Thursday, November 17, 2011

Phil in the Blanks!

We at the PK'ISTS have just learned that legendary TV therapist and life coach Dr. Phillip McGraw has been retained to assist the Habs in their quest for motivational consistency. This has spawned our latest game show, hosted by yours truly’s non-Latino cousin from Westmount, Conky Stader. Lets tune in. 

Conky: It's now time for... (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!" I’m your host Conky Stader. Let’s meet our contestants for today. First up is blogging legend HF4. 4 enjoys lawyering, knitting, Dexter and Arahova Souvlaki. Weclome 4!

HF4: Thanks Conky. I’m forced to be here. Actually, I find Marathon’s tzatziki to be a little bit more...

Conky: ...swell to have you with us 4! Going up against 4 today is German hockey insider and sports psychologist Dr. Smartsen Übershtick. Welcome Herr Doctor!

Dr. Übershtick: Lassen beginnen shnell. Time is vasted.

Conky: Ok then, here’s how the game works: both contestants are given a real Dr. Phil quote straight out the pregame pep talk and have to guess who the targeted Hab is, as well as provide the hockey and scientific rationales behind the quote. Contestants ready? Let’s play… (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!" Our first Dr. Phil pep talk quote is: (in thickest southern accent you can muster up)

“This ain't my first rodeo son”?

HF4 : Ding Ding Ding (not a buzzer but HF4 actually going “Ding Ding Ding”)

Conky: 4 so quick on the draw to guess the quote from McGraw!

HF4: I know this. Phil’s having a showdown with Gionta who’s feeling the new motivator is challenging him as the alpha male of the pack.

Conky: Nice try 4, but incorrect! Captain Sauerkraut for the steal?

Dr. Übershtick: I vill answer at vonce! Phil is clearrly urrging Carrey Prrice to remainen focoossed und composed thrroughout ze whole season using a classic Jungian Cowboy arketype und neoclassik rapporrt building teknik. He is stimulating Carrey’s Id viz vivid images of naked animals being lassoed into soobmission, all ze vile challenging his ego by being ze gentle paterrnal figurren clearrly needed in ze Habs room since ze deparrten of Kirk Müller.

HF4: Fuck!!!!

Conky: 4 you’ve answered already! Colonel Übershnitzel is correct! 200 points! Good spirit 4, you're at -200! Shame you had to miss court to be here today. All right, our next pre-game Dr. Phil quote is:

“No dog ever peed on a moving car but you need to marry yo’ baby moma.”

HF4: Ding Ding Ding

Conky: 4, so fast on the button, a bit of a glutton?

HF4: I got this one for sure Conky! It’s clearly a message to the team about learning to seize the types of golden opportunities that will ultimately enable the boys to secure a safer spot in the standings and avoid wrecking their entire season with one gutless performance. It's classic Classical Conditioning, à la Pavlov.     

Conky: Sorry 4! I hope you’re better at "lawyering" than you are at this here game. You know, for Ichael’s sake! Das Fuhrer for the stealen?
Dr. Übershtick: Klearrly Dr. Phil here is conveyiing to PK Subban zat he must commit to ze team concept, baby moma, as vell as focus on quality razer zan quantity ven rreleasing his ein-timer from ze point. Zis is a rriveting Frreudian appeal to PK`s veak bladderr, his love of luxurry Gerrman automobiles, German Sheppards und newborrn orrphan babies.”
Conky: Perfekten Dr! Feir hoondred punkt! HF4 is ein moron! Mooh ha ha ha ha!  

HF4: I’m getting the f…

Conky: …wait 4! This is our last question for double points. Our final Dr. Phil pep talk quote is:

“You don't need Cat Scratch Fever to buy a Stairway to Heaven.”

HF4: Ding Ding Dingading my bitCHes!

Conky: Have you a death wish man? 4 is first to ring in again!

HF4: Nothing but net on this one Conky! Dr. Phil here is obviously communicating to the Coach that while he understands that Tomas Plekanec can operate with surgical precision, Martin’s OCD-like insistence on placing him at the point during the man advantage is giving many a fan the type of headache one gets after the rapid over-consumption of blended frozen drinks. He is also appealing to Martin’s deep-rooted childhood fear of losing those appendages that make him such an emphatic listener.

Conky: Sorry 4! That would have been the correct answer for the Dr. Phil quote:

You don't need a sack of hammers to skin a gopher but don’t make me put your ears in my ice blender!

Conky: Maybe next time 4! Dr. Meindbender for the steal?

4: Stader you mother f…

Conky: …now 4, if Dr. Octoberfesten provides the correct answer, he gets 400 points, your remaining 2011-2012 Habs season tickets and gets to sleep with your wives.

HF4: Conky you piece of sh…

Übershtick: … Herr Conky, may you rrepeaten ze quoten please?

Once again the quote is:  

“You don't need Cat Scratch Fever to buy a Stairway to Heaven.”

Dr. Übershtick: Drrring Drrrring! I could do zis viz my hands tied behind my back. Dr. Phil is mekking an impassioned plea to ze entire roster by urrging zem to avoid ze dangerous prregame combination of magic mushrrooms und Led Zeppelin musik recorrdings responsible forr ze team’s early season voes.

Conky: Correct Dr.! With a total of 800 points, Dr. Übershtick wins the game, HF4’s tickets and the goodden shtoopen with 4's w...

4: …your’re a dead man Stader…you hear me you piece of s…

Conky: …security restrain him at once! Join us next time for… (studio audience shouts) "Phil in the Blanks!!!"

Dr. Phil's parting words of wisdom 


HabsFan4 said...

Too good Conky.

moeman said...


Supernova said...

I hate Dr Phil but I loved this bit!