win in 6 games. Barf. Everywhere.

Wouneded Two-Headed Monster is Still a Force: Habs-Pens Preview

Who on God's green earth is James Neal and why does he have more goals than the entire Eastern Conference?

How do these Pens not miss a beat when their killer duo is on the sidelines. They pulled this trick before and they're at it again. Sans Malkin and Crosby, coach Bylsma gets in there and enforces a backup system the team believes in and buys in to. Not a shabby feat. He adds a suspended Kris Letang to his list of problems now but this guy can coach and as we saw from last year's HBO special he can act, and cook and be a good dad and husband. Sounds good to me.

Coach Martin on the other hand, dealing with similar injury troubles can't seem to find the team's rhythm nor create any sense of system. Are they a firewagon hockey club or a defensive clam? Are they a trap team or is there enough distance between the D and forwards to run a marathon?

Price waits for 100 Ws and why this is suddenly a story is beyond me. PK looking for adulthood. Gomez looking for a point. Cole looking for a goal. Gill looking for a win on this 1000th night of regular season hockey. Kudos to him.

Win and breathe or lose and risk a serious downslide after a difficult game against an always antagonizing leafs team on Saturday.

Don't kid yourself, the season is early but this is an important game. Not playing to standards for a leader that Gill has become will have a reverberating effect on the room. Win it for the big guy boys and let Price and Gill fight over the rights to the game puck.

You say potato, I say poutine.

Well, this blog has been up and running for about a week and there has been no mention of the french vs english jihad yet. Well that stops right now. Why am I bringing it up you ask? Simple. The Habs have lost 4 of their 5 first games and that can only mean one thing... fire the coach and GM! We're 2 weeks into an eternally long season and some people are already calling for Martin and Pierre's heads. And whenever the shortcomings of the Montreal Canadiens head honchos are brought to light, the next question is always: "Who do we replace them with?" Well as of right now, there is not only slim pickins out there for bench bosses and GMs but there is also no chance Jackie and Pierre are even on the hot seat. So again, why am I bringing this up? Because the language debate within the management of this organization amuses me. It amuses me because it's so fucking stupid. Let me start off by saying that by definition, I am a francophone as it was the first language I was taught (sarcasm isn't a language, is it). I'm also happy and proud to consider myself fully bilingual. If you meet me for the first time, you will probably have no idea what language I am more comfortable with. And there in lies the problem. People need to be more like me. Case closed. What's so hard about liking both sides? When I'm within Canada, I'm proud as hell to be from the coolest province. Let's face it, without Quebec, Canada may just be the most boring country ever. We may be corrupt and drowning in debt, but we have the hottest girls, the best restaurants and nightlife and what we refer to as "des danses à dix". But when I leave the Country, I'm also proud as hell to be Canadian. Why is that so hard to understand???

As the poster boy for frenglish bilingualism, I can sympathize with both sides of this debate. On one side, it makes absolutely no sense to limit yourself to a small section of an already tiny talent pool by having to select a french speaking coach or GM. On the other, the Canadiens are not just a team, they are an institution here in Quebec. It's actually the most recogniozable symbol in the province. More than Mickey Mouse and the crucifix! So is it so crazy to think that the masses want to be able to connect with the leaders of the team in their own language? No it's not. But....

Over in Europe, they play a game called football, only with a sphere shaped ball with a checker board pattern on it. I've seen this game played, but only on the eastern part of this island by people with funny accents. My point it that over there, this game (that is only relevant here every 4 years) is more important than life itself. Anytime you think hockey fans are the most passionate in the world, stop wasting your time. Those people make Habs fans look like Expos fans. So if England is able to have a swedish head coach for their NATIONAL team, why can't the Canadiens hire Mike Babcock? There are countless examples of other prestigious franchises all over the world who hire coaches of different nationalities. I know the Swede speaks english, but don't you think there is a qualified Englishman somewhere who can coach a soccer team?? I use Babcock as an example because should he ever become available, 28 teams would be lining up to kiss his ass. The only 2 not in line would be the Wings (they just fired him remember?) and Les Glorieux. And that my friends, is completely insane. You know why? Because even the most closed minded bill 101 lover would sell throw principles under the bus for a parade down Ste-Catherine. There in lies my issue with this whole debate. The frogs that preach on the french side just want something to complain about when we lose and the blocks on the henglish side have no idea what it feels like to be outnumbered and feel like your culture is slipping away. Nobody really cares. The only thing we know for sure, is winning cures everything.

