Jacques, we need to talk.

It's been exactly 2 weeks since Jacques Martin was shown the door. Since that time, the Canadiens have been sinking faster than Leo and Kate. Aside from one inspired performance in Ottawa on Tuesday, they've either been completely outplayed or have fumbled leads. So clearly, firing Martin was not the answer in the short term. Whatever the problem is, it wasn't Mr. Notepad and his incessant scribbling. This leads me to believe that Pierre might be regretting his decision. The 4 game losing streak after the firing can be blamed on distractions caused by the media circus that followed anglo-coach-gate in Montreal. So maybe we would've all been better served if he had waited for another moment. If Pierre calls Jackie to wish him a happy new year, I would think the conversation would go something like this:

Pierre: Hello Mr. Martin

Jackie: How dare you make another call to this house?

Pierre: I just wanted to wish you a very Happy New Year for 2012! You're my best buddy you know. Did you hear Michael Jordan is getting married again? You think Rodman's gonna show up in the wedding dress?

Jackie: Last time you call my number you can my ass and now you call to wish me happy new year and talk about the Jordan wedding? What happens next week? You call to tell me I've got terminal ear cancer?

Pierre: Look Mr. Martin, I know you're mad. The truth is that firing you wasn't even my idea. Larry Carriere made me do it. He said that the team was underperforming and that since Gomez wasn't earning his $8M, that it was all your fault. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.

Jackie: Aren't you his boss? Why is he telling you what to do? Does he have naked pictures of you?

Pierre: Don't be ridiculous. I'm a never-nude. I sleep at my desk most of the work day. He usually tells me if we won or lost the night before, who's playing well, you know, all those details. He said that Cunneyworth was a master motivator and that the language thing was no big deal. He said he would talk to the french media. He said everything would be alright!

Jackie: You're such a douche. Why the hell are you telling me this anyways?

Pierre: Because I think we may have made a huge mistake. We lost 4 in a row after we canned you. And Larry Carriere is now an assistant coach.

Jackie: You and Bob really fucked this all up.

Pierre: I know. But you're so boring in your press conferences. We would always mute the tv and try and guess what you were saying. We were right 98% of the time. The only times we were wrong is when you would call the other team les Flammes. You know what? Forget what I said. I'd rather lose every game than have to listen to those press conferences.

Jackie: I'm gonna have you killed.

Pierre: Thanks Buddy. All the best to the family.

The Morning Bell for the Last Day of this Miserable Season...er...Year - December 31, 2011

Today's Honorary Ringers: Moet & Chandon.

These two guys will make another killing tonight as millions across the globe scramble to fetch every last bottle at the liquor store - only to leave two thirds in their glasses. Fucking genius.

With a nice flare for the dramatic, Danny Alfredsson scored his 400th in overtime last night as the Sens beat Les Flammes. Pierre Gauthier and Randy Cunneyworth were elated as the game notes they sent to the Ottawa coaching staff paid big dividends. It is entirely possible that if the Senators win the cup, Gauthier and Cunneyworth will have their names etched in glory on the trophy.

The Habs are in Sunrise tonight. The big debate now rages across the sunshine state. To go or not to go. I mean DC and I are here. We can afford tickets. Our cars have gas. Our eyes are not afflicted by permanent and debilitating cataracts. And yet, this time around we are on the fence. It's a big old dish of ho hum. Last year the Whiz scored in OT, we all left the Bank Atlantic Center chanting Ole Ole and we marched down Ocean drive, planted the Quebec flag and demanded that it be renamed la Route de l'Océan. If they win, it'll kick off the New Year celebrations in style. If they lose I'm going to wish I had spent the money on my son's college education a good bottle of Avion tequila.

New Year's Eve tonight. That's just unbelievable. Time accelerating. Enjoy your moments. We wish you a heartfelt Happy New Year and thank you for your encouragement this past year as we lifted this PK'ist jet off the ground. Despite the mediocrity that has left us all in relative disarray I still say: Go Habs Go.

I can't believe it's over.

The Cunneyworth winning streak is over. It had to end sometime. And what a run it was. Even in South Florida, it's all people could talk about. The Cuban community here is distraught that the streak is over. Many of them thought the Canadiens were chosen by God himself to win it all. How many teams can say that they scored 6 goals in one game. And against the Senators no less! After a long 1 game streak where the Habs looked unbeatable, Cunneyworth was brought back to earth with a very Habs-like meltdown which saw them lose yet another 3rd period lead.

First it was Stamkos who opened the scoring. Then the Habs came roaring back with 3 straight. Everything was looking wonderful. But then, without warning, JT Wyman, or as I like to call him, the beast from the east, scored his first NHL goal late in the 2nd after a 90 minute review. You could hear the collective "gulp" from the faithful who travelled to see them. We all knew it was over. In the 3rd, les Québécois de Tampa Bay did what they do best. They beat the Habs in a very painful manner. First Bergeron on a goal that we saw at the Bell center 15 times 2 years ago, then Vinny. Despite our best efforts on a late power play, nothing could be done. The streak was over.

People were crying in the streets. How could the dream be over? They looked unbeatable. Randy's line juggling was sublime. Larry Carriere was opening and closing the door on the bench like it was going out of style. We were a well oiled machine. It was supposed to be the first game of the rest of the season. Unfortunately, we had a date with the 13th place team in the east. Clearly the Habs could not sustain this effort against such a formidable opponent. The Canadiens did a great job making Guy Boucher look like a genius. The coach that can't seem to get his guys in gear just needed a date with les Glorieux to put things back into perspective.

The Morning Bell for December 30, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Vitamin E. I fuckin luv ya.

I enjoyed watching the third period of last night's game on the cheapest Internet stream one can get his hands on. Ads constantly popping up right in the middle of the screen, strange and zany colorful mazes vibrating on the bottom, and this weird illustration of coughing up another third period lead.

Our time in Florida continues to amaze us. Workouts on the beach. Walks down Lincoln road. Watching Ichael, now 8 months, steer an inflatable boat into the corners of the pool.

I opened the door on the Habs, just a little crack, and it all came back. The frustration with the clumsy defense, the stupid giveaways on the power play. The inevitable breaking down after 2 periods. If the Cunnyworth Gauthier tandem isn't a sitting duck then Donald Duck is a Venezuelan politician.

I hear Jaromir Jagr had some fun at the expense of his former team. I hear Marc-Andre Bergeron did the same. I hear Boucher was in our system and we let him go for the equivalent of sulfate free shampoo.

Yawn.

Reporting Live from Sunny Isles Florida - The Ocean is Wetter on the other side of the ...um..Ocean

The sales taxes in Quebec goes up another point in a couple of days.

An elephant in Africa just gained another 10 pounds.

The Habs may lose yet another game tonight.

And we're here in Florida in beautiful balmy weather and could not care less if what is already a bad situation gets worse.

It's amazing what distance will bring: perspective.

Put in perspective the fact that every time I venture out to buy a carton of milk on a January day in Montreal several of these plausible scenarios may occur:

• I may slip on the ice covering my front steps and break important vertebras in my back
• I may spend about 90 minutes unbinding the windshield wipers that have been encased in a solid block of ice
• I may skid into a parked car on my way to the corner store which is a 5-minute drive from home
• I will pay a sub-total of 1.25$ for the carton of milk plus 76.43$ in sales tax
• I will crash into a small dog on my drive back home
• The dog owner won't be able to sue me for more than 11$ because you can't get shit out of the courts anymore
• the plaintiff/dog owner will have spent 65,000$ in legal fees to win the 11$
• I'll have gained the court's sympathy because of the collapse of another bridge on my car on my way to court
• I'll wait for about 23 hours languishing in an emergency room to fix my broken hand
• I'll get C-dif waiting in the ER
• The doctors in scanning my hand will have found strange spots - in fearing a cancer diagnosis, they send me for a scan
• I am told there is a 7-year wait for scans in Quebec
• Revenue Quebec taxes my 11$ court award and I'm left with 67 cents

My point? We spend hours on end worrying about the Habs when there are much larger fish to fry. It's cold, and damp and expensive and corrupt and hard to go through. And our government knows we spend our time and money obsessing over this bunch of millionaires. Sneak a peak at an ER in Quebec on game nights. On playoff nights I hear the hospitals are closed.

It's nice to get away from it all, grab some sun and the vitamin E we are so severely deprived of 8 months out of the year and enjoy the condo on the beach that will be foreclosed in a few weeks.

The Morning Bell for Thursday December 29th, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Sidney Crosby's brain

Sid continues to have concussion like symptoms and it appears clear that he may never be the same. I don't see how it's humanly possible to play with the same intesity when you know that your next collision can turn you into a cucumber. I don't think the Pens have a choice in this situation. They have to shut him down for the year. You can't mortgage his future when he's not even 25 years old. This concussion issue to the leagues biggest star is going to make it impossible for the NHL to bury its head in the sand.

I would go through the out of town scores, but I too am out of town, so it's very confusing to me. Besides, we're still 4 points out and I have a policy that I don't care about other teams unless we're 2 points out. It's a great policy. I'm very fond of it. The only non Habs score I will mention is team Canada ripping the Czech Republic a new asshole.

