ALL-STAR BREAK

Because the NHL is taking a break from real hockey, we're protesting and taking a break from real blogging.

We'll see you as soon as the games mean something again, like in October.

Revenge is a dish best serve cold. Very cold. So cold you can't even eat it.

So the Habs finally avenged their Detroit beatdown that lead to Patrick Roy's departure. The Wings thought they had gotten away with it, but little did they know, this top notch organization was planning its revenge. Then, 17 years in the making, like a bolt of lightning, while already all but eliminated from playoff contention in mid January, we pounced.

BOOYA Detroit! You think we're impressed with your 5 cups and constant elite performance? You think we care about your coach with "experience" and "wins"? You think we're impressed that you draft all stars in the 43rd round every year? No way! The Habs owned you last night! You had nothin'. It's almost like you didn't have one of the top 3 defencemen of all time in your lineup. Or like you don't give a shit about meaningless games in the middle of January against loser teams from the other conference. It's like y.... wait a minute. Did you let us win? Was this like a teenager letting his 4 year old brother winning just to make him feel better?? Great.

Quick, Get Me M. Night Shyamalan on the Phone

It is now clear that the message to the Montreal Canadiens organization is clear as Immigration Canada appears to have launched a formal protest over the hiring of anglo coach, Randy Cunneyworth.

This is an image of the rooftop of Immigration Canada offices in Montreal. One cannot deny that the contours of the Quebec borders are as apparent as can be, right there in snow formation for us to behold.

Either Immigration Canada is pissed or Québécois aliens in the inter-galactic québécois diaspora have made it very clear that we are all in grave danger if the Canadiens continue to behave this recklessly.

There is cause for concern. I would go out now, stack up on water and move underground until the next alien intentions are made clear.

The Morning Bell for the Day After the Habs Hand the NHL's Best Their Asses

Today's Honorary Ringer: The Red light at the Bell Centre

I'm not entirely sure a light can ring a bell but you know what, after we saw it go red 7 times for the home team last night, anything may be possible.

What were the Vegas odds on a 4-0 lead after 1?

PK found himself back in the news for the wrong reasons despite the feel-good night. I'm gonna have to have a chat with the boy.

Hilarious that the Wings broke Carey's shutout as Gord Miller was in the middle of saying broadcasters repeating the word shutout had no impact on the outcome of a game or a shutout bid.

Rafa Nadal broke Federer's spirit again this morning with another tough loss for the Swiss legend, this one in 4 sets at the semis of the Australian Open. Federer came out like a lion, then I fell asleep, then I woke up, then Fed had a break point in the fourth to make it 5-5, then he lost. But I fell asleep a bunch more times between all of that because Australia had this brilliant idea to settle 7 billion miles away from us and plant itself in the most impossible time zone ever created. Nice, Australia.

Gomez or Go Home - A Family Tale - Episode 3

Episode #3: ¡Dentro del fuego, hay fuego dentro! 

Escott Gomez, having returned to action but still unable to “crack the piñata”, is feeling the pressure of a dismal season and choking back tears while suiting up to face the Red Wings. The friendly defenceman sporting #61, with whom Escott shares a language and sometimes a jock strap, notices his distraught counterpart and tries to help him get his game face on.      

Rafa Diaz: ¿Why jew cry ay-ay-ay-ay Escott? ¿Is it joor colossal failure in the fighting of the bulls or the fact that jew have lost both joor papito and joor ability to escore? ¡Habla conmigo Escott! As jew expand on joor feelings, jew will successfully establish permanent settlements of these conflicts here on this territory we occupy. 

Escott: Gracias amigo. All these questions dance so mach in my head. I cannot let disco in order to completely  fuck-us out there on the ice. I get Saturday Night Fever every time coach Cunny-Bunny doesn’t Travolta with the team. This endless season never seems to Get Shorty in this Mad City. It's so hard to Be Cool with all the fans sarcastically yelling “You're a real Phenomenon Old Dog!”  ¿Do jew think they can see the fear through my Eyes of an Angel each time I take a Face Off? Do jew think they can see I'm barely Staying Alive?

Rafa Diaz:  If it Alps you to know Escott, I can be completely neutral and honest with jew. If Alaska the guys on this team, for sure they can see jew are only playing at Juan percent intensity. For sure they notice jew are not sharing Juarez on joor mind. For sure they can see jew are sweating too mach, joor face all Palin like someone being Trumped by his primary fears. All these clear signs they can read on joor face Escott, they do not library well.

Escott: ¡Hay Caramba! If they can see the war inside of me, then I must spic the truce to them. I feel like la Virgen de la Macarena Cheez Whiz me tonight. I will spread her positive message so that me and my massive celery don't take a dip down to the minors. I must tell the team that tonight, I will be dressing for the game to lettuce chews victory over the wings. Otherwise, with so mach at steak, I will cracker under the pressure.    

Rafa Diaz: ¡Talk to them now hombre and estop making me so hungry!   

Escott climbs on top of a table in the middle of the room and starts to address the players who have gathered after the warm-up. 

Escott: Dear compañeros, winning as a hockey team is yust like the politics. Jew need a big and estrong caucus that can handle huge loads of important decisions, as well as aim it's pearls of wisdom at a clear target. Since coming beck, it has been impossible for me not to notice the massive erection of so many divisive walls in this room. In an effort towards achieving everlasting piss amongst us, I will now drop the load I've been holding in for way too long, as I esplain myself to jew.      

Erik Cole: Can you explain why soon I’ll have done my taxes twice since you last popped one in? (the whole room bursts out laughing)

Escott: Jess I can Enrike, and after the truth is out there, I hope you will want to believe: right before I come beck, Dr. Fox Mulder warn me that too mach escoring could cause a muy grande fracture to my Scully. Dana he suggest I no escore no more, soda after a full two year recovery, I surprise the Centro Taco Bell by making a Sombrero Trick. Jew know, yust like the Mexican detective Columbo! (dramatic organ chord)  

Rafa Diaz: ¿En serio Escott? ¿Yust like Cristian Jorge Del Valle de la Concha San Miguel Juan Sebastian de Francisco de Columbo?

Escott: ¡Jess my adorable Swiss fondue quesa-Diaz! The Columbo es yust like Escott. He let everyone believe he estupid, but sudden... ¡Boom! He catch the killer as easy as Emelin catch the STD in Tijuana.

Mathieu Darche: Correc Gomaize, but if you do not do the goal for another year, veux-tu bein m’dire quessé qu’tu vas faire s’a glace calisse?

Escott: Didn’t understand a word Mad-jew. But here’s what I will not do: Escore. True. But also, I will not call jew a bunch of losers like Camel-hairy who wooden chair the puck...

Carey Price: ...mighty fine good start my little Mexi-can't! But please don’t be causin no more stampedes in this here room cause we been battening down the hatchets all year long over here!   

Escott: ¡Priceless words my Precio-so! There is no sense having a Broke-back trying to turn beck the Mountain of time that has passed. ¡Cher with me joor concerns! ¡Help me Carey the drim of getting back on the rodeo to more satisfying relations in this room! (Escott winks at Carey)

Carey Price: So how do we rustle this up?

Escott: Muy simple. If there is a problem, we taco-bout it right away. ¿Jew no like my Mexican music full blast? Just say to me “Escott, turn off discrepancy if we can find some cuntry music on KY103!” ¡Yust like Selma Hayek covered in jalapeños, the new Escott will be espicy and flexible! 

PK: Mmm...I love em’ spicy and flexible. Met this fine gymnast once in Belleville...mhm! One fine a...

Escott: ...fine is right Poo-key! ¡We will all be fine and we will win, because from now on, I will lead the Canadienses with a record number of ass-cysts! 

Max Pacioretty: I think it's great that you want to be an asset again. Butt will your ass-cysts help us around the back end as well as up front? (the whole room chuckles)

Escott: Patio-ready raises a good point. Jew can turn all my juicy ass-cysts into many explosions of puss-abilities to escore. This will bring the instant-anus result of infecting the hole team with the massive ball of fire that hides between my rosy cheeks. A fire that burn so deep and estrong, just like that one road trip when we all had the Jari Kurry chicken at the Wayne Gretzky restaurant.