Mark my words, should the Habs ever win it all, there will be more half french half english babies born 9 months later than ever before.

Yours truly,

Les Cerises à Dônald

I have good news and bad news. Habs / Sabres post game

Last night's game was annoying. Not Celine Dion annoying, but pretty close. Let's start with the bad news. We lost and that sucks. In a league where every point counts, a loss is a loss and it will most probably come back to bite us in the ass. That being said, it feels way better to lose like that than the way it went down vs Colorado. I'm also a little miffed at how we got schooled on that tic tac toe Vanek goal with 3 seconds left. It's a set play that works twice a season and we're the suckers who made them look good.

Last night, the Habs got a little taste of their own medicine. Getting outshot almost 2-1 and still coming out with an undeserved win is our thing! So although it doesn't help one bit in the standings, the way we lost was much easier to swallow. Ryan Miller is a hell of a goalie (even if he looks like a tree huggin' hippy) and he's gonna win some games all by himself. Case in point.

The good news is Carey looked solid, PK was 100% better with his 25 mins of ice but still not where he should be, and the forwards did everything but score. Pacioretty looks like a man posessed with 9 shots on net and who knew Cameron's kid brother knew how to do that!

Let's not forget our backend is decimated. You can't keep chugging along after losing Markov, Campoli and Spacek as if nothing happened. We've seen the Habs get off to great starts just to struggle later on and still barely slide into 8th spot.

This year, I'm willing to try it out this way and see what happens... It's all I can say to talk myself off the ledge,

Bathing Babies and Buffalo - A Habs/Sabres Game Preview

So Don's Cherries and I found ourselves in very similar situations, being metrosexual men of the times. Modern Men, men women want to marry and have many babies with. And as modern men, we espouse modern thinking, like hell ya bring on gay marriage, and of course we endorse a black president and of course Entourage would make for an intellectually earth shattering movie.

You see Don's Cherries and I (we'll discuss Panger tomorrow...you won't want to miss that - and GG tells all on the ledge here) both have young children. Very young. To be honest, DC and I are not married to one another although our wives may have something to say about that. But DC and I click because we have children and we parent the bejeesus out of them. Spokes people for Gerber call us everyday to take pictures of us because they want a new logo; DC and I both cradling the Gerber baby.

This game review, yes this is what it is, comes to you courtesy of both DC and I not being able to post sooner. I called DC an hour ago, I said I'm alone with the baby, I can't post now and I have to give the one with baby man boobs a bath. His response to me is bathed in symmetrical realism. "I can't post right now, I've got to give the baby a bath".

Evidently, DC and I aren't living it up Don Draper style telling the women what to do while we sleep with our mistresses. We bathe our babies before we post. And then we dry them, and we put zincofax on their baby butts and we sing to them to deter them from possibly peeing on themselves. A rush against time and baby bladders, baby bladders you should know having the patience of a 20 year old man with ADD on a cocaine binge.

Now you must take cognizance of one fact. The baby bath is a scary place to be. There is water and a baby, for starters not my favourite combination. Then there is water and urine. The urine is usually introduced into the water early into the bathing process. One has to make amends with this very quickly and look beyond the fact that yes, my child is taking a bath in his own pee. Then there's the head bumping on the tub fear. Will baby jolt his head back as water splashes into his face and crash his head on the edge of the baby tub? And then you can't forget the jolting forward and splashing face first in the water. Will you fish him out the water quick enough before he ingests a lethal dose of soapy urine infested water?  And then to make it all perfectly harmoniously terrifying there's the Cirque du Soleil acrobatic wonder that is taking a slippery soapy baby out if his bath and draping him in a warm towel without dropping him in horror to the floor.

I think this draws a much wanted comparison, if we, DC and I, are taking our kids to their baths, can the Habs bathe in victory tonight?

Can they wash the mediocrity out of their game?

Really.

If the Habs took a page out of your bloggers' books and acted like responsible adults they would take the business to the tub. Rub-a-dub-dub style. Wash your children, you Habs. Be mindful, be adults. Stop playing in your own end like it's that crazy freaky colour ball zone at Ikea and make the sheet of ice you play on the tub you bathe your children in; the place you go to become men.

Brooks Laich Concussions... and can save you 15% on car insurance.

We now join a conversation between Brooks Laich and the Media already in Progress...