Finalement une victoire pour Cunneyworth.

Buenos Dias PK'ists! DC reporting live from South Florida where english is as rare as condos not being forclosed.

Randy Cunneyworth finally won his first game as an NHL head coach. Although I was the first to poo-poo his hiring, I have to give the guy credit. He shook things up. I just wish he would've done this the second he got the job. The kids that got sent to the corner busted out of their respective slumps. Both Eller and PK scored and played well. Cammy finally scored after 11 games, TP got on the score sheet and Cole continued to be our most consistent scorer. Price needed a win like Charlie Sheen needed a new liver. Although I would've preferred he do this sooner, I can understand why it took so long. It was a huge risk. Had they lost, it would've been like showing the opposition all your cards. Cunneyworth would've been riding a 5 game losing streak after having pulled out all the stops. So let's pat him on the back and remind him that if he loses one more, we'll have him murdered. There is also the chance that Pierre Gauthier and Randy Cunneyworth still run the Senators and tanked on purpose.

So that now coach's first win is behind him, I assume the french media will leave him alone. Rumor has it that a street will be named after him (in Laval) and a new montage will be shown at the Bell Center before games depicting Randy Cunneyworth as Jesus getting crucified. I was starting to really worry that this win would never come. Like the hockey gods were being bribed by Leaf fans.

Next 2 games will be in the sunshine state. Their performance vs the Lightning will determine if I go and pay good money to see them in Miami.

The Morning Bell for Monday, December 26th 2011

Today's Honorary ringer: Jesus Christ

JC would've celebrated his 2044th birthday yesterday. That number also happens to be the number of nanoseconds this Cunneyworth-lead team has had a lead.

No NHL action on Christmas day. Just a sunday nighter in the NFL which saw the Packers get back on the right track with an easy win over the Bears. It was also the NBA season's tip-off. Until Michael Jordan makes a comback or Kobe Bryant sexually assaults another woman, the NBA will not be discussed here.

Habs continue their losing streak on Tuesday. Lovely.

The Morning Bell for Christmas Eve 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Benoit Pouliot

He scored a RIDICULOUS goal vs the Panthers last night. I couldn't find it on Youtube yet but trust me, go find it online somewhere, it's worth it. It was the perfect little Christmas gift that rubs salt in our wounds.

As honored as I am that you logged on to see what the PK'ists had to say this morning, it's Christmas Eve. Go pretend to enjoy hanging out with your family.

By the way HF4, I'm taking sunday off. It's JC's b-day and I'm invited to his party. Should be off tha hoooook! It's my god given right as a Christian to attend. I expect you to post a jewish bell in my absence.

Pouliot Président

Mickey Mouse operation? I don't think so.

The Montreal Canadiens are arguably the most prestigious franchise in all of sports. 24 cups, countless Hall of fame members, rafters chock full of retired jerseys and a following that will travel the world to see them. But for the past 18 years, the team has held on to its accomplishments from the past and tried to pass them on as recent. 18 years is not that long to go without a championship, and that's not what this piece is about. The years of five straight cups are over. Expectations must be revised. My issue is the way this franchise has been run for the last 16 years. The minute the team fired Jacques Demers and Serge Savard, it fell into a tailspin. Today, this organization is more likely to be compared a Mickey Mouse operation. More on that later.

People reminisce about the good old days not just because of the championships, but the constant level of passion and competition we could all count on and took for granted.

The Rejean Houle/Mario Tremblay experiment cost us Patrick Roy and set us back a few years. We kept trading captain after captain, making a steady leadership core something impossible to maintain. The revolving door of green coaches turned a once dream job into a gig with more headaches than an Advil commercial.

The team was up for sale just to see our local business community say no thanks. Isn't this the "Institution Quebecoise" everybody holds so dear? Uncle Sam had to step in to bring it back from the dead.

And after all this, the fans, as unhappy and frustrated as they are, pack the building and surrounding bars and restaurants, hoping for a miracle. They (and I include myself in that group) buy plane tickets and fly across the continent to cheer for them on road games. But their love and support is not unconditional. The Habs are running out of time. The season ticket line might be 15 years long, but a few more years of this, and 21,273 people at a game will be a thing of the past, much like our Stanly Cup parades down Ste-Catherine.

Two years ago, we got a taste of the glory days. We rode a hot goalie and a powerplay to the Conference finals. The city was buzzing. Last year, we took the champs to overtime in game 7. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

Then, it all came crashing down again. Underachieving stars, coach fired, lame duck GM that nobody respects, absentee owner/president and a language debate for good measure. What a disaster. And the worst part in all this is that there is very little hope to hold on to. The few bright stars on the team will be anchored by immovable contracts for years to come.

Mickey Mouse operation? I don't think so. How did this expression ever get associated with something negative? Have you ever been to Disney World? It's the most well organized place in the world. Mickey Mouse is big business and I think he's sick and tired of being compared to loser companies. Ever try getting lost in that theme park, it's impossible. There are signs everywhere. Looking for a bathroom? There's one every 9 steps. Hungry? There's food every 3 steps. Parking spot sucks? Hop on the little train. Fucking brilliant. It's a well oiled machine, not a rusted old Schwinn like the Habs. So no more shitting on Mickey by comparing him to failing companies. Not until I don't have to wait 30 minutes to take a piss at the Bell Center.

Besides, they should change it to Mighty Mouse operation. Where the hell has that guy been in the last 18 years? Left for dead in a gutter, comme les Canadiens.

The Morning Bell for Friday December 23, 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Every NHL player currently not on the Montreal Canadiens. They all did something of value last night in one way or another.

It's way too early in the morning to discuss what happened. So let's pretend, at least for a few hours, that nothing took place. There was no game in Winnipeg. Nobody got embarrassed. Ah fuck it. It was a nightmare from beginning to end. The Habs had a more difficult first period than most pre-teen girls. By the 3rd period, they were already on the bus.

Honestly, what's the point of recapping the rest of the action. We lost ground in the playoff race. Although calling it a race seems ridiculous. If it is a race, it's between a quadriplegic jackass and a bunch of horses. I actually feel terrible for Cunneyworth. To start what is supposed to be the best job of your life in this shitstorm, er, tempête de merde, is tragic.

Game Preview: Habs vs Jets

Two teams heading in different directions face off in the Peg tonight. The Habs haven't won since Newt Gingrich was #1 in the polls and the Jets are 6-3-1 in their last 10. They also have a great home record at 11-5-1.

In order to win this game, the Habs have to implement a very sophisticated system only a handful of teams have mastered. It's a old system but never fails. It's called the "score more than one fucking goal system".

I never thought the day would come when I would cringe after we score first. The Habs play like it's overtime right from the beginning of the game. The problem is that someone has to tell them that it's not sudden death in the first period.

Carey will be back in there tonight. I think it's time he steals one, even if the guys in front of him don't deserve it.

PK did a nice mea culpa after the game. Now we need a carpe diem. This bullshit has to stop tonight. We may not be a top tier team, but we're not this shitty either. At least give us something worth watching. I don't wanna see a boring game in which we competed. If we're gonna lose, let's go down in a 6-5 Blaze of Glory.

Oh, and can someone tell me where the hell Brian Gionta is? I know he's hurt, but I thought $5M a year bought a little leadership. Wanna address the coach change? The losing streak? A team meeting perhaps? The free ride is over Gio. Soon you'll be in the back of the bus with Gomez.

Game Review: Randy Cunneyworth loses to Hawks.

So the Habs did it again last night. They started with a good first period against a way better team. They scored first, which is always (supposed to be) good. They stayed with them. They battled. They hit a post. Then took a little break. Then they put their feet up. Then they got their ass kicked.

What is it about this team and the 3rd period. It's like they think it doesn't count. PK was horrible. He manned up and took a large chunk of the blame on himself but that still doesn't explain how he went from being our best defenseman to what we see today. I don't buy into the theory that he is overplayed. He's young. And have you seen him without a shirt? He's the black Lou Ferigno. I guess maybe the pressure of being #1 may get to him but he has not been able to string together a few good games. Despite this observation, as a PK'ist, I will continue to love him unconditionally. Well, until he fucks up again. Then we trade him.

And now on to the subject of the hour. Am I the only ones who thinks that a french coach would never let this happen? French coaches don't accept losing like english ones. They are the only ones who bring out the best in their players in Montreal. Mr. Cunneyworth, how could you let this happen? I'm sure the conversation between you and your boss went something like this last night....

PG: Randy, what the fuck? I fire Mr. Notepad and you embarrass me like this?

RC: Sorry boss. The problem is that the team, how can I put this, sucks balls. Not nicely groomed human balls, I'm talkin' big sweaty gorilla balls.

PG: How is that my fault? All I do is evaluate talent, make trades and sign players. You're the one telling them what to do. It's all your fault.

RC: Who cares anyways. Geoff already told the planet that I'm out of here at the end of the season and there is no way you're sticking around.

