We've done this before.
Here and here.
We are told that divine intervention altered Carey Price's career like no other phenomenon could.
Lately, we have felt that PK could use a little guidance, like young Carey did, back in the day. So we called up the big Man himself (or Big Woman if you are of the persuasion) and had a meeting set up at Hurley's on Crescent.
Happy Passover everyone. Enjoy the constipation.
PK arrives at Hurleys:
PK - Hi - I have a reservation for 2. I'm meeting someone. He may have arrived. About 6'3, 220. Long flowing hair, heavy grey beard. Cane, not sure but he may have a limp, which explains the cane.
Waitress: Sorry, your guy hasn't arrived. You can wait at any table. Where do you want to sit?
PK: Doesn't matter - maybe try to avoid sitting me next to a metallic object or anything that is conducive to lightning.
Waitress: Your teamate Alexei Emelin is here - wanna wait at his table?
PK: Hell no! Emelin's got a metal plate in his head. That shit can bounce lightning off me in a flash. Sit me the fuck away from Emelin.
Waitress: What's with this lightning thing? Is this a weird phobia?
PK: God no! Oh shit, I take that back.
Waitress: Just sit in the corner PK and I'll bring your friend over when he gets here.
Rumbling sound is heard.....tremor is felt throughout the establishment
Lord: Pernell Karl. Reveal yourself!
PK: I'm right here!
Lord: I know, i just get a kick out of saying that EVERY TIME.
PK: Where are you? I can't see you. I can hear you but I can't see you.
Lord: Where am I? You call yourself a top-6 defenceman? That's the point Pernell Karl, you gotta know where people are at all times WITHOUT seeing them. You think I gave people eyes for sight? No, no, Pernell Karl, I gave people eyes to draw attention away from their noses. I'm not satisfied with the nose, it wasn't my best creation. Could never get the patent right. The design is flawed.
PK: I understand.
Lord: Do you really, Pernell Karl? Do you? Cause by the looks of things, you say you understand, but you don't really. Your head's all like "yeah, I dig it" but your brain's all like "fuck that shit, I don't get it".
PK: What are you trying to say?
Lord: You need some guidance, Pernell Karl, for the love of Me. You need to follow some simple rules. 10 of them, and they need to be sacred.
PK: I'm all ears.
Lord: Now the ears I'm proud of. That's a complex body part. Layered.
PK: Mine are funny looking.
Lord: Take that back.
PK: I take it back.
Lord: 10 rules Pernell Karl.
1 - THOU SHALL NOT HOP LIKE A JEWISH GRASSHOPPER DURING THAT COLDPLAY SONG BEFORE HITTING THE ICE. It's a distraction and gives Desharnais whiplash.
2 - THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO PLASTER EVERY MOVING PLAYER ON THE ICE WITH THE HIT TO END ALL HITS.
3 - THOU SHALL DO THE TRIPLE LOW FIVE. JUST DO IT.
4- THOU SHALL HOLD OUT IN 2015. YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR FAMILY, PERNELL KARL. THOU MUST FEED THOU'S FAMILY. THIS IS WHAT I TOLD LATRELL SPREWELL. I TOLD HIM TO WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND THE SITUATION. BLING BLING, PERNELL KARL - AND I DON'T MEAN CHURCH BELLS RINGING.
5 - THOU SHALL CALL HAL GILL AND MAKE AMENDS FOR THE ENDLESS BABYSITTING THOU MADE HIM DO. Actually, scratch that, he needed the practice for Sergei Kostitsyn, who I would have left in the hay to be raised by cows if he were my son.
6- THOU SHALL BE GENTLE WITH THOU'S BROTHER IN BOSTON. JUST KIDDING! I KILL ME. NO, SERIOUSLY, THOU SHALL ALWAYS HIT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. ARE YOU KIIIIDDDING ME!! ARE YOU FOR REAL? WHERE DO I COME UP WITH THESE?! THAT'S 6-DAY QUALITY RIGHT THERE.
7- THOU SHALL INVEST HALF OF NEXT SEASON'S PAYCHECK IN A PRIVATE EQUITY FUND CALLED PKIST FINANCIAL. THOU SHALL NOT ASK QUESTIONS. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
8- THOU SHALL ACCEPT CIRCUMCISION AS A RIGHT OF PASSAGE AND IN HOMAGE TO MAX PACIORETTY, THOU SHALL GO THROUGH CIRCUMCISION DURING TV TIME-OUT OF RANGERS GAME ON SATURDAY AND NOT MISS A SHIFT.
9- THOU SHALL NOT PLAY HOCKEY ON SATURDAYS. NO, DAMN YOU'RE DOING SNIPPY SNIP ON SATURDAY....OK WEDNESDAY - SNIPPY SNIP ON WEDNESDAY.
10- THOU SHALL PASSOVER THE PENGUINS IN THE STANDINGS.
PK: That's it? Those are the rules?
LORD: Those are the rules. I like you, Pernell Karl. You remind me of my nephew who performed for my son's 33rd birthday party. In fact, Pernell Karl, what you don't know is that you are descendant of this great man. My nephew's bloodline extends through generations and generations...to you. Lets watch it together: