Tuesday, March 19, 2013
LIFE OF PK
I can't believe my story went straight to DVD.
I mean, my whole life, I've been happy, content, and then in a split second, on a Carnival cruise last month, my life became a living hell.
Something happened on the ship. The boat hit a wave and the tilt disconnected the cable service. No Netflix, no WI-FI. A nightmare by anyone's standards. I did what any sensible human being would do. I threw myself off the boat and swam for dear life.
But I wasn't alone. Like the Bruins that have tormented my soul since I entered the league, a bear who too could not tolerate the inhumane conditions on the ship also jumped off in the hopes of a better fate. Those damn Bruins. Here I am tearing up their goalies and what do they do? They draft my brother Malcolm. What am I supposed to do now? Make mama cry?
Anyways, some helpless internet-less soul on the boat probably witnessed the situation unravel because before I knew it, the bear and I were both making for a lifeboat that had been tossed over.
"Richard Park! Swim Richard Park, you can do it Richard Park!"Crap! I just invited a full grown bear on a lifeboat with me! What was I thinking?!??
Richard Park was an enormous beast, - a famous bear from the Boston Zoo - and all his presence did was constantly remind me of Zdeno Chara. What luck. For days, I refused to leave the tarpaulin in the hopes that I could outlast Richard Park, my Asian bear, but alas, the will of Richard Park was strong.
How could I defeat the bear?! I could barely outlast the Bruins and this was just a re-enactment of my failed fortunes. I figured it out though. By my calculations, we would be rescued in 7 days. The "What to do if you're a shipwrecked professional hockey player" manual in the boat came in very handy. A person needs to drink 4 days out of 7 if he is to survive. Drinking for 3 days during this period will be fatal.
Richard Park would not deny me my fluids, nor my intake of raw fish. Man can't live without his sushi. It was a gruelling task, trying to tame the bear for seven days. Most days, I felt he wasn't even that thirsty, I personally felt he was embellishing. He looked hydrated to me.
Whining, whining, whining, that's all Richard Park would do. And then one day he had had enough and tried to break my head across the bow. Totally against castaway rules. "No, Richard Park! This is my boat! This is my head! You will not claw me to my death! Do you hear me Richard Park! Do you hear me you ugly bear!!!"
Richard Park was not amused. I knew that this bear would go to the extent of his convictions. A few years back, Richard Park had been invited with the rest of his zoo-mates to the Whitehouse to put on a show for Sasha's birthday (or was it Malia...). Richard Park refused. The animals all put on a great circus act but Richard Park stayed home, protesting the President's treatment of Asian bears and Asian actors in Judd Apatow comedies. He posted his views all over Facebear.
Richard Park was a serious creature. But I found ways to defy the odds and I drank my ration of fluids 4 days out of 7.
But it took 7 days. And I was running out of tricks.
On the seventh day, with a few seconds left before sundown, I had to do something. Time was running out. And that's when I caught a glimpse of the strangest thing. This enormous bear, for all his massive girth had the tiniest penis. "Richard Park! Your penis is so small! Look at your little bear penis, Richard Park! Look at those little balls!" Richard Park didn't like that at all. It agitated him. He protested more than ever before. So I decided to pull out the all-important penis measuring rule from the castaway playbook. I measured Richard Park's penis. It was indeed tiny by bear standards. The bear knew it. I knew it. Richard Park was defeated. He threw himself off the lifeboat.
The story of my survival is a harrowing tale. But a bear with penis envy is condemned to a life that makes a Carnival cruise seem like a ...(how the hell do you even finish that sentence...)