PG: What do you mean? Did Geoff say something? What were his exact words? When did you talk to him? Did he sound mad?

RC: I saw him in the hallway after gym class you vagina. What is this high school? You're a shitty GM. Nobody likes you. Hell, I might even survive longer than you. The media wants a GM who speaks french...but also has a pulse. You're one criteria short.

PG: We had a good run though didn't we?

RC: I haven't won a game yet asshole.

PG: Yeah, but we only lost to Boston by 1 goal! And last night, we were in it till well into the 3rd. That's pretty good if you ask me. Wanan go get some deep dish pizza?

RC: You truly are a complete fuckup.

PG: Peut-être, mais je parle francais.

The Morning Bell for Thursday December 22, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: David Fisher

Claude Giroux had a Crosby-esque comeback last night, solidifying his status as the best player in the NHL right now. David Fisher is the sack of shit the Habs picked instead of Giroux. Where was the minister of culture when that happened?

Habs were in Chicago last night. They were there, but they didn't play, losing 5-1. They were in it till half way through the 3rd when reality set in. The Canadiens peppered Cory Crawford with 3 shots. More on the game later this morning.

No time to sulk though. They're in Winnipeg for a meeting with the much improved Jets tonight. Sigh.

24/7 was amazing last night. It's sad to think the highlite of our season was being featured on that show for 6 minutes. My favorite part is when Laviolette accuses the refs of giving the Habs preferential treatment. Look at the standings asshole, we need it!

Mensa Habs-Blackhawks Game Preview

Habs must do everything in their power to not lose 5-1.

The Morning Bell for Wednesday December 21, 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Kim Jong Il. Why you ask? Because I just found out his real name is Yuri Irsenovich Kim. That, and his favorite movie was Caddyshack. The very thought of him sitting in a mansion watching that movie cracks me up.

Habs got a bit of help last night with the Devils, Sabres and Jets losing. Despite all that, we are now 3 points out of the playoffs with more games played than virtually all the team we're chasing. And did I mention we still have 5 games left of this traditionally horrible road trip?

On the bright side, we have our backup goalie facing the Western conference's hottest team. I hate my life.

Firing Martin was the right move. Hiring Randall Cunningham wasn't.

Je suis un Montréalais. J'adore les Canadiens. Je suis francophone. Je veux vomir.

I'm usually very proud of my city but the coverage we are getting in the last few days is down right embarassing. We've had an english coach for 3 days and you would think the whole world is crumbling down. The Journal de Montreal has already voted Cunneyworth off the island and pulled a bullshit stat out of their asses saying that 72% of Quebecers find it unacceptable that the coach can't speak french.

Let me start by saying that I am a firm believer that people are stupid. A person is smart, but people are idiots. You slap a stat like that on the front page of a moronic publication like the Journal and what do you get? A bunch of simpletons who are so bored, that they are willing to call for a boycott of Molson products. Well, that is until they realize than an import will cost you an extra loonie.

Calm down you bunch of freaks! The Canadiens fired the guy you all hated and just because we don't have a french guy right behind him, you're all about to lose your marbles. Jacques Martin was losing the respect of his players. His decisions were borderline insane and he had to go. Randy Cunneyworth isn't the answer, but it certainly isn't because he can't speak french. The team sucks. They suck in english, et ils sucent en francais. Same difference. It ain't Mr. Cunneyworth that will change that.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about the Hab fans in rural areas who don't speak english. Who gives a shit about them? Are they buying tickets? Are they coming into the city and spending their money at the surrounding bars and restaurants? No. They're watching RDS in their log cabins. I never realized you needed to speak english to watch a fucking hockey game on TV. The Montreal Canadiens have millions of fans. They don't need the ignorant racists who would rather see the team lose en francais, than win in english. Newsflash morons, the coach doesn't say anything. EVER. All the news you ever hear is from anonymous sources or figments of the reporter's imagination. I've got news for you assholes. Youppi doesn't speak french either. Are you gonna boycott orange fur now?

Do you really need a french coach to tell you it's Peter Budaj in nets tomorrow night? Or that PK has the flu? Get over yourselves. It's not enough that the rest of the country, er, the continent, is rolling their eyes at the fact that this is front page stuff?

People keep saying that hockey is a religion in Montreal, they think that's why people care so much. BULLSHIT. If hockey was a religion, we'd be more concerned with winning than with language. This is political garbage. There are countless examples around the sports world showing foreigners coming into sports crazed markets and leading their teams to championships. If Ferrari can embrace a german to win countless F1 titles, I think we can relax on the coach's mother tongue.

It's obvious that a bilingual coach is ideal. The Canadiens have made every effort imaginable to make that a reality. Cut them some fucking slack if they choose to fire a guy mid-season and don't choose to throw another 4 year contract at the next frenchman that you will all want fired within 2 years anyways.

Now that I've gotten that outburst out of the way, let's talk about how moronic this decision was. That's right, after telling how idiotic it is that the coach must speak french, I am now saying it was also wrong to have fired Martin in favor of Cunneyworth. Why? It's simple. As much as I think this whole fiasco is ridiculous, I'm not stupid enough to think that it is not a sensitive issue. As a matter of fact, I think we all expected this reaction from our province.

Let me be clear. I wanted Martin out. I thought his message was stale, his treatment of our rookies was not beneficial to their development and I found his constant scribbling in his notebook to be distracting. But firing him just to hire his right hand man, regardless of language, was senseless. Our anemic offense was Cunneyworth's responsability. Why would things be so different now?

The mistake the Habs made is that they had one chance to try and get the public to accept an english coach. To make that happen, you needed a heavy hitter. Someone with a cup, or a Jack Adams, or... a single win as an NHL head coach. I shat on this team for constantly hiring green coaches, from Tremblay to Carbonneau, so I can't possibly be happy with this decision.

Montreal is a place where you can't afford to learn as you go. Not with an average team that is constantly expected to win the cup. You need a name, someone with credibility. Jacques Martin had that. What he didn't have was the good sense not to play Mathieu Darch for 17 minutes a game.

Had they brought in a Babcock, Bylsma, Ruff or Carlyle, the backlash would not have been this hard. Of course you would have the people who would rant about it no matter what, but you could look at them dead in the eye and challenge them to come up with a more qualified coach. By naming Cunneyworth, they opened themselves up to a world of criticism that they can't possibly withstand.

They put this poor bastard in a no win situation. He can't possibly live up to the expectations and the idiot GM who put him there is on his way out anyways.

Bienvenue a Montréal Monsieur Cunneyworth. Now get the fuck out of here.

The Morning Bell for Tuesday December 20, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: the NHL playoffs.

Yes that stretch of games the Habs will not take part in this year.

Habs can't muster anything of interest against a Bruin team that saw Lucic sit the game out because of suspension.

Yes, Lucic was suspended for one game by the NHL yesterday for his hit on Rinaldo. The NHL deemed this hit on Rinaldo to be far more serious than previous hits on Romario and Bebeto.

The slide is now in Dolby, Widescreen, Technicolor, HD or anything else that is image enhancing.

The season now is clearly as annoying as not finding the cereal you want at Costco.

Geoff Molson but the "I" in interim yesterday with a communiqué that basically read: "our permanent head coach is not Randy Cunneyworth, don't you worry".

Other games in the NHL...yes there were.

The Lakers and Clippers renewed their fierce exhibition rivalry.

The 49ers overcame a power outage at Candlestick to beat the Steelers.

The Habs' power outage proves to be far too crippling to achieve anything of substance on the ice. At this point the Canadiens energy couldn't power a tic tac out of the box.

Game Preview: Anglo Habs take on Lucic-less Bruins

Ok, here's the deal. Saturday's game didn't count. We were all hopped up on Jackie's firing and we didn't really care about the Devils strolling into town. Randy Cunneyworth's NHL's coaching career starts tonight, against the seemingly unbeatable Bruins. So unlike Head & Shoulders users, Randy's got a second chance to make a first impression.

And the Gods must be smiling on him as it will be without Milan Lucic that the Bruins will take the ice tonight. He was suspended for 1 game for his hit on Flyers forward Zac Rinaldo. The hit was borderline and personally, I thought the Miller hit was more worthy of a suspension. Luckily this one game ban works out pretty well for us. This in no way guarantees a win but I'd rather take on the Bruins without Lucic any day.

Also, our fearless leader, Mr. Geoff Molson decided to get off his throne and address the coaching change. He took the time to get his assistant to write a lame ass statement. Get in front of a fucking camera and explain yourself. You're the President of an underacheiving team who's General Manager is right under Kim Jong Il and most hated man in South Korea. Thanks for the 12 lines Geoff. I'll remember that the next time I have to shell out $10 for a warm Molson Ex. You're the god damn owner. Get out there and say that the Montreal Canadiens want to win and they're not gonna hire a french coach in the middle of a season before a potential work stoppage just because the media says they should. And if you don't like it, go fuck yourselves. People are still gonna line up for tickets and buy your shitty beer.