Andrei Kostitsyn: Andrei miss Toronto trip. How hot fire will be Komrad Scottsky?

Escott: ¡Hay Dios mio Andres! ¡A fire so hot it could melt all of Siberia, freeing all of your relatives from the Goulash! ¡A fuego with so match burning, it would even make coaches Pearn and Martinez all fired up! ¡A fire so wild, coach Cunny-bunny would barge inside the room all bilingual and say “Holy smokes baby, someone please pacifier extinguisher to me now! Sortie de la chambre tooth-sweet!  A fire so...

David Desharnais: ...on a compris ostie d’tabarnak!

Escott: ¡Jess! Quite-a-knack, Escott have with the words. So now, we must all Hudler together and summon the great espirits of San Cristobal Huet. As we all pray anguish to make the playoffs, I’m alone every man in this room my especial stick. It was hand carved in Mejico with a rock, dipped in salt and worm lemon juice especially for me Tequila the Red Wings tonight.  (the room goes completely quiet) 

Josh Gorges: So what now Scotty, should we tap your magic stick for good luck or something?

Escott: ¿Que pasa Jorge? Did jew contract some long term disease? Datsyuks that jew would erect this Kronwall right at the Helm of my espeech. On this Eave my Gorges teammate, I will not be the Abdelkader of the crown I have earned as your King of the Ass-Cyst. ¡So touch my blessed wood now so that we may re-Kindl our playoff drims!

Josh Gorges: You're out of your fuc...

Rafa Diaz: ... so how should we touch joor Holly-wood in order to end it all in a climax of victory?

Escott: ¡Muy simple! Each player must grab it hard and rub it it tight between his hands. These will be the strokes of genius that will lead us to the 25th coming of the Lord Etsanley. So do it! Do it soda we can olive to see another day! Do it for the children who drim of....Wait! Where did everybody go? ¡Wafer me! ¡Wafer me! ¡Hay dios mio! ¡It worked! ¡My espeech was so excitating that they all  had to hit the ice half-assed as possible!  

FIN DE LA TERCERA PARTE

Really, Tim

Do us a favour and boycott the playoffs too.

Playoffs, Grigorenkos and Other Follies

Patrick Roy is now on record for having said that if you're going to miss the playoffs, miss them properly and get yourself an electrifying player in the process. Finish low, draft high, you do the Grigorenko and you shake it all about.

That's the type of banter you're going to hear in the GM's office at the Bell Centre if Roy gets the coveted job. It's candid thought (Roy's always been a man of candour) but it's not likely to draw unanimous praise. I'm going to agree with Roy on this one though. If the entire season has been the mess that it is, then why mount a surge and finish on the outside looking in? If this were the usual salvageable December collapse, I would want the team to get their act together, regain their winning form and push on to the playoffs.

But this year is different. It's been awful from Day 1. There is very little if any hope at all to hang your hat on as far as spring fever is concerned. So if the bed is made, let's make it a comfy one. Tank this baby down to the gutter and let's see a star make his way through the doors next year. Roy obviously has the agenda to push his own talent, but his logic isn't wrong. There are no consolation prizes in hockey. No silver medals in the NHL. Would you rather finish 9th and bet on a 15th pick to blossom into a roster player or finish 28th and get some real star possibility? The choice is easy.

That would have to make the Habs sellers at the trade deadline. Goodbye Hal Gill, Travis Moen, maybe Kaberle, heck maybe even Gionta (although unlikely due to a heavy contract).

Because the fans were never given the opportunity to emotionally latch on to this season, they will swallow a near to last place easier. If management does not see a viable way to turn this thing around now, I would go with the current flow and draft the hell out of the 2012 pool.

A Time to Speak - This is Wrong

Sports bloggers are normally fans. Most of us have day jobs.

I have been a lawyer in Montreal for 8 years. I run my own business and within that formula I have carved out the time and space needed to write on this blog with my closest friends as well as provide post-game commentary on Montreal Hockey Talk with some incredibly witty and engaging people I have had the fortune to meet this year.

My law practice pays all the bills. It's incredibly time consuming. I am a dedicated litigator and handle pretty high end/stakes divorce files. It's exhausting work both mentally and emotionally. By the time Friday rolls around, I'm pretty spent and look forward to being with my family to recycle and renew my spirits.

It's incredibly hard to tack anything on to a career in law. By definition, in litigation you're meeting people who are finding themselves in an anxious juncture in their personal or corporate lives. In the midst of separation, couples find themselves devoid of the economies of scale that made the next financial rung at home a little easier to reach. Now they are alone, afraid, lacking in basic information, anguishing at the possibility of losing custody of their children, of losing their security, their home, their sanity.

I coach my clients throughout the process. They have my cell number, and they use it. Then I have to deal with opposing counsel who may or may not be an agreeable person to deal with. And that lawyer is also managing his or her client's nerves and expectations. But most of all, I wonder what we can do to protect the children caught in the middle of a mess they never asked for. Because often enough, the parents caught up in their vitriol lose sight of the real victims. Despite tirelessly advocating an approach that favours intelligent settlements, some people get tied up in the web of anger that relentlessly fuels a need for retribution.

And so to weave through a week's work I have to field incessant waves of communications: letters, faxes, emails, phone calls, text messages, voice messages on the cell and at work. We try to erect the right barriers to ensure the inevitable spill-over doesn't eat into your family life but it's hard. Tell a mother who's afraid her 16-month old may be moving to Vancouver with her father that you'll call her in the morning.

But I embrace it. I care about my clients, about their well-being and about providing a smoother path to justice than they could ever ask for.

There is almost no time to do anything else to achieve a balance and so squeezing more out of the week which doesn't involve law requires a simple ingredient: passion. Passion will create time. They feed off each other. When you do something you're passionate about, you actually lose the concept of time.

I am passionate about my family, to no end.

And I love the game of hockey.

There are many reasons why but in the end, it's the grown-up version of a form of innocence, a perpetual cycle of love and awe. The game, when well played, is simply gorgeous. The feeling of victory when your team wins is euphoric. It has to go back to an anthropological raison d'être - men doing battle and lusting for triumph and glory. Victory.

That very feeling, in the end, may be what has always stood in the way, between journalism and I; I want to cheer. I know there are far more important things in life and every time the sports world grinds to a halt when a tragedy strikes, I'm reminded that these are only games and that they are relatively meaningless. And so the true measure of balance I think is to be able to be passionate about your team within the confines of reason, decency and respect.

I've given time to this team. I've made an investment, both financially, creatively, intellectually, emotionally. I renew my season tickets every year no matter the season's results. I have been blogging for 4 years as an à côté to the hectic life I already lead.

So why do I write? Because I honestly feel like I have something to say. It's part and parcel of the emotion that binds me to the team. Part and parcel of who I am. I am a pretty well-versed guy about many things in life, but hockey has found its way into my recurring lexicon. It's threaded itself into my fabric.

I blog because I have an opinion and want to share it. With my dedication to the conversation despite being completely swallowed whole by my core business, I think I'm entitled to speak. And I think it's time.

The 2011-2012 season is a derailment in progress.

It's not just about hockey gone wrong. The woes strike at the core of the business, social, economic, call-it-what-you-want model.

I feel like our team has been hijacked. It's a strange thing to say but it's the best way I can describe it. And it's not because the coach isn't francophone, and it's not because we're below .500. It's because I don't know where everything I came to understand and enjoy about the last years is suddenly gone with no apparent explanation to quell the disbelief and confusion.

It's because it feels like the sense of strong purpose and direction you need to steer a team is gone.

I may be wrong. I'm not on the inside. But superficially, something just feels very wrong. And it feels wrong over and over again. And it felt this way early.

At first, while the team was in the middle of a real struggle the team owner and president publicly endorsed the coach and general manager.