Reporter: Brooks, you recently said you did not agree with the NHL's protocol on the treatment of players who may have had a concussion. Can you elaborate on that?

Brooks: Hello, me Brooks Laich. Me no think concussions are that bad. When head hurts, me listen to the sounds of the ocean and feel better.

Reporter: That makes no sense. Medical facts show that if a player has a concussion and doesn't know it, he can really make things worse by playing too soon.

Brooks: Player knows what's best. Me always performs my own operations. Me does ACL repair all the time. Brain not as complicated as knees and shoulders. Look, me make fire.

Reporter: Brooks, Do you think the referees will be ok with you turning the butt end of your stick into a spear?

Brooks: Me need to get food for dinner. Going to hunt for deer right after game and maybe kill zamboni driver. Look, a squirrel.

And Scene.

So let me get this straight. Dr. Laich thinks that players who get their brains scrambled are in the right state of mind to determine if they can go back out there and perhaps sustain an even worse concussion?? Wow. I just wrote a piece on how we should stop complaining about guys getting knocked out in fights, but when they do, let's not send them right back out there!

Trust me, I know what it's like to be a hockey player. I played for many years and played at the highest levels (of catholic school house league). When I would get my bell rung, all I wanted to do was to get back out there. But my coach (sister Mary Catherine) would always tell me to suck it up or I would go straight to hell. I kept going back out there and now look at me. I'm a fake doctor who writes on a sovereignist/federalist affirmative action hockey blog.

I get it, these guys worked their asses off to get where they are and they don't want to screw up their once chance because of a headache. But we've seen countless examples of what can happen if a player comes back too fast. There's a player on the Penguins whose name escapes me at the moment who apparently is a prime example of this. Although I am certain that we are just a few years away from cloning human brains and making this a moot point, I think that for now, players need to follow the strictest of protocols before getting back on the ice.

Doctors are there for a reason. Trust me, I pretend to be one every day.

Remember When.

Remember when Tie Domi would pretend he had the heavyweight belt on after every fight or when Bob Probert would do a line of coke in the penalty box after kicking the shit out of some poor bastard? Those were the days.

Poor Aaron Asham.

Two nights ago, in a game between the Caps and Pens, two of the fiercest NHL rivals, Aaron Asham DESTROYED Jay "Reagle" Beagle in a fight. He basically knocked his ass out with not one, but two consecutive right hands. Beagle was out cold before he hit the ice. Asham then signaled to the crowd that Snoopy was safe at home plate and was asleep.



Let me start by saying that I've been a big fan of Brendan Shanahan's overhaul of the NHL's criminal justice system. Nobody wants to see blind sided headshots or dirty stick work on the ice. That's what porn is for.


But for now, fighting is legal in our sport so enough with the hypocritical bitching and whining about this incident. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't care if they banned fighting all together. I don't go to the Bell Center hoping to see one and I never leave disappointed if nobody dropped the gloves. Fighting may be controversial, but when a good one happens, everybody's talking about it the next day. So until Gary and his boys get rid of them, let's stop making a big deal about this thing.

Fighting is either in, or out. There's no in between. We're never gonna make fighting classy unless we make the guys slap eachother with white gloves and speak with a british accent.



It is by definition a moronic, barberic way to settle anything. But if I'm not the one getting my ass kicked, I'm fine with it.


Two grown men decided to drop the gloves and settle a score. The second your gloves hit the ice, it's a binding contract that you signed saying that if you get your face pounded, you have only yourself to blame. I'm tired of hearing goons say that they never want to hurt the other guy. Really? When I take my fist and repeatedly hit your unprotected face with it, I'm usually trying to hurt you. So man up. You get into a fight, you might get knocked out. And if you knocked someone out, don't apologize for it. I don't hear Ovechkin apologizing for scoring the 6th goal of a blowout game saying that it's not classy to keep pouring it on when the game is clearly over. Ovy has a job to do, and so does the goon... for now You don't like it, then get rid of fighting, but don't complain when someone gets hurt.

All Downhill From Here - The Avalanche in Montreal

Things seem so complicated during a losing spell. Therein lies the cure - simplify the game.

The Canadiens have lost the ability to defend their zone. Opposing forwards scream through the Habs blue line at will. Carey Price cannot stop a puck anymore than Erik Cole can get one on net. PK is looking like the foolish rookie trying so hard to do so much, only to cost the team that much more.