As for the game itself, it looks like we might be without PK who's battling the flu. If he can't go, Diaz will take his spot. Cunneyworth will have his work cut out for him. Boston is tied with Philly for 1st in the East and is on a 4 game win streak, 2 of which were shutouts. The Habs have lost 2 straight, are without Gionta, Gomez and maybe PK. You know things are bleak when you start using Gomez as an excuse if things go bad.

Let's not get carried away here. The Canadiens are nowhere near as good as the Bruins. But we did beat them twice already, so we can throw that out the window. If we win tonight, it's because Carey stood on his head and the guys decide to win one for the Anglo.

La langue de la victoire

L’embauche intérimaire d’un entraineur unilingue Anglophone par le Canadien de Montréal a suscité une panoplie de réactions jusqu’à présent. Les acteurs les plus modérés semblent privilégier la victoire du tricolore, voyant la langue d’expression de son entraineur comme un aspect d’arrière plan, tandis que les plus radicaux se disent indignés au point d’inciter les masses au boycottage des délicieux produits Molson. Permettez-moi de vous faire part de mon point de vue qui se veut rassembleur et inclusif de tous ceux qui seront d’accord avec 101% des mots qui suivront.     

Comme l’a si bien souligné ici mon collègue aux délectables cerises, le Canadien ne se doit pas d’assumer le rôle des Berlitz et Collège Platon de ce monde. Le Canadien de Montréal et l’Office québécois de la langue française doivent demeurer deux entités distinctes. Par contre, il demeure important de souligner que de rompre avec un mandat sociolinguistique que le Canadien s’est lui-même imposé depuis plus de trente ans, ne peut se faire comme l’a fait Monsieur Gauthier, avec autant de dérision et dans l’absence quasi-totale d’explications contextuelles. Une organisation de la trempe du Canadien aurait dû démontrer  beaucoup plus de sensibilité et de compréhension en tenant compte de ce qu’elle représente pour sa majorité de partisans Francophones, toutes origines géographiques et allégeances politiques confondues : un point névralgique d’une identité en constante évolution.

Si une langue ‘ça s’apprend’, Monsieur Gauthier devra urgemment acquérir celle des communications externes et des cultures organisationnelles. C’est à lui de cerner à la perfection ce que représente l’unilinguisme de son nouvel entraineur auprès des médias et du grand public; ce faisant, il sera peut-être plus apte à atténuer la question linguistique susceptible de saboter l’entrée en scène d’un homme qui semble compétent et enthousiaste.

Si dans le contexte d’une tentative de relance de sa saison, le Canadien a choisi d’abdiquer une partie de son rôle social traditionnel, il l'a fait afin de privilégier un aspect de son histoire aussi fondamental que son importance auprès des Francophones: sa gloire. 

Comment perpétuer la tradition des Glorieux lorsque la 25^ème coupe tarde à venir depuis déjà trop longtemps et semble encore loin d’être à la portée de la main? Comment peut-on justifier être le club école québécois des futurs entraineurs de premier plan de la LNH sans en récolter les fruits? Comment peut-on se permettre de ne pas se donner toutes les chances de gagner? 

  

Il est clair qu’atteindre la victoire surplombe désormais tout autre aspect comme enjeu principal chez le Canadien. La Sainte Flanelle est arrivée à un moment où elle doit se confesser; elle doit s’admettre qu’elle est faillible et qu’elle a peut-être lancé les carrières des Tremblay, Julien, Therrien, Vigneault et Carbonneau de ce monde au détriment de ses propres chances de renouer avec son vieil ami Stanley. 

Le Canadien peut demeurer un templin pour les entraineurs francophones mais l’ère du modèle Guy Boucher est arrivée: on peut être Québécois, Francophone, travailler d’arrache pied afin de se retrouver derrière un banc de la LNH, non pas à la vitesse de l’éclair, mais sans causer de tempêtes lors d’un passage nuageux prématuré à Montréal. Désormais, que ça soit en Français ou en Anglais, le mot talent devra être sur toutes les lèvres afin qu'on puisse embaucher un entraineur à plus long terme.   

Ceci dit, nous pouvons tout-de-même espérer qu’un jour, Randy Cunneyworth ou son successeur nous livrera, dans la langue de Molière, une allocution digne de Marc Denis. Pour l’instant, les joueurs du Canadien et leur nouvel entraineur devront se prouver à eux-mêmes, ainsi qu’à nous tous, qu’ils savent toujours s’exprimer éloquemment dans la langue qui se voit la plus menacée au Québec, celle de la victoire. 

Voulez-vous coacher avec moi?

So it's been 48 hours since the Montreal Canadiens hired a coach that can't say: "Markov is never coming back" in French. Suprisingly, the world has continued spinning on its axis, Hell is still unseasonably warm and no pigs have been seen flying through the air. We here at the PK'ists love the subject. Hell, our name obliges us to have an opinion on the matter.

So here are my 2 cents on the subject. The Canadiens should hire a coach who speaks french. That is, if their goal on this planet was to teach French. But it isn't. They are on this earth to win Stanley Cups. That is their mandate as stated by us, the fans. And they have done that better than any other team in NHL history. They pretty much gave Tremblay, Therrien, Julien, Vigeault and Cabonneau their starts when no other franchise would. They have done their part to give a chance to French coaches to pierce through the NHL ceiling. The problem is that they cut their teeth here and then go on to bigger and better things elsewhere. Right now, the list of candidates is quite weak. Bob Hartley? The man is a grade A moron. I'm serious, he doesn't know how to peel a banana. Marc Crawford? His hair scares me and his temper is not in line with the corpse like identity of Pierre Gauthier and the Habs organization. Michel Therrien? We don't double dip here in Montreal, that's disgusting. Jacques Lemaire? Like this guy is gonna come out of his swanky retirement to come deal with the very people who ran him out of town 30 years ago. Joel Quenville? The guy doesn't even speak French... go figure! Patrick Roy? Hmmmmm. I think the hopeless romantic in all of us would love nothing more than for Saint-Patrick to come back and lead this team to # 25. It would also be awesome to see him coach Price even though their personalities seem so different. But the realist inside me doesn't see this plan succeeding. Not because Patrick is not the right coach, because the Canadiens are not the right team. This organization, steeped in tradition is far too boring to make a loose cannon like Roy the coach. He'd call out players, tell off reporters, basically, all the things we all want to see but that give Geoff Molson hives.

All this to say that there is no slam dunk candidate out there.. who speaks French that is. I'm sure that by season's end, 3 or 4 more qualified anglos will be available. The problem is that it is doubtful that the Canadiens will withstand the pressure of 7 moronic french reporters who pretend to speak for the masses. There is one language we all speak here in Quebec. The language of Charlie Sheen. Winning. Nobody gives a shit about anything else. If we can embrace a trap coaching snoozer like Martin (when he took us to the conference finals), then we can get behind Cunneyworth or any other poor bastard dumb enough to take this job.

The worst part is that I never understood the whole French coach thing. If people read the paper or the internet, then they can read a translated quote and get the same info out of it. So is this whole arguement based on the 6 minutes of pointless question answering after each game or practice? Have you ever taken the time to listen to the answers we get at these press conferences? "blessure au haut du corps". "C'est important d'etre patient". "Les Flammes sont redoutables". Are you kidding me? The coach never says anything important to the media anyways.

You wanna French up this team? Stop letting guys like Claude Giroux, Patrice Bergeron, Martin St.Louis and Simon Gagné slip right through our fingers. The people identify with the players, not the 55 year old guy yelling at them. The pressure is always greater on the French guys when they play here, but they are also the only ones who know what it means to win here. A little pressure is a small price to pay to die a legend.

We've been doing it à la bonne franquette for 30 years with very little to show for it. What's the worse that can happen? We've tried and failed miserably with the best available French coaches, let's try something new. If Guy Carbonneau, a beloved ex player, had a 2 year shelf life in this town even after he guided the team to the #1 seed in the eastern conference, then we might as well hire the best guy available, regardless of language.

Now here's the issue. This is clearly a touchy subject. You would think that if the organization was gonna take a chance on an anglo coach, they would do it with someone with a little more street cred than Mr. Cunneyworth. Nothing against the guy but this is Montreal, the Toronto of Quebec. We needed a Mike Babcockish name to make the medicine to go down.

So sit back and enjoy the next 50 games. Should be a hell of a ride.

Merci.

The Morning Bell for Monday December 19th 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Patrick Roy

# 33 hijacked the Habs search for a coach by saying that he's interested. This basically means that the Canadiens will have to "explain" themselves if they choose to go in another direction. In his defense, he was simply answering questions and not standing on a soap box lobbying for the gig. Personnaly, I'm not sure if Patrick is the right choice, but I would love nothing more than to see him standing on the bench ordering Carey Price to go beat the shit out of the opposing goalie.

Habs dropped the first game in the Cuntyworth era on Saturday night. When you put three pucks behind Brodeur in Montreal and don't come away with a W, then it just wasn't meant to be. Our annual 6 game winless holiday road trip starts Monday in Boston. Kaberle will face the guys that don't believe he deserves to have his name on that cup.