However, a few weeks later, the coach was fired. That's not the first pat on the back that has been followed by a quick dismissal - but both Molson's initial endorsement and the subsequent firing of Jacques Martin began to create a sense of disconnect between the team and the fans. All made easier by a terrible start to the season.

How do you replace a coach with an assistant and call that your best option, when the assistant has never coached a game in the NHL? How many assistant coaches have taken over a team and turned its fortunes around? How many rookie assistant coaches have accomplished the feat? Martin is still on the books for the duration of his contract, so if this was a cost-saving scenario (because I'm sure Randy Cunneyworth is not cashing a Phil Jacksonesque cheque) was it really necessary to pick the lowest hanging fruit you could find to coach the team and risk throwing a promising season under the bus?

Why publicly slap the interim tag on Randy Cunneyworth while in the same breath acknowledge the need for an eventual bilingual candidate and, in the process, risk destroying the legitimacy a coach needs to stand on in any professional dressing room?

Why were the Ducks, Canes and Caps all able to find viable replacements for their teams a mere days before Jacques Martin was fired? With 50 games to play was it not your duty to put the essential cog that is a head coach in place who isn't slighted and diminished by a banner that speaks to his transient status within the organization?

Why use the interim tag and publicly create the impression that your General Manager is also compromised? The feeling was that a new GM would come in at year's end and not be bound by a foreign coach and his contract. Why not plan 3 steps ahead and clean house now? The media backlash alone, and the ensuing distraction this would cause the team were reason enough to have a solid plan in execution.

Why allow your general manager to call a press conference in which he reiterates the importance of a bilingual coach, further diminishing the credibility and authority a coach lives or dies by.

If the GM is a lame duck, why is he making such important moves, such as trading the team's only legitimate proven sniper and the only player who has proven to be a capable body in the playoffs?

Why are you not coaching? Coach PK who continues to make mistakes. Coach him till he's blue in the face. Until he can't take it anymore. He looks like a wild stallion out there that no one has been able to harness. And yet, he's a gem, a rare mix of speed, skill, power, defiance and, God love him, charisma. Let him run wild, but coach him to run wild. Instead, he's been held back, held back, held back. Is PK's rebellious attitude not possibly the by-product of being stifled? It seems they have been coaching him against his natural grain.

Why have 3 game days been disrupted? An assistant coach fired hours before a game. A head coach fired the morning of. Your best player, arguably, canned during an intermission. One bad year and Cammalleri is shipped out. You didn't like his attitude? With the scoring ailments afflicting this team, you don't have the luxury to nit pick about the attitude. Goals from a distance don't go in anymore? That's your excuse, Gauthier? Cammy won't score 7 to 10 goals a year from the top of the circle anymore because the league has changed so radically since you signed him to a mega-deal THREE YEARS AGO??!!

Twice this month, the team owner and president endorsed his GM while acknowledging the need for a bilingual coach.

15 years ago, Eric Desjardins, then a Flyer, spoke out and called Montreal a nearly impossible city to play in. Over time, these reasons have faded and the natural advantage of 21 000 present fans and millions more from afar adoring your every gesture made perfect sense to a hockey player. It offset the weather, the taxes...And the team began winning again. Not championships, albeit, but games, credibility, enthusiasm.

In a few short months, the team has gone from a possible contender to one of the worst teams in the NHL. The Markov excuse is invalid. He hasn't been a member of this team in 2 years, and the Habs have or at the very least should have adapted to life without him. The coaching staff has lost its way and proven incapable of devising a sustainable system. Moves that indicate panic are being made on a regular basis. Mixed messages are being sent to the fans in the form of bizarre, vague and disconnected press conferences. The team has managed to ignite a language debate at the most improbable juncture in this province's political life - as the language issue in Quebec has been dormant for years now. Hiring an anglo isn't the problem, but the PR behind the move was nothing less than amateur. Brian Burke would not have tolerated such venom. He would have said "It's a professional sport, it's a hockey decision. PERIOD." Instead here we get a weak acknowledgement of the problem, a buying into the fringe movement that makes no sense whatsoever, an apology even.

After years spent trying to erase the tag Desjardins was speaking of, it appears the team has steered itself right back into the chasm that made it so unattractive to play here. All of this happening at once may have set the team back more than we can imagine.

All of this has happened and the rest of the league is watching. The players are watching. The image Pierre Boivin worked so hard to build is broken. The fans feel alienated. The players must feel confused. The coach has every reason to be angry. And the rest of the NHL is laughing, with the word "Montreal" soon to appear under player no-trade clauses.

The bond in the room that is so often cemented by a system the players will hurt and sacrifice for appears loose. Most players, no matter the size, are playing small. There is no overarching concept in place to believe in, to buy into, to coax the players into making a gruelling physical and emotional sacrifice. How can there be when at the outset, the team cut the man they so rapidly labelled the interim coach at the knees.

This is Montreal. We love this team. Get your business plan in place. You look disorganized, even lost. This is a city where overworked, tired attorneys start hockey blogs for the fun of it. It's a city where the passion will carry the benefits of forgiveness. But do something. Do something to show that the hockey sense that seems to have vanished from the ice is somehow alive and well a few floors above.

The Morning Bell for Monday January 23, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Peyton's little brother.

Eli Manning can officially drop the title of Peyton's little bro. He's going to his 2nd superbowl and if he wins it, Peyton will become Eli's big brother.

In the NHL, Pittsburgh showed that even with all those injuries, the cream always rises. Malkin scored in OT and proved that this is a superstar league. No superstar, no win. You got that PG?

Joe Pa died. I've never seen anything like this story. Legend on Monday, retires Tuesday, fired Wednesday, sick on Thursday and dead on Friday. Crazy. No matter what you did in your life, it can all be wiped away if you covered up for a pedophile.

Game review: Habs finally screw up someone else's plans

Praise the lord. The Habs were finally able to beat a team that had more to lose than them. I learned something about myself this week. I'll never actually want the Habs to lose. I can't do it. But if there are varying degrees of pain when then lose, this year would be the most painless one I can remember. If we're not gonna make the playoffs, might as well finish closest to the bottom as possible, sell the few assets worth anything at the deadline, get the best pick possible and start fresh next year. Right?

But beating the Leafs when they're fighting tooth and nail to get in is very sweet. They basically pulled a Habs last night. 1 point out and you lose to the coldest team east of Columbus. Where have I seen that before.... Oh yeah, on the Bell Center ice about 25 times this year. So no matter how bad things get, it's always very satisfying to beat the Leafs. If we're not gonna make the playoffs, our Stanley cup will be played on April 7th at the Bell Center. If it's win and get it for Toronto, it will be our mission from God to stop them.

It was great to see Bourque score his first. Not the prettiest goal but it doesn't happen unless he skates straight to the net, something our guys have forgotten how to do. Eller scored an ugly one and scoring machine Diaz chipped in also. Carey stood tall and the rest is history.

One more game before AllStar weekend where Carey will be the token Hab. A little team called the Detroit Red Wings will be here. Oh lord. It's like finding out you have a prostate exam by Dr. Michael Clark Duncan. Please be gentle.



And Cammalleri was a -2 when his team won 6-2. You can take the loser out of the Habs, but you can't take the Habs out of the loser. Wait, what? Forget it.

Game review: Habs blow it again, lose 5-4 to Pens. And not the good kind of blowing.

You know things are going badly when your team is up 4-2 and you still consider them the underdog. I'm starting to think that they want to lose. How can a team systematicaly lose leads like this in the 3rd period? How can a team be 1-7 in the shootout?? How can Dustin Jeffrey score 2 goals against us? What the fuck is happening???

At this point, it's not about wins and losses, it's about how it's physically possible to lose with such consistency. At least they don't descriminate. The Habs are willing to lose in any way. Shutout? Of course. Lose a lead? Our specialty! Shootout no show? Yes please! We lose to the good teams, the bad teams, the injured teams... You name it, we lose it.

