Monday, November 14, 2011
SIRI-SLY, PK - A Week In Review
We launch a new segment today that will focus on PK Subban, finally. We are the PK'ISTS after all. So who better to review PK's performance every week than the person who's on everyone lips, SIRI, Apple's voice recognition assistant. Given the choice between the iPhone, Android or Blackberry we would bet our livelihoods on PK being an apple man. SIRI is honest and capable. She's a true friend and nobody could review PK with more sincerity. Also she can tell you where to grab a good burrito, outside of Canada.
Siri: Yes, Pernell.
PK: Can you read my messages?
Siri: One moment...you have one message from Coach Martin: "You're late you lazy fat ass". Do you want me to reply?
PK: Uh, yes.
SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, I don't understand "uh".
PK: Yes reply.
SIRI: I'm sorry Pernell, i can't seem to find "uh" in your contacts. Would you like me to create the contact for you?
PK: No. Reply to Coach Martin.
SIRI: Ok, I won't reply to coach Martin.
PK: For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told!???
SIRI: Ok, your message "For fuck's sake will you just get off my ass already and do your work like you're told" is ready to be sent to Coach Martin. Would you like me to send it?
SIRI: Message sent.
PK: My God.
SIRI: I don't believe in God, unless you believe Steve Jobs to be God.
PK: It's alright Siri. I don't want to get riled up. Can I ask you? What do you think of my October?
SIRI: Ok, one moment...The Hunt for Red October was a motion picture released in 1990 starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin who played Jack Ryan.
PK: Siri, listen girl. My October. Pernell's October.
SIRI: One moment...Pernell's October started slow. Statistically you were on track with last year but you weren't the player you were by the end of last year.
PK: Ok, yeah I got the feeling I was a bit behind.
SIRI: Coach Martin called you fat ass, but you don't have a big behind. Would, you like me to email Coach Martin about your issues with him telling you you have a big behind?
PK: No, Siri. That's fine.
SIRI: Ok, one moment. Your message to coach Martin "Listen ass wad look who's talking?" is ready to be sent.
PK: Cancel! Cancel!
SIRI: Message sent.
PK: Jesus Siri!
SIRI: Thank you, Pernell. Just Siri will do. I don't believe in Jesus. Unless you believe Steve Jobs is Jesus.
PK: You think I've come around? I spun wheels around the Predators for Patches' goal on Saturday right? I feel like I'm in my prime and playing like it too.
SIRI: There are 4 restaurants near your location that serve Prime Rib steak.
SIRI: Would you like me to read you your personal stats?
PK: Yeah that's nice of you.
SIRI: One moment" Pernell Karl Subban. Born May 13, 1989, shoots right. 0 goals, 5 assists in 16 games. You had 14 goals last year. You can do better. You have registered 50 shots this season. That means....one moment...you have shot like a douche 50 times.
SIRI: If you say so.
PK: I've got to start shooting straight. I've got to pick up the pace.
SIRI: You are on pace, Pernell, for 0 goals, Pernell.
PK: That's no good. I can do better. But I feel better. I'm not coughing up the puck as much.
SIRI: One moment....There are 3 hospitals near your location to treat your cough.
PK: What cough?
SIRI: One moment...you have a message from Coach Martin. "PK! GET IN MY FUCKING OFFICE RIGHT FUCKING NOW".