In the NFL, survivor poolers must be kicking themselves for picking the heavily favorite Packers. They blew their chance at history by losing to.... Kyle Orton and the Chiefs??? In equally surprising news, the Colts actually beat another NFL team.

Join us Live Every Sunday Morning on Montreal Hockey Talk

Week in review with Ted Bird and Joey Elias.

10:30am today.

Here.

If you miss it you can stream it later.

Au Revoir Jackie

Well that was unexpected. Pierre Gauthier pulled the trigger on a surprising move this morning, firing his bff Jacques Martin. Actually, surprising may not be the right word. We all knew Martin's job security was a little shaky, but the timing of the move was a little suspect. Did he wake up this morning and decide to axe his buddy? Yesterday was an off day and seemed like a more sensible option. In any case, he's out. His career murdered by his long time friend. Unfortunately, it wasn't a murder-suicide. We're still saddled by Mr. Gauthier. Here is my version of how this went down.

Gauthier: Mr. Martin, we need to talk.

Martin: Ok. Mr. Gauthier. Let me get my trusty note pad.

Gauthier: You won't need it, this will be quick.

Martin: I can't speak to anyone without it. I already forgot what you said 6 seconds ago.

Gauthier: Fine, hurry up and go get it.

Martin: I'll be back in 2 minutes. You want a latte?

Gauthier: Hurry up you troll. I have a press conference in an hour.

Martin: I love those! You make a trade? Who did you get for me? Some grit for the 3rd and 4th line? A true #1 center? What? What?

Gauthier: No trade. Just get your fucking note pad.

Martin: Can you at least give me a hint? This is so exciting! I really think we're close to turning this thing around. Gomez is the key. He's about to bust out of this slump, I can feel it. And Darche has really shown he deserves top six ice time.

Gauthier: If you don't go get your fucking note pad in the next 3 seconds, you're fired.

Martin: Relax Pierre! I just really love surprises. It reminds me of this time when my mom told me I was getting a super cool....

Gauthier: Shut the fuck up. You're fired. Get your shit out of the building by 2pm. I hate you.

In another surprising move, the team named Randy "je ne parle pas fronsay" Cunneyworth as interim head coach. I like this move and I'll tell you why. Right now, there are no available candidates that really seem exciting. So instead of giving out a contract to the best person in a weak talent pool, we wait for someone else to get canned by the end of the season. In my ideal scenario, Cunneyworth turns this thing around and wins over the players. This way, Pierre Gauthier will have to explain to the french media why he's replacing the guy who finally got things going.

Cunneyworth's first test will be tonight versus the Devils. Martin Brodeur has won 976 straight starts in Montreal. The good news is that if Cunneyworth sucks, we have another Randy waiting in the wings.

REPORT: JACQUES MARTIN FIRED

More news to come.

Game Review: Habs lose to Flyers

There is both good and bad that can be taken from last night's tough loss to the Flyers. As a pessimist when it comes to this Jacques Martin coached team, let's start with the bad.

First, if you're gonna lose, you want the best players on the other team to beat you. Not Harry Zolnierczik. Who the fuck is that guy and why can he score on Carey Price.

Next is why the hell Mathier Darche played almost 17 minutes. That's unheard of. The Flyers score almost 4 goals a game on average. You're not gonna stop them. We needed a goal all night. At every moment of that game, we needed a goal and Jackie sends out our 4th liner and his minimum wage salary to get it for us. Louis Leblanc ties the game up at 2 in the 2nd and doesn't see the ice in the 3rd?? What kind of coaching is this? A retarded monkey would know to give the kid a regular shift after that. Nice goal kid! Now sit down, shut the fuck up and tell your mom to stop cheering.

9 power plays. 9. 1 goal. 1. Somewhere in there was a 12 minute 5 on 3 that yielded less than my RRSP.

Cammalleri has gotten a free pass the last 2 years because no matter how shitty he is, Gomez is worse and makes even more money. But the clock is running out and the guy who scored 13 in the playoffs alone 2 years ago is a handful of games away from wearing out his welcome.

And now the good news: We didn't get blown out by one of the best teams in the East. Leblanc scored. Cole is a monster. Kaberle is on pace for 100 assists. Desharnais continues to be the best bargain in the league. We get to see the Habs on HBO.

As usual, the negative section is 5 times longer than the positive. Somebody kill me.
How much catch up hockey can a team play without it affecting its psyche. Every time you tie and the other team pushes on with another go-ahead goal it becomes more and more demoralizing.

You have to admire a Philly team playing with as much gusto as the Flyers did last night without their two best players. They didn't miss a beat. But being informed of the loss of their captain for the rest of the season plus playoffs is an enormous hit to take.

It essentially means the 37-year old Pronger may be done for good and that he's played his last game. The entire season now spins on winning it without your leader. New voices will begin to emerge in that locker room.

Voices - you get that coach? You need a voice to get anywhere. Miming your intentions won't work.

The best thing you can hope for is for HBO to have gotten Brière to open up about why he chose Philly over Montreal, then show footage of him crying Barbara Walters style.

The morning bell for Friday December 16th 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Louis Leblanc

We saw the kid score the biggest goal of his life. 21273 give him a standing O. But his real reward was 49 seconds of icetime in the 3rd. Coach scrooge wasn't that impressed I guess. Habs lost 4-3, more on that in the game review.

With Tampa and Washington winning, the eastern conference standings are tighter than security at a Wu-Tang clan concert. Seven points separate 6th and 13th spot.

In the Thursday night football, the Falcons ran over the Jaguars, prompting me to wonder why the hell Jacksonville has a professional sports team of any kind.

3 baby habs crack the World Junior team. Bournival, Gallagher and Beaulieu will all have their chance to make us think the Habs' future is brighter than today.

Don't Expect Brière and Plekanec to Clear the Benches - Habs/Flyers Preview

What the Habs-Flyers Rivalry Once Was

The Habs are up against a tough team today. Philly has been so relaxed and ready for this game, forward Daniel Brière even had time to make it on l'Antichambre last night for the full show. I also heard that James Van Remsdyk co-anchored le Téléjournal with Bernard Derome.

Gone are Claude Giroux and Chris Pronger so the Flyers may have their hands full  a somewhat easy time handing the Habs their asses.

You've read on this legendary blog that with a power play running at a decent 20% the Habs would be in the playoffs. They wouldn't be world beaters, not by any stretch, but they'd crack the top 8 and make life interesting in Montreal for about 9 days in the spring.

If the PP wakes up thanks to Kaberle, then it's the 5 on 5 offence that we turn to. Cammalleri, Gionta, Gomez, Plekanec all being choked offensively. Cammy now looks like he's just removed emotionally. It would not be shocking to see him moved before the deadline if the Habs chances to make the playoffs have faded by then.

Montreal-Philly is always a good show because it showcases everything that's good about the NHL: hard hitting, skilled skating, the colour orange and weak mustaches.

Habs are going for 3 straight wins. Philly aiming for its 7th in a row.

Don't think for a second that this isn't a winnable game despite the Flyers hot streak of late. You take any team's top threats on offence and defence and you're left with a vulnerable squad. The Habs have to be opportunistic. If you look at a calendar and figure that you can't drop that game in November against the Blue Jackets, well it's got to be the same instinct when you're playing the Flyers who suddenly arrive to Montreal without Pronger and Giroux. The BJ game you can predict once the schedule come out, but this is an unexpected gift and it's important that the team capitalize.

We can expect to see Emelin back in uniform tonight as Diaz rests on his Neo Citran IV. Why it takes another player's cold to give this guy his regular spot on the team is beyond comprehension - but this is a Jacques Martin coached team so it's actually very much within the confines of comprehension.

The Morning Bell for Thursday December 15th 2011

Today's honorary ringer: HBO

Last night, the first installment of 24/7 aired. HBO proved once again why it's the only channel worth watching.

Another quiet night in the NHL. Boston won again and Chicago beat the best team in the NHL. Wait, what? The Wild is the best team in the league??? Bizaro world.

Habs take on the cream cheese tonight. We went from not knowing who to throw in there on defense to not knowing who to scratch. With a team like Philly, I can only hope Emelin is back in there.

I would give up my first born to see the Habs on this show

Game review: Habs win. Barely. Against the Island Girls.

Let's review the game up until the 3-1 mark. The Habs played well. The crowd was very tense after the 1st Isles goal and instead of imploding, they came back and took what was supposed to be a commanding lead. Let's not focus on the fact that both AK and Darche's goals would've been stopped by Peewee BB goalies.

We were up 3-1 vs a sub-par team. Then we all collectively shat our pants. 3-2: oh boy, let's hope we can stay the course and finish them off. 3-3: Give me the shotgun. It's over.

And then, a finnish jesus, let's call him Petteri, comes off the bench and instantly grants us salvation. On yet another goal that a paraplegic seal would've gloved. And then, the second coming. Hal Gill seems to ice the puck (which would've surely translated into an Islander last second goal) but divine intervention guided the puck into the empty net. Move over Maradonna, the hand of god lives in the Bell Center now. Hopefully that same hand will bitchslap Gomez.