There are no words for this. PK's giveaway, AK's stick explosion, it's like the hockey gods are pissing all over us. And what was up with Gomez's move on the shootout (and I use the word move loosely)? He didn't do a damn thing. I too can skate in a straight line and shoot directly on the goalie. And I'll do it for only 4million. I just want him to slip in the shower and tear every ligament in his body. Then, as he's being rolled into the ambulance, the EMT decides to do an unnecessary prostate exam without any lube. Using his big toe. But before the ambulance can drive off it catches fire and explodes. Then, after finding his badly burned body, his stretcher would be wheeled out to the side of the road, where an out of control bus would run over it, breaking the rest of his bones. Once at the hospital, he would wait 16 hours in the ER like the rest of us. Then, as he's about to see the doctor, his scrotum would litteraly fall off. Then we buy him out.

Here is who I like on this team this year: Cole, Pacioretty, Desharnais, Gorges and Cole. I also like Cole and think that Cole is pretty good. But my favorite has to be Cole. The rest of this shitty team should get on their hands and knees and beg us not to lapidate them. My dream would be to throw the first stone. Right off of Kaberle's head and ricochet into Gauthier's eye. I know you can't tell as you're reading this, but I'm really pounding the keys as I type.

So let's set our sights on achievable goals. I think it's safe to say that Columbus has last place locked up, but if we focus, I think we can be a solid 2nd to last. Carolina and Tampa have the horses to pass us and then there's only Edmonton and Anaheim in our way. I know we can do this. All we have to do is play the Montreal Canadiens brand of hockey we all love. No rough stuff, zero effort in 3rd periods, absolutely no net presence and, I can't stress this enough, absolutely no power play efficiency of any kind. That my friends, is how WE play the game. Peace.

Game Preview: Habs vs the only team with more injuries

Ok people, this is it. I think it's safe to say that the Habs are not gonna make the playoffs.

But if they do, if they somehow find a way, it will be because tonight's game is the first of a 10 game hot streak. The Habs are down and out. They're ice cold. Nobody is giving them a chance. But you know what, this is how legends are born. This is the stuff movies are made of. Tonight, the streak begins. 10 points out and 4 teams between us and 8th spot. The odds are stacked against us, but we're the fuckin' Habs. 24 cups, countless hall of famers and more history than the rest of the league combined. Who's with me?!?! (crickets)

Fuck this, we're screwed. We have no chance. Even if the Pens are missing Crosby and Staal, there is no way this is gonna happen. And even if it does, will anyone be excited about being 8 points out of the playoffs?

Budaj gets the call tonight. Anybody else give a shit?

The way I see it, unless we play actual penguins, we're gonna lose. Actually, if we play actual pens, we might win. We all know a Bic can't skate for shit but felt tips are the bomb.

The Morning Bell for Friday January 20, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: I never thought I'd say this but...Newt freaking Gingrich.

Way to put CNN Whitehouse correspondent and yesterday's GOP debate moderator John King back in his mom's placenta. Newt as I affectionately call him hit the ball out of the park when King asked him about the greatest thing ever conceived, the open marriage. Trashy politics make governing harder than it needs to be. We don't need to swing it like the Europeans where mistresses follow the leader's coffin while holding the wife' hand (you're a genius Francois Mitterand), but enough already with littering elections with tabloid fodder.

In NHL news, Jaro's looking pretty good again. The Leafs are making a new push for the playoffs after having crashed back to earth, the Senators are unreal and the Panthers will become my team by adoption after having spent 4 weeks in Miami.

Eli Manning has a tummy ache but will play this weekend. In other gastro-intestinal news, Tom Brady may have diarrhea in fearing a replay of 2008.

Coach Cunneyworth held a 9-minute press conference yesterday in which he said things like "we did some good things but the Caps did them gooder".

Game review: Habs get shut out at home by 8th place team

It really is a game of inches. 2 inches lower and Bourque scores on that breakaway. 2 inches to the left and Gomez scores his first goal in 4 years. 2 inches longer and Pierre Gauthier would have a 2 inch penis. Sorry Pierre but your 48 hour genius run is over. You're back to being a sack of shit.

And to think it started so well. Bourque stood up and cleaned up his own mess by dropping the gloves 2 minutes into the game. He not only held is own but easily won the tilt. The Caps opened the score with a perfect shot from Perreault. That puck had eyes. Through the legs and a perfect top corner. Then Johansson scored on a play AK should be ashamed of. Then Ovechkin scored. Then we got a 23 minute powerplay that resulted in dick all. How do you not convert on at least 1 of 7 powerplays?? What a shitty night. You know it's a bad game when Scott Gomez was among your best players.

The Habs once again showed the NHL that they are the easiest team to play against. If they get a lead, they win. If we get a lead, they win. How do you lose 3-0 to a team that had 16 shots on net? Is it that hard to get jacked up for a game that gets you 6 points from the playoffs? We're now 9 points back. 9. It's not even the allstar break for fuck sake.

My season tickets aren't worth a damn thing. And even after all this I have to hear our owner and president show his support for the dipshit who put this whole thing together. Let's just not show up the rest of the way. Let teams win by default. There's more honor in that than what I saw tonight. I think we had 42 off sides while on our 7 powerplays. On the bright side, there are only 6 NHL teams with less points than the Canadiens and we are 2 points from dead last in the east.

So now that we clearly see that Mike Cammalleri was not the only reason we sucked ass, what's the plan? I know, trade for another long ass contract and sign Markov to 9 year extension. Asshole.

The Morning Bell for Wednesday January 18th 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Geoff Molson

He has once again publicly supported his GM. Last time he went out of his way to tell people how great the coach and GM were, he fired the Jackie a few days later. Now it's hard for me to go off on him because I'm in the middle of my "Pierre Gauthier is a genius phase", but Geoff, get real. If the Habs miss the playoffs, and they will, there's no way you're bringing back the corpse. And by the way, you're a shitty president. You're lucky that you are also the owner. Grow some balls and shake things up. God forbid 6 french people boycott your beer.

Ex-coach orgy on RDS tonight!

So guess who's crawling out of the rock he's been living under... Jackie!

He'll be on l'Antichambre tonight with 3 other fired head coaches. Sounds like an AA meeting to me. These 4 bastards (Therrien, Tremblay, Carbo and Jackie) had their asses kicked by this job and now they're gonna get together and talk about how it drove them to alcoholism. Riveting. It would be great if Jackie would come out all pissed off and talk some trash about Gauthier and Molson, but I'm betting it will be just as boring as his post loss press conferences. Just once I'd like to see a fired coach torch the team that just canned him. I wanna see some dirty laundry god damnit!

But you know, with all the bitching we did (and by we, I mean I) the guy was one game over .500 and 2 points out of the playoffs when we let him go. Amazing what can happen in 30 days.

The Morning Bell for Tuesday January 17th

Today's honorary ringers: The Toronto Maple Leafs.

It took a few months longer than I had hoped, but you're officially in 9th place. Welcome home assholes.

Kind of a quiet day in sports. The NFL news has passed and the Impact was actually on the front page. Apparently Brian Ching didn't seem convinced he wanted to play here. I think that ranks just above watching parliamentary debates on the public funding of peanut research in the list of "things I don't give a shit about".

Yesterday, my kid had diarrhea. I hear him now. He woke up. I'm scared to go get him. Who knows what's waiting for me in there. I'd rather sit here and type. Some weather we're getting here in Montreal. One day is -15, the next is +2. Talk about some crazy shit. Speaking of shit...

Fuck it. Wish me luck. I'm goin' in...

PK, your mother and I need to talk to you.

I've been putting off this post for a while. Simply put, I hate having to write it. It's like that conversation about sex you have to have with your daughter. It has to happen, you just wish you can push it back to say, never.

We need to talk about you, PK. You are the inspiration behind this blog. You are by far the most talented player on this team. You're charismatic, you're good lookin', you're pretty much fantastic. The problem is that you're lost out there. I'm not about to put this all on you. God knows there are a lot of people to blame for your mediocre season. Jackie had no idea how to coach you, Markov's absence hurt your development and Perry Pearn's firing shook you to your core. We all know you two were brothas.

