Saturday, December 31, 2011

Jacques, we need to talk.

It's been exactly 2 weeks since Jacques Martin was shown the door. Since that time, the Canadiens have been sinking faster than Leo and Kate. Aside from one inspired performance in Ottawa on Tuesday, they've either been completely outplayed or have fumbled leads. So clearly, firing Martin was not the answer in the short term. Whatever the problem is, it wasn't Mr. Notepad and his incessant scribbling. This leads me to believe that Pierre might be regretting his decision. The 4 game losing streak after the firing can be blamed on distractions caused by the media circus that followed anglo-coach-gate in Montreal. So maybe we would've all been better served if he had waited for another moment. If Pierre calls Jackie to wish him a happy new year, I would think the conversation would go something like this:

Pierre: Hello Mr. Martin

Jackie: How dare you make another call to this house?

Pierre: I just wanted to wish you a very Happy New Year for 2012! You're my best buddy you know. Did you hear Michael Jordan is getting married again? You think Rodman's gonna show up in the wedding dress?

Jackie: Last time you call my number you can my ass and now you call to wish me happy new year and talk about the Jordan wedding? What happens next week? You call to tell me I've got terminal ear cancer?

Pierre: Look Mr. Martin, I know you're mad. The truth is that firing you wasn't even my idea. Larry Carriere made me do it. He said that the team was underperforming and that since Gomez wasn't earning his $8M, that it was all your fault. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.

Jackie: Aren't you his boss? Why is he telling you what to do? Does he have naked pictures of you?

Pierre: Don't be ridiculous. I'm a never-nude. I sleep at my desk most of the work day. He usually tells me if we won or lost the night before, who's playing well, you know, all those details. He said that Cunneyworth was a master motivator and that the language thing was no big deal. He said he would talk to the french media. He said everything would be alright!

Jackie: You're such a douche. Why the hell are you telling me this anyways?

Pierre: Because I think we may have made a huge mistake. We lost 4 in a row after we canned you. And Larry Carriere is now an assistant coach.

Jackie: You and Bob really fucked this all up.

Pierre: I know. But you're so boring in your press conferences. We would always mute the tv and try and guess what you were saying. We were right 98% of the time. The only times we were wrong is when you would call the other team les Flammes. You know what? Forget what I said. I'd rather lose every game than have to listen to those press conferences.

Jackie: I'm gonna have you killed.

Pierre: Thanks Buddy. All the best to the family.