Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Brooks Laich Concussions... and can save you 15% on car insurance.


We now join a conversation between Brooks Laich and the Media already in Progress...

Reporter: Brooks, you recently said you did not agree with the NHL's protocol on the treatment of players who may have had a concussion. Can you elaborate on that?

Brooks: Hello, me Brooks Laich. Me no think concussions are that bad. When head hurts, me listen to the sounds of the ocean and feel better.

Reporter: That makes no sense. Medical facts show that if a player has a concussion and doesn't know it, he can really make things worse by playing too soon.

Brooks: Player knows what's best. Me always performs my own operations. Me does ACL repair all the time. Brain not as complicated as knees and shoulders. Look, me make fire.

Reporter: Brooks, Do you think the referees will be ok with you turning the butt end of your stick into a spear?

Brooks: Me need to get food for dinner. Going to hunt for deer right after game and maybe kill zamboni driver.
Look, a squirrel.

And Scene.

So let me get this straight. Dr. Laich thinks that players who get their brains scrambled are in the right state of mind to determine if they can go back out there and perhaps sustain an even worse concussion?? Wow. I just wrote a piece on how we should stop complaining about guys getting knocked out in fights, but when they do, let's not send them right back out there!

Trust me, I know what it's like to be a hockey player. I played for many years and played at the highest levels (of catholic school house league). When I would get my bell rung, all I wanted to do was to get back out there. But my coach (sister Mary Catherine) would always tell me to suck it up or I would go straight to hell. I kept going back out there and now look at me. I'm a fake doctor who writes on a sovereignist/federalist affirmative action hockey blog.

I get it, these guys worked their asses off to get where they are and they don't want to screw up their once chance because of a headache. But we've seen countless examples of what can happen if a player comes back too fast. There's a player on the Penguins whose name escapes me at the moment who apparently is a prime example of this. Although I am certain that we are just a few years away from cloning human brains and making this a moot point, I think that for now, players need to follow the strictest of protocols before getting back on the ice.

Doctors are there for a reason. Trust me, I pretend to be one every day.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

i think you guys should run for the next elections, brilliant writing, although i feel a bit more federalist undertoning, but hey, what do i know,
Jacques Parizeau

neverbeenpkissed said...

Laich in his own words “I don’t know, sometimes it just feels like we’re being babysat a little too much. We’re grown men and we should have a say in what we want to do.” Sounds like me at 16 saying "God these drunk driving laws are so overblown". Wait I never said that...because me smart and you use words good doctor Cherios. Peace (in the middle east-ern conference)

Steve said...

I played hockey at a very high level as well, stoned. Once the coach asked me if I was stoned, and if I was I was not playing. I fooled him with implacable logic " Why not"
The point is I never suffered a concussion, someday the vaporizer will be as common on the bench as the waterbottle.
Bong Hockey, more creativity, less concussions.

lawyergirl77 said...

@Steve - yeah, but getting the munchies/pasties on the bench are a real bitch. You can't sneak Doritos into your water bottle man.

Steve said...

@77 Its a marketers dream, a whole new food category, Sport Munchies. Its not pizza, its a sports wedge bar.

Steve said...

Just saying, the opening game proved the Habs are already playing high, what else could explain how they could not fill up a complete cirlce.

"Hey man is the circle like complete"
"Wow man what a concept"
"Dude its like the system, never finished"