3 games out of 4 now, Montreal hasn't just been bad, they've been last place bad. In that scare we also find the comfort: the season is only 4 games old.

The boys frankly can't play much worse in their own end.

The unfortunate thing is that Montreal's poor defensive showing completely eclipsed some inspiring play at the opposite end as the team held a wide lead in shots over the Avs throughout the game. The forwards were overshadowed on a night where Hall Gill looked like skating was the most arduous task anyone could as of him, where the rookies turned in rookie performances that featured rookie mistakes such as taking a penalty late in the third that allowed the Avs back in the game. A determined Travis Moen looking every bit like a power forward, Lars Eller showing quick hands and spontaneous skill, Kostitsyn playing loose and Pacioretty renewing hope in Montreal that their long awaited natural scorer may be on the horizon  -  all this laid to waste by uncommitted, unfocused, incoherent defence.

It's a downhill slope these Habs are engaged in and as word spreads around the league that anything inside the Habs blue line is a free for all things may get far worse. No reason to throw the life boats to the water but there is cause for concern. Why so deflated on Thursday for the home opener? Why so easily prone to shut down for the last 2 periods during the season opener in Toronto? Is this group that took the eventual Stanley Cup champions closer to the edge than anyone else simply believing they are that good instead of going out there and proving it?

The season is young, the answers will come. Some of the injured will heal and the team will define its own sense of bonding. But there appear to be glaring holes on D so for an organization that prides itself on having hired a defensive specialist to man the bench, this should merely be a matter of early season tweaking.

Tweak fast.

The Avs, Leafs and Flames were all greeted with biscuits and tea at the Montreal blue line. Carey is alone and so far incapable of posting bail for the deficiencies before him. And when time came to take responsibility in last night's shootout, he wasn't up to the task.

Discomfort, worry, unease, these are all part of the conversation. Coach Martin has some work to do to get the players out of their heads and have them recommit to the simplicity of the game.

The Lost Boys - The Only Game Review that Matters

I reckon that a few hours before the home opener against the Flames, Geoff Molson rallied his marketing team at the Bell Centre offices.

It probably went like this.

- Molson: Lookit, the game starts in three hours and we got no opening ceremony.

-Random staffer: Yeah, Geoff, we've been trying to tell you for weeks that we have to get..

-Molson: SILENCE! (imagine him sounding like Ian Mckellen there). We've got a ceremony to prepare and it's gotta be perfect! The years past have been awesome. That 24 theme with Jack Bauer with Kiefer being all kickass Jack and stuff, wooooo! And the awesome music over the years, U2 and the Killers, just instantly recognizable great stuff. And what about the montages. The home to rink one a few years back or last year's comic book strip. Man those were too good. Well we've gotta be that good today.

- Random staffer: Any ideas?

-Molson: Where's Ray Lalonde?

-Staffer: He doesn't work here anymore.

-Molson: What the fuck!?

-Staffer: You didn't know he left?

-Molson: Focus people. We've got a major show to put on here.

- Staffer: What's our budget?

- Molson: Seventeen dollars. You've got 3 hours and 17$ to set up the best damn opening bit this city has ever seen. Now that's the best working conditions I've ever heard of. When I was a kid I used to make honey ale by extracting honey drops right out of a bee's ass. It hurt like hell. Ok first things first, what kind of music do we use?

- Staffer: Arcade Fire's big right now, local gig, Grammy win..

- Molson: I GOT IT! We're gonna play a song by INXS!

- Staffer: Really?

- Molson: Fuck yeah really.

- Staffer: Which one? Bitter tears, I need you tonight? Suicide Blonde?

- Molson: Never heard of em. No, we're going to play a song from INXS from the soundtrack of the movie the Lost Boys. It's called Good Times. Kiefer was so badass in that too!

- Staffer: What?

- Molson: Yeah and for the montage, we're gonna take the old home to rink clip the team shot a few years back and you're gonna photoshop the heads of the old players like Saku and Kovy and shit and replace them with today's boys. People are going to FREAK OUT! It's gonna be so cool.

- Staffer: Geoff, I don't..

- Molson: Shushh, I'm on a roll here. Then I want you to tell Michel Lacroix to introduce the players in totally random fashion. No alphabetical crap, and don't get me started on numerical order. Just toss the names in a bag and throw the players out on the ice in the order the names pop out. Totally hip stuff.

- Random staffer: And where do the players line up?

- Molson: In a circle like last year.

- Staffer: Should we tell them where to stand.