But even with all that, you haven't been pulling your weight. When you got here, you immediately became a fan favorite. You were given a pass for all your mistakes and congratulated for all your nice plays. Well, nothing in life is free my man. Time to pay up. The team is in the shitter and it needs you. It doesn't need you for a smile and a good sound bite after a loss. It needs to to put your money where your mouth is. You're expected to play at a certain level. You ain't doing it. But that's not the problem. You're not the first or the last to have a sophomore jinx. But you need to get your head out of your ass out there. Enough with the childish smiles after scrums. Enough with the 3 second windup on your slapshot off the point. Man up. We need a bad ass. Someone who's a little more Malcolm X and a little less MLK. Turn the other cheek? Fuck that. Beat the shit out of that cheek. And when you're done, beat the shit out of the other one for good measure.

Now I'm not suggesting you change who you are. We all fell in love with your enthusiasm and the way you seem to always have fun out there. I just don't wanna see your teeth that often, unless you just used them to stop a slapshot. It means that you're in the big leagues now. When the team is losing like it is now, you need to show that it's affecting you. You need to play like you're fucking pissed. A little fucker like Ference is in your face? Drop him like the sack of shit that he is. Brad Marchand keeps yapping? A nice crosscheck in the kidneys will do the trick.

Your teammates are watching your every move. You're Mr. Popular. They're wondering why you and Carey always get the biggest cheers. Show them why. Because you're a bad motherfucker. No more smiles during losses. No more turtling to avoid a penalty. Besides, I've seen you without a shirt on. You're a beast. When the equipment manager asks you which one is your stick, the answer should always be : the one with Bad Motherfucker written on it.

I know this may seem harsh, but you can handle it. You're not a rookie anymore. We're asking you to grow up a little faster than usual. We're also asking you to do it with a bunch of morons running the team. But they're not the ones we pay to see. You are. They're not the ones that we all talk about the next day. You are. They're not the ones who get all the glory when we win. You are. You were meant to play here. Your talent and personality would be wasted anywhere else.

So roll up your sleeves and earn that huge contract we all want you to sign this summer. Just don't take us for granted. And try not to spit on people when 73 cameras are on you. Just sayin'.

Morning bell and game review: Habs win. For real this time.

Today's honorary ringer: Pierre Gauthier!

The man is a genius. First it was Perry Pearn to blame for our troubles and now it's Mike Cammalleri. the Habs are now the best team in the league.

Let's be serious for a moment. Yesterday was a step in the right direction. A small step but a step nonetheless. All we need is to play like that and win 40 straight games and we're in business. Rene Bourque played well in his debut, the Desharnais line was magic and even ol' Scotty showed some jam. What else can a DC ask for!

By the way, did anyone else notice the fans booing when we couldn't get out of our zone? We were up 3-1 vs the best team in the league! That is exactly what makes me love us and hate us at the same time. This sense of entitlement we have because 50 years ago, we had a great team. I love it.

So that's it for now. Until further notice, and there will be further notice, Pierre Gauthier is a mad scientist genius.

Game Review: Habs win (a shootout loss is now a win for us) vs Senators

So I'm 24 hours into my 48 hour window of thinking Pierre Gauthier is a genius. So far, things are not looking good for Mr. Gauthier. I think we're well on our way to going back to thinking he's dumber than a bag of nails. I can't say that I'm surprised, but I was secretly thinking there was a one in a million chance they would fluke off a post Cammalleri run that would make them compete for a playoff spot.

The Habs got a point last night. That's a win in 2012 for these bums. In all honesty, if this was 2 months ago, I would say that their performance was nothing to be ashamed of, that they were on the right track and that if they keep playing like that, they'll be just fine. But it's January 15th and we're 8 points out of 8th. So they can kiss my ass. PK had a goal called back, they shot 34 times and it still wasn't enough against the oddly successful Senators. The best part of the whole night was seeing Kaberle take the shootout. Why on earth would an anglo coach take that risk. If you're gonna lose in a shootout, at least go down with your best players shooting... or at least your best forwards... or at least your best french guy. Desharnais was sitting right there! Isn't this the same Kaberle who's never been a great goal scorer? What, did he pull a sweet move in practice while Carey was blowing kisses to the teenage girls watching in Brossard? The only coaches who should be allowed to play a hunch are the ones with a cup. Or perhaps more than 13 games experience in the NHL.

Scott Gomez came back in grand fashion. Zeros across the board. No points, no shots, no guacamole, no talent. No shit. Who would've thought any different.

Our reward for that performance is a date with the best team in the east. They too played last night. They won. Against a team we can't beat. 3-0.

C'mon Pierre, 24 hours left in your stay of execution. The guillotine is sharpened, the arena is sold out, the t-shirts are selling like hotcakes.

Game Preview: Clueless Habs vs Streaking Sens

So this is the first day of the rest of the season. The Canadiens are 9 points out of the playoffs. The guy they traded Cammalleri for is still suspended and Gauthier just found out that he is in no way related to Raymond Bourque. That alone would be reason enough to throw in the towel on the season. But I feel like giving this season one last shot. I was never all that upset about the trade itself, but the way it went down. It made this team look like it was run by a bunch of amateurs. But that's all in the past.

For the next 48 hours, I will assume that Pierre Gauthier is a genius. He pinpointed Cammalleri as a cancer in the room (Perry Pearn style) and surgically extracted him in the ballsiest mid game trade ever. We're losers? Fuck you. You're traded. Now that's bad ass. He's the Clint Eastwood of GMs. The only thing that would've made it all better is if he would've shipped him to the Islanders or Blue Jackets. If he had a shred of credibility, it would have been great. But he's not Clint Eastwood. He's Inspector Clouseau.

Back to my fantasy. Pierre Gauthier is the man. The Habs have now cleared the air in the Cammalleri-less dressing room and are now ready to make a run at 8th place. Easy breezy weekend with the sizzling Senators and 1st place Rangers coming to town. At first I was worried, but now I see the light. You know why? #11 is back baby! His point per 43 game production will boost the Habs right into contention. Rumor has it that Scotty has fire in his belly. Probably from too much picante sauce, but still. He's a man on a mission. A mission to save the franchise. And that's good enough for me. Bleu Blanc Rouge baby!

Reason # 546 that nobody wants to play here

Thank you Journal de Montreal for making it official that your publication is actual toilet paper. Michael Cammalleri loved playing here. He was gracious in his last interview. He scored 13 goals in one playoff run. Have a little respect you fucking assholes.

The Morning Bell for Friday the 13th of January, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Jason

It's Friday the 13th. Jason should get up this morning, have a coffee and pick up his trusty rusty chainsaw. Drive to the Bell Center, hop on the elevator, push # 7, relax and listen to the muzak, get off, and murder everyone he sees. Everyone. The janitor, the secretaries, everyone. Then he should take Gauthier's severed head and hang it out the window for all to see.

The Habs "played" last night. Lost by 1 goal to Boston, which in this city is a win. Traded a fan favorite because he's having a bad year in exchange for an underacheiver who happens to be 6'2. When did the trade happen? In the 2nd period. As he was on the ice. Why on earth would you dress him if this deal was supposedly in the works for a month? $20 says Gauthier picked up the phone with 3 mins left in the first, tried to dial the Easter bunny but got Jay Feaster. He asked for Cadbury cream eggs and got Rene Bourque instead.

That's it. I'm done with them.

The following blog post may not be suitable for young children. It will be profanity laced and somewhat incoherent due to the migraine this team is causing me.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? Our only real sniper gets traded for telling the world what we all thought. That the Habs were losers. They prepare like losers, they play like losers, they have sex like losers. LOSERS. Cammalleri was having a shitty year. I blamed him and him alone for that. But 24 hours after he says it you trade him to the lowest bidder? This is the same guy who scored 13 in the playoffs 2 years ago. Which by the way is a franchise record. Who else on this team can say they have a franchise record? Oh yeah, Pierre Gauthier. He has more shit coming out of his mouth than any other GM ever.