Next up: The Giroux-less Flyers who pounded the Caps 5-1. Habs logic went out the window last night so no predictions for Thursday.

The Morning Bell for Wednesday December 14, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Julie Veilleux - a perfect reaction to Pat Hickey's comments about Theoren Fleury.

The Habs squandered another lead in the third period of a hockey game last night but this time managed to rally and take the 2 points thanks to goals by Nokelainen and Gill whose empty netter was earmarked for an icing call. Sigh of relief? Not really because unless you're a rookie, Jacques Martin won't call you out. A certain Emelin will vouch for that.

Both Philly and Boston just can't seem to lose a game anymore.

Most of yesterday's local news focused on the Hickey column. We'll bring you our thoughts on this shortly. Fleury has declined a spot on OTR to discuss this with Hickey and host Michael Landsberg. While it would have made for good tv I tend to agree with Fleury's decision.

In the NBA, it looks like the clippers are trying everything imaginable to land Chris Paul. The deal is being tied up because the Habs insist that Gomez be part of the trade.

Game preview: Habs vs Island Girls

So the Habs face Elton John's favorite team tonight. The Island girls have already beaten us this year and have 3 road wins this season. They are the BJs of the eastern conference. Coincidentaly, the BJ's are Elton's second favorite team.

Campoli is finaly back in the lineup. This is good news but in grand Habs fashion, they will be replacing a kid we all love to watch in Emelin. I'm complaining but I'm not quite sure what choice they had. Diaz has been pretty solid so unfortunately, Emelin is the odd man out. The good news for him is that we are due for a career ending injury so he might get back in there sooner rather than later. Kaberle and his pink cheeks make their home debut. Let's hope he remembers how to play in front of more than 50 people.

Gionta is still out so watch for Weber to play up front. Al Montoya will be between the pipes for NY and Price will be looked upon to save us as usual.

By the way, has anyone noticed our record on home ice? It's shameful. 4-5-6. basically, we win one out of every 4 home games. One quarter. 25%. .250 win percentage. It is full of shame.

So why is this Elton John's favorite team? He wrote a song about them. Listen closely. Sounds like Islanders.

OUR VERY CEREBRAL HABS-ISLES GAME PREVIEW

Game's in Montreal. Game's at 7:30pm. It's the Habs vs. the Islanders.

We'll be watching a show on the circumcision of gerbils instead.

Looks like HF4 and I both have our own brain issues.

Apparently, there are two mornings on Tuesday December 13th 2011.

The Morning Bell for Tuesday December 13, 2011

Today's unwelcome ringer: The Concussion - ringing our brains and sidelining the best in the business. Sid is out again and Lord knows how long he'll sit this time.

Another quiet night in the NHL with one little game on tap as the Devils found their scoring ways and beat the Lightning 5-4. Tampa is 4 points away from the conference, 6 from the league's basement. Look no further than 101 goals against. As PK'ists, we object to that number.

Some games were played in the NFL which eaves me vastly indifferent although I'm sure DC will salivate all over the news. Football and I are like corn oil and vegetable oil....that's not the saying is it....

The rejuvenated mentally unstable Habs are up against the Islanders tonight for what we expect to be another snooze fest in the garden of Valium. Think Habs-Columbus 2.0.

The morning Bell for Tuesday December 13th 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: All those who have had their bell rung.

Sid the Kid seems to have not gotten over his concussion. Although the Pens say his absence is just a precaution, I think they are well aware that his career is compromised. You don't take 10 months off just to play 10 games and take another break. I think it's time to admit that we don't know shit about the human brain and that the more you knock it around, the more probable you are of ending up a vegetable. Who would've thought that when Mario Tremblay came out months ago to say that Crosby's career was in danger, he'd be right.

Light schedule last night with just two pro sports games on the sched. The Seahawks beat the Rams and the Devils held on to beat the Lightning 5-444444444444444444444444 sorry, I fell asleep.

Habs play the Islanders. We all know what that means.

Kabbalist Trade Allows Habs to... ahem...Part With Horrid Power Play

After a few days of mulling this over, we will agree with our good friend Ted Bird who asks that we reserve judgement. So far, after one game, the PP looked calmer and the coach used PK on the first wave - a move that boggles the mind because it actually makes sense.

Kabbalah for Spacek straight up goes Montreal's way, no doubt.

Both guys have acutely rosy cheeks although Spacek's are far more pudgier and inviting. My vote goes to Spacho Spacho Man.

Spacho Nacho was often injured - Kabbalah was often not in the mood. That's a toss.

Kabbalah can pivot a power play and had 25 points with the extra attacker last year in his "off year". My nod goes to the Kabbalist.

The fact that everybody in the league probably points to Rutherford as a genius again makes Gauthier looks bad, real bad. A one-sided deal doesn't take a genius; it takes a an inept counterpart.

All things considered, if the Habs were to bring the 11% PP up to say 18%, the team would probably make the playoffs. Is the damage done though? Too little too late? Not unless the Habs feel like playing .650 hockey until April. But Kabbalah is associated to weird occurrences. The Markov excuse is over from now on. Why? Because Markov is back from injury and his name is Kaberle. Markov on one leg can't be that far off from a Kaberle with diminished skills.

This week will tell if the Habs PP can build on whatever began in New Jersey. It's good for the team's confidence as they then look to a long road trip. 20% on the PP this week will do just fine. Like it or not, it's on Kabbalah's shoulders.

If Kabbalah doesn't answer the call, one thing's for sure: Madonna's gonna be pissed.

Morning Bell for Monday December 12, 2011

Today's honorary ringer: Europe - it seems you may finally be getting your shit together, Europe.

Very quiet couple of days in the NHL. In harmony with this quietness, coaches are whispering instructions to their players on the bench. Psst. Stamkos, you're up.

Tim Tebow is still channelling other worlds, praise Jesus.

Anisomov scored yesterday in the Rangers 6-1 victory over les Panthères. He did not shoot anyone with his invisible bullets.

Good week for Habs logic as we see the Islanders and Flyers on Tuesday and Thursday. Start Kabbalah chants now.

Game review Habs vs Lucifers

DC reporting live from NYC. I came to do some holiday shopping with Mrs. Cherries (or so she thought) and I pulled a switcheroo on her this morning when I announced my plan to hop on a train to New Jersey to catch the game. As much as I find this team nauseating at times, it's impossible for me to not attend a road game when I happen to be close by.

Let me start off by saying that we are spoiled rotten at the Bell Center. This is the second time I come to watch the Habs in New Jersey. They have a brand spankin' new arena with nobody in it. 13,000 people in there tops, 3000 of which made the trip from la Belle Province. If that wasn't enough, you can hear a pin drop throughout the game. The Devil worshipers finally woke up after they scored. Jersey fans are numb to the suffocating hockey style that Jacques Lemaire perfected. They may have 3 cups since 1995, but they have no idea what uptempo hockey is. They're practically on autopilot, going through the motions, hoping that the scoreboard reminds them when to cheer. Speaking of the scoreboard, its screen is as big as an iPad.

Kaberle played well although he didn't look so good on the Devil's goal. Most importantly, he kickstarted the powerplay, helping set up both goals. The way things are going, he can play in a Leafs jersey if he continues to keep the powerplay going. I'd call it a great trade but Spacek also got 2 points in his 'Canes debut, so i'll hold off for now.

Price made a clutch save on a Parise penalty shot and held the fort the rest of the time. All in all, good road win. Next up, Islanders at home. Smells like a 7-0 loss.

Kabbalah Assists in Soothing Trade Critiquing Nucleus

Kabbalah is Alright

The power play moved the puck well. 6:23 of pp time for Kabbalah paid dividends. Superstitious Jews everywhere are elated.

Gauthier is a genius. Martin is God's nephew.

More later.

What $17M will buy you these days. (in case you're not satisfied with the Gomez / Markov / Kaberle trifecta

Let's start off by all agreeing that this trade is moronic. I say this knowing that there is always a slight chance Kaberle wakes up from his Pierre Gauthier like nap and regains his form. Usually, it's a team like Pittsburgh who takes a chance on a guy like that. But we're talking about the Habs here. The team that blows 3-0 leads like it's going out of style. So we're basically gonna poopoo on this deal until we are proven wrong. And if we are proven wrong, we will say that we always knew Kaberle had it in him.

But let's focus on what's at hand. $17M is a shit load of money on an NHL salary cap. Most teams put that money to good use. But what exactly does $17M buy you these days? Depends if you have an asshole running your team. Below are some options.

Crosby, Malkin & Dupuis

Chara, Lucic & Krejci

Zetterberg, Datsyuk & Franzen

Ovechkin & Backstrom

Richards, Gaborik & Dubinski

2.61 million Big Mac trios

So there you have it. I defy you to find me 3 players on 1 team that have accomplished less than our 3 stooges (Gomez, Markov, Kaberle) and have a $17M cap hit.

Thank you Geoff Molson for telling the world that you have confidence in the GM who put this roster together.

Rokycany for Rakovnik - Straight Up

The Habs and Canes swapped Czech defensemen today as Jaroslav Spacek was sent packing to Carolina for the used-to-be-Brian-Burke's-favorite-question- Tomas Kaberle.