- Molson: Are you freaking serious? The guys know how to stand in a full circle. Ok that's it. INXS, song only I've ever heard of, Lost Boys, rehashed montage, perfect circle at centre ice! 17 bucks, 3 hours. Man I've got goose bumps.

Editor's note: We're pretty sure the Lost Boys theme had a trickle down effect. Habs looked somewhat foggy, Flames looked sharp and Kiefer Sutherland's ego was stroked gently. 4-1 and Calgary made it look easy. Driving home during the third was a no-brainer. Just like opting for Good Times by INXS from the soundtrack the Lost Boys, a movie that came out in 1987, a year where nobody cared about the song Good Times or the movie the Lost Boys.

Game preview: Habs vs Flamers

Ok, here we go. First home game of the season goes tonight vs Iggy and his fellow Calgary Flames, or as Jacques Martin likes to call them, Les Flammes. Now I've been watching hockey in French all my life, and I never heard René Lecavalier, Claude Quenneville, Jean Pagé, Lionel Duval, Richard Garneau, Pierre Houde or even fucking Benoit Brunet call them Les Flammes. With that logic, I look forward to the next game vs les anciennes Trachées d'Atlanta.


It's a wonder that franchise didn't survive there.

Cammalleri and (Sissy) Spacek are out. Palushaj and Yemelin probably get the nod. This year's pregame ceremonies have a lot to live up to. Last year, The Maple Leafs raised the bar by reminding us all that Ice is made of frozen water. Also, Carey Price will try to become the 7th youngest goalie to reach 100 wins after Harry Lumley, Tom Barrasso, Terry Sawchuk, Grant Fuhr, Patrick Roy et Jocelyn Thibault. But more importantly, with a win, Jacques Martin will become the 34th oldest coach to win a home opener on a Thursday night in a non leap year. Go Jacques!

Prediction: Habs win 4-2 in a shootout. You'll see.

The Story of Turtles

FHF was a unique project. In combining satire, humor and hockey commentary it created a product that the four of us felt was sorely lacking and needed in the Montreal sports landscape.

FHF took twists and turns that nobody imagined. From an awkward first couple of posts in the spring of 2007 to the most brilliantly twisted photoshopped representations of your favorite hockey players. It was edgy and weird and funny and all of those things.

But then Golden Girl came on board.

(sorry GG…too easy)

So FHF has filed for bankruptcy after the four of us were found guilty for embezzling millions of dollars in crystal meth and adobe photoshop cd-roms.

We were all forced to turn the page towards new chapters. The Sequel is up and running and as sexy as ever. We hope that inmates across the world will continue to masturbate to the depictions of what Moeman deems attractive.

As for us, on this blog, we will give you something different. We will blog in Punjabi.

But also, we will give a new generation of hockey lovers a voice. Ok too corny.

We will provide you with an alternative….no, too Tea Partyish.

We will invade Wall Street. Fuck, no that’s no good either.

Ok, fine. We will be PK’ists. Call us what you want. The PK’ists, les PK’istes. Hyphenate it, say together. Do whatever tickles the ticklish parts of your glistening body.

You know who I am. I’m a blogging legend. I took a sabbatical last year to feed tortoise with Parkinson’s in Mozambique and in the process I set up a school called Les Tortues qui Tremblent. It was tremendously gratifying.

Stay with us. Become a PK’ist for life.

PK'ists Unite!

There is only one question you have to ask yourself every morning when you look in the mirror. Am I a PK'ist? That, and why did I eat that Burrito? First things first. What on earth is a PK'ist? Well, a PK'ist is a Habs fan who is in love with PK Subban, who is proud to be a Quebecer, but has issues with sovereignty mainly because of its direct conflict with the Montreal CANADIENS. Let’s be honest, if this province separates, the most storied franchise in hockey would be as relevant as the now defunct Mexico City Californians soccer team. That alone is reason enough to vote no. Take a good look at the picture above. If you're not voting for the guy in the middle, this blog ain't for you.

But back to the subject at hand. Another Habs blog is probably the last thing the internet needs, but an affirmative-action-sovereinist-federalist-blog written by jews and arabs?? We checked, there aren’t any. Until now. So check in every day for some hockey talk mixed in with frenglish politics and middle-eastern peace-process suggestions. Be prepared…we’re opinionated and political correctness is as useful to us as Peter Budaj. Here's to a season full of Triple Low Fives!