Episode #3: ¡Dentro del fuego, hay fuego dentro!
Escott Gomez, having returned to action but still unable to “crack the piñata”, is feeling the pressure of a dismal season and choking back tears while suiting up to face the Red Wings. The friendly defenceman sporting #61, with whom Escott shares a language and sometimes a jock strap, notices his distraught counterpart and tries to help him get his game face on.
Rafa Diaz: ¿Why jew cry ay-ay-ay-ay Escott? ¿Is it joor colossal failure in the fighting of the bulls or the fact that jew have lost both joor papito and joor ability to escore? ¡Habla conmigo Escott! As jew expand on joor feelings, jew will successfully establish permanent settlements of these conflicts here on this territory we occupy.
Escott: Gracias amigo. All these questions dance so mach in my head. I cannot let disco in order to completely fuck-us out there on the ice. I get Saturday Night Fever every time coach Cunny-Bunny doesn’t Travolta with the team. This endless season never seems to Get Shorty in this Mad City. It's so hard to Be Cool with all the fans sarcastically yelling “You're a real Phenomenon Old Dog!” ¿Do jew think they can see the fear through my Eyes of an Angel each time I take a Face Off? Do jew think they can see I'm barely Staying Alive?
Rafa Diaz: If it Alps you to know Escott, I can be completely neutral and honest with jew. If Alaska the guys on this team, for sure they can see jew are only playing at Juan percent intensity. For sure they notice jew are not sharing Juarez on joor mind. For sure they can see jew are sweating too mach, joor face all Palin like someone being Trumped by his primary fears. All these clear signs they can read on joor face Escott, they do not library well.
Escott: ¡Hay Caramba! If they can see the war inside of me, then I must spic the truce to them. I feel like la Virgen de la Macarena Cheez Whiz me tonight. I will spread her positive message so that me and my massive celery don't take a dip down to the minors. I must tell the team that tonight, I will be dressing for the game to lettuce chews victory over the wings. Otherwise, with so mach at steak, I will cracker under the pressure.
Rafa Diaz: ¡Talk to them now hombre and estop making me so hungry!
Escott climbs on top of a table in the middle of the room and starts to address the players who have gathered after the warm-up.
Escott: Dear compañeros, winning as a hockey team is yust like the politics. Jew need a big and estrong caucus that can handle huge loads of important decisions, as well as aim it's pearls of wisdom at a clear target. Since coming beck, it has been impossible for me not to notice the massive erection of so many divisive walls in this room. In an effort towards achieving everlasting piss amongst us, I will now drop the load I've been holding in for way too long, as I esplain myself to jew.
Erik Cole: Can you explain why soon I’ll have done my taxes twice since you last popped one in? (the whole room bursts out laughing)
Escott: Jess I can Enrike, and after the truth is out there, I hope you will want to believe: right before I come beck, Dr. Fox Mulder warn me that too mach escoring could cause a muy grande fracture to my Scully. Dana he suggest I no escore no more, soda after a full two year recovery, I surprise the Centro Taco Bell by making a Sombrero Trick. Jew know, yust like the Mexican detective Columbo! (dramatic organ chord)
Rafa Diaz: ¿En serio Escott? ¿Yust like Cristian Jorge Del Valle de la Concha San Miguel Juan Sebastian de Francisco de Columbo?
Escott: ¡Jess my adorable Swiss fondue quesa-Diaz! The Columbo es yust like Escott. He let everyone believe he estupid, but sudden... ¡Boom! He catch the killer as easy as Emelin catch the STD in Tijuana.
Mathieu Darche: Correc Gomaize, but if you do not do the goal for another year, veux-tu bein m’dire quessé qu’tu vas faire s’a glace calisse?
Escott: Didn’t understand a word Mad-jew. But here’s what I will not do: Escore. True. But also, I will not call jew a bunch of losers like Camel-hairy who wooden chair the puck...
Carey Price: ...mighty fine good start my little Mexi-can't! But please don’t be causin no more stampedes in this here room cause we been battening down the hatchets all year long over here!
Escott: ¡Priceless words my Precio-so! There is no sense having a Broke-back trying to turn beck the Mountain of time that has passed. ¡Cher with me joor concerns! ¡Help me Carey the drim of getting back on the rodeo to more satisfying relations in this room! (Escott winks at Carey)
Carey Price: So how do we rustle this up?
Escott: Muy simple. If there is a problem, we taco-bout it right away. ¿Jew no like my Mexican music full blast? Just say to me “Escott, turn off discrepancy if we can find some cuntry music on KY103!” ¡Yust like Selma Hayek covered in jalapeños, the new Escott will be espicy and flexible!
PK: Mmm...I love em’ spicy and flexible. Met this fine gymnast once in Belleville...mhm! One fine a...
Escott: ...fine is right Poo-key! ¡We will all be fine and we will win, because from now on, I will lead the Canadienses with a record number of ass-cysts!
Max Pacioretty: I think it's great that you want to be an asset again. Butt will your ass-cysts help us around the back end as well as up front? (the whole room chuckles)
Escott: Patio-ready raises a good point. Jew can turn all my juicy ass-cysts into many explosions of puss-abilities to escore. This will bring the instant-anus result of infecting the hole team with the massive ball of fire that hides between my rosy cheeks. A fire that burn so deep and estrong, just like that one road trip when we all had the Jari Kurry chicken at the Wayne Gretzky restaurant.
Andrei Kostitsyn: Andrei miss Toronto trip. How hot fire will be Komrad Scottsky?
Escott: ¡Hay Dios mio Andres! ¡A fire so hot it could melt all of Siberia, freeing all of your relatives from the Goulash! ¡A fuego with so match burning, it would even make coaches Pearn and Martinez all fired up! ¡A fire so wild, coach Cunny-bunny would barge inside the room all bilingual and say “Holy smokes baby, so
¡all Hudler together and summon the great espirits of San Cristobal Huet. As we all pray anguish to make the playoffs, I’m alone every man in this room my especial stick. It was hand carved in Mejico with a rock, dipped in salt and worm lemon juice especially for me Tequila the Red Wings tonight. (the room goes completely quiet)
Josh Gorges: So what now Scotty, should we tap your magic stick for good luck or something?
Escott: ¿Que pasa Jorge? Did jew contract some long term disease? Datsyuks that jew would erect this Kronwall right at the Helm of my espeech. On this Eave my Gorges teammate, I will not be the Abdelkader of the crown I have earned as your King of the Ass-Cyst. ¡So touch my blessed wood now so that we may re-Kindl our playoff drims!
Josh Gorges: You're out of your fuc...
Josh Gorges: You're out of your fuc...
Rafa Diaz: ... so how should we touch joor Holly-wood in order to end it all in a climax of victory?
Escott: ¡Muy simple! Each player must grab it hard and rub it it tight between his hands. These will be the strokes of genius that will lead us to the 25th coming of the Lord Etsanley. So do it! Do it soda we can olive to see another day! Do it for the children who drim of....Wait! Where did everybody go? ¡Wafer me! ¡Wafer me! ¡Hay dios mio! ¡It worked! ¡My espeech was so excitating that they all had to hit the ice half-assed as possible!
FIN DE LA TERCERA PARTE