Have we learned nothing from the Patrick Roy deal? What was fucking the rush? Fucking Rene Bourque is still suspended for another game. And can someone please tell Pierre Gauthier that René Bourque doesn't even speak french? In all seriousness, I'm 100% sure he doesn't know that. Next thing you know he'll trade the rest of the team for Matt Duchesne and Paul Bissonnette and then hire Pat Lafontaine as coach.

Michael Cammalleri scored 39 goals in Calgary. He came here and his production dropped. René Bourque scored 27 goals in Calgary, so figure he's good for 20 here. I like the 3.3M cap hit, but for another 3 years after this one?? Did our moron of a GM just realize that we needed to get bigger? Where was this logic when you signed 3 midgets to save the team?

My favorite part in all this is that they tell the poor bastard about the trade in the middle of a one goal game in Boston. What other organization does this? None. Just this one.

Cunneyworth: OK boys, let's get out there and kick some ass. We're still in this.

Habs: Hip Hip! Hooray!

Cunneyworth: Mike, hold on a second. I need to ask you something. Do you still have that condo in Calgary?

Cammy: Yes, why?

Cunneyworth: No reason. Pierre wants to talk to you.

Gauthier: Mr. Cammalleri, you've been traded to the Flames for Raymond Bourque.

Cammy: Very funny. We're in the middle of a game.

Gauthier: I'm serious. Get your shit and get the fuck out of here. There's a donkey waiting in the parking lot to take you to the bus station. Jay Feaster wants you on the first bus to Alberta. Once you arrive, a guy on a purple bicycle will pick you up and bring you to the saddledome. Only talk to the guy on a purple bicycle. Trust me. This is how we roll in Montreal.

Cammy: I'm gonna tell everybody what a shitty organization this is. Nobody will ever want to play here.

Gauthier: Joke's on you loser. Everybody already hates Montreal. Besides, with Raymond Bourque, we're a top 5 team for sure. All players who speak french are better than their english counter parts. That's what the protesters say.

Cammy: Go fuck yourself Pierre.

Gauthier: Don't mind if I do.


How is this happening? How is fucking Geoff Molson allowing this to happen? I used to think that Gauthier was the problem, and he is, but what Geoff Molson is doing is insane. How do you hand over the keys to such a moron? What on earth has he done to prove to you that he has the slightest idea what he's doing? And then Gauthier has the balls to tell us that the team is better? No it isn't. It's worse. Worse than the shit it was. There's shit, fifty feet of garbage, 20 more feet of shit, then the Habs.

My mission in life is to see them lose every game the rest of the way. Not most games, every game.

STRONG SIGNS POINT TO CAMMALLERI BEING TRADED MID-GAME

More to come.

What the hell.

What the hell.

No more Jews left on the team, we repeat, no more Jews left on the team.

The Morning and Afternoon Bell and Habs-Bruins Game Preview for Thursday January 12, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Mike Cammalleri.

So who cares if Cammy says it the way it is. He's pissed, he's not contributing, he's upset the new coach isn't using him to the levels he was used to and he uttered a few words that made international headlines.

Really, do we have nothing better to do than criticize Cammalleri for being pissed in front of a camera. Right or wrong, it's a trivial story detail. Let's get on with it.

The Habs now play the Bruins tonight, another huge test that will measure where the team stands right now. The first 2 games of 2012 offered slightly compelling narratives. The Jaro fest was ugly. It was a nice night for the Slovak but Jaro did not have to make 40 saves to win the game. The Habs made it easier for the Blues.

Another big opponent tonight with the Bruins battling for the Conference lead. Look at these Bruins as the new Flyers of the 70's, the Causeway Bullies. Tough from the goal out. Offensively creative, big on D, big up front, skilled, blue collared. After stumbling out of the gate, the Bruins are now poised to make another run. Forget the Habs, think of the upcoming playoffs as something to salivate over. One can only hope for a final 4 involving Boston, Philly, the Rangers and a team like the Devils or the Penguins. Heck even the Caps, outside looking in, can complete the formidable quatro.

Montreal has played decently if not to say quite well against the Bruins this year. It's a rivalry that just naturally extracts the competitive juices out of the players. Because a win against the Bruins, Leafs, Habs means more than a win: it's a psychological statement that rolls into the chapters that make up the continuous and never ending storyline. The Kovy hit on Tucker, the Chara hit on Pacioretty, whatever it is, even when the players are long gone, it continues to fuel the dynamics of the interminable script and therefore enhances the emotional volume of the next game.

Habs-Bruins means a win is more than a win. Montreal can say they took 3 out the first 4 of the new year and start using that as a swivel to propel them into a run for the playoffs that becomes more legitimate.

Tonight it means the team has to dedicate itself to impeccably sound hockey. Carey has little margin for error, the power play has to click, the D has to play a tight road game and leave the unnecessary fancy shmancy behind - yes you, PK, and the forwards have to skate hard and force the Bruins into costly mistakes. It's a tall order. An order so tall that it would look down and see Zdeno Chara's head.

Get Over It Ostie!

Le téléroman qu’a été jusqu’à présent la première moitié de saison du Canadien se poursuit de plus belle avec un scandale maintenant passé aux annales journalistiques du journalisme anal sous le nom ‘d’Affaire Cammalleri.’ J’ai été surpris de ne pas voir Lulu et Linda Hébert parmi les impliqués car un scoop comme ça, il n’y en a pas eu depuis que Pierre Lambert et Mac Templeton se sont fait prendre à sniffer  dans les douches du Colisée. Les propos de l’attaquant connaissant une saison médiocre n’ont rien de choquant car ils  nous rammènent tout simplement à une réalité qu’on a tous en plein visage depuis le début de la saison. 

La réalité est que la frustration ne peut que battre son plein dans le vestiaire d’une équipe qui tente d’arrache-pied de sortir de sa torpeur. La réalité demeure que les joueurs n’ont pratiquement plus le droit à l’erreur. La réalité est que la pression atteignant des niveaux toxiques ne fait pas toujours ressortir ce qui a de plus élégant chez l’être humain. La réalité est que le sensationnalisme doit d’une façon ou d’une autre être généré afin de nous divertir. Faute de voir l’équipe gagner, la réalité c'est que nous pourrons nous en donner à cœur joie d’ici la fin de la saison. Le cycle des nouvelles sportives compte 24 heures; bien assez pour allouer une heure de scandale par semaine à chaque joueur et d’utiliser des traitements de choc évoquant le grand Jacques Mercier.

By the way, good luck with your new home Michael. Just don`t give out your new address until we win ten in a row or until the media finds out about Budaj`s illegitimate Black daughter. I think we all know what will come first. As for ce soir, bring on the Champs! There`s mucho mucho work to be done against those we hate but have no choice but to call winners.     

   

So Mach Meny Thenk You Mentr...Na!!!!....Fak You Mentreal!!!!!!!!

You sey goudby to me Mentreal??!! To me Jaro?!!

I take Canediens teem to final of four and then coch Martoun and Ganey and meneger Gothier say ok Jaro good play Jaro, see you soon Jaro, have fun in beaches of St-Louey Jaro!

THEY NO BEACHES IN ST-LOUEY COCH MARTOUN!!!

So I move to Louey Blue teem to pley hackey. I take my girlfriend bland girl who lav me mach and sey Jaro, you so golie, I follow you to Louey and we become femily there together. Ok, Ok, girlfriend bland, you come with me to Louey too and I sey I lav you everyday so you wash my clothes and ears.

I remember before to leave Mentreal I go to sport shop to sign my name. So mach fun for me Jaro. I sign, Cari has hepoutatis, Love Jaro! Or Stay Strong, not like pounis of Cari, Love Jaro. Or Thenk you for the memorees, and for the mamorees of Cari girlfriend, Love Jaro.

So great day for to sign my name! I even sign my name on boob of women who sey to me Jaro that she come to Huey Louey with me and wash my ears too!

Everyting so to great for me Jaro in Louey bluey. I see rainbow from my balcony everyday! Big white rainbow that never go away even if no rain or sun! So weird rainbow in Louey, just big and white with no colors!!!! Oh Louey, you so rainbow!!!

