Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Paging Dr. DC

After HF4s brilliant take on Pierre Gauthier's opinion on Peyton Manning's health, we at the PK'ists have decided to start a regular segment on all things medical in sports, and particularly our Habs. As a fake doctor myself, I feel very comfortable giving quasi real medical opinions. I am fully capable of diagnosing injuries by watching highlights and can prescribe drugs in 4 African countries. And if my mail order PhD comes through in the mail this week, we can add Botswana to that list. I also own my very own scrubs and have an old pager I sometimes clip on my belt.

Furthermore, as residents of Quebec, home of the world's most sophisticated health care system, we are innately qualified to discuss all things related to the treatment of injuries. Where else are you asked to wait 23 hours in an ER when you're bleeding from your eyeballs? "Ben voyons monsieur, arretez d'salir le plancher avec vot sang et allez attendre dans l'coin. Le medecin sera avec vous après demain."

Medicine is more relevant in today's sports landscape than ever before. With all the money at stake for teams and especially players, everybody is extra careful. Injuries are never disclosed even when we all know what happened. You can see a player get his arm severed on the ice by a flying skate and it will still be an upper body injury.

These days, it's all about concussions. It's the new "in"jury. It's like the crystal meth of pain. Who could've predicted that a game played with 200lb guys zipping around on skates at break neck speeds while wearing hard padding and swinging carbon fiber sticks would cause head injuries. Every team is dealing with concussions. Well, except the Habs. That's what happens when nobody ever lays a hit on anybody. It's taking a 25 year old russian kid who speaks no english to teach this team how to play the body. I often wonder why Scott can't get concussed. I've read many medical journals that say that when Alaskan Mexicans get head injuries, they often over perform and double their productivity. That means Scott can go from zero goals in 365 days to no goals in 1 year. This guy couldn't score on a $6 latina hooker.

Unfortunately, the Canadiens have busted ACLs, torn biceps and groin injuries to deal with. They're on pace for 390 man games lost to injury. And you know what the worst part is? Not missing the playoffs. Not the product on the ice. The fact that our brain dead GM can use this as an excuse to sucker another year on the job.

That's when we all go to the hospital together and ask for the group discounts on lobotomies.


Steve said...

I suggested it as a joke a few years ago, but now I am serious, airbags on hockey helmets and knee pads, Kevlar socks, and titanium skates.

HabsFan4 said...

@steve, great idea. I also think we should have geranium jerseys, possum gloves, umbrella shin pads, coffee hockey tape and hydrogen dogs.

Don's Cherries said...

Hydrogen dogs may cause interference with the yogurt smowmen.

Public Domain said...

@Steve - or, conversely, mid-20th century soft gear for everyone. Then everything would hurt.

They can keep the visors though

HabsFan4 said...


Everybody Hurts.


Michael Stype

Steve said...

Everybody Hurts

El Conkistador said...

That definitely made my corr tingle.

DarthAlexander said...

The solution to all our problems is obviously Nerf Hockey.

Foam pucks, foam equipment, foam boards, foam "ice", etc.

Steve said...

Yes Darth, in fact we could just make it a computer game and project holographic images on the ice. This I believe would make the Buttman southern strategy a 3 point shot.

Don's Cherries said...

@steve: golf, black, chair, Uzbekistan.