The Habs are sitting next to last in the NHL on the power play at a horrid 11%. Andrei Markov is out till humans find a way to populate that Earth 2.0 planet everybody's been raving about all week. The oft-injured Spacek, a free agent at the end of the year, was not going to be re-signed.  And the general consensus is that a shakeup was needed.

So of course, the best thing Gauthier can think of is bring the most under-performing albatross in the NHL not named Scott Gomez for another 2 years.

Look, it's simple. If the Habs got the defenseman the Leafs were reluctant to trade for years, then it's a great move and even a bargain. However, everything points to Kaberle having lost his way. Why he would suddenly retrieve his talent in Montreal where everyone else is also struggling with the same issue under a system that has asphyxiated the offense and flair out of the team is beyond us.

The Habs now shelter 2 players making a combined 12 million dollars for the next 2 years whose careers have been utterly derailed. And the worst thing is that the Habs brass in both cases has taken on these contracts AFTER the derailment.

What this also means is assuming Markov will play this year, PK Subban's role on the power play is now significantly impacted. You're not leaving 4.25 million on the bench during the first wave. Is this slowing PK's development on the team?

Montreal, forget the Boom thing. Show some real protest. At 7pm tonight, everybody get out of your cars, stop everything you're doing, put the forks and spoons back on the table...and scratch your heads.

The Morning Bell for Friday the 13, no? Not the 13th? Oh it just feels that way?

Ring my bell: any human being with a pulse willing to coach or manage the Montreal Canadiens.

3-0 lead? No problem. Is there a team in the NHL that has lost more games after scoring the first goal?

It seems the Sens also enjoyed squandering a three-goal lead. They lost to the Devils. The Habs play these Devils in New Jersey on Saturday afternoon.

Albert Pujols is a bazillionnaire. The city of St-Louis says goodbye. Jaro so sad he hev litel teers in his Jaro eyes.

Habs are the boat: iceberg! Straight ahead!!!

Boom - A Movement For the Ages

Boom - A very intellectual essay

Are you fucking kidding me?

The Morning Bell for Thursday December 8, 2011

Ringing today's bell: Nick Foligno

He should have jumped up the way his dad used to.

We confess to having written this earlier but blogger killed it somewhere in the interneverneverland.

Screw it. I'm not re-writing it. So here are the Erik Cole's notes.

I'm bored out of my mind watching the Habs. I would rather watch whales mate in the ocean.

Game review: Habs swallow bitter pill after BJ game

The worst team in the league. The worst, Jerry, the worst. This team had 2 road wins. This team is 1980's Nordiques bad. The worst team in the league got on a plane, came into our building and made us look like AHL wannabes. We shot 20 times in 65 minutes of hockey. Our second goal was a lucky break that was grossly undeserved. One of our 18 skaters looked like he gave a shit. Who was it? A veteran? A gritty role player (do we even have one of those)? Nope. It was a rookie defenseman with less than 20 NHL games under his belt. When Alexei Emelin is the best player on the ice in a game vs the Blue Jacket, we're in deep shit. The kid was an animal. Despite a few brain farts, he was chasing down BJs like it was going out of style. He doesn't just hit them, he puts all his weight behind it. Like he wants to but them through the glass. Imagine that, a hockey player in a Habs uniform that actually wants to hit. In a few years, he might just be the toughest defenseman to play against. That pretty much sums up the good points. Now for the feces.

Every team has bad games, games that should be forgotten 5 minutes after they're over. You just can't have those games twice a week. I was actually in attendance last night. Usually, the warm $10 beer is the biggest rip off of the evening. Yesterday, it seemed like the deal of the century considering what we payed to see that sad spectacle. The Bell Center is now the NHL's easiest building to play in. What? You think just because it's noisy that other clubs are afraid? Teams that usually play in front of 63 friends and family get all jacked up to play here. They feed off the crowd's energy, something our players clearly take for granted, and make the Habs look bad just long enough for the crowd to start getting impatient.

I'll be the first to admit the Montreal faithful can be a little short fused. But last night, we watched our team let the BJs take an early 1-0 lead, chanted Go Habs Go right after when what they deserved was for all of us to leave, and what we got in return was an undeserved point. We all know that the Habs have a way of showing up against the best teams. Is it too much to ask that they at least show up when facing the worst fucking team in the NHL?????

Alright, that's enough. My blood pressure is through the roof and it's not even lunch time yet.

The Morning Bell for the day after we lose to the worst team in the NHL

Today's honorary ringer: Rick Nash

The most under appreciated star in the NHL playing in a coconut since he broke into the league. Every time he's played on a grand stage he's shown how talented he really is. Last night in the shootout, Nash made it look easy against Carey Price.

So yes the Habs only managed the single point at home against the BJ. Kick me in the head with a high heel shoe.

The Flames won a crazy one. The Jets beat the Bruins. The Leafs lost. Our next opponent served notice on the Habs by beating the Avs 6-0. Gulp. The Wild pla...We lost to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Sit on that for a second.

It's ok because Geoff says he has full confidence. Nothing's wrong.

The Habs had 4 shots in the second period. One of them was a flu shot Hall Gill received on the bench.

Really, what more is there to say? More today on the game and on the BJ.

Who's in the mood for a BJ?

The Montreal Canadiens renew hostilities with Western Conference foes this week as they host the Columbus Blue Jackets on Tuesday night. I always thought the Blue Jackets was a funny name. I know it has a historical significance relating to Ohio's participation in the American civil war, but in Montreal, the strip club capital of the world, a BJ has nothing to do with civil war. Anyways, time to get my mind out of the gutter and preview Tuesday's contest.

Is it me or have the BJs always sucked? It seems like ever since they came into the league, the BJs have sucked. When we're lucky, they even suck balls. You would think that after all that sucking, they would eventually get hard (to beat), but no. They continue to suck.

Habs get their first BJ meeting of the season on Tuesday. They've wanted one for a while but the schedule made it so that they don't get the BJ until early December. Only a few teams get the BJ several times a year. Detroit, Nashville, Chicago and St-Louis get 6 BJ meetings a year. Lucky them! No wonder Jaro is happy.

Although the BJ has had a rough start to the season (1 win in their first 10 games), they always seem to give the Habs issues. Habs logic states that the Canadiens always play down to their competition, so needless to say, I'm worried. The BJ always seem to come around in Montreal. A few years ago, Bob Gainey's jersey retirement ceremony was ruined by the BJ. Poor Bob took the time to lace up the skates and take a victory lap around the ice just to have the BJ rain on his parade by shutting us out 3-0.

On Tuesday, I'll be attending my first BJ game in 3 years. I'm psyched. I've been watching old BJ games on the internet all weekend. Did you guys know that you can find all kinds of BJ games online for free?? It's amazing.

For a team with very little success, the BJ always find a way to be entertaining. I have season tickets and I never have a problem selling a BJ game. This one time, I was walking down the street at night and a guy asked me for a BJ game. I sold it to him for a healthy profit. He turned out to be a cop. Who figures a cop wants a BJ game on a Wednesday night! He was gonna arrest me but after I gave him the BJ game for free, he was so excited that he let me go.

This year, our old friend James Wisniewski will be returning as a BJ. We all remember that he was suspended for the first 8 games of this season but has 12 points in 18 games since his return but only 1 goal. That is one expensive BJ even if he has a money shot.

So tonight, put your feet up, relax, and enjoy the BJ. It's the only one you'll get all year.

You know what might help the BJ finally get over the hump? A meeting with Colonel Angus.

Interesting fact about the BJs: For some reason, they are Bill Clinton's favorite team.

Please let this be the kiss of death

So it was Geoff Molson's turn to let us know that everything in Habland is Honky Dory. The big cheese said that he has complete confidence in Jacques Martin, Pierre Gauthier and even Scott Gomez and that once Markov comes back, he expects the team to climb the standings and earn a playoff spot.

I like Geoff Molson. I really do. But I will have to respectfully disagree. This management team will never get us anywhere. Why? Because when you have this kind of team, a team that is not nearly as talented and the Bruins, Pens, Caps and Flyers, you need a head coach and GM that inspire. The only thing Jackie and Pierre inspire me to do is hang myself by my testicles. There is truly nothing I would like more than to be dead wrong about this, but I'm not ready to hang my dreams on Markov's papier maché knee and and Jackie's locker room speeches. I understand that given the circumstances, it's difficult to have expected more out of this group, but it's time to realize that we don't have to wait for the entire bag of shit to hit the fan before we make a change.

The Habs do everything with class. They honor their alumni like no other franchise in sports, they kick off the season with awesome montages (the turd of this October not withstanding) and they never call out anybody mid-season. But for Molson to publicly support Gomez borders on incompetence. Nobody says you have to bury him, but don't go out of your way to say what a great competitor he is and how he ain't going to Hamilton. Way to motivate him, Geoff. If he knows he's staying put and cashing his checks, what possible reason will he have to get out of this funk? Pride? Pride should've kicked in 65 shitty games ago.