We came to Mentreal last nite and I go back to my gol at bell centre. Mentreal with no Jaro pley like my cousin in Bratislava who play bleck ops on box x. she so bad!! I sey cousin, you no choose goldfish to kill chilean terrorist?!!! Oh cousin! You so chilean!!!!!

Louey pley so good we win stanley cap for sure this year. Mentreal win maybe tickets to Teylor Swif cancert.

Last nite was so Jaro! Mentreal same teem. Andrei still have poopilepsie, and Ploukanec still from bad neyborhood in czech republic and went to public school, and Poukay still think he have to moonwak on ice to score gol and Hal Gill still bump head everywere he go!!!! Gill! you so Eifel! And Cammoulari who have amnesia of brain and forget to score gols.

And my friend Cari. Stupid, fat wale ass huge ice cream face, hipoupatamous mouth, ugly cowboy ooh look at me i have hat of dally parton and bobs like her too fat wale Cari fat wale.

Cari pley so bad again last nite. My gad I think Cari need to play banjo all of life. Maybe he pley song and we sell it with free can of tuna for my Jaro busness!!!!

Last nite, ploukinec from bad neyborhood come to me Jaro on brekaway. SAVE JARO!!!!

Then stupid bland labrador dog Larzeller try to score. SAVE JARO!

AND POUKAY the dancing machine....SAVE JARO!!!!

I make 326 saves last nite and Cari have 43 gols behind to his ass!!!! Then fans pick me Jaro star 1 of game and I go out and i raise my hand and one finger in my glove!!!!!! Hahahaha, no like Ferrence stupid mankey who forget Jaro trick!!!!

Goodby again Mentreal! See you in 2 years when I came back with Vajina trophee, Peter Jenings, Stanley cap, another stanley cap this one maybe a bit smaller, lady bing my new girlfriend (sorry mister bing!!!! hahahaha she mine now!!!!!), MVP, and new recipee for stew I make for coch Hitchcock. Best name coch! Teem call me Jarocock now. If you proud of it, why no put it in your name??? No Cariwalefatassicecreamfacefatwale?

The Morning Bell for Wednesday January 11, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Jaroslav Halak.

As fitting as tube socks; a shutout in his return to the Bell Centre.

The fans never got a chance to publicly salute Jaro for what he did, having been eliminated away from home in 2010. The only opportunity he got came in the shape of a weird autograph session at la Capsule Sportive at Fairview in Pointe-Claire over two months after the trade was made. Last night, in the end, it was all about saying thanks - to and from the fans. The shutout made it all the more conducive to express that kind of gratitude.

So that snaps a 2-game winning streak. Win 2, lose 1 the rest of the way. That's the only option.

More on the game later...

Lots of games on tap in the NHL last night. A special someone got his second career hat trick. The Leafs shut out the Sabres, the Rangers continue to roll - so many feel good stories not involving the Habs.

Mitt Romney continues to emerge as the probable opponent to Barack's Obamas in this year's presidential election after his win in New Hampshire last night. Romney beat the New Hampshire Wildcats 4-2 with a strong showing in the third period. In a 7-game series, Romney would probably take the Habs in 5.

Jaro comes to the place he never called home...

Tonight is an interesting one.

Jaroslav Halak comes back to Montreal to play goal for the St-Louis Blues, the team who traded for him after he led Montreal to a playoff run that was vintage St-Patrick. No Jaro, and the Habs run in 2010 would have lasted exactly 5 games.

But he was traded at the height of his powers in Montreal, as he was reaching superstar status. Not since Chris Chelios, has Montreal traded away such a young talent at the blossoming of his stardom. When Roy was shipped to Denver, he had done everything he could as a Hab, there was nothing left to be desired save for copy-paste, copy-paste, and boy would we have killed for a few more of those championships. But what we saw with Jaro was a player being sent out of town immediately after reaching improbable heights for the very first time.

It means he was never destined to be the Habs number one. Only a Stanley Cup could have possibly derailed the Price is a stallion movement started by Bob Gainey. The problem is that despite Halak's amazing performance, the alienation process began very early in his career in Montreal.

There's a reason my Jaro posts on Four Habs Fans came to be. No matter what Jaro did for the organization, he was consistently treated as second tier. He led the Habs to a late season surge when Cristobal Huet was injured only to see the last game of the season be given to Huet who hadn't played in weeks - a make it or break it game with everything on the line. They broke it and missed the playoffs after Huet let in a flurry of goals over 3 periods.

Then Price came in and again, no matter how well Jaro was playing in Hamilton, Price would be the future. Rarely making any appearances after a loss, the team never showed any confidence in his ability to overtake Price as the permanent leader between the posts. As the Canadiens failed to pledge allegiance to Jaro, Jaro did the same and the signs were evident that he would be leaving after the media scrum when the Habs were eliminated against the Flyers in the Conference Finals.

Now he's back, with a little chip on his shoulders; the game is being played a year too late, the significance of the return diluted by the passage of time. A little 2010 spring magic tonight may make it the special night it could have been.

The Morning Bell for Tuesday January 10, 2012

Today's Honorary Ringer: Marcel Goc. Forget the GOP, the GOC is where it's at right now. And thanks to the GOC, the Panthers beat the Canucks in overtime last night and Florida registered it's 50th point of the season. Read that last part again.

So every journalist and blogger out there has been go about 2 things in the last few days. Spilling ink over the return of Jaro and coming up with the adequate mathematical formula that would see the Habs into the playoffs. Let's simplify the whole playoff thing. The boys need to not lose 3 in a row the rest of the way if they want to even dream of qualifying. But Mike Boone said it best, they're going to have to play like a top-5 calibre team if they're going to squeeze into a spot. As far as I'm concerned, the first slump to open the season severely damaged their hopes. The December slump did them in.

So while these games aren't meaningless, any resurgence will extend the perennial spinning of wheels of a team that has branded itself as middle of the packers for as long as I can remember.

If the Habs are going to make it, they would have to kick one of the current 8 seeds out. Look at that group for a moment. Hard to see how and why Montreal would overtake anyone of them. Now look at the Capitals who've got a far more realistic shot at making it than Montreal and figure that if both Montreal and Washington clinched a spot, 2 of today's 8 seeds would have to go.

Unless Tim Tebow can find a way to kneel on ice, it's not gonna happen.

We'll preview Habs-Blues a bit later today. It should be brilliant hockey analysis.

The Morning Bell for Monday January 9th 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Tim "I might actually be the son of God" Tebow.

Are you kidding me? This guy is freaking me out. He wins an OT playoff game against a very tough Steeler team that was a huge favorite on an 80 yard pass??? Is that even possible? He now wins the right to play the Patriots next week. A team that wiped the floor with him a few weeks ago.

In Hab land, things are looking as rosie as they have in the last month, which isn't saying much. We're riding a 2 game win streak and are getting ready for Jarofest at the Bell Center on Tuesday. Should be a good game. Jaro will get his ovation at the beginning and hopefully the team can refocus on getting the job done. The job being to humiliate him "Theo Style" by scoring 8 goals on him.

Game review: Habs win again. Let the playoff run begin!

Aaaight mofos. DC is back in this hell hole of a freezer just in time to discuss last night's game. But before we get into that, I'm happy to report that my return home was particularly wonderful after finding that my refrigerator broke down while I was away. Do you know what 2 week old non-refrigerated chicken smells like?

So, Now that we're in 2012 and the world is gonna end anyways, I've decided to go optimistic. For now. That is until they lose.

Now my opinion may be a little off after only watching highlites for the last 2 weeks, but that was a great game. Lots of chances in both directions, good flow, crowd seemed into it. I was a little disappointed that Eller didn't score 4, but I'm in a good mood, so I'll let it slide. It was also nice to see this team finally put up back to back wins at home. After a horrendous first half, we obviously can't afford to drop many more games at home.

Now in all the Cunneyworth shitstorm, let's call it Cunneygate, I hadn't noticed something. Our new coach may not know how to speak francais, but he sure as hell knows how much ice time to give his 4th line. Blunden and Darche played about 5 minutes a piece. Eller is getting a regular shift with his 20 mins and Emelin continues to lay out the body for 20 minutes a game. Me likey.

