Thursday, December 1, 2011

Game review Ducks vs a sorry ass excuse for a pro hockey team

I'd rather not talk about it. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke. Let's start off with a little honesty. I didn't really watch the game. I'm sick as a dog and I fell asleep with5 minutes left in the first. When I peacefully closed my eyes, they were up 1-0 on a nice goal by AK. When I woke up, I felt something was off. Then, as I grabbed my blackberry, I saw a text message from HF4: "I fucking hate this team. They're horrible". How could this happen?? My day was ruined and I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet. I was hanging on to the dream that the message was sent mid game and that they turned it around in time to win.

I go down to the PVR to see the damage and, as god is my witness, something happened that will forever change me. My PVR lit up and started talking. Luckily, I have a stenographer working for me 24/7. Here is the transcript:

PVR: Good morning DC.

DC: Hey PV... Holy shit! You can talk?

PVR: Yup. Nice pajamas loser.

DC: How is this the first time I've heard you talk? You've been here for 3 years.

PVR: Well, last night you asked me to record the worst fucking thing ever, so I thought I would let you know how I felt about it.

DC: You mean Gossip Girl? Sorry about that, my wife lov...

PVR: Not that asshole. The "hockey" game. WTF was that? 3 shots in the 3rd period? 0 for 7 on the power play? If you ever waste 3 hours of HD recording on this ever again, I'm gonna auto record gay porn and let your wife think that it's yours.

DC: Take it easy! How bad could it have been? They were up 1-0 when I fell asleep.

PVR: Well, they shit the bed. And it's not like they were playing an All-star team. This was the fucking Ducks. Losers of 5 straight and 8 of 10. They had 1 win on November before last night! What kind of shitty effort was that? Sometimes I wonder if Jacques Martin even cares. He never seems upset, happy or frustrated. He always has the same fucking expression on his face. And what the hell is he writing down on that little piece of paper every 5 minutes? What a fucking asshole. None of the guys wanna play for him anymore. How the hell do you start the 3rd period down 2-1 and take 15 minutes to get your 1st fucking shot on net?? How does that even happen? And to make things worse, now they have the Sharks and the Kings to deal with. And the best part? The Ducks fired their head coach right after! This means that beating the Habs 4-1 was an unacceptable result for GM Bob Murray. Is this what the league thinks of the Habs? You better win 9-0 or you're fired?

DC: Wow, I never knew you were so into hockey.

PVR: And I never knew you were so into Glee.

So there you have it. Even my PVR thinks we suck. Yet another game to forget. Seems like we have a lot of those this year. At least Habs Logic held up. Watch them win by a touchdown tonight.


Steve said...

You nailed it DC

HabsFan4 said...

This is the only post I would accept to see bury my Blue Man Group fest below.

That, and more Escott.

Kmaxx said...

Didn't think your insight could get much just did! Excellent read DC!!