Sometimes, you gotta get your hands dirty. You traded a top 2 defenseman (who is on pace for 13 goals by the way) for Gomez and his ridiculous contract. Stop being so worried about your reputation and fix it. You never know, people might respect you even more.

The morning Bell for Tuesday December 6th 2011

Today's not so honorary ringer: Pierre "I'm a fucking liar" Gauthier

Hey jerkoff. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you Mr. Gauthier. Didn't you just finish telling us Mr. Markov would be out 3 weeks or so? So why are they now saying 4-6 weeks? And considering the patient, let's just assume it's 6 weeks. Did you get confused with the 3 and the 6 again? Were you too busy doing dick all about all the problems we're having? You either are a complete idiot who doesn't know how to listen to doctors or this is the conversation that took place:

Mr. Gauthier: Doc, how long will Mr. Markov be out after his 34th surgery?

Dr. Asshole: I don't know, I'm a proctologist.

Mr. Gauthier: Ballpark it for me.

Dr. Asshole: I don't know, a month maybe?

Mr. Gauthier: Well I'm gonna tell the press it's 3 weeks.

Dr. Asshole: He has more chances of developing another rectum in 3 weeks than he does playing NHL hockey.

Mr. Gauthier: Can I go back to bed now?

Dr. Asshole: Yes, right after I milk your prostate.

Mr. Gauthier: Fantastic. Use 3 fingers this time. And no glove.

L'éloquence de la simplicité

En une belle matinée ensoleillée, l'incroyablement éloquent commentateur de RDS passe chez Tim Hortons se chercher un café avant d'entrer au studio.   

Julie: Bienvenue chez Tim Hortons, mon nom est Julie, j'peux prendre vot` commande?

Marc: Bon matin chère adolescente au front luisant parsemé de pustules écarlates. Seriez-vous en mesure de me procurer une de vos légendaires consommations liquides stimulantes?

Julie: Euhhh, scusez pardon?

Marc: Suite à cette glorieuse aube soldée d'une délicieuse rosée matinale, j’aimerais bien pouvoir me doter de cet exquis liquide sombre, opaque et reluisant que maintes personnes au Canada et ailleurs considèrent la marque de confiance de leur début de journée.

Julie: Sori, I no spikkin the henglish Mister.

Marc: Ha ha ha ha! Julie, votre sens de l’humour dominant crée des soubresauts d’hilarité da ma panse ébahie! 

Julie: You wanting a hot tea? 

Marc: Votre présomption a raté la marque de justesse jeune demoiselle; je serais tout-de-même ravi que vous me versiez l’homologue ébène de l’infusion pourpre que vous venez tout juste de mentionner.  

Julie: (visiblement exaspérée parle dans son micro) Un gérant demandée à l'avant s'il vous plait!

 

Au même moment, Benoit Brunet, témoin de l'incident, devance son collègue au comptoir.

Benoit: Hey Hey! C'est mon pals Mark Dennis. Comment ça r`garde à matin MD?  Hey Julie! Mon amour! 

Julie: Pour toi c`matin mon Ben chéri d'amour?

Benoit: Ok Jules on`y va: trois doubes doubes pour le crew, un régulier pour Chantalou, deux bagels s`a switch pour Tremblay pis un Tim matin pour Big Ben hold the bacon ch`tau régime ok? 

Julie:  Voilà c'est prêt M'sieur Brunet. Douze et cinquante s'ou plait.

Marc: (fasciné) Morbleu!!! Comment se fait-il que cela fait déjà une demi période désastreuse que je négocie coeur et âme avec cette ingrate employée afin qu'elle me verse un... 

Benoit: (interrompant) Ton nom c`est Marc Denis hein, pas P'tit Robert... T'es vraiment bon Marco Polo. J`t' aime bein tsé même si t'as volé ma job Dennis the Snob. Des fois, dans`vie, c`est back to basics mon homme: tu gardes ton jeu simpe, ta tête haute pis ta langue...dans ta poche.

FIN

The morning Bell for Monday December 5th, 2011

Today's honorary bell ringer: Tiger Woods

Two years after his entire life went down the shitter, Tiger Woods is a winner again. I can just hear the execs at the PGA screaming in ecstasy. Ratings basically triple when he plays on Sunday, so you can imagine what that means for their bottom line. Down one stroke with 2 holes to play (on the course, not in his bedroom), Woods birdied 17 and 18 to win by one. Love him or hate him, he's the only thing that makes golf on TV watchable.

I was always fascinated by that story. It proved that no matter who you are, if you fuck around on your wife, you're finished. He's Tiger Woods. After Oprah and Obama, he was the most recognizable human on the planet. He made $100M a year for 10 years straight. Nobody, not even Michael Jordan his his kind of global reach and appeal. And he pissed it all away to bang porn stars and hookers. Totally worth it.

In NHL news, only western conference teams were playing yesterday. So basically, we don't care.

Game Review Habs Vs Kings

You know that feeling when you finally dislodge that piece of food stuck between your teeth? That's the kind of relief I felt after the win on Saturday afternoon. The Habs were in dangerous territory. We already have 2 or 3 more games played than everybody else and a win was essential for us to keep pace. So in that sense, the game was a success. I would've liked to see a more convincing win, but who are we kidding. With the amount of injuries we've had to deal with, the fact that we are within reach of a playoff spot and only 6 points out of 4th place is a miracle. The PP finally got something done and Price did his job and kept us in it. I'm looking forward to the BJ this Tuesday.

So just when we were hoping things were turning around on the injury front, we get the news. Pierre Gauthier woke up from his nap on the beach to inform us that Mr. Markov was, get ready for it, going in for knee surgery. Are you fucking serious?? For the love of god. To be honest, I sort of blacked out after that so I missed the rest of his press conference. When I woke up, I was naked and spooning a replica Stanley Cup. That's the 3rd time this week! After listening to it again, I realized why I hate this GM so much. When he finally crawls out of his hole to give us an update, this is what we get. He said Mr. Markov 12 times in 3 minutes, that this is somehow good news because the reconstructed knee is strong, and that Mr. Markov is working really hard to get back. What a douche.

So there you have it. Another month without Mr. Markov. Remember back in the day when you were in school and there was always this one kid who was never there because he was sick? One day it's the chicken pox, next week it's a broken arm, then the measles. At the end of the year, this kid showed up 9 times and somehow got better grades than you. That's what Markov and his $5.75M salary is starting to feel like.

You better be well rested and ready to play when you get back Mr. Markov.

Waldo? Charlie?? Andrei???

Les Rois Apportent des Modifications Substantielles

Nouvelles de la monarchie

La plus grande nouvelle ayant marqué l'histoire contemporaine des Kings se veut un revirement si foncièrement drastique que la fibre culturelle des rois en sera changée à tout jamais.

Jamais n'aurions-nous cru qu'une décision si importante se prenne avec l'indifférence attribuable à des chefs d'états. Au sommet de grandes corporations, des virages aussi stupéfiants méritent l'attention du peuple.

Pourtant la formule laissée loin derrière nous, dans la poussière, ne semblait pas avoir commandé une attention particulière. Les consommateurs avaient épousé sans tumulte ce que les rois offraient.  Mais les décideurs ont vu autrement et dans cette vision ils saisirent l'occasion de changer les choses dans leur plus profonde expression.

Les frites.

Les Kings de Burger ont changé la recette de leurs frites. Plus croustillantes, moins grasses, à meilleur goût, la nouvelle recette a su créer des ondes choc à travers le continent.

Nouvelles de hockey

Le Canadien est à la porte du dernier droit de son voyage dans l'ouest mais il faudrait se résigner sur le fait que le réel mouvement s'est fait vers le sud. Le sud du classement. La majorité des prédictions voulaient que Montréal revienne de ce voyage avec 3 points en banque. L'objectif est encore atteignable mais à ce stade il faudrait quelque chose de plus. Une victoire peu convaincante cet après-midi n'effacera en rien les doutes, fertiles dans l'esprit des gens sur la grande inconstance qui caractérise ce club.

Dans la logique de Jacques Martin cependant, nous verrons sans doute une première période en lion, une deuxième à dormir debout et une troisième à vouloir se tremper les couilles dans de l'acide. Jacques, nous te supplions de faire preuve d'empathie envers les testicules des Montréalais partout à travers le monde et d'ainsi trouver une formule qui verra cette équipe performer avec constance sur une échelle de 60 minutes.

On trouvera chez LA, une équipe similaire aux adversaires de jeudi à St-José. Capables d'une attaque soutenue, d'une robustesse efficace et dotés d'un gardien de but au sommet de son art, les Kings de 2011-2012 ont le droit d'ambitionner. Grands récipiendaires de l'échange Mike Richards, les Kings ont ravivé la flamme offensive de l'équipe au point où Anze Kopitar pourrait se faire offrir un poste comme guard avec les Lakers.

Le match est à 15h. Voulant dire sue des dizaines de milliers de couples ont commencé ce beau samedi par "pas sérieux, du hockey un samedi après-midi?!" Oui mais le soir est libre. Non, non Canadien express à 18h00.