Monday, February 27, 2012


We have worked hard with WikiLeaks to obtain a copy of the confidential written presentation General Manager Pierre Gauthier has prepared for the GM's in the league for trade deadline day.

My fellow General Managers,

I submit to you my list of available players that I would like you to consider today, the last day we can all make a super deal together. I am offering you these players with tremendous sadness, as I not have yet  spoken to anyone of them during their stay with the team. I hear they are very pleasant people and that some are wonderful cooks. I love bouillabaisse, you know this. I wish these players and I had enjoyed a nice bouillabaisse together.

So here we go.

Mr. Campoli was one of my best signings ever. He was supposed to fill that all-important role of 11th defenseman on our team and motivate Alexei Emelin to learn English, French. He will be very missed as he has helped our coaches exercise their ability to provide excuses to healthy scratches. The last one Mr. Cunneyworth gave Mr. Campoli was great: Sorry, Chris, because of the full moon, I need more defensemen born in March on the ice tonight.

Monsieur Cole was my biggest mistake and I am ashamed of this. We will offer you Monsieur Cole and in exchange all I ask is for one of you to give up tickets to a Justin Bieber concert wherever the show may be. I just want to see Justin Bieber.

Monsieur Darche may have the best hands in the entire NHL and we know you'll all give us your best offer to get your hands on him. For this reason, as we know demand will be high and we don't want to down our fax lines, I ask that you only submit your offers for Mister Darche between 1 and 1:06 p.m. today.

Monsieur Desharnais is a towering might. I asked our coach Jacques Martin to bring him into the line up to create more space for our forwards and bring in the intimidation factor. He makes our team fearless, and I know you'll appreciate this shoe-in UFC-like dynamo. He's so tall he can pee on Zdeno Chara's head and he doesn't even have to stand on his tippy toes.

We ask that you take a good look at Madame Diaz and Madame Eller. It has been brought to my attention that Monsieur Diaz and Monsieur Eller have had difficulty concentrating on their game as a result of their significant others' political allegiances to mainstream Danish and Swiss ideologies. Now hear this. WE WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS FORM OF EXTREMISM. There is no place for such brutality in the club de Hockey Canadien. We would package both of these women for Carey Underwood.

Monsieur Emelin is a distraction to our team as he is way too outspoken with our local media. We cannot accept this but I am sure your players will enjoy his verbose ways. Not to mention the best knock-knock jokes I may have ever heard and a dead-on impersonation of Betty White.

Monsieur Gorges was recently signed to a 23-year 67-million dollar a season contract. We feel that he fit perfectly with our corporate profiling of defensemen with non existing anterior cruciate ligaments. But our medical staff in Guatemala has assured us that a certain Mr. Someone with this same problem is about to make a comeback and so we feel that it would be wrong to steal that special Mr. Someone's thunder.

You may be shocked that I am making Monsieur Kaberle available so soon after having signed what I consider to be the best defenseman ever to wear a Canadiens jersey. He has single handedly revived our multi dimensional power play. His performance on a recent goal was legendary as he attempted to halt a puck with his uncanny ability to watch it float by him.

I'm sorry she's off the market - she has begged me to send her off to Nashville because she's in love with her brother-in-law and finally wants to confess her feelings. Awkward!!

I have no love lost for this player. He has no courage, no will to win and purposely crashes into stanchions during games. He has no consideration for his vertebrae and I can't respect a person who doesn't respect vertebrae. Zero scoring skills, zero strength, VERY LIMITED skating ability, and hands which would make that Edward guy in the Tim Burton movie jealous.

I would be tempted to call Monsieur Plekanec "Madame" because he himself says he plays like a little girl. He does. A little girl who can't play hockey. Mister Plekanec looks weird, with that red nose and blue face. He looks like a confused maple leaf on this picture. He would fit right in, Toronto.

I know this will be the hardest deal to make so please stay with me, my fellow general managers. Monsieur Price has no hockey IQ, we all know this. But his knowledge of country music is unparalleled. He knows Travis Tritt's entire discography. That's unbelievable. He can't hold a goalie stick but he can play the shit out of a banjo. He has no idea what a butterfly is on the ice, but he can play the entire soundtrack to Madame Butterfly with a harmonica. Monsieur Price is yeeehaaaw good.

Monsieur Subban is always frowning and demoralizes our team. Look at him, a huge downer. Please take him and give me any player willing to flash his pearly whites. Monsieur Subban spends most of his time in the dressing room discussing the process of enriching plutonium. He chews my ears off about the complexity of the Dodd-Frank act. It's so annoying. We think Mister Subban will be a good fit on a team that is looking to slow the pace on the back end because we've seen Jessica Tandy skate quicker from one blue line to the other. You must take caution that should you take Monsieur Subban, you must also have a player on your team willing to be on the receiving end of jokes involving saran wrap and toilet bowls, and  awkward triple lo-fives.

Our best player. Will only accept Mr. Ovechkin or Mr. Malkin in return, a first round pick for the drafts through 2043 and a signed copy of a Mister Mister album.


Steve said...

Very funny, cheered me up after the AK47 loss. A second rounder and a 5th conditional, I cant believe that's all he was worth.

If Gravoski goes for a prospect and a draft pick, I will blame robo calls.

DarthAlexander said...

This is priceless and using those books was a touch of genius. Great stuff and more exciting than trade deadline day ever was!

juce said...

You never fail to amuse, great job!