So let's not get too excited, but who knows, this could be the beginning of the run than could make the last month of the season worth watching.

PS: Winter sucks.

PKIST SABBATICAL ENDING SHORTLY

Our apologies for the meagre content this week. Helluva time to go on break after a Hab scored 4 goals for the first time since legend Jan Bulis pulled off the feat against the Flyers.

I'm still in Florida and DC is now back home. I shovelled sand on the beach in a castle formation. DC now goes back to shovelling snow in no formation of any significance.

El Conkistador has been called by the government of Panama to provide therapy to Manuel Noriega as he adjusts to returning home, in prison.

El Conkistador may also be called in by the Habs as they adjust to not losing.

We'll be back taking a regular shift as of tomorrow.

The Morning Bell for Thursday January 5th 2012

Today's honorary ringer: take a guess

4 goals. And that penalty shot should've counted for 2. So let's make it 5 goals. After a performance like that, there's nothing else to say.

The Morning Bell for Wednesday January 4, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: the third period comeback.

Hats off to the Canadian WJC squad for almost making want to commit hara kiri after having gone to bed after two periods last night. When you're down 6-1 with 10 minutes to go and manage to lose the game by a goal, at least you saved face. What a sting those kids must have felt at the end.

The bad news is that the Habs are back at it tonight in the quest for drafting supremacy. The Jets play their first game in Montreal. The Habs are now 9 points out. Management is counting on the next block of games at home to turn the tide. Hey, Management. Look up Aerosmith, the song they wrote. It's a power ballad. Early 70's.

The Jets are a point behind the 8th place Devils -  so yes, they're the better team and the Habs go into pretty much every game as the clear underdog the rest of the way.

Mitt Romney won the GOP Iowa Caucus last night. This means that when the Habs play Romney, they'll be the underdog in that one too. Amazing that Romney beat Richie Sambora by just 8 votes in what was the closest race ever in a Republican presidential contest.

So who's optimistic? Anyone?

Does anyone truly believe that the Habs have a chance in hell of making the playoffs? We would have to make a run of epic proportions. They're 8 points out. They're ice cold. They're injured. Their coach can't say "I wanna puke" in french. The whole system is breaking down. Although we are now hearing that Cunneyworth is taking lessons. You gotta respect that. He's in the eye of the shitstorm and instead of running for the hills, he's learning french to take on more abuse. Quel Champion.

And to make things worse, the majority of our next 20 games are at home, where we can't seem to beat anyone except ourselves. Ouch.

As Habs fans, we've learned to curb our expectations of the last 18 years. We never expect much. But this year, I had my hopes up. Not that we would be a top 3 team in the east, but that we would comfortably make the playoffs and perhaps make a run. We were Boston's toughest opponent last year. Our young stars were another year older and wiser. Things were supposed to get better.

What the hell happened? We've been playing without Markov for the better part of 2 years now, so enough with that excuse. Price was a Vezina contender and PK was one of the brightest young stars in the game. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in most of the young talent of this team, but what the hell just happened here?

On paper, we're way better than this. The Kaberle trade has worked out better than expected (although I'm still very worried about that contract). But disappointing seasons from Cammalleri, Gionta, Gomez (how did he get worse...HOW???) and PK are just too much to overcome. Cole Desharnais and Pacioretty can't carry this team on their own and Price isn't playing well enough to steal enough games for us to sneak in. And to make this even more depressing, I'm not hearing anything exciting about the draft this year. Although I'm sure Mr. Gauthier would fuck up the top pick anyways.

Here goes nothing...

This just keeps getting better

The year got off to a great start when PK and TP dropped the gloves at practice this morning. Luckily, neither one of them has the slightest idea how to land a punch. This kind of thing happens during an 82 game season. It either means that they just don't like each other and the whole dressing room is sick of being stuck together, or, the competitive juices have been renewed and they will show this kind of jam on the 4th vs the Jets. As an eternal pessimist when it comes to this team, let's just assume that the whole fucking thing is falling apart. TP is probably pissed about his reduced ice time. He's usually the one cleaning up the shit, not starting it. As for PK, he's polarizing figure. We here at the PK'ists obviously love him, but I can see how his skill, his smile and his attitude can get under people's skin. But underneath that smile, is a badass who hates to lose. If you ask me, we need more of that in our dressing room. So let's chalk this one up to "inconsequential practice fisticuffs". Unless one of them wakes up with a bloody horse's head in their bed. How do you suppose it went down?

TP: take it easy PK, it's just practice.

PK: practice? We talking' about practice?

TP: you're a couple tattoos shy of making that quote

PK: and you're a turtleneck away from looking like a circumcised penis.

TP: how about I circumcise your time on the power play

PK: how about I circumcise your stupid goatee. It's like douchevember 12 months a year with you.

TP: You wanna go?

PK: go where?

TP: Starbucks

PK: I think we should fight

TP: is that why everybody is staring at us?

PK: yup, it's go time.

The Morning Bell for Monday January 2, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Josh Gorges

This is the team's leader. Not a silent leader, a vocal, intelligent and dedicated human being. I understand the organization's decision to have named Brian Gionta captain. When you sign a bunch of high profile veterans to make up the nucleus of the team it's hard to anoint the young guy as a leader without facing some feeling like an outsider issues. Don't fool yourself though, this is the next captain of the Montreal Canadiens. Gorges has quietly become what we all thought Mike Komisarek would be. A valiant presence, a defying shot blocker, a courageous athlete whose presence on the back end bound the defense corps into a solid cohesive unit.

What words can you have for a guy who plays most of his career with a knee injury that would have shelved any athlete at the onset. What do you say about a player who takes a rocket off the head which left an ugly laceration behind the ear and returns to play the next game. Captain.

The team did right by Gorges. After repaying his services with the threat of arbitration, an always nasty and petty affair, the Habs opted to sign Gorges for 1 year last summer. They were obviously not willing to bet on 2 massive contracts leaning on 2 wonky knees. We now understand who has materialized as the pillar on this team. You can only wonder what a healthy Markov would bring to the mix. Gorges, Markov, Subban, Gill, Emelin, Kaberle. Sounds as versatile and delightful as ever. Gorges is the glue that holds it all together. His responsible play and impeccable positioning affords any partner on his pairing the right to cheat just a little. The school of Adam Foote. He leads this terribly weak team in the +/-, he leads the league in shot blocking and as a result is a huge asset on the penalty kill.

Bravo to the Habs front office from doing this right and braking with the nonsensical tradition of not negotiating with a player during the season. The Habs used to see this as a distraction. It wasn't. It was good business, a show of respect and gratitude for what a player has brought to your organization and the only way to keep the betting low. Talk to your guy while you're the only one who can.

Gorges is exactly what the Montreal Canadiens should be about. You build from the inside out, around the integrity of this type of player. He'll wear the C. And we better not hear a peep about him not conjugating "Je suis le véritable meneur de cette équipe" adequately.

Mr. Gauthier's New Year's Resolutions

Am I dreaming? Did this team just sign a player mid-season? Josh Gorges just inked a 6 year extension at 3.9M per. It's about 400K more than I would've thought, but Mr. Gorges is an essential part of our team. His stats are good and he's a born leader. He's also in his prime at 27 years old. No complaints here.

I don't think I'm dreaming because if I were, Pierre would get canned and replace the guy who plays the spoons in front of Ogilvy. So I'm clearly lucid. Perhaps this is a New Year's resolution. I'm all for it. Time to move on to Price, PK and Pacioretty. If this is a resolution, here are a few other suggestions I have for Mr. Gauthier:

1) Don't be a corpse
2) Quit
3) Ask Larry Carriere permission to take a piss
4) Go to the gym
5) Take Markov's doctor out for dinner and verify he actually went to school.
6) Take dancing lessons with the Missus
7) Borrow some testosterone from Brian Burke
8) Get laid
9) Find out what a physical centerman over 6 feet tall is
10) Quit

If he does all that, I'll have a permanent erection.