It's been a big week for Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Ron Francis. I mean Pope Francis. On March 13th he became the 4th leading scorer in NHL history. I mean the 266th pope of the Catholic Church. As an Argentinian, he is the first pope from outside Europe in almost 1300 years. If Don Cherry heard how Europeans dominated the papacy for 1300+ years, he'd faint. Everybody knows European popes don't like going into the corners and getting dirty... unless there's an altar boy in there... but I digress.
As he stood in front of hundreds of thousands of pilgrims who came to see him utter his first words as leader of the church, he looked into their eyes and said (please note this is a loose translation as my latin is quite rusty):
- My friends, next Saturday, we visit the Devils.
As the crowd started to panic, he clarified:
Relax you Jesus freaks! I meant we're going to Jersey to "play" the Devils. Jesus Christ are you guys ever sensitive! The Habs are on a tear. 4 straight wins and we've gotten a point in 15 of our last 16. Fucking Islanders came out of nowhere that night. But the Pens and Bruins are right up our asses. And speaking of pens in asses, isn't Miguel the best altar boy you've ever seen??
Now, we really need to take it to the Devils. We can't show any mercy whatsoever. Having the killer instinct is what we've been lacking. When we feel our opponent is weak, we really need to finish them off and step on their throat. Can I get an Amen?!?! We really need to look to this team and come together as human beings. Canadians, African-Americans, Native-Americans, Europeans... they all work together over there and they went from last to first place! Surely we can get through this pedophile thingy... right?
Best. Pope. Ever.
On a personal note, I'm shedding my pen name of Don's Cherries. I feel this name has done all it can for me. Comparing yourself to the testicles of a 79 year-old man can only take you so far in life. As my new name, I'm taking a page from other like minded celebrity geniuses. J-Lo, A-Rod, Cu-Jo, D-